Aussie foreplay, nudge with elbow, hey, you awake?

Tasmanian foreplay, nudge with elbow, hey, you awake mum?

Kiwi foreplay, nudge with eldow, baaaaa?

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Sister to brother, after sex... "Hey, you're better than dad!"

Brother... "I know, mom told me"

don't think that one can be beaten!

2 indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both were rushed to hospital ... one's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka

A man in Newcastle was caught yesterday,masturbating in a newsagents ....

Apparently its all over the papers.

This was in the veteran's group i am in, enjoy.

Banned from Coles.

Yesterday I was in my local Coles store buying a large bag of Pal dogfood for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I have, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her no, I don't have a dog, I'm starting the Pal diet again. I told her that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost two stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of nearly every orofice and drips in both arms.

I told her it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is you load your pockets with Pal dog biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.(by this time everybody in the queue was enthralled by my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish setters arse and a car hit me.

I thought the bloke behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Now I'm banned from coles.

Sister to brother, after sex... "Hey, you're better than dad!"

Brother... "I know, mom told me"

When I started this thread I was not actually expecting anything quite THAT bad...

Congratulations!

OK may get deleted but,

Two tramps sitting on a park bench, one turns to the other and says, Have you sh-t yourself ?

Second one replies, yes

First one says, it stinks why don't you clean youself up in the duck pond.

Second one replies, I will do when I've finished

My Dad was walking down the street and he heard a chicken clucking over a fence, he looked at the chicken, the chicken looked back and said, cluck cluck cluck cluuuuck, my Dad said cluuuuck cluck cluuck cluck cluuuuuck!!!......the chicken was rather insulted and replied......cluck cluck cluuuuuuuuck cluck CLUCK!!!!!!!!

Then the police came along and arrested them both for using Fowl language.

A boy comes home from school at 7pm,His dad says "where were you"I was with Jessica,he replied,"what were you doing"?"we were studying" After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely"His dad replies".................Wash your hands son, they're donuts.

--------------------

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic wardens funeral , a voice from inside screams "i'm not dead let me out !" The Vicar smiles leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too fuc_king late pal the paperworks already done "

Little Ralphy on Maths

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Little Ralphy on Maths (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f***ing difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

Little Ralphy on English

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says... 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

Little Ralphy on Grammar (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f****ing beautiful!''

Little Ralphy on Getting Older

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f****ing business.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death.

I was thinking about buying a labrador, but a friend put me off.

He said "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady trip over a loose paving stone today.

At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid…then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!

“Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, “That guy’s heading for a breakdown.”

The Dalai Lama walked in to a take-away pizza shop and asked.

"Can you make me one with everything"

An englishman walks into a bar with a pig sitting on his head.

The barman say's " Gee, where did you get that ?"

The pig say's. "It started as a pimple on my arse!"

A white horse walked into a bar.

The barman said "We've got a whisky named after you."

The horse said "What; Eric?"

A white horse walked into a bar.

The barman said "We've got a whisky named after you."

The horse said "What; Eric?"

Oh yeah... that definately qualifies...

For some reason this reminds me of tv.com

There was an order of silent monks. No one was allowed to speak. The ancient Abbot who had been there for many years died and was replaced with a new Abbot, who wished to make modest reforms.

He decreed that once every five years a Monk would be able to rise after the evening meal and say something.

The first occurence - a Monk got up onto his feet and said....

"I don't know about the rest of you but I think that the food here is abysmal! "

and sat down. Five years elapsed,

A second Monk arose from his chair and said....

"I totally disagree... I think that the food here is rather good !"

Yet another five years elapsed and a yet another Monk arose...

" I'm outta here... there is too much bitching......!!!!"

A white horse walked into a bar.

The barman said "We've got a whisky named after you."

The horse said "What; Eric?"

Oh yeah... that definately qualifies...

And the horse is always called Eric.

A man walks in to the marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says....

"This is the pig I have to sleep with when you have a headache"

The semi comatose wife says......

"that's not a pig, it's a sheep"

The husband says.....

"I was talking to the sheep"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are in a lift when it suddenly stops.

A voice comes over the intercom telling them they will be stuck for at least two hours.

The Englishman says to the other two "Is this some sort of joke!"

Two Explorers are deep in the jungle on the African Continent.

One evening they make a camp fire and settle down to their evening grub.

Suddendly a hairy arm comes down and grabs Gerald, who then disappears up into the the trees and folliage.

Clive is totally distraught and overcome. He runs around looking for Gerald for many a day but eventually abandons all hope and returns to 'civililisation'.

Many years later Clive is on another expedition and in the middle of the jungle... who shoud emerge but Gerald,,

"Gerald..." How Have you been... where have you been? Have you been lonely?"

"Lonely" says Gerald... " He hasn't phoned.. he hasn't written...."

A brunette goes to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.

He asks her for more details so she pokes herself in various places, wincing each time she does so.

The doctor looks at her and says "You're really a blonde, aren't you?"

"Yes, doctor; how do you know?"

"You've got a broken finger!"

Three blondes walked into a building.

You would have thought that one of them would have seen it.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

A. Not everyone dumps their load in a washing machine.

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Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A. Keep the tip.

Q: How do you make a skeleton?

A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

______________________________________

What is the number one song at the leper colony?

Put your head on my shoulder.

What's number two?

I wanna hold your hand.

Q: How do you make a skeleton?

A: Put a leper in a wind tunnel.

______________________________________

What is the number one song at the leper colony?

Put your head on my shoulder.

What's number two?

I wanna hold your hand.

Yeh yeh yeh...

Two lepers paying cards, one threw his hand in and the other one laughed his head off.

Throw a Malteser to Jesus and see how long he takes to catch it.

Jesus and Mary were standing at the Inn reception, the receptionist reached under the counter and produced a small wooden box full of straw, Joseph says "Well,. actually, I asked to see the manager"

What is the New Zealand national anthem ?

I'll never find another ewe.

Why do seagulls fly upside down over New Zealand ?

There is nothing down there worth crapping on.

A falang walks into the VFS in BKK.

Thats it. Thats the joke.

Leper anthem:

Leprosy, bits and pieces falling off of me

I'm not half the man I used to be

Oh leprosy, oh leprosy

Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says "Why the long face?"

Okay, can you beat that with a shorter joke?

a man walks into a bar, what does he say???

Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?

A. Keep the tip.

ahahahahahahaha!!!!!

a man walks into a bar, what does he say???

Ouch! It was an iron bar