Worst Joke Ever

[ozsamurai]

Just to bring the level back down.

I saw a shoplifter being arrested by an albino police officer the other day, I thought "That's a fair cop!"

I said to the bargirl giving me a lap dance "I like your moves but, can you roll your arse for me?"

She said "I don't know, but I'll try. Around the rugged....."

Oz

[laislica]

[laislica]

Note to self:

If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work,

remember to not kiss her on the lips.

[bangkokpoppys]

Note to self:

If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work,

remember to not kiss her on the lips.

both sets!!!

[laislica]

A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC.

This is a frightening statistic, probably one of the most worrisome in recent years.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental Illness.

That's scary!

It means 75% are running around untreated!!

[silver sea]

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

Edited April 19, 2014 by jukebox

[WitawatWatawit]

An American is in Saudi Arabia for a business meeting. But at the airport he finds out that the meeting is on the other side of the desert. So he starts walking.... After a couple of hours he is very tired and hot. Luckily he reaches a camel rental station! So he decides to rent a camel. Since he had never ridden a camel before, he asks the attendant how to ride it. The attendant responds: " Simple! You get on top of the camel. When you want him to start walking you say 'wow'. When you want him to go faster, you say 'wow, wow'. If you want him to go really fast, you say 'wow, wow, wow'". So the guy gets on the camel and says "wow". The camel starts walking. The guy thinks "hey! this is cool. I can get a hang of this". So he says "wow, wow". The camel starts running slowly. Well, the guy likes that and he thinks "let's see what this baby can do"! So he says "wow, wow, wow". At this point the camel starts dashing across the desert. The guy notices that a deep ravine is approaching; really fast. At this time he realizes that he forgot to ask the attendant what the "stop" command was. Well, he gets really scared and starts praying. The ravine keeps getting closer and closer... Right when him and the camel are about to dive into the ravine, he finishes his prayer with "amen". Hearing this word, the camel suddenly stops; right at the edge of the cliff. The guy, white as a ghost, leans forward and looks at the bottom of the really deep ravine and says

"wow"!

[bangkokpoppys]

Thank this is the worst joke forum!!

Reminds me of this guy who tragically lost his this arm in a chainsaw accident. Years went by and technology caught up to him so much so that he was able to get a robotic arm that was everything like a human arm, only that it needed to be told what to do. To facilitate this HMI, there was a cosy little microphone built into the arm socket - all the wearer had to do was bend his neck over, talk to the mike and the arm responded flawlessly. This invention was so good it predated Siri with far more accuracy, and won a cache of awards along the way.

So here's this guy now in his 50's and enjoying his new found limbido. He was the pioneering applicant and asked on several occasions to speak to armies of people curious as to how he gets on in life.

At one function, the beers are catching up with him and deciding to break the seal, he heads for the head to see a man about a dog.

As he finishes up pointing Percy at the porcelain, an interesting thing happens. He leans over and says "shake the drops" and his arm starts vibrating like a commercial peanut cleaner. A smile wrenches over his face and as he looks around he says to his arm "Shake it more".

By this time the arm is flapping like a bees wing and he's reaping the rewards and basking in some forthcoming sunshine.

Looking around again he says "shake it harder" - only this time his arm is oscillating like a honeymooners mattress. At once, Percy is snapped off at the base and blood squirts all over the place.

"Aaaaarghh" he screams, "F#*% me"!

And so they found him lifeless, on the bathroom floor, the first man to have a robotic limb successfully attached, and the first man to have successfully had sex with himself.

[WitawatWatawit]

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying you "do not" sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

[WitawatWatawit]

Hope you all enjoy this one as much as I did. Superb.

What If DR. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

[WitawatWatawit]

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down", he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

[WitawatWatawit]

Australia were playing New Zealand at the MCG at the end of a very bad summer season.

The phone rang in the Australian dressing room. "This is Mrs Trevor Chappell calling from Sydney. Would I be able to speak to my husband?"

The bloke who answered said: "I'm sorry but you've just missed him. He's just gone in to bat."

She said: "That's fine. I'll hold."

Edited April 21, 2014 by WitawatWatawit

[WitawatWatawit]

Dad, Mabel and their son Dave lived on a small farm in the Murray River district of

New South Wales, Australia.

Poor Dave had no one to play with but he sure had a knack for getting into trouble.

One hot summer afternoon Dave was walking past the outhouse, which perched precariously on the bank of the mighty Murray river, when he had a mischievous idea.

Dave was a strong lad and so he used all his might to push the outhouse into the river.

He couldn't control his laugher as the outhouse floated out of sight.

A few hours later Dad came up to Dave

and asked " Dave did you push the outhouse into the river".

"NO" said Dave.

So Dad sat down with Dave and told him the story of George Washington and the cherry tree.

Dave was impressed by the fact that George Washington's father didn't punish George

because he was honest and admitted to his father that he had cut down the cherry tree.

When Dad asked Dave " did you push the outhouse into the river"

Dave proudly answered " yes father I can not tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the river ".

Dad gave Dave a terrible beating with his belt.

Dave sobbed " George Washington didn't get punished when he told his father the truth".

Dad replied " yes but his father wasn't up the cherry tree ".

[Crossy]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, the wife & I decided we were going to commit suicide. But strangely enough, once she had killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Not worth it, I'll soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

[WitawatWatawit]

So a little femme dyke is sitting in a bar, and a big diesel number comes in, hoists herself onto the barstool next to her and orders a beer.

After a bit, she turns to the femme, gives her a wink, and says "So, little lady, what's your name?"

The femme says "I'm Mary!"

The butch sneers at her, "Mary?! Shit, that's a BOY's name!"

(Took me a second, but I like it)

[WitawatWatawit]

Some Chinese jokes.

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Did you hear the one about the Chinese Godfather?

He makes you an offer you can't understand.

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won.

What is the most common crime in China?

Identity Fraud.

What do you call a Chinese paralympian?

Lim Ping

CHINESE PREGNANCY TEST: Put an unsolved Rubik's cube into her vagina. If it comes out solved, she is pregnant.

If you spin a Chinese man around would he become disoriented?

If Japanese pop is Jpop then what is Chinese rap?

Scientist say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

-

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies: "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why that hairy big nose?"

The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."

-

Chinese neighbours named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and decided to immigrate to the United States. In order to get a visa, they had to Americanise their names. Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Su and decided to stay in China!

EDIT:

Time for an edit because of bloody stupid TV censorship rules. This is how it SHOULD read:

Chinese neighbours Chu, Bu, Su and <delete> F-u

and ...

Chu became Chuck. Bu became Buck. Hu became Huck. Su and <delete> F-u decided to stay in China!)

So, f and u together as two simple letters, even as a syllable, are censored. The apes of wrath.

Edited April 24, 2014 by WitawatWatawit

[Robby nz]

[WitawatWatawit]

American is sitting in his favourite Tokyo restaurant. Drunk Japanese man says: "I sick you big round eyes, ugly, hairy." The American replied, "Put on a blindfold." Japanese man said: "Smart arse American, this restaurant, not shop here, haha, where do I get one?

American: "Here take my shoe lace."

[riceyummm]

What would you call a Japanese acrobat?

A little Nip in the air.

[WitawatWatawit]

How do fish party?

Seaweed.

What's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks!

What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist!

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill!

How do you kill a circus clown?

Go for the juggler!

[WitawatWatawit]

Thanks riceyumm - you just reminded me of this one (say it a couple of times to get the rhythm right).

What do you call a cranky Japanese man whose father has diarrhoea?

A snappy little Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

[WitawatWatawit]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore

Why do men get their greatest ideas in bed?

Because they're plugged into a genius!

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Apply lubricant

When does a cub become a boy scout?

When he eats his first Brownie.

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles

What did the sign on the brothel say?

Beat it, we’re closed

[bangkokpoppys]

What is the German word for "bra"?

An over-shoulder-boulder-holder.

[loong]

I asked the Missus "Why do you bother to wear a bra?, you've hardly anything to put in it"

She gave me a cool look and said "You wear underpants, don't you?"

[bangkokpoppys]

What does a Greek woman use when she's menstruating?

Abzorba the Greek

[bangkokpoppys]

How do you recondition a hooker?

Throw in a leg of lamb and pull out the bone.

[bangkokpoppys]

What do you call a Vietnamese walking a dog?

Vegetarian.

What do you call a Vietnamese walking 10 dogs?

A caterer

•for clarity - "Vietnamese" as referring to the Hanoi type who feast on man's best friend as opposed to their southern brethren.

[laislica]

How do you recondition a hooker?

Throw in a leg of lamb and pull out the bone.

A well boiled ......

Then just pull the bone out.....

[riceyummm]

Every time I post an MH370 joke it disappears.

[riceyummm]

This has probably been posted before. I'm getting old and don't remember, that's the downside. The upside is that I can go back to page one and laugh at all the new jokes for the fifth time.