Shattered Heart

[NikNik]

Hi there,

I'm not sure if this is the right place to spill my soul, but I need some Thai input, I think.

I met my (ex) girlfriend a couple of years ago on a website for travelers. She is Thai and she was coming over to where I live anyway, and we got talking and met up.

After she went back to Thailand we decided to keep the relationship going. We didn't see each other for the first year apart from on webcams, and this was hugely tough. I managed to go over a couple of times in 2008, and then again for around 4 weeks this year.

She told me she wanted to end the relationship nearly 2 weeks ago now, and I'm absolutely gutted. She felt it was because we hadn't been communicating, and that she thought I didn't want her. Because most of our conversations were over messenger, they were all recorded and she said she looked back and realised there was something incompatible between us, and that her feelings had changed. I don't think she's correct when she says incompatible, the problems were more down to the level of communication.

I do admit that over the past couple of months we hadn't spoken that much, and when we did it was just 'ok' alot, but this was due to her normal laptop she uses developing a fault, and also because I've been quite stressed at work, I didn't want to worry her with my work troubles as she is studying for exams at the moment, and these are exams she has failed already.

I'm still the same person she fell in love with, and I need her back in my life. If we had been together physically more often, this wouldn't have happened, and so I think her ending it is a mistake, and that she might be mistaken in her belief that her feelings toward me have changed if she see me in real life. I need to go over and speak to her face to face but she has said she doesn't want me to.

She had said that she doubted the level of my commitment towards her, and that I didn't seem all that excited when she told me she had booked flights over to see me at Christmas. I was excited about her coming over, but more concerned that she would have been bored, as due to some financial stuff I have at the moment, I probably wouldn't have had that much money to take her anywhere here, and let her see more of Scotland than just Edinburgh (although this has probably changed for the better in the past couple of weeks).

She mentioned she had met someone else on another website and had been speaking with them for a couple of months, and had moved in with them only a couple days after she dumped me, but I really don't believe this, as she had told me in the past that even if she came over here to live and we weren't married that she would have to lie to her parents and say we were not living together, and for her parents (mum in particular) to find out not only that she has dumped me, but moved in with someone else is too much for me to believe. I spoke with another of her real life pals on a social network site, and this was the first the pal had heard of any problems we were having, let alone this supposed other guy being around.

She said that she has already moved on, but I don't know how true this is either, as all our pictures of us together are still on her website, and the picture that I can see of her on the website where she supposedly met this other guy is still one of us together.

As I said, I really need some help on how to win her back. Any suggestions of romantic ideas from Thai women reading this will be particularly appreciated.

I am just so devastated by this.

[GuestHouse]

I'd say you should be grateful that she has been up front with you, told you how things are and not carried on leading your hopes up a dead end.

I also suspect you are projecting too much of your own needs/hopes onto her in what has been a distant relationship - That's perhaps something to think about for the future.

Meanwhile - Edinburgh. ... You lucky lad.

Get yourself down the Barrony Bar, sink a couple of jars of Cally 80 and enjoy the blessing of living in one of the finest cities on the planet.

Halfway through the second jar think to yourself..... 'All things come to pass'.

[ozzieovaseas]

Yes mate, GH is right

Go and sink a few and look on the bright side.

I once let my gaurd down sufficiently enough and ended up in a similiar situation.

I know its very hard to see it now..dam_n near impossible if you feel anywhere near as bad as i did...But in time you WILL come to realize that this girl may have done you the best favour she possibly could have.

I will refrain from saying more,but in the meantime maybe you should browse through these pages and look at some of the horror stories..if not the bitterness of people that have fell for a long term sting..

It worked for me anyway..I soon realized how dam_n lucky i was to have only got my heart broken (it heals) instead of having a whole life broken.

good luck mate..might take time but you WILL heal

[neverdie]

I use to hate that, when your heart is breaking and all the people go tell you to head out for a night on the jimmy hiss. PEOPLE, Reality check, alcohol is a depressant .

Anyway, OP, I got around the problem of a broken heart by having it removed.....now nothing upsets me

Goodluck ole mate, try to keep ur chin up, irregardless of however you look at this, theres probably more to it than meets the eye, sadly perhaps the more you dig the worse you will feel. If you can look on the bright side, perhaps, just perhaps this will bring you closer to meeting someone very special.

[Scott]

Hopefully some ladies will be along to give you some feedback.

Best of luck. My thoughts are with you.

[ThailandLovr]

Sorry to hear it didn't work out. Give yourself time to lick your wounds. Pick yourself up and carry on.

[ArthurPewty]

Move on! It matters not one jot if she has met another or not. The fact that she is prepared to put you through the grinder means that she isn't the one for you.

Personally I would return anything you have borrowed delete any shared websites and start a new email adress and delete her number. A. So she can't bother you further. B. To prevent you from dwelling. C. To prevent late night drunken messages. D. Avoid the booze and take yourself off to the races/football/ or some other feel good distraction.

[Mossfinn]

This is the Ladies Forum and yet only men have answered.

Funny that

What is it they say about female perception?

[Benjie]

If she booked a flight over to see you then she is (or was) obviously serious, Decide what you really want out of the relationship, Call her up and tell her how you feel, let her know work is getting you down etc...

One thing I must say is that you must have an overall goal in the relationship, either she moves to be with you or vice versa, else its all a bit pointless and one day one of teh couple wakes up and realises that.

[cognos]

most of us have had their heart broken by their first Thai encounter...please LISTEN ..it WILL pass..the solution for me was wait a bit..and find a NEW ONE..will WILL find a BETTER ONE.. I PROMISE..you will thank yourself BIG TIME in less than 2 months.. Good luck, and keep your chin up !!!!!! PS don't wait long..go see the NEW ONE ASAP

[MiG16]

Ive been requested to give my advice (as the token Thai woman - not that I see this needs answering by only Thai women. everyone is different in what they do in relationships)

but, for what its worth (and please keep in mind Im far from an expert on relationships, in fact if you didnt sound so hurt and upset and I feel more comforting words might help if nothing else, otherwise I would usually run away from such topics!)

anyhow....

1. talk to her

(but first some clarification needed. when did she tell you she was going over? and when did she tell you about the new guy?)

be specific - depending on sequence of above, ask her if she really does have a new guy, or whether shes telling you so because she doesnt think the long distance would work.

if its the latter, let her know how much you are looking forward to having her over, and that you hope the 2 of you will work out some way to be together (but if you cant see that happening, might as well let this rest and move on).

if her answer is that she really has a new guy, then theres nothing else to do. just move on. it may sound simplistic, easier said than done kinda thing. but it really IS the only thing to do.

(personally - I cant see how people can fall in love without truly knowing each other, and a couple of weeks together here and there is not enough time to get to know each other. its enough to be able to see faults in the other person, their quirks and weaknesses, but not enough for you to work out whether you can learn to live with those faults and weaknesses. if you jump into something serious on that basis, it may backfire in the future, when you try to put up with their faults, and realise that no matter how hard you try, you just cant overlook those issues. something like that takes time to work out. perhaps not relevant.......but thats my take on it).

[track61]

..."PEOPLE, Reality check, alcohol is a depressant"...

Not quite, Tequila and Brandy are stimulants, and high quality of either are delicious, especially when chased by some of that awful depressing amber or brown liguid.

[sbk]

I'd take miggies advice if I were you. If there really is another guy, then thats that, isn't it?

If there isn't then you need to consider what kind of relationship you have and what kind of relationship you can have.

Personally, I'd move on. if she says its over then I would accept that fact and move on.

[IanForbes]

I have to agree with sbk. Time to move on. I can't understand why ANYBODY thinks they can carry on a long distance love affair. Unless someone can spend 10 or 11 months of the year in Thailand with their partner/lover then there really isn't much purpose in having a serious relationship. Even then you can have problems. I don't care HOW much in love with a person you are, if the feelings are not mutual then there is nothing you can do about it. When my second marriage ended with the lady I loved dearly, I knew almost from the moment when she stopped caring for me. It lasted for another 4 months and then she moved out one weekend while I was away fishing. Nothing I could have said or done would have brought her back to me.

[rixalex]

I use to hate that, when your heart is breaking and all the people go tell you to head out for a night on the jimmy hiss. PEOPLE, Reality check, alcohol is a depressant .

Ain't that the truth. Broken-hearted people should stay far far away from the grog. In a negative state of mind it just leads to an increased feeling of misery and despair.

Alchohol does many things, but helping you forget all your troubles is not one of them.

[NikNik]

Thanks for the replies, folks.

She hasn't been returning my calls.

I sent flowers on Monday morning, but no response either.

[Mossfinn]

I can't understand why ANYBODY thinks they can carry on a long distance love affair. Unless someone can spend 10 or 11 months of the year in Thailand with their partner/lover then there really isn't much purpose in having a serious relationship.

I have had to edit this twice.

So the shortened version, Ian are you having a giggle, or are you Trolling, or have you been out in the sun too long fishing?

[IanForbes]

I can't understand why ANYBODY thinks they can carry on a long distance love affair. Unless someone can spend 10 or 11 months of the year in Thailand with their partner/lover then there really isn't much purpose in having a serious relationship.

I have had to edit this twice.

So the shortened version, Ian are you having a giggle, or are you Trolling, or have you been out in the sun too long fishing?

What's to edit? I'm not having a giggle and I'm not trolling. And, the sun hasn't been shining here for a couple of weeks.

I clearly stated that long distance love affairs seldom work... unless both partners are insular people who would probably live better alone anyway. The guy's ex-girlfriend needs someone around and not in another country. If he can't spend his time living close to her then there isn't much chance of a good relationship.

From the sounds of things, she can't live near him and he can't move to Thailand on a permanent basis. That pretty much sums it up.

[Mossfinn]

I can't understand why ANYBODY thinks they can carry on a long distance love affair. Unless someone can spend 10 or 11 months of the year in Thailand with their partner/lover then there really isn't much purpose in having a serious relationship.

unless both partners are insular people who would probably live better alone anyway.

OK, I accept you are not Trolling, I'll accept you have not been out in the sun and I understand you are not having a giggle, so options are limited.

But I will not carry this on in this forum, care to put it in General, or my preference Bedlam regarding your two statements above, because you have not isolated them to the OP.

Just like to dig deeper into your reasoning of the statements, that's all

[GrahamF]

I can't understand why ANYBODY thinks they can carry on a long distance love affair. Unless someone can spend 10 or 11 months of the year in Thailand with their partner/lover then there really isn't much purpose in having a serious relationship.

unless both partners are insular people who would probably live better alone anyway.

OK, I accept you are not Trolling, I'll accept you have not been out in the sun and I understand you are not having a giggle, so options are limited.

But I will not carry this on in this forum, care to put it in General, or my preference Bedlam regarding your two statements above, because you have not isolated them to the OP.

Just like to dig deeper into your reasoning of the statements, that's all

I think in general that the type of LDR described by the OP are quite hard to sustain as it seems that they have not spent all that much time together and at least in the womans case she had not really formed a strong bond with the OP. I have seen this sort of thing happen before. On the other hand, I have met established couples who have been together quite some time and then get into a LDR, due to work, etc, and it has worked out.

To the OP, if she is not returning your calls then maybe it is time to move on. Possibly send her an email telling her your feelings and tell her the ball is in her court. Maybe that will give you some closure, I don't know. It's going to hurt for awhile, but as they say, "time heals". Best of luck to you!

[IanForbes]

I can't understand why ANYBODY thinks they can carry on a long distance love affair. Unless someone can spend 10 or 11 months of the year in Thailand with their partner/lover then there really isn't much purpose in having a serious relationship.

unless both partners are insular people who would probably live better alone anyway.

OK, I accept you are not Trolling, I'll accept you have not been out in the sun and I understand you are not having a giggle, so options are limited.

But I will not carry this on in this forum, care to put it in General, or my preference Bedlam regarding your two statements above, because you have not isolated them to the OP.

Just like to dig deeper into your reasoning of the statements, that's all

I STILL don't get your point. What I wrote WAS appropriate to the OP's topic. The OP clearly stated that he was in one country and his hopeful girlfriend was in another (Thailand). They have only spent a very little time together in person and the remainder has been on-line or by messages. In 99.999% of all similar cases that just doesn't work. As GrahamF pointed out, married couples are sometimes forced into a situation where one of the spouses has to stay in another country due to work or family issues, but that ALSO causes problems and dangers in maintaining a viable relationship. And, in situations where it does work out it's usually because both parties are very busy in their own lives and can handle the stress of not being with their spouse.

[NikNik]

Our plan was that after we both got qualifications which were recognised in each others countries, then we would choose a place to settle down.

I know she really wants kids, and has had an ovary removed, and is scared she is getting closer to the age where pregnancy could cause a lot of complications, especially in her case.

Could some confirm what 'เป็นสิว' means, please?

I have tried online translators, but they are not helping.

[eek]

เป็นสิว

I believe it relates to having acne/pimples. That make any sense to you?

[NikNik]

เป็นสิว

I believe it relates to having acne/pimples. That make any sense to you?

That's what I was getting. It doesn't make sense at all.

[sbk]

Cyst

[NikNik]

Cyst

Oh, I know that the problems she had with her ovaries several years ago were to do with cysts.

I hope they haven't come back.

[eek]

^ Oh my. I hope that for her too.

[Sheryl]

She may have polycystic ovaries, which does indeed make it harder to conceive.

To me it seems quite clear that what she wants is marriage and children and that she felt you were not ready for that. Indeed, you may not have had enough time to get to a place of making such a decision. But she feels she cannot wait any longer, perhaps in part becaise of these fertility issues.

I don't see a solution, looks to me that you do indeed need to part ways. Just wanting/needing different things at this point in time.

[NikNik]

I got a text message from her yesterday hinting that she would like to talk after her exam, which is on the 26th, and happens to be the day after mine, so I'll just have to wait until then.

I still love her madly, but I'm really hurt that she hasn't been completely honest with me in her reasons for finishing this, especially in regards to this 'other person'.

I think I just need some closure.

[MiG16]

what is it with people and the word 'closure'

its the second time Im hearing it this week.......

closure is a bit overrated. does the reason really matter if the other person no longer wishes to be with you? the end is the end, regardless of why or how.

Im not speaking specific to your case NikNik, just in general. all the best to you