Does Family Come First For Your Wife?

[sbk]

Personal attacks have been deleted. Further such posts will result in more formal action than mere deletion. Lets keep this civil please.

[sanook2me]

All too often I read statements like this on Thai Visa

"One has to come to accept the Asian ways which are self-preservation and care of close family first before considerations for a partner"

I believe this is part of the conditioning a Thai woman will inflict on her farang partner to justify the way she treats him.

What are other members thoughts?

Have you asked your farang mom this question?

I think you will find she can answer for Thai wives too...

[mahtin]

My husband number one.

<deleted> you want?

Honesty?

She said it. You bought into it.

What's to discuss?

[garyh]

In my family (joke)

In my situation, the mother-in-law is firts, and she is above all things, children etc....

Of course when she gets old...... PAY BACK time.....

I will enjoy that time the most.

When she gets old she will be more first than she is now. Thai's do respect there elders.

[garyh]

My wife always puts me first......

I have to cross the busy road first

I have to be the first one up when there are noises at night

I am the first one she comes to when a light globe needs changing

Who gets up to cook breakfast for you?

[daoyai]

I really hate the word "farang" I have come to associate it with something bad sorry, I had to get that off my chest and I'm not a "farang" and can live with what the Thais call me but it just seems funny to see white men say it.

Anyway I would say my wife puts our children first and me second after that her family and my family, I think that is the order of things with most woman not just Thai. I would hardly say my wife would sell off our possessions and give the money to her family, not that they need it as they are pretty well off.

You are the farang - get used to it, you will hear it frequently.

It also quickly becomes part of your vocubulary as in "..is that a new Falang in town...?". You do not find yourself saying "..is that a new white male Westerner in town..."

No, I am Indian Dang not Falang, farang whatever. I thought the name Hunkpati (Dakota) might have given that away, well maybe not most people only know Hunkpapa (Lakota).

still farang

[Lopburi99]

I remember once when we were staying in Jomtien Beach for a few days my wife's mother called saying she needed to take the bus to Nakhon Sawan from the Sa Kaew area. My wife felt sorry for her mother going alone for the long trip. Afterward she asked me if maybe she should join her mother in BKK then take the bus trip together.

I said sure, no problem, I'll be just fine alone in Jomtien for a few days . Unfortunately the mother ended up going alone.

Where is that "family first" attitude when I needed it!

[IanForbes]

I really don't see the problem. It varies with the families involved. Certainly a lot of Thai women put their parents first. That is to be expected. It's not until a spouse has proven trustworthy that he "might" rise to the top of the priority list. Children "usually" come first once they appear on the scene, and that is to be expected. Children should ALWAYS come first... except in very isolated cases where the male is the protector of the "herd". That dates back to early evolution and is only the case in very isolated tribes living far from civilization.

It never bothers me where I rank on the priority list so long as I'm getting what I want out of a relationship. I always knew that my second wife's children came first in our relationship and that never bothered me. I put my own children and grand children in front of myself.

[Heng]

Oh I think they do take advantage of me financially. NO, I do not hand them my money every month..... I work for the family company. But lets shed some light on that. In my field of work, one is required a doctorate degree. With that in mind, I hold the only doctorate degree in the nation in my field, but yet, I am paid less than what I earned while I was in high school working for Radio Shack! Befor Thailand, I was in the states earning 6 figures.... I was promised the moon to get me here, 20 hr work week, 75K etc etc...

Now, I work 6-7 days a week, and earn what most English teachers earn!!!!!!!!!!!

and yes, I have a seat at the kiddie table.

Rather than my son visiting his father at "His office" he goes to "Yai's office, and visits daddy." Freaking crazy, I work hard to richen a former rice farmer!

So yes, I see my wife choosing her family over our family EVERY DAY.

Fortuanatley after 4 years of this, the wife is starting to see that the only folks getting rich from us being here, is her family... (they drive the nice new cars, own land, have homes etc) so she is starting to talk about returning to America.

Great timing witht he economic colapse and all.....

Tough situation to be in Dakhar, I probably would have moved to another part of town or at the very least split my businesses from them. It sounds like you're all living together, yes? The situation you describe does indeed happen among Thais, without the part about moving to another country. It's less common among Thai-foreign relationships (as usually it's a one way street downhill, not uphill), but I've seen it a couple times in Thai families. People with kee-ngok (in this case, not meaning just 'cheap' but also wanting what is not rightfully theirs.... the kind of people who always take home/clean out the hotel soaps and towels for example) personalities taking advantage of the outsider.

[Brigante7]

My wife put's our family first (Me, her and our son), we live in the Uk but phones her mum & dad 4 - 5 times a week.

Brigante7.

[autonomous_unit]

These threads always make me cringe.

The forum sometimes seems to try awfully hard to crowd out less common perspectives, and this drives away a lot of interesting, but less typical members. This thread is full of people suggesting that there's only one way that Thai/Farang families work, and doubting the veracity of anyone's marriage who dares to suggest otherwise... I am only posting this reply in case some other lurker sees it and decides maybe they aren't quite so alone in the wilderness. Most of the people "like me" who I've encountered on this forum have eventually told me that they gave up and stopped visiting due to this feeling.

Maybe my wife has become "less Thai" with me, and I've become "less American" with her. We figure out how we can take care of family needs together, and neither of us is petty enough to force a choice "between parent or spouse". And that goes both ways: you don't find compromise in life by walking around thinking about absolutes and ultimatums.

We've both come from modest "lower middle class" roots and built ourselves up into successful professionals, then decided to risk it all to stay together. By relocating first to Thailand and now back to the US, we've both disrupted our career tracks and made substantial financial sacrifices (the majority of our cumulative net worth to age 35) to remain together on our own terms. Neither of us get the lives we imagined at age 23 (shortly before we met). But that's just it--we've built a life together that neither of us could have imagined. Neither of our families probably really understood what we were getting ourselves into, nor entirely agreed with some of our choices. But they respect our independence and our need to find our own happiness, so they gave us their blessings as well.

[gburns57au]

My wife always puts me first......

I have to cross the busy road first

I have to be the first one up when there are noises at night

I am the first one she comes to when a light globe needs changing

Who gets up to cook breakfast for you?

when we have it.........me

Actually my missus is pretty good....In our mob there is no putting first.....the three of us are a family here and it pretty much shares out....Her family is pretty well spread between Thailand, Oz and Europe.

You know if a girl has travelled halfway around the world to stay with someone then that person has been put before her family already.

If you go to Thailand to stay with your girl then you have to expect that her family will be placed fairly high on her priority list.

[toybits]

Why is it that is sounds like it is a baaaaad thing that she gives 1st priority to family (as in kids or her own folks). After all, family is blood. If those were your kids, half of their blood came from you and you are more related to your kids that to your wife. So if I were to choose between my kids and my wife, I would probably choose my kids.

[Escobar69]

stand up for yourself dakhar.

[Dakhar]

Yes, I used to fear that if I "set some shi%" straight, I would risk losing 50-70% of my net worth. (I have been through a divorce before & I know the wife gets more than 50% no matter what the courts say)

But now we have 2 boys, I would hate to lose them, the money now.... not that much of an issue, I never see what I have stashed away, so I do not worry about that, it is as if it does not exsist.

I do see things getting better....

It is funny to hear her whine about the lack of money..... when in the US, we were doing very well. I just say, "Talk to your mother if you want more money, don't come to me." My wife also works for the mother.... she earns 15K, with a MA from Univ of Texas, strong English, and a very strong Understanding & knowledge of the field I am in. Without her, the company would have some major issues. She is a fulcrum at this company, but yet she is paid a joke wage.

So it is not just me the MIL does not mind shafting. When we were in the states, we did not have to have a combined income to survive... but now we do.

[Lopburi99]

Yes, I used to fear that if I "set some shi%" straight, I would risk losing 50-70% of my net worth. (I have been through a divorce before & I know the wife gets more than 50% no matter what the courts say)

But now we have 2 boys, I would hate to lose them, the money now.... not that much of an issue, I never see what I have stashed away, so I do not worry about that, it is as if it does not exsist.

I do see things getting better....

It is funny to hear her whine about the lack of money..... when in the US, we were doing very well. I just say, "Talk to your mother if you want more money, don't come to me." My wife also works for the mother.... she earns 15K, with a MA from Univ of Texas, strong English, and a very strong Understanding & knowledge of the field I am in. Without her, the company would have some major issues. She is a fulcrum at this company, but yet she is paid a joke wage.

So it is not just me the MIL does not mind shafting. When we were in the states, we did not have to have a combined income to survive... but now we do.

What if your wife said "everything up to you". What changes would you make? What would make you happy?

Is it possible to work toward this goal, given a new attitude of increased strength perhaps?

[Unfaithful]

I have two gay partners.They each understand that I pay; I am number one.He who has the gold, rules.Done and dusted.

[PeaceBlondie]

My gay partner wanted a farang, on my terms. He sees them regularly; they drop by. Mama is senile, so we all be sure she's OK. They can visit, but not live here. That's my rules. My two oldest kids married Mexicans; another married an Irish girl - they know that the in-laws are very important.

[glegolo]

I sincerely believe that Thais, both male and female will put close family, before partners, Thai or Farang. There is an unpayable debt to the parents, aunties and uncles that raised them.

-----------------------------------------------

very very well put Garry9999, the words "unpayable debt". That is just what it is about. I think it is both good and bad, but I have to respect, that family goes first as long as Thai themselfs have found this way of living to be best, anyhow when it comes to parents themselfs.

But what pisses me off is when I see from time to time that it is mostly the girls that have this "unpayable debt syndrom", the Thaiboys they are just fuc_king arround, take next to noone respeonsibility, and let their sisters support mom and dad.

OK.. I agree there are exceptions, but in whole......

So any how.. we falang.. right or wrong we are coming I think (in a good famioly) maybe as no; 3?????

glegolo

[glegolo]

I have two gay partners.They each understand that I pay; I am number one.He who has the gold, rules.Done and dusted.

--------------------------------------

So you really think that because these 2 guys are smiling at you and taking your money, you are number ONE...

ojojojoj, do you exist really????

Glegolo

[a2396]

I have two gay partners.They each understand that I pay; I am number one.He who has the gold, rules.Done and dusted.

Yes, logic would dictate such. However, the behavior of these families is often counterproductive to their own interests. They will often push money demanding to sn extent that the Farang is either broke or tells them to go to hel_l & exits.

[Padrino]

what about those not married, do boyfriends get treated as a priority or does a bit of paper make all the difference? There are many bfs playing the same role , performing the same duties as husbands, what sort of treatment should they expect from their gfs.

[a2396]

what about those not married, do boyfriends get treated as a priority or does a bit of paper make all the difference? There are many bfs playing the same role , performing the same duties as husbands, what sort of treatment should they expect from their gfs.

Paper is paper - worthless, without respect and commitment. Such things don't come with a marriage certificate. Family is usually priority in any case with the "loco" girls.

[Escobar69]

ok, so stand up to the mother in law. what will she do, spank you?

[stingray]

I'm not use to write something in this topic. But because i'm writing a book actually i like to answer this topic.

It's depend if a marriage is based on money or on love. A young handsome Farang guy can turn a Thaigirls head away from her family, but only if she has no childern. A old guy will have no chance against the family, because a young girl or wife will stay with him only for the cashflow every month. I'm my self, i'm middle aged. But actually with all the opostunities we foreigners have here in Thailand, i don't see a reason to stay with someone permanently. In USA they say: "It"s cheaper to keep her". Here in Thailand it's, as so manything else, always the opposite way. It's cheaper to not stay in a relationship, just enjoy your life. No headaches, no lost houses, etc. Keep your cash in the bank! Unless you want to take someone permanently overseas. There is only a the solution of marriage. But then again, you have to be very careful who you choice. Remeber if a girl or wive who have kids from their ex husband or boyfriend, and if they living with her parents, the parents always can use the kids as a excuse to ask for some money. I personally not see the reason to rise and support someone elses kids.

[Dakhar]

ok, so stand up to the mother in law. what will she do, spank you?

True story and a sad one if not just plain pathetic.

Every time I would come to Thailand her mother would try her best to get me to take a position at the mother's company or get me a job here in Thailand. (my field is right in her area of business) She figured I would be a great asset, "White Icon" etc etc etc

So, I came to Thailand for a visit, she took me to a University for a job interview and they made their top offer if 12K USD a year....

It was hard to control the laughter.

So I sat down in front of the computer and showed the MIL what the average house hold income was in the US, and salary break down for occupations in the US. My salary was right about where a surgeon's is....

The next day, my wife said she wanted a divorce, because I "broke her mother's heart."

Yep, true story.... so the MIL will not spank me, the wife will rape me. (again MOMMY FIRST)

So after 5 years in the states, my wife puts her foot down and says we are going back to Thailand, or else we get a divorce....

Even though I sent her home bi-annually for a totall of 5 months out of the year.... that was not good enough.

(crazy to see this written down)

Any how, my net worth was pretty high and gaining during those days and I did not want to see it be ripped out of my hands because some girl wants to be next to Mommy....

So we moved to this bastion of happiness.... My income went from 120+K to 17K

I do not plan on standing up to the MIL, I have sent some resumes out and kind of one of those "wait and see" kind of things. The wife is going to apply for a visa next week.

(she had a green card) but gave that up after living out side of the US for too long.

But it will be one of the happiest days of my life when I quit the MIL.

The wife's family unit is falling apart too, (father moving away he is 60 yrs old and scored a 30yr old Isan gf) (mother getting a place closer to the office) etc etc.

So I guess I could say the candle is burning out, and at the very least we "tried" to make it a go here. I would call it a very expensive experience....

So I hope to put this experience behind me and raise my boys up in a better educational environment.

Sometimes it is best to pick your battles wisley.... this battle is dwindling on its own.

[Dakhar]

I'm not use to write something in this topic. But because i'm writing a book actually i like to answer this topic.

It's depend if a marriage is based on money or on love. A young handsome Farang guy can turn a Thaigirls head away from her family, but only if she has no childern. A old guy will have no chance against the family, because a young girl or wife will stay with him only for the cashflow every month. I'm my self, i'm middle aged. But actually with all the opostunities we foreigners have here in Thailand, i don't see a reason to stay with someone permanently. In USA they say: "It"s cheaper to keep her". Here in Thailand it's, as so manything else, always the opposite way. It's cheaper to not stay in a relationship, just enjoy your life. No headaches, no lost houses, etc. Keep your cash in the bank! Unless you want to take someone permanently overseas. There is only a the solution of marriage. But then again, you have to be very careful who you choice. Remeber if a girl or wive who have kids from their ex husband or boyfriend, and if they living with her parents, the parents always can use the kids as a excuse to ask for some money. I personally not see the reason to rise and support someone elses kids.

Always an exception to the rules.... My wifes age differs by 5 years, I met her in the states while she was in college, I had just finished. But yes in my situation I stuck things out because it was cheaper to do so. In those days I was in my late 20's making more money than I ever thought possible, and I did not want to lose that..... now,

I just don't care so much. I don't even think I will ever earn that kind of money again... but I would take a low paying position, pay my 30% to the MAN and just cope with it. Our relationship has gotten better, I would not divorce her over these things, and I think she sees the damage on her own. (or at least I hope she does)

[Bobsyouruncle]

I'm not use to write something in this topic. But because i'm writing a book actually i like to answer this topic.

It's depend if a marriage is based on money or on love. A young handsome Farang guy can turn a Thaigirls head away from her family, but only if she has no childern. A old guy will have no chance against the family, because a young girl or wife will stay with him only for the cashflow every month. I'm my self, i'm middle aged. But actually with all the opostunities we foreigners have here in Thailand, i don't see a reason to stay with someone permanently. In USA they say: "It"s cheaper to keep her". Here in Thailand it's, as so manything else, always the opposite way. It's cheaper to not stay in a relationship, just enjoy your life. No headaches, no lost houses, etc. Keep your cash in the bank! Unless you want to take someone permanently overseas. There is only a the solution of marriage. But then again, you have to be very careful who you choice. Remeber if a girl or wive who have kids from their ex husband or boyfriend, and if they living with her parents, the parents always can use the kids as a excuse to ask for some money. I personally not see the reason to rise and support someone elses kids.

Very good post Stingray.

I agree with you 100%

I see this too many times in Thailand, if the guy is old and ugly...money/family comes first.

If it is real love then the Thai girl will move to the ends of the earth to be with them.

Good to hear your views on Thai Visa and very good luck to you with your book.

[Bobsyouruncle]

Why is it that is sounds like it is a baaaaad thing that she gives 1st priority to family (as in kids or her own folks). After all, family is blood. If those were your kids, half of their blood came from you and you are more related to your kids that to your wife. So if I were to choose between my kids and my wife, I would probably choose my kids.

It's a baaaad thing when the wife will put ALL her family's priorities first. He is not even in the equation.

It's a baaaad thing when the Thai wife kicks out the husband when the money runs out.

It's a baaaad thing when the farang husband suddenly decides to stop the money flow and the wife starts acting phsycotic.

It's a baaaad thing when the farang tells the wife he will no longer support her extended family and she kicks him out of his house.

It's a baaaad thing when.....Oh must I go on?

[IanForbes]

I'm not use to write something in this topic. But because i'm writing a book actually i like to answer this topic.

It's depend if a marriage is based on money or on love. A young handsome Farang guy can turn a Thaigirls head away from her family, but only if she has no childern. A old guy will have no chance against the family, because a young girl or wife will stay with him only for the cashflow every month. I'm my self, i'm middle aged. But actually with all the opostunities we foreigners have here in Thailand, i don't see a reason to stay with someone permanently. In USA they say: "It"s cheaper to keep her". Here in Thailand it's, as so manything else, always the opposite way. It's cheaper to not stay in a relationship, just enjoy your life. No headaches, no lost houses, etc. Keep your cash in the bank! Unless you want to take someone permanently overseas. There is only a the solution of marriage. But then again, you have to be very careful who you choice. Remeber if a girl or wive who have kids from their ex husband or boyfriend, and if they living with her parents, the parents always can use the kids as a excuse to ask for some money. I personally not see the reason to rise and support someone elses kids.

I understand what you are saying and I agree with you, stingray. It all depends on whether the Thai woman is truly in love with her boyfriend or spouse. Many marriages are strictly business arrangements between two people. It happens everywhere and not just in Thailand.

In what language are you writing your book? Obviously, English is not your regular language so communicating in English must be difficult when discussing things with Thai people.