Worst Joke Ever

[ozsamurai]

and finally for today... did he really go there?

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Obama laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

[silver sea]

Man loses his dog. Puts an ad in the paper: "Here Boy".

[silver sea]

This is a sight joke, but has a strong groan factor, as in "that's the worst joke ever" type of groan. Warfie, who started this column (gone but not forgotten), would be very proud!

I am currently back in the UK for a short time, and saw this guy driving around and so did a google search.

In British English, if you want to tone down the word "bloody" you can say "ruddy" as in "Ruddy Hell" or, if like me, you come from Essex, and so drop your h's, then you would say "Ruddy 'ell".

If learning to drive in the UK, you have to display, front and back, a red L on a white background on your car.

This bloke, Nick Ruddy, is a driving instructor and so he calls his business ...

... wait for it:

[scottishjohn]

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Who's "P" is silent?

[silver sea]

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Who's "P" is silent?

It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread.

[silver sea]

My doctor told me I was paranoid ... Well, he didn't actually say that, but I know he was thinking it.

[Thaimaishoe]

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Who's "P" is silent?

It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread.

I would venture to agree we think of women a LOT here.

[Thaimaishoe]

Guy calls his Dr.

"Doc, I think my wife has died!"

Doc, "Why do you think she's dead?"

"Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up!"

[scottishjohn]

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Who's "P" is silent?

It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread.

I know it was. That is why I was actually taking the "P" !

[silver sea]

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Who's "P" is silent?

It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread.

I know it was. That is why I was actually taking the "P" !

And there was me thinking you were the dour Scot, who had misplaced his funny bone, when in fact you're quite the jaunty Jock! ?

Edited September 3, 2014 by silver sea

[silver sea]

"Always leave them wanting more." That's what my uncle used to say to me ... which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.

[Thaimaishoe]

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car!

[laislica]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. Bruce,

I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said. "Struth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank".

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B". Frank said. "Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce.

"What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum" replied Frank.

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits".

"Play with her tits"? Frank said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied,

"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

[laislica]

[laislica]

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, t

he remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (F U K).
In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum,

Westminster has now begun to campaign with the slogan:

"Vote NO, for F U K's sake"

[laislica]

I dropped a box of maltesers at a weight watchers meeting last night.
It was like watching a live game of Hungry Hippos!

[laislica]

And now, back to topic!

Two parrots standing on a perch, one says to the other..
"by this fookin fish stinks"

[laislica]

South Yorkshire Police have just issued a formal apology to Sir Cliff Richard -
At the time of the raid they weren't aware he'd spent so much time outside the UK he qualified for recognition as an immigrint

[WitawatWatawit]

Q: Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it's in the bathroom?

A: Because the 'p' is silent.

Who's "P" is silent?

It's a DOUBLE ENTENDRE and so has a double meaning. 'Up to you', which one you take. You can even take both at once if you want; we are quite broad minded on this thread.

I would venture to agree we think of women a LOT here.

Or Bombay bloomers.

[laislica]

Injury lawyers 4u are shit. when our neighbours 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing our fence

they told me to take a photo of her gash.

Guess who´s in court tomorrow.

[laislica]

Just got in and found my wife dead....

So I decided to have sex with her one last time......

Suddenly she opened her eyes and said "BOO!"......

Honestly some people are just sick in the head!

[bkkmick]

I was watching my wife drawing her eyebrows and I said "they look a little high".

She looked surprised.

[Daffy D]

This has got to be the best story this week:-

Giant Panda Accused of Faking Pregnancy for Extra Buns

A giant Chinese panda has been accused of faking a pregnancy in a cunning bid for free buns.

Ai Hin seemed to display all the signs of an expectant mother, including moving less and initially having a smaller appetite

The keepers at Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Research Centre were said to be so excited at the prospect of the pregnancy they prepared to film the birth.

However, it seems that Ai Hin had everyone duped and was never pregnant at all.

It seems the panda had learnt that her pregnancy news would see her rewarded with plenty of extra buns.

Wu Kongju, a panda expert told China's state news agency Xinhua that giant pandas are moved into a single room with air conditioning when pregnant.

"They also receive more buns, fruits and bamboo, so some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life."

Where's the joke you ask

The joke is on the zoo keepers but as they are not Thai related there is no joke, so this must be the Worst Joke Ever

Story:- https://uk.news.yahoo.com/giant-panda-accused-faking-pregnancy-extra-buns-191248068.html#S2UP8fr

Edited September 5, 2014 by Daffy D

[silver sea]

Crazy paving - is it all it's cracked up to be?

[laislica]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away,

Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

" Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong.

" She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues,

"And if that damned ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

"Shit.....I should have left the weed in the car!"

Edited September 6, 2014 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]