Worst Joke Ever

[WitawatWatawit]

Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, How much are these oranges?

Two for a quarter, answered the vendor.

How much is just one? she asked.

Fifteen cents, answered the vendor.

Then Ill take the other one,

[bangkokpoppys]

Want to stop visiting family and friends drinking your booze?

Hide it in open view.

Mine's on the shelves at the local 7/11 !

Worried you may be drinking too much wine?

Come to Thailand - now you can't afford it!

Sorry Boys, the best I could come up with....

Perfect!

Gold medal!! <for this forum >

[laislica]

Want to stop visiting family and friends drinking your booze?

Hide it in open view.

Mine's on the shelves at the local 7/11 !

Reminds me of when I went to the village shop and bought a few bottles of beer.

There was a woman sitting there and she said that she would like to drink a beer.

I pointed to the shopkeeper and said "if you give her 40 Baht, you can"

But do our true stories count as jokes? LOL

[WitawatWatawit]

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so p*ssed off when she finds out.

[WitawatWatawit]

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.

The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

[loong]

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so p*ssed off when she finds out.

Your post should include a health warning!

I had just taken a chug of beer which exited through my nose when I read this, then I started choking. I thought that I was going to die laughing!

Incidentally, I was in a porn movie once - but I only had a small part

[WitawatWatawit]

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so p*ssed off when she finds out.

Your post should include a health warning!

I had just taken a chug of beer which exited through my nose when I read this, then I started choking. I thought that I was going to die laughing!

Incidentally, I was in a porn movie once - but I only had a small part

I was on the production team. I was the best boy and my gf was the key grip.

[WitawatWatawit]

A eureka moment! I've discovered the key to Thai mentality in a joke.

A: Why are all those people running?

B: They are running a race to get a cup.

A: Who will get the cup?

B: The person who wins.

A: Then why are all the others running?

[WitawatWatawit]

The State Railway of Thailand explains its philosophy:

What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?

Says the SRT director:

How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

[WitawatWatawit]

Besotted two-week tourist to his teelak:

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.

"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

[wpcoe]

Here's another batch I've collected:

My wife said, "How come you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre."
I said, "How come you never take me to the strip club?"

________________________________________

My mate asked me last night...
"When was the last time you had sex with your wife?"
"Last Saturday. Hopefully"
________________________________________

"So," said the doctor, "roll up your sleeve for the innoculation."
"Can't I have it in my backside?"
"Of course you can, but I'll innoculate you first, OK?"

________________________________________

Me: Darling, to me, you are like a neutron star.
Her: Awww, is that because I brighten up your world and your love for me burns as hot as the sun?
Me: No, it's because you are the densest thing in the fuc_king universe.

________________________________________

I was squashed up next to a stunning Asian girl on the tube and I could feel myself getting hard. We were that tight together she couldn't help but notice it.
"Your c**k is very hard, isn't it?" She said to me,
"Yes, I'm very sorry, " I told her,
"Don't be," she replied, "mine is as well."

________________________________________

A Jew, a Paki, and a German live next door to each other. Who is hated the most?
The rental agent

________________________________________

The guy at the urinal next to me today said, "What a dick..." I was a little uncomfortable, but I played it cool and said, "Thanks, man. Yours is nice too."
Then he turned his head to look at me and I realized he was wearing a Bluetooth earpiece

________________________________________

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the twist. They did Jump, so I jumped. They played Come on Eileen. I got thrown out for that one.

________________________________________

Life is like a game of chess.
White goes first.

________________________________________

After making a salad for dinner tonight, I have come to the conclusion there is no 'straight' way to wash a cucumber using your hands. Judging by the way I wash these cucumbers, I think I would have made some gay guy a pretty good boyfriend.

________________________________________

After 5 years of divorce, my wife asked me if I'd take her back.
"I'll try" I said. "Remember that time you caught me shagging your sister?"

________________________________________

After twenty years of uncertainty I've finally been diagnosed with bi-polar illness.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry

________________________________________

Love - The misguided notion that one woman is different from all the others

________________________________________

I've just started a new extermination company that specialises in felines. I'm calling it Curiosity.

________________________________________

I'm not sure if I suffer from Alzheimer's or Erectile Dysfunction.
I can't remember the last time I had a proper hard on.

________________________________________

I've just learned that tantric sex is where you have sex without moving.
I've never tried it myself, but my wife does it all the time.

________________________________________

My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often.
Well, he actually told me I could have a stroke any time.

________________________________________

At the Neighbourhood Watch meeting we discussed arson attacks against the local Muslim community.
We've agreed to start them next week.

________________________________________

Presumably Oprah Winfrey wants equality for black people.
Well, there's nothing more equal than starving African children and a fat multi-millionaire buying vanity products in Switzerland.

________________________________________

I work at 'The Ministry of Silly Walks'.
But when I'm there, I have to call it the 'Spinal Injuries Unit'.

________________________________________

I walked up to a female member of staff in Tesco today and said, "Do you know where the Weight Watchers meals are?"
"I'm afraid not," she replied, "It's my first day."
"Fair enough," I said, "Let me show you."

________________________________________

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

________________________________________

Ever wondered the lengths women will go to prove they haven't cheated?
Christianity.
Enough said.

________________________________________

I asked my daughter what she learned in school today.
She said, "I learned a lot of new things about the human body."
I asked, "In Biology?"
She replied, "No, behind the canteen!"

________________________________________

Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet.

________________________________________

My daughter used to get mostly 'C's from her teacher.
Now she gets mostly A's after Mother Nature gave her a couple of D's

________________________________________

I found out what it takes to give my girlfriend a screaming orgasm.
Another man.

________________________________________

What do you get if you put the head of a cat on the body of a dog?
Contacted by the RSPCA.

________________________________________

I just explained Google images to my mum.
'Pick anything to search for', I said. She replied 'What about a nice cream pie?'.
'Except that.' I said.

________________________________________

My wife cooks the meanest pasta.
Last night it mocked my tiny penis and insulted my ginger son.

________________________________________

The prostitute I frequent has only one arm, but somehow I still got the clap.

________________________________________

My new book, 'The Secret Life Of Tom Cruise', is finally finished.
It should be coming out soon.

________________________________________

Just been reading the instructions on my suppositories:
"Insert two inches up anus.
Keep out of reach of children."
Think I'll do three inches to be on the safe side.

[WitawatWatawit]

I lub you long time.

[WitawatWatawit]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A frisbee

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipes his butt.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!

How does an octopus go to war? WELL-ARMED

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance? Reefer!

Why is there no gambling in Africa? Too many Cheetahs!

What type of music do mummies listen to? WRAP MUSIC!

[laislica]

A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."

What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderpants

What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A frisbee

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? Wipes his butt.

What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything!

How does an octopus go to war? WELL-ARMED

What is a shark's favorite illegal substance? Reefer!

Why is there no gambling in Africa? Too many Cheetahs!

What type of music do mummies listen to? WRAP MUSIC!

Almost a clear winner in this thread LOL

[bangkokpoppys]

+1

Was running short of Dad jokes now I have plenty!

Well done Witawatwatawit!! Yellow jersey (or should that be golden??!!!)

[laislica]

[loong]

What type of music do mummies listen to? WRAP MUSIC!

I remember the mummies big charity concert

Band-Age

[bangkokpoppys]

OK you lot, time for the Dr-Dr jokes...

Doctor Doctor - I feel like a deck of cards.

Sit down and I'll deal with you later….

[onthemoon]

Doctor Doctor - Everybody ignores me.

Next, please.

[onthemoon]

Doctor Doctor - Nobody takes me seriously.

You must be kidding.

[WitawatWatawit]

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!

Stick your foot out and trip it up!

[WitawatWatawit]

Doctor doctor collection 02

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.

Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee

Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...

What's wrong with them?

They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.

Don't talk rubbish!

[WitawatWatawit]

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. Well said the doctor, this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain. Thats OK said the Englishman. Ive always wanted to be Irish and Im prepared to take the risk.

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. Im so terribly sorry!! the doctor said. Instead of removing half the brain, Ive taken the whole brain out. The patient replied, No worries, mate!!

[bangkokpoppys]

From Dr's to Aussies -

How do you tell a well balanced Aussie?

He has a chip on both shoulders…!

From Aussies to Pom's….

How do you tell when a plane load of poms has arrived at Melbourne airport?

The engines have stopped but you can still hear the whining.

[WitawatWatawit]

What's the difference between an Australian and a computer ?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.

If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it

first ? The blonde - the other two don't exist.

What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians? At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.

What does an Aussie sheila use for protection during sex? A bus shelter.

There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.

If it only takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?

Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her. They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,"Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" Bruce replied, "I guess she choked."

An Australian gentleman should always offer to light his girlfriends farts before lighting his own.

[laislica]

Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Just pull yourself together!

[loong]

Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Just pull yourself together!

Yes, you are looking slightly drawn!

[bangkokpoppys]

What's the difference between BSE and PMT?

One's mad cow's disease, and the other is an agricultural problem.

[laislica]

I pulled a gypsy bird last night, she asked me if I wanted to go back to hers for a good time.

She wasn't kidding, I went on the dodgems, the waltzers, a ghost train and I came home with a gold fish.

I was in a pub in the town last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my butt and said

Give me your number, sexy!!

I replied Have you got a pen? She smiled and said Yes.

I replied Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing.

[laislica]

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta match sticks,

his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.