45 minutes ago, jenny2017 said:

Please, no jokes about pussies. My two dogs are lesbians. 

Does that mean they are barking up the wrong tree or is it just puppy love with each one leading the other one on? 

I will paws at his point while you beg for mercy.

The following new cross breeds are now recognized by the Scottiejohn Kennel Club!

 

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, the traditional Christmas pet

 

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as mountain air

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a bloody bad dog.

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work on it's own

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

 

Bull Terrier + Shitzu

You guess is as good as mine

 

20 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

Please, no jokes about pussies. My two dogs are lesbians. 

 

How did they come out of the closet?

And what where they doing in there anyway? 

9 hours ago, CantSpell said:

 

How did they come out of the closet?

And what where they doing in there anyway? 

Well, mom is a real Husky and has a daughter, raped ( not really) by a street dog. I've tried to have puppies, but she doesn't show interest in a male Husky, and both seem to like pussy only.

 

     Dogs seem to be very human, aren't they? 

This is the Worst joke ever forum. Are we allowed to post Tearable puns...

 

A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.                         Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager,  "Some idiot out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."   As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him,  so he added, "And  this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."   The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way...   Later the manager said to the boy,  "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  We like people here who think on their feet.   Where are you from, son?" "Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.   "Why did you leave Cardiff?" the  manager asked. The boy said,  "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."   "Really?" said  the manager.  "My wife is from Cardiff."   "You're kidding?" replied  the boy.  "What position did she play?"

11 hours ago, fasteddie said:

What did she "cup" your balls with?  An egg cup I assume, not a teacup!

10 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

I've tried to have puppies

Are you seeing a VET or Doctor for this problem?

10 hours ago, jenny2017 said:

and both seem to like pussy only.

Don't let the cat out of the bag then!

A young man had just started a job as a sales assistant in a village store that sold everything . He was not selling much so the owner said " watch and listen to me on the way to sell ".

So a customer came in and asked for some grass fertilizer and the owner chatted to him and persuaded the customer to buy a new motor mower to replace his old push mower .  " Now son , do you get the idea ? "

Later that day a man came into the shop and asked for some sanitary towels for his wife as she had run out . The young man was serving him and said " Can I interest you in a new motor mower to cut your grass sir " the customer looked at him in a confused way and said " Why do you ask that ? " and the young man said " Well you have got fxxx all else to do the weekend by the sounds of it "      

17 hours ago, fasteddie said:

Where can I find this guy "Earth"?  Seems to have so much stamina.

PS; After 63 insertions I think I would be really relaxed or totally F****ed.

Trying to stay on topic (worst joke ever) ...

 

Lady sues the NHS because after her husbands operation he has no interest in sex...

 

In court the surgeon said to the judge..

 

.." But his cataract operation was successful"...

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?

 

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland 

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.  A bit later the farmer's daughter prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the she returned. Her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested to the farmer that perhaps the man was thirsty after the food. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You bast*rd!  You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

 

 

 

"LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO-LAIDTHEOLDLADEETOO"

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "

"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! before we even get to his bedroom!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

 

 

 

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

 

 

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'"