Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[laislica]

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

[laislica]

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat their waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievably sexy sister was sitting their with me.

A few moments go by, then she comes up next to me. and whispers in my ear 'we should have sex before my sister comes home’.

I immediately got up and turned around to walk to my car.

I found my girlfriend standing by the door, at which point she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'.

Moral of the story, always keep your condoms in your car

[Ron19]

Click to enlarge

Edited March 22, 2013 by Ron19

[laislica]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the <deleted>' dark!" says Murphy.

[laislica]

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming

'come on .. .My face

[laislica]

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[laislica]

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

[laislica]

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole <deleted>' bed by the looks of it!"

[laislica]

I was in the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

[laislica]

[laislica]

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

[laislica]

I don't want you to think I'm getting old or anything,

but all the noises I used to make during sex,

I now make getting out of bed.

[laislica]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[laislica]

If you were given the choice between a million dollars and your wife,

what sort of car would you buy?

[laislica]

[kevjohn]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand..

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

[therealmrbrightside]

2 cows standing in a field....first cow says to the other "What do you think about all this mad cow disease?" to which the other cow replies "It doesn't affect me, I'm a Hovercraft"

[laislica]

A man calls his wife from Accident and Emergency. He tells her that he lost his finger in a building site accident.

“Oh my God!” cries the wife, “The whole finger?”

“No,” replies her husband. “The one next to it.”

[laislica]

Paddy has a broken leg and his mate Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says " How are you doing?"
Paddy says " Ok, but do me a favour mate,run upstairs and get me my slippers,me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19 year old twin daughters lying on the bed naked.
He says "your dad sent me up her to have sex with the both of you."

They say, " get away with ya....prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs. " Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, " Of course both of em, what's the point of fekin one?"

[kevjohn]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from
him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.

These are customer complaints."

[kevjohn]

Newfoundland painter by the name of Skipper Drover, while
not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of
years, his fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to
him in Long Harbour for his paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a

stretch limo and asked Skipper if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request and it had Skipper a bit perturbed. The
beautiful lady told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to
pay up to $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Skipper asked the lady to wait while he

went in the house and conferred with Rose, his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady,

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus.The wife says it's okay.

I'll paint ya in da nude, but I has ta leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes..."

[kevjohn]

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, “Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?”

“Well, I got it for my wife, you see?” answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, “Great trade.”

[warfie]

A man invited a mate back to his home for dinner.


When they got home, his wife, upset at not being notified, began to yell at him.......



"I haven't done my hair, not to mention my make up!!.......


"I haven't done any cleaning up, let alone the dishes!!!......


"Besides, I'm not interested in doing any cooking tonight!!!!.......

"Why the Hell did you invite him?"





The man replied......

" 'Cause he's thinking of getting married."

[therealmrbrightside]

What's got 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

[therealmrbrightside]

What's the difference between a woman and an oven?

An oven doesn't fart when you take the meat out of it.

[therealmrbrightside]

A guy walks into a UK Tesco cafe...

"Can I have the Lasagne please"

Waitress says "Would you like anything on that sir?"

guy replies "A fiver each way"

[therealmrbrightside]

It turns out that the horses were molested before they were turned into Tesco burgers...The police are asking anyone who knew Jimmy Saddle to come forward.

[warfie]

@therealmbrightside: You are definitely posting in the right thread...

[kevjohn]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'