Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

48 minutes ago, CantSpell said:

The brunette at the front was so hot, it melted both my brain and her mouth.. Now she needs some plastic surgery.. ???? 

How long ago did this "brain" meltdown happen?

Or to put this another way, as the kinky bishop said to the even kinkier actress, just how old is this photo with you in it?

????

 

PS; when they say it shouldn't melt in the mouth they don't mean a lit candle!  You have got the BJ/Blowing your mind out all wrong, me thinks!

 

PPS;  Is the "plastic surgery" via your plastic Visa, Mastercard or Amex cards or have you burnt your bridges with the local bored and down in the mouth surgeon?

[chickenslegs]

8 hours ago, CantSpell said:

Still wonder if that is a joke (good or bad) but the cringe is really real.... 

Group session haha...

 

The modern dolls are a bit larger and a lot more expensive.

Well, that's inflation for you.

 

I got bored with my old doll, and bought a new one. I didn't want to hurt the old one's feelings so I let her down gently.

[chickenslegs]

[Andrew Dwyer]

The modern dolls are a bit larger and a lot more expensive.
Well, that's inflation for you.
 
I got bored with my old doll, and bought a new one. I didn't want to hurt the old one's feelings so I let her down gently.

I bought one of those dolls but she kept going down on me !!

I’ll leave it up to you to decide if that was a good or bad thing !!

[scottiejohn]

6 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I bought one of those dolls but she kept going down on me !!

I’ll leave it up to you to decide if that was a good or bad thing !!

I think the hole topic has been blown up out off all proportion.

 

PS;  WARNING do not give love bites otherwise all you hear is one fart and it flies out the window

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

What does a reptile wear on its feet?
Snakers.

 Why couldn’t the frog find his car?
 It got toad away.

 What’s the strongest insect in the world?
 A snail. It carries its house on its back!

 How does a bee get to school?
 It takes the buzz.

 

What happened to the cat when she swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.

How do you make a Dalmatian puppy disappear?
Use Spot remover.

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o’clock) a horse called Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $5,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win.

 

Pentagram, obviously, came in sixth.  
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing cards with his dog.

He watched the game in amazement for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed.

“That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

 Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied.

 

“Every time he gets a good paw-full, he wags his tail.”  

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

6 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

I bought one of those dolls but she kept going down on me !!

I’ll leave it up to you to decide if that was a good or bad thing !!

It is probably better than inflating your own ego!

[CantSpell]

 

Maybe wrong thread, I dont think this is a joke ???? 

[Andrew Dwyer]

[chickenslegs]

I signed up for a dating service.

 

They matched me with a recliner and a smart TV.

[chickenslegs]

Father and son out shopping. They reach the cashier and the boy spots the goodies on the “impulse buys” rack.

Little boy: "Chocolate Buttons Dad!"

Dad: "Your Mother didn't write it on the list."

Little Boy: "Ask the lady for a pen!"

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

 

 

[CantSpell]

Today my daughter said something that did not sounded very polite, so I asked her to say it again in a nicer way....

 

She repeated the same thing, with an English accent!!

[CantSpell]

Dad, are we pyromaniac?

Yes, we arson.

[chickenslegs]

Judge: “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer”.

Voice from the public gallery: “Bastard!”

Judge: “You are further charged with killing your mother-in-law with the same hammer”.

Voice from the public gallery: “Swine!”

Judge: “Furthermore, you attacked and injured 5 police officers with the same hammer, when they came to arrest you”.

Voice from the public gallery: “<deleted> C-nt”.

Judge: Any further outbursts from the public gallery will result in charges of contempt of court”.

Voice from the public gallery: “Sorry Your Honour, but I’ve been asking to borrow this bastard’s hammer for 5 years - and he said he didn’t have one.”.

[CantSpell]

ouch ???? 

[CantSpell]

[chickenslegs]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[chickenslegs]

We need to get back on topic (Worst Joke Ever)

 

Q: What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A: A shoe.

 

A ship carrying blue paint and a ship carrying red paint both crashed on an island. All the sailors were marooned.

 

My wife? It's difficult to say what she does - she sells sea shells on the sea shore.

 

My grandfather was a peeping-tom. He lived in an apartment and used to drill holes into the floor and spy on the people below. He died recently, but I like to think of him up there... looking down on us…

 

Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

A: Ten tickles.

 

I finally managed to put together the new IKEA baby cot and said to the wife “OK, let’s test drive this thing, where’s the baby?

She replied “In college”.

 

I tried to think up a joke about mountain ranges, but I realised they’re just not funny …

They’re hill areas.

 

Q: If lightening strikes an orchestra who is most likely to get hit?

A: The conductor.

 

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef

What do you call a cow with two left legs? Lean Beef

What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decalfeinated

[fasteddie]

[fasteddie]

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]