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Posted

A man in Newcastle was caught yesterday,masturbating in a newsagents ....

Apparently its all over the papers.

;)

  • Haha 1
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Sister to brother, after sex... "Hey, you're better than dad!"

Brother... "I know, mom told me"

When I started this thread I was not actually expecting anything quite THAT bad...

Congratulations!

OK may get deleted but,

Two tramps sitting on a park bench, one turns to the other and says, Have you sh-t yourself ?

Second one replies, yes

First one says, it stinks why don't you clean youself up in the duck pond.

Second one replies, I will do when I've finished

Posted

My Dad was walking down the street and he heard a chicken clucking over a fence, he looked at the chicken, the chicken looked back and said, cluck cluck cluck cluuuuck, my Dad said cluuuuck cluck cluuck cluck cluuuuuck!!!......the chicken was rather insulted and replied......cluck cluck cluuuuuuuuck cluck CLUCK!!!!!!!!

Then the police came along and arrested them both for using Fowl language.

  • Like 1
Posted

Little Ralphy on Maths

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Little Ralphy on Maths (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f***ing difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

Little Ralphy on English

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says... 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

Little Ralphy on Grammar (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f****ing beautiful!''

Little Ralphy on Getting Older

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f****ing business.

Posted

An englishman walks into a bar with a pig sitting on his head.

The barman say's " Gee, where did you get that ?"

The pig say's. "It started as a pimple on my arse!"

Posted

A white horse walked into a bar.

The barman said "We've got a whisky named after you."

The horse said "What; Eric?"

Oh yeah... that definately qualifies...

Posted

For some reason this reminds me of tv.com

There was an order of silent monks. No one was allowed to speak. The ancient Abbot who had been there for many years died and was replaced with a new Abbot, who wished to make modest reforms.

He decreed that once every five years a Monk would be able to rise after the evening meal and say something.

The first occurence - a Monk got up onto his feet and said....

"I don't know about the rest of you but I think that the food here is abysmal! "

and sat down. Five years elapsed,

A second Monk arose from his chair and said....

"I totally disagree... I think that the food here is rather good !"

Yet another five years elapsed and a yet another Monk arose...

" I'm outta here... there is too much bitching......!!!!"

Posted

A white horse walked into a bar.

The barman said "We've got a whisky named after you."

The horse said "What; Eric?"

Oh yeah... that definately qualifies...

And the horse is always called Eric.

A man walks in to the marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says....

"This is the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache"

The semi comatose wife says......

"that's not a pig, it's a sheep"

The husband says.....

"I was talking to the sheep"

Posted

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are in a lift when it suddenly stops.

A voice comes over the intercom telling them they will be stuck for at least two hours.

The Englishman says to the other two "Is this some sort of joke!"

Posted

Two Explorers are deep in the jungle on the African Continent.

One evening they make a camp fire and settle down to their evening grub.

Suddendly a hairy arm comes down and grabs Gerald, who then disappears up into the the trees and folliage.

Clive is totally distraught and overcome. He runs around looking for Gerald for many a day but eventually abandons all hope and returns to 'civililisation'.

Many years later Clive is on another expedition and in the middle of the jungle... who shoud emerge but Gerald,,

"Gerald..." How Have you been... where have you been? Have you been lonely?"

"Lonely" says Gerald... " He hasn't phoned.. he hasn't written...."

Posted

A brunette goes to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.

He asks her for more details so she pokes herself in various places, wincing each time she does so.

The doctor looks at her and says "You're really a blonde, aren't you?"

"Yes, doctor; how do you know?"

"You've got a broken finger!"

Posted

Q: How do you make a skeleton?

A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

______________________________________

What is the number one song at the leper colony?

Put your head on my shoulder.

What's number two?

I wanna hold your hand.

Posted

Q: How do you make a skeleton?

A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

______________________________________

What is the number one song at the leper colony?

Put your head on my shoulder.

What's number two?

I wanna hold your hand.

Yeh yeh yeh...

Two lepers paying cards, one threw his hand in and the other one laughed his head off.

Throw a Malteser to Jesus and see how long he takes to catch it.

Jesus and Mary were standing at the Inn reception, the receptionist reached under the counter and produced a small wooden box full of straw, Joseph says "Well,. actually, I asked to see the manager"

Posted

What is the New Zealand national anthem ?

I'll never find another ewe.

Why do seagulls fly upside down over New Zealand ?

There is nothing down there worth crapping on.

  • 3 weeks later...
Posted
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Why the long face?"

Okay, can you beat that with a shorter joke?

a man walks into a bar, what does he say???
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