Worst Joke Ever

[WitawatWatawit]

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.

The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.

All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.

The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

"Why?" asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

[WitawatWatawit]

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

[WitawatWatawit]

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?

A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

A: They're too hard too peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find the M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

[laislica]

EARLIER TODAY.......

I was behind a nice blonde girl at the dry cleaner who was picking up her little black dress.

As she was leaving, the lady behind the counter said, "Come again!"

The blonde replied, “No, actually, it’s toothpaste this time, nosey!"

[laislica]

I just bought a microwave fireplace.

You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

[laislica]

I was in the benefits office the other day and heard this at the next desk:-

Do you speak english?
Yes
Name?
Abdul al-Rhasib
Sex?
Three to five times a week.
No, no...I mean male or female?
Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
Holy cow!
Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
But isn't it hostile?
Horse style, doggy style, any style!
Oh dear!
No, no! Deer runs too fast...

English - not that easy?

[laislica]

AN OLD man goes to a church to make a confession.
He goes into the confessional and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 75 years old. I've been married for 50 years.
All these years I'd been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with a 21-year-old beauty.”

The priest replies, “When was the last time you made a confession?"

“I never have. I’m Jewish,” says the man.

“Then why are telling me this?” asks the priest.
The man replies, "Tell you?"

“I’m telling everybody!”

Edited January 18, 2014 by laislica

[bangkokpoppys]

what do you call a good looking Arab?

Asif.

[laislica]

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah.
He died not knowing that he would someday win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

[WitawatWatawit]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

*I do physical labor.

*I work at great depths.

*I plunge head first into everything I do.

*I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

*I work in a damp environment.

*I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

*I work in high temperatures.

*My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have

raised,the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

*You do not work 8 hours straight.

*You fall asleep after brief work periods.

*You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

*You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

*You do not take initiative--you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

*You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

*You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

*You will retire well before you are 65.

*You are unable to work double shifts.

*You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

*And if all this is not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[laislica]

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.

In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 60, they are like onions."
"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter looked at her Mother smiled and said, ”Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

[bangkokpoppys]

Onions and Christmas Trees

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs.

In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 60, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter looked at her Mother smiled and said, ”Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

even got a smile from the misses over this one!

[bangkokpoppys]

Little Johnny asks his dad

"Dad…what's a vagina like before s3x?"

Shocked, his father composes himself and replies "Well son, it's like this. Picture the most beautiful flower with soft velvety petals, and hints of dew glistening in the sun, and a smell like you're wandering through lavender field in southern France. Yep, it's beautiful alright."

"I see Dad. So what's a vagina like after s3x?"

His Dad thought for a moment and said "Can you picture a bulldog eating porridge?"

[laislica]

Little Johnny asks his dad

"Dad…what's a vagina like before s3x?"

Shocked, his father composes himself and replies "Well son, it's like this. Picture the most beautiful flower with soft velvety petals, and hints of dew glistening in the sun, and a smell like you're wandering through lavender field in southern France. Yep, it's beautiful alright."

"I see Dad. So what's a vagina like after s3x?"

His Dad thought for a moment and said "Can you picture a bulldog eating porridge?"

Eeeewwwww!

[laislica]

Feel free to add:-

A MAN'S LIFE OBSERVATIONS...

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory ....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's just a lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',
many men still sleep with their wives!
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

[laislica]

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just <deleted>.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamv a relationshio is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

[laislica]

WOMAN'S YEARLY EXAM

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

[laislica]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:




'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'.

[laislica]

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

[laislica]

MOUSE CALIBRATION

This really works great. Is your mouse calibrated?

You should do this every few days.

More often if you spend a lot of time on the computer.

I was shocked to see that this works!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below.

Then drag the Y toward the g.

If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

You dumb ass. You'll believe anything

[WitawatWatawit]

The Ages Of Women

1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn

[laislica]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, '

You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow,

'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity

to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

[laislica]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got! a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.

We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000 . Please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

[laislica]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

[bangkokpoppys]

A Jewish woman mourning her husband rings the local paper to insert an ad.

Not wanting to spend much, she instructed the helpful operator to insert "Jacob is dead" in the death notices.

"We have a special on today, two lines for the price of one, would you like to write something else?"

The widow thought for a little.

"OK - Jacob is dead, Volvo for sale."

[laislica]

Husband takes his wife to play her first ever game of golf.....
Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune,

I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO SHIT.' He said,

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[lanng khao]

Little red riding hood was walking through the Forrest when she sees the wolf crouched behind a tree, I can see you big bad wolf she shouts, and the wolf runs away, 5 minutes later and there's the wolf couched behind the tree again, I can see you big bad wolf she shouts and the wolf again runs off, another 5 minutes and there he is again, i can see you big bad wolf, and the wolf shouts, I wish you'd <deleted> off am tryin to have a <deleted>!!

Sent from my iPad using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[Ron19]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Big Piney, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years,
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball?

The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

[bangkokpoppys]

Feel free to add:-

A MAN'S LIFE OBSERVATIONS...

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory ....

I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -

'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's just a lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed',

many men still sleep with their wives!

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.

He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?

A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Men in general are hairier than women, however on the whole, women have more hair.