Thai Gf Parents Want Money Cos We Are "engaged" - We Are Not

[Moonrakers]

thanks Neeranam...someone who understands what a forum is......

Did you ask your g/f WHY they want money?

Ask her what part of Thai tradition requires a man to pay for a g/f.

Then get back to us with the answer.

I have lived here 15 yrs.

My opinion has changed a lot since I first moved here!

Yours will to!

I'd pay as you go.

I give my girlfriend of 5 years, 6,000 baht pocket money each month.

She gives most of it to her parents.

Which I call rent!

It makes no difference what the culture is.

Or What we think.

Or how they answer your questions!

THIS IS THAILAND!

You have formed a relationship with a poor girl, who's family think of her as a golden goose that your plucking.

They just want there cut.

Negotiate well and pay monthly!

This way you will get your moneys worth!

Don't pay for anything in advance.

Your playing chess , there playing draughts.

You just cant lose if your sensible.

Forget principles, its only about the money!

My advice to guys re Thai girls is-

If she's from a bar-

You only need to ask your self 2 questions-

Am I happy and can I afford her.

If shes not from a bar-

Same 2 questions!

B Lucky

P.P.Pan

I just love the guys who think that their experience MUST be exactly the same as everybody else's experience.

[robblok]

Ill bet you are quite young and i bit pissed off that an old guy can get a woman this way and be happy with it, so what !,.i think hes smart and brave to admit that as there wil be other opinionated twits that wil shout mobile phone rental and the likes, id suggest you leave your western opinions at the airport, the thais dont give a toss so why should we !,.when in rome,, get used to it,.

Its a real accomplishment to buy a girl in Thailand.. i applaud you sir. That is what it is buying a woman. If you think its love.. think again. If you can get a woman to stay with you out of her own free will and pay half the expenses then you have something that is more often then not love.

[Datsun240Z]

Thats why you dont pay a penny, if she is the real deal then there wont be a problem. If you are paying as you go, it's almost like you know the girl will fuc_k off so you are paying for her to stay, it's quite sad really.

Agree, remember that the GF/Wife is always free of choices to go and do whatever she wants, to get that idea working is another part! Mainly the parents have such great influence that this is nearly impossible! Even if they have the oppertunity to move to Europe for instance.

[Datsun240Z]

love and money can't mix in the west.

it's a taboo.

don't get involved with a thai woman if you can't leave your christian indoctrination behind.

Because we have been LEARNED from young age. Hope next generation Thais does it.

[StatlerandWaldorf]

Please do not think that this only happens in Thai Falang relationships, I have known the parents of a girl demand money from a Thai guys family because they made the earth move together (or at least their part of it) just the one time.

Their view was that she is now damaged goods so you have to pay!

[IanForbes]

Reply to Kaosoi,

I was born and raised in Thailand up until I was twenty-one. My mother was born in a small village the size of 500 people in the North East of Thailand. My dad was born and raised in Ayuthtaya. The reason I am able to mention my family background is because when it comes down to Thai culture i am sure i would be able to explain to you in the best way--instead of people who "THINK" they know what they're talking about.

In Thailand you do not "pay" to date the daughter and for some reason you have been told that you have to pay or ask to do it. Say "no" (Back in the day you pretty much have to sit down and have a conversation with your gf with her parents 5 feet away at all times) Now 2-3 hundred years later they would be happy if a guy would even pay for a meal on a date and lucky if their daughter would find the right one who will marry her because in SOME (yes, i said some) of Thai parent's eyes "Men are most likely gonna hit and run"

Before we even get into "why" you have to "pay" for your Thai gf/fiance. I have to get this straight. You're NOT paying to buy her. You're paying to show your respect to her family (after all they were the ones who spend countless hours to raise a fine daughter--you know? the one you want to marry??) and to ensure them that you would be able to look after her for the rest of her life. And for how much? that depends on a lot of different things based of how they raised her, her education etc; and you should respect that as how much you respect their daughter. Again that does not happened during the dating stage. This would happened when they feel that you're both ready to be committed. Normally it would happened after you're engaged and ready to be married ONLY.

If you notice having a big diamond ring is never been written in any Thai traditional wedding. We use Gold, Money, Silver, Rice Etc; as a promise ring and that you will be there for her for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Some part of it will get saved up or put towards a better home for her parents. In case something should happen (she were to get divorced or her spouse passed away) she will have a place to come home too.

(That's what my parents would do anyway, I don't know about other families, so please do share...)

This is one of the many reasons why some families would prefer and believe its a blessing to have a son. Because a son would carry on their good name. Every Thai men will have to get ordained as a monk at least once in their life time for their parents to be pardoned in every wrong doing that they did in their life time until they ascend to heaven. (Making it easy to understand having a son is like having a VIP pass to heaven) and he will be the one who take care of the parents at an old age. But the daughter will get married and will be given to her husband and his family. She will be the one who is taking care of her husband and his needs including his family (if needed)

If this happened during the dating stage. It's because your gf or her parents have heard from their neighbor, or friends, or a friend of a friend who dated a westerner that they have paid for monthly support. (which happens A LOT , part of it is true, but part of it just to brag to their friends. For some reason it has become a trend) which may be why they brought this up upon you.

Now what you need to do is find someone who would be able to help you translate and help you communicate CLEARLY that you're in love with their daughter and you would love to date their daughter until such a time that it is right you will marry her or you just want to date her, take it slow and see what the future will bring. Either/Or you HAVE to make it clear. Otherwise it could be a misunderstanding that could effect the relationship you have with her parents when you decide to marry her.

And for more info. I'm 27 yrs old been happily married for 3 years. My husband has never have to pay a dime to my parents. Maybe a little bit, some put towards gifts on a special occasion like my birthday, or new year. He loves my family and would gladly help them. He would sponsor my sisters sometime in the future. Because we have an understanding that the day we were married we're one. I'm working full time and i don't send my parents money every month because they never asked me too. Every time i called they just want to know if i am doing well and that we work hard in our relationship to love one another unconditionally. I think those are the most important things to all parents no matter what nationality you are.

Wishes you the best Kaosoi,

-Sriprai

What a refreshing, delightful post from an obviously educated young woman. I wish her and her lucky spouse all the best in the future. Unfortunately, very little ever goes as planned over the long haul. All you can do is accept the good and ignore the bad. Enjoy life while you can.

There is no one rule that fits all situations.

[bangla]

love and money can't mix in the west.

it's a taboo.

don't get involved with a thai woman if you can't leave your christian indoctrination behind.

Because we have been LEARNED from young age. Hope next generation Thais does it.

so everything you learn in your culture is good and everything people learn in their culture is bad?

you sound like a fundamental muslim.

[Soutpeel]

Reply to Kaosoi,

I was born and raised in Thailand up until I was twenty-one. My mother was born in a small village the size of 500 people in the North East of Thailand. My dad was born and raised in Ayuthtaya. The reason I am able to mention my family background is because when it comes down to Thai culture i am sure i would be able to explain to you in the best way--instead of people who "THINK" they know what they're talking about.

Khun Sriprai,

This is actually one of the most refreshing posts I have read on TV in a long time discussing aspects of Thai custom and culture, and hope the pseudo-thai's, on TV, actually read exactly what you are saying before they start pontificating about Thai culture...

You may want to tackle one of the other threads on TV over the last few days which deals with the Wai...pretty sure you can put a few of our esteemed members straight...

[mca]

You may want to tackle one of the other threads on TV over the last few days which deals with the Wai...pretty sure you can put a few of our esteemed members straight...

I'd like to see that too. I'm trying to get my wife to sign up here to add her thoughts but she says I spend too much time on the internet as it is.

[zzaa09]

love and money can't mix in the west.

it's a taboo.

don't get involved with a thai woman if you can't leave your christian indoctrination behind.

Because we have been LEARNED from young age. Hope next generation Thais does it.

so everything you learn in your culture is good and everything people learn in their culture is bad?

you sound like a fundamental muslim.

Or a fundamental Christian.....not the most outstanding character.

[Birdman]

Thats why you dont pay a penny, if she is the real deal then there wont be a problem. If you are paying as you go, it's almost like you know the girl will fuc_k off so you are paying for her to stay, it's quite sad really.

Ill bet you are quite young and i bit pissed off that an old guy can get a woman this way and be happy with it, so what !,.i think hes smart and brave to admit that as there wil be other opinionated twits that wil shout mobile phone rental and the likes, id suggest you leave your western opinions at the airport, the thais dont give a toss so why should we !,.when in rome,, get used to it,.

No, you have got that wrong. Nobody is pissed off that an old guy can get a woman. To the contrary: It's quiet ok. Up to you.

But don't expect feelings involved from her side. It's a business agreement.

The sad part is, that some think they are now a part of the family, a good man, who takes care of this and that and this and that, because he assumes that's his obligation. But in reality it's only a cheap trick by them...

Even more sad, if someone like that DIVORCES HIS LONG TIME WIFE BECAUSE HE IS THAT stubborn and helpless superficial.

[Datsun240Z]

love and money can't mix in the west.

it's a taboo.

don't get involved with a thai woman if you can't leave your christian indoctrination behind.

Because we have been LEARNED from young age. Hope next generation Thais does it.

so everything you learn in your culture is good and everything people learn in their culture is bad?

you sound like a fundamental muslim.

No, but logical thinking, says me that most things Thai people think isn't good at all. They are poor for reasons you know . I don't say the people, but the system, is not good in Thailand. I can't change much, and I won't see it happen tough in my life.

[robblok]

love and money can't mix in the west.

it's a taboo.

don't get involved with a thai woman if you can't leave your christian indoctrination behind.

Because we have been LEARNED from young age. Hope next generation Thais does it.

so everything you learn in your culture is good and everything people learn in their culture is bad?

you sound like a fundamental muslim.

Something in my culture are superior to Thai values. I think not buying a gf is one of them. I am atheist so no christian indoctrination here.

I have no problem paying a girl for sex but then accept that she is a ............ and not a girlfriend.

[bangla]

your culture (like mine) is the christian culture with christian values where love has to be free of charge.

but on the other hand try picking up a western girl without wining and dining her or even better.. let her pick up the cheque at the restaurant.

let's see if you will be getting some that way

you problably won't even make it to the getting maaried stage and you will die a virgin.

[scottyd]

I understand what you are saying bangla, and agree somewhat but paying a girl cash money and wining and dining her are two very different things.

Do you think any normal girl would be amused if you gave her money and told her to go wine and dine herself? You have still paid for everything, but it's not the cash that matters when taking a girl out, it's the time spent together and the thoughtfulness. It isn't just for her enjoyment either, it's for mine too. Plus on many occasions my girlfriend has taken me out, not necessarily "wined and dined" but took me to do things that I like doing, like arranged to go see a movie that she heard I liked when it was first released. What is even better, I know she didn't care much for said movie, but when we went out, you would think she enjoyed it better than me!

[HYENA]

This is a rough forum to post such a serious question; there are other forums that may be less abraisive for serious matters. I'm certain there are dozens of readers who have paid the sin sot years ago and are happily married and it all worked out. THey won't be posting over and over of their happiness and glee because misery speaks louder and more often.

In the west we love money. How they see it is if you're willing to part with your loved money then it must be true love (one way to look at it). How to piss a westerner off? Ask for sin sot! THen you'll see what he's made of...if he's serious or just using her as a gf for a few years with no intentions to marry then she'll be a few years older out of her prime with far less options. Serious biz here. It's her future!

I paid 100k and a few ounces of gold and the money was snuck back to me. Yes, Isaan poor "money grubbing...." slid the money back.

No matter what, her family will always be poor so what's 3 thousand bucks? (out of that they paid for some of the wedding, gave the rest back...I slid it right back). It's not that much money! We had a dry wedding and didn't bother with chanting monks to pray all night...just a simple party for immediate family, small band and family made the food.

They never ask for money unless they really NEED it. My in-laws are anything but greedy or money grubbing; they're embarrassed because of their situation. No matter what, I can blow $10 on a pizza, get into my car and drive to my brick and mortar house with a/c, heat, hot water fully enclosed house so a measly 100k bht is nothing if it helps them out, keeps with tradition, etc.

BTW this is her second marriage and he was Thai. He paid 100k as well. SOME Thais don't pay for a second marriage, others do (This is village dependent, I've found). As a matter of fact much of Thai traditions are village dependent. You need to learn Thai and ask friends in your soi.

My in-laws are good, hard working people. Sin sot was the right think to do; the least I could do. It typically is 100k; only higher if it's a HiSo girl but even they are adopting western standards (some are beginning to put parents in nursing homes not support family and crave "individuality and independence" like the west) This culture is steeped in old tradition and has never had a western conqueror. Thais typically only know about Thailand and they haven't a clue except for what friends say but it doesn't mean they're not smart. Asking for sin sot is calling your bluff. The real test is if your gf will take your side for some of it; actually negotiate.

My wife's family also wanted a million and a house; it's almost a joke...of course no normal person can do that. My friend dumped a suitable mate because their family asked for a million and a house. I told him he was an idiot that they're playing with him to see if he's serious (their village always starts at a million and a house then always settles at 100k...been doing it for decades; aunts and uncles all same same).

Before dating any women from a particular culture, it would do well to learn as much of that culture as possible and learn their thinking...what did her friends do when they married? Her sister/brother? That's how you'll know what to do.

There's no spousal support here so if you get divorced, she's out. The gold is for rainy day funds/divorce back on her feet money. The laws here are different so understanding the culture (and reading some books before engaging in a relationship) would be highly suggested. THey don't have a clue about our laws so they only know what's been done for 2000 years. Do research; not jaded stickman or TV but some real sources about Thai tradition so you can better understand where they're coming from away from all the crying stories of who lost what, who was scammed, keep your money, leeches, monkeys, etc. This isn't the forum for serious issues!

We have our traditions (worthless artificially inflated diamonds on 60% cheap gold which makes no sense to them). Want to see what a real diamond is worth? Sell it no reserve on ebay. So...gold is king since it's the only sure thing in the world. She gave a bracelet and necklace to mom and kept the rest for emergency. The gold mom has is also emergency in case we can't help, she'll be able to eat (yes, we're talking that poor...no food poor). And I'm worried about a couple thousand dollars? Stop going out to eat back at home and there's your sin sot!

It all depends on your gf's reaction to their demand (and her mother since this is a matriarchal society regarding money and land). If they ask for a million, smile, laugh and tell them that was a good one. A million has been paid before; who wouldn't want that if it was possible? Lighten up and communicate and your answer will be there. I'd definitely make a move (my opinion); after a year of "dating" people talk and reputations are lost. It's a big deal here.

[Datsun240Z]

Thais typically only know about Thailand and they haven't a clue except for what friends say but it doesn't mean they're not smart. Asking for sin sot is calling your bluff. The real test is if your gf will take your side for some of it; actually negotiate.

The real test is, if she is still your girlfriend if you say no to all, and adopt your western values.

Edited August 4, 2009 by Datsun240Z

[Soutpeel]

your culture (like mine) is the christian culture with christian values where love has to be free of charge.

......Try telling that to the Catholic church....one of the richest "business'" in the world as well the US bible bashers with their private jets, limo's etc, yes they are selling the great Christian value of "Free love"....pigs ar*e

[bangla]

i completely agree with hyena.

i have similar experience with my in laws.

my mil asked me how much sinsot i would give and i told her that was entirely up to my wife.

they agreed to not do the whole dowry thing at first but the family would lose a lot of face so we decide to the 100k + 10 baht gold (+ wedding rings including a nice little diamond.. hey i am farang)

they paid the (huge) party from the sinsot and what was left they gave back to us.

wife's family happy -> my wife happy -> me happy

the gold i have gave her is here in the safe and already doubled in value since we got married

soo...

sinsot != buying a wife.

sinsot != paying for sex

The real test is, if she is still your girlfriend if you say no to all, and adopt your western values. rolleyes.gif

i suggest you look for a western woman

inter cultural marriage is not for you.

[Datsun240Z]

your culture (like mine) is the christian culture with christian values where love has to be free of charge.

......Try telling that to the Catholic church....one of the richest "business'" in the world as well the US bible bashers with their private jets, limo's etc, yes they are selling the great Christian value of "Free love"....pigs ar*e

No, that's the freedom:

- of speech

- to vote

- to play the competition

- where the goverment has not much influence on the business life

- where there is a good social system and security

- do I need to go on?

Everybody is geven the same chances, I could be earning big bucks to here. This offcourse still you have to make it your own, but there are almost no limitations, try to do that in Thailand. Although most 4 seasons western countries are awefull to live in, offcourse I prefer the tropical Thailand and friendly people. Although this also can be found here, If you want to see it.

[Datsun240Z]

i completely agree with hyena.

i have similar experience with my in laws.

my mil asked me how much sinsot i would give and i told her that was entirely up to my wife.

they agreed to not do the whole dowry thing at first but the family would lose a lot of face so we decide to the 100k + 10 baht gold (+ wedding rings including a nice little diamond.. hey i am farang)

they paid the (huge) party from the sinsot and what was left they gave back to us.

wife's family happy -> my wife happy -> me happy

the gold i have gave her is here in the safe and already doubled in value since we got married

soo...

sinsot != buying a wife.

sinsot != paying for sex

The real test is, if she is still your girlfriend if you say no to all, and adopt your western values. rolleyes.gif

i suggest you look for a western woman

inter cultural marriage is not for you.

It is, just have my own opinions and values to. If my GF would come here in NL, I'd build her a Thai house, eat Thai food, isn't that adopting? Do you see me building a dutch style house in Thailand?

[Soutpeel]

No, that's the freedom:

- of speech

- to vote

- to play the competition

- where the goverment has not much influence on the business life

- where there is a good social system and security

- do I need to go on?

Everybody is geven the same chances, I could be earning big bucks to here. This offcourse still you have to make it your own, but there are almost no limitations, try to do that in Thailand. Although most 4 seasons western countries are awefull to live in, offcourse I prefer the tropical Thailand and friendly people. Although this also can be found here, If you want to see it.

Nissan, with all due respect <deleted> are you going on about....??

[bangla]

It is, just have my own opinions and values to. If my GF would come here in NL, I'd build her a Thai house, eat Thai food, isn't that adopting? Do you see me building a dutch style house in Thailand?

dude.. eating thai food isn't adopting to the thai culture.

and why build a house for her in thailand if she lives in holland.

and yeah, building a western style house in thailand is probably a good idea.

but of course you're entitled to your opinions and values but you have to understand that the marriage ceremony isn't for you.

it's for the girl.

how many times have you been wondering what your marriage ceremony would be like, what you would wear, what kinda flowers, seating arrangements.. etc..

probably NEVER

for women on the other hand it's a very important day.

make your girl happy and do the buddhist wedding the right way.

[cyb]

Before i married my wife in early 1979, I was asked to appear before my future wifes parents and discuss my intentions towards their daughter.

My wife had already told them we intended to marry, So the subject was mainly directed at sin sod and where we would live.

The amount i paid to her parents was bht4000, Which after about 18 months was turned back to me.

I refused it and told her parents to do with it as they see fit.

They spent it on extending their home with a private area (sleeping) for us when we stayed with them.

Sin sod is not about buying a wife it's very much more than that.

[robblok]

It is, just have my own opinions and values to. If my GF would come here in NL, I'd build her a Thai house, eat Thai food, isn't that adopting? Do you see me building a dutch style house in Thailand?

dude.. eating thai food isn't adopting to the thai culture.

and why build a house for her in thailand if she lives in holland.

and yeah, building a western style house in thailand is probably a good idea.

but of course you're entitled to your opinions and values but you have to understand that the marriage ceremony isn't for you.

it's for the girl.

how many times have you been wondering what your marriage ceremony would be like, what you would wear, what kinda flowers, seating arrangements.. etc..

probably NEVER

for women on the other hand it's a very important day.

make your girl happy and do the buddhist wedding the right way.

Your saying sinsod != buying a girl

I agree the kind of sinsod where you get the money back is not buying a girl.

Then again the kind where your 60 the girl is 20 and you pay a lot of money and never see it back is buying a girl

Its not all black and white there is a big grey area.

As long as you get it back minus cost for the wedding i don't see it as buying a girl. That is the way sinsod used to be giving some money for face and the party then getting it back in the form of a house and a few buffelos to start your life with the girl. But it has been corrupted into paying money and never seeing any returns.

I married a Thai girl in Thailand and i live with her, sinsod was never payed because i rather payed money for her and me and use it for our house. If i had given it to MIL i would never have seen a cent back i know that for sure. I love my wife and i trust her, but that isnt the case of MIL.

My wife is even getting tired of all the demands for money and the scemes MIL comes up with so i was right at the start. Its just checking out the situation and seeing if you get it back or if your paying for her. Then its up to you to do what you want.

I would never ever PAY for a girl but i can understand that older guys who want a young girl will have to do that. Its their choice but they should not kid themselves its love.

I also want to add that thai culture does not always have to prevail over western culture together you set the limits and decide what to do when. The farang isnt the only one who has to adapt and make compromises, its the same for the Thai girl. Its not that one culture is superior and dominant over the other. This is however a thing between the girl and the guy and nobody elses business.

[Datsun240Z]

It is, just have my own opinions and values to. If my GF would come here in NL, I'd build her a Thai house, eat Thai food, isn't that adopting? Do you see me building a dutch style house in Thailand?

dude.. eating thai food isn't adopting to the thai culture.

and why build a house for her in thailand if she lives in holland.

and yeah, building a western style house in thailand is probably a good idea.

but of course you're entitled to your opinions and values but you have to understand that the marriage ceremony isn't for you.

it's for the girl.

how many times have you been wondering what your marriage ceremony would be like, what you would wear, what kinda flowers, seating arrangements.. etc..

probably NEVER

for women on the other hand it's a very important day.

make your girl happy and do the buddhist wedding the right way.

That's why I wanted her here, to not do all the marriage thingy, but yeah if she wants it, no problem with me. I don't see the importance of it, but I understand why they do.

[Datsun240Z]

It is, just have my own opinions and values to. If my GF would come here in NL, I'd build her a Thai house, eat Thai food, isn't that adopting? Do you see me building a dutch style house in Thailand?

dude.. eating thai food isn't adopting to the thai culture.

and why build a house for her in thailand if she lives in holland.

and yeah, building a western style house in thailand is probably a good idea.

but of course you're entitled to your opinions and values but you have to understand that the marriage ceremony isn't for you.

it's for the girl.

how many times have you been wondering what your marriage ceremony would be like, what you would wear, what kinda flowers, seating arrangements.. etc..

probably NEVER

for women on the other hand it's a very important day.

make your girl happy and do the buddhist wedding the right way.

I married a Thai girl in Thailand and i live with her, sinsod was never payed because i rather payed money for her and me and use it for our house. If i had given it to MIL i would never have seen a cent back i know that for sure. I love my wife and i trust her, but that isnt the case of MIL.

My wife is even getting tired of all the demands for money and the scemes MIL comes up with so i was right at the start. Its just checking out the situation and seeing if you get it back or if your paying for her. Then its up to you to do what you want.

Indeed Rob

[hansnl]

For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here.

For goodness sake, try not to give in to a money grabbing scam.

Dump the girl.

Or tell the parents, and the girl, to wait till you are married, and then you will gladly pay some money every month for the parents, being a good son in law.

[crazzycat]

For goodness sake, try to understand the culture here.

For goodness sake, try not to give in to a money grabbing scam.

Dump the girl.

Or tell the parents, and the girl, to wait till you are married, and then you will gladly pay some money every month for the parents, being a good son in law.

Yuor truth i think that's the right dicision it this complicated situation

[marsteele]

I'd say something to the parents along these lines " if we do decide to get married and make a life together, I'll be more than happy to pay the sinsod, but for now we are seeing if we are compatible". Your gf should also be on your side and telling the parents that this is not a normal thing to ask for a huge amount of money because you are living together. Sounds to me like they want to milk you, but that's just an outside opinion from someone that doesn't know any of the parties involved.

Why be happy to pay sinsod? Not necessary if you find a Thai lady that is truly compatible.

Yes I agree. I have never been asked to pay nor have I paid. My wife's father refuses any kind of handout or finacial assistance.