Australia

[Axel]

Immigration offices and embassies will be closed during Chulalongkorn on 23/10.03. So, you might as well do your homework and prepare for your trip.

These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

* * *

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

* * *

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

* * *

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

* * *

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

* * *

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

* * *

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here & we'll send the rest of the directions.

* * *

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

* * *

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

* * *

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

* * *

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney & is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

* * *

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.(USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

* * *

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[SeaVisionBurma]

The worst thing (or is it the best thing? I forget) is that the above questions were all REAL questions posted by potential tourists looking to visit our wide sunburnt land-down-under.

Makes you wonder, really.

::

[OzzieMan]

Axel

Picking my self up off the foor

You have to give me this web address if it still working

[Nat]

That's brilliant - I can't help myself sometimes and warn tourists to look out for Drop Bears  

I've forgotten the amount of silly things I've been asked about oz. When I was young family & friends from overseas would continually ask whether I ride a kangaroo to school - started telling them I did and his name was Skippy  

[Axel]

Axel

Picking my self up off the foor

You have to give me this web address if it still working

OzzieMan

sorry, it's off the web, believe it was one of the guys who worked there and put it in cyberspace. Still I think it's hilarious and true.

SeaVisionBurma: Keep Australia a secret. Not as cheap as LOS

but....

Whenever I go there I feel welcome. Language barrier is not so big as in LoS and I learned pretty fast what byo means.

Holiday from Europe (or USA) is a problem. People with a job trend to spend 2 weeks (Europeans) summer vacation. Deduct 2 days each way for the airtrip and to overcome the jet lag. Visa for the average tourist is a bit of a problem, unless on package, many incl. myself, are too lazy to fill in all the forms and queue for an hour or two at the embassy.

Have a nice dye mites

[SeaVisionBurma]

Keep Australia a secret.

Awww, Axel - I think the cat has already been let out of the bag    (= NOT A SECRET ANYMORE, for our non-English-familiar friends)

Australia Travel Queries

That's one of but many pages which ended up adopting the original questions.

I wonder how we really do sound when talking to English speakers from other nations?

And Axel - Good to see you have learnt one of the cultural necessities of social interaction and visitation rites in the Land Down Under....

...BYO...

God bless cask wine.

[phazey]

Is there a Doctor in the house, i need help sewing my side back up

nice one.

./P

[Pink Mist]

Dont laugh about drop bears used to be scared shitless of them when I was a kid. Allways good fun when you have newbie camper with you, gives them a new phobia to go with the spiders, snakes etc.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Here I am Phazey...just wait until stability is regained lest my sewing isn't up to par.                I loved it Axel

[Guest IT Manager]

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

The alternative for urine is of course vegemite, smeared liberally all over especially the pen*s and scrot*m.

It only works for people who are not Australian and vegemite is availablke in 7-11 stores in handy tubes for bushwa*kers from A-mer-i-ca etc.

The list has been around for years, but I did actually work in a camera store in Sydney in the late 70's, in the shopping centre under Australia Square, (Georges Cameras).

One evening an American walked in with a beautiful camera he had no idea how to use, (bought duty free on his way in). Wanted a lesson, which I gave him, and some film which I sold him.

He then asked the way to Pitt Street because a Steward on his in-bound QANTAS flight had said that was definitely the street to go looking for large red kangaroos.

Takes all kinds... Good post though, haven't seen the list in years.

And that my dears, is fair fuc*ing dinkum

[dr_Pat_Pong]

You aren't 'avin a lend of us are ya IT ?

[Guest IT Manager]

Nope.. no sh*t Doctor.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Good on yer sport...no wuckin' furries      Yer blood's worth bottlin' digger     ???

[Guest IT Manager]

"cringe"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Hey IT don't come the raw prawn here.    

[Guest IT Manager]

<font color='#000000'>Is it possible to set ignore on some postings?  ???      :cool:  </font>

Not yours doc, fer crissakes mate

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Ignore it is.