Where Do You Think You Stand In The Family Pecking Order

[cognos]

As a partner, you are down on the list.

Family is first.

nothing new.

Seems this thread will not last long,Steven has got it in one. Some will not choose to believe that they are a poor second but thats the God honest truth,take it or leave it.

..and some are a rich second, with a first hand wife.. signed: one of millions of farang on TV (with a conservative, educated thai chinese wife from a good, non drinking ( except for the black sheep) upper middle class family in the south, ahem

[cognos]

I agree with transam "Marry a Thai, marry the family" thai family first no matter what you got or how good you are.

...but i don't sleep with her 6 sisters, not that there's anything wrong with that

[WinnieTheKhwai]

"made her children "wai" me when they came home everyday from school. If they hadn't she would have kicked their a**. She made it clear to them that I was the one paying for their education"

So what does that tell you?

That you enjoy putting random words in bold type?

To answer the original question for myself: I'm definitely number 1. If anything I end up having to broker peace between the Mrs and her family.

(I may be number two after our daughter though, but not sure I mind. )

Overall I don't think there's anything particularly Thai about this topic; in any good marriage, the husband and wife are first for each other. In any 'other' kind of marriage, maybe not so. If anyone feel's they're not first, that should give them some cause for reflection on their life / married life.

Edited December 28, 2009 by WinnieTheKhwai

[MsClueless]

is it only for Thais?

i know a guy, farang, who told me I will not be number one in his life. it will be his daughter. hard to take, but is the truth no?

on other hand - in your own family, you love them all, but sometime someone is more important. does not mean you dont love the other. and sometime you cant choose one over other.

I also know someone, both son and wife in danger. he had to choose (yes in real life, not a movie) - he helped his son. not because he not want to help his wife. but at that time, he could help only one.

you can only hope you dont have to make those choices. it will never be easy.

my belief is - enjoy your family, blood or marriage, enjoy the love you share for each other. everyday.

[carmine]

Has anyone on this thread ever heard of the saying "blood is thicker than water?"

[lazygourmet]

Where have you been? I Thailand, the parents are first, then brother and sister and sometime extended family then the husband especially true if the husband is Frang

And what about yourself? From where are you coming from... and who did you met -and hang with- ?

My in laws are thinking the same that I: "You can choose your friend/partner/wife/husband... or whatever ; but you cannot choose their families"!

Just a matter of education and social level... I presume (actually, I am sure!)

[sanook2me]

This discussion is only Thai related because? Its written on Thai forum / postings made by Thais and Westerners and partners to Thais.

This question can be asked to any wife / husband from any race/creed or colour and i will make the massive assumption that the majority of answers would be..

1) Parents

1) Children

2) Partner

2) Siblings

3) Blood Family members

4) Extended family, pets etc...

Its very difficult to classify this question as its quite subjective to individual people their families and the exact meaning of the question but majority of answers would be similar to mine above. IMHO.

I think with my Thai wife and personally I would expect it that I am below her mom, brother and shoved somewhere between the rest of the family.

This is my thinking as this is where i pidgeon hole her in importance in my family... below grandmother / mother / sisters and she is tied with my nieces and nephews depends on what the question or situation is called.

Resuce from death? very tough call

Listening for advice? easy peasy..the old matriarch of course..then do my own thing anyway

Unless your partner has no family i cannot imagine how any partner can imagine they are number 1 when compared to parents..very self dissillusional but there will be some situations that are different...(wife beating dad.....sexually abusing parents etc) but a tiny percent.

[Roadman]

I am No 1 to my wife and she to me as it was from the day we decided to commit to each other. The trials of our life together have shown that time and time again. Hence I do not accept that Thai or Asian family comes before a marriage just the same as my western family does not. Her birth daughter (my step daughter but to her I am dad) fits in there somewhere as our loved and cherished daughter with no ranking considered, given or expected. Our family unit of three ranks jointly for us both as our first priority.

If I considered myself second to any other of my wife's family then I would not be in or have never commited to our marriage. I would have kept moving on as I did to the stage of meeting my wife to find an intelligent mature Thai woman who rated marriage as highly as I. To accept anything else at my stage of life because that is the Thai or Asian way would be an insult to my beliefs and expectations, and an absolute cop out not only to myself but to the institue of marriage as I as a westerner and my Isaan wife both were brought up to understand.

[bkkjames]

Easy for me...

[Roadman]

I am No 1 to my wife and she to me as it was from the day we decided to commit to each other. The trials of our life together have shown that time and time again. Hence I do not accept that Thai or Asian family comes before a marriage just the same as my western family does not. Her birth daughter (my step daughter but to her I am dad) fits in there somewhere as our loved and cherished daughter with no ranking considered, given or expected. Our family unit of three ranks jointly for us both as our first priority.

If I considered myself second to any other of my wife's family then I would not be in or have never commited to our marriage. I would have kept moving on as I did to the stage of meeting my wife to find an intelligent mature Thai woman who rated marriage as highly as I. To accept anything else at my stage of life because that is the Thai or Asian way would be an insult to my beliefs and expectations, and an absolute cop out not only to myself but to the institue of marriage as I as a westerner and my Isaan wife both were brought up to understand.

Perhaps you are confusing you are no.1 in your wife's heart with being no.1 in body and soul. My wife has explained to me. l am not Thai and to understand the Thai way of thinking will be difficult for me regarding family, regardless of our thoughts for one another, and as a previous post said, blood is thicker than water, especially in Thailand. Me, l have no problem with that, to be applauded, the bond between their own. Of course, your wife's family could be the exception to the rule, if so you are lucky.

And like hey presto you said it with "the exception to the rule". And I was not even fishing. It's what I find quaint, or is it strange, in that all Thai's have to conform to "Thai" fitted neatly into their little perceived Thai square. This article is a classic example where there have been que's of people lining up to inform us all strongly that this is how it is. I disagree strongly, but then I do when it comes to most discussions where Thai's are expected generically to fit into a western (sometimes partial thai fed) perception.

Am I lucky? I could be but I would suggest that from what I see with the thai/falang marriages that I am around that yes there are a few where the husband sits down there, as some put it fighting off the dog, but there are just as many if not more where the partner in the relationship generally with children included comes first before any of the partner's parents, thai or western. Perhaps some of the things, that are common in the partners come first relationships is the existing longevity or intended committment to ensure longevity of that relationship, and where children exist contently within that family unit.

Perhaps it could also be that an increasing number of thai's seek western family independance via their western partner rather than the full expectation of thai interdependance. And not suggesting here that thai's will desert their parents well being where help is needed.

But whatever the driver is I think that there are enough of us out here that we are more than exceptions.

[whichschool]

.......Farang think too much when it comes to this kind of talk.

Oh dear, another one who has gone "native" and now quotes the same excuse Thais use when they don't want to admit that they are or could even possibly be wrong. I am English, a westerner perhaps but never a "farang". They may call me a farang but I will never admit to being one nor use the derogatory term myself.

Ive never eat Thai food, i dont have a Thai gf, wife or gik, i dont speak the language, only socialise with fellow white males, i read English newspapers daily and watch English football, cant drink their abysmal beer and even fly anyone but Thai Air so nope ive not gone native just yet.

But for the easily offended amongst us i will write i clearer, Why the <deleted> do Western males give a sh7t about such an issue of where you rank in a family, if youre not bottom of the pile that means someone else will have to be, would that massage your ego enough.

With regards the word farang, unless it is said in a derogatory way then you an be rest assured theyre not trying to hurt your feelings.

[canuckamuck]

such a dumb saying. "blood is thicker than water"

Vegetable oil is thicker than blood, what does that prove?

and what does water represent?

[whichschool]

.......Farang think too much when it comes to this kind of talk.

Oh dear, another one who has gone "native" and now quotes the same excuse Thais use when they don't want to admit that they are or could even possibly be wrong. I am English, a westerner perhaps but never a "farang". They may call me a farang but I will never admit to being one nor use the derogatory term myself.

Correct

He was actually not correct as i was refering to others not myself when i used the word FARANG, as id made it clear in this and a prior post i couldnt give a <deleted> where i rank amongst Thais or anyone for that matter, hence i was expressing my thoughts so it would be impossible for them to be incorrect, as at the moment of writing that they were defiinitely my correct thoughts.

[oshoshitzu]

To those whose Thai wife rates them low in their family ranking, do the same to your wife and see what happens

Edited December 28, 2009 by oshoshitzu

[Brunus]

To those whose Thai wife rates them low in their family ranking, do the same to your wife and see what happens

Good point

[kikoman]

I guess I got some criticisim from people on this thread...but I am not unhappy with my "standing" in my family.

My Thai wife's children love and respect me...and they call me Daddy...even though they are all over 25 years old now.

My Thai wife, 30 years ago, when we first met, made her children "wai" me when they came home everyday from school. If they hadn't she would have kicked their a**. She made it clear to them that I was the one paying for their education and who kept them fed.

My family does love me...I've had them say so many times. I've no problems with any of them. My children have said to me many times how much they respect and loved me. I have a good relationship with all of them, I treat them as though they were my children. And they respond to that.

But the point I wanted to make is that my wife's children are her close biological family. After all, she carried all of them for 9 months, didn't she. The grand daughter is the "future" of her family, also. Naturally, she loves them.

Like somebody else said on this thread....we are a family, and we all love and respect each other.

"made her children "wai" me when they came home everyday from school. If they hadn't she would have kicked their a**. She made it clear to them that I was the one paying for their education"

So what does that tell you?

It tells me that the poster and his wife are working together on creating their own positive family environment, I live in the same situation. I have two daughters that love me, and also call me daddy, they call their biological father Paw and love him also, my daughters as well as any other visitors to my house always comes to me and wai me, it is showing respect.

What is the difference between a Thai Family among any other families in the world?

It also shows me that many married farangs have an inferiority complex, they let the wrong head make the choice of who they married. Now they are living with the consequences of their actions.

You are only taken advantage of ,If you Allow it.

Cheers:

[oshoshitzu]

To those whose Thai wife rates them low in their family ranking, do the same to your wife and see what happens

Don't think you understand what we are talking about.

I do

[Birdman]

If the wife rates the husband lower than someone else, there is something wrong for sure!

Edited December 28, 2009 by Birdman

[Jimmycrackcorn]

I am not sure I understand what is meant by rank.

If you mean who does she listen to, then I would say probably whoever she spoke to last.

But in terms of loyalty, I would say it is neck and neck between her mom, her sister and I (depends on the moon I think)

Her brother and father aren't even on the radar scale.

However if my parents make any suggestion, they definitely outrank all others.

My wife adores my folks and vice versa.

Every Thai ranks themselves against others, that why they ask you how old you are, what is your profession etc. If you are unaware of this (If you live in Thailand you should know) the book "Culture Shock Thailand' may be well worth reading.

Maybe try reading Thailand Fever

Edited December 29, 2009 by Jimmycrackcorn

[Jimmycrackcorn]

I am not sure I understand what is meant by rank.

If you mean who does she listen to, then I would say probably whoever she spoke to last.

But in terms of loyalty, I would say it is neck and neck between her mom, her sister and I (depends on the moon I think)

Her brother and father aren't even on the radar scale.

However if my parents make any suggestion, they definitely outrank all others.

My wife adores my folks and vice versa.

Every Thai ranks themselves against others, that why they ask you how old you are, what is your profession etc. If you are unaware of this (If you live in Thailand you should know) the book "Culture Shock Thailand' may be well worth reading.

Maybe try reading Thailand Fever

[thaimate]

If the wife rates the husband lower than someone else, there is something wrong for sure!

To true,to listen to some of the guys on here ,they sound like a bunch of losers(which i am sure they arnt) but i and i am sure many on here are in normal loving relationships with nice familys, unfortunatly many marry a 20 something bargirl without really knowing her or her familly only to find out that they are just the "cash cow" ,if that happens what can you expect.

[richieudon]

Look on the flip side

If you marry a girl, any girl, not just a Thai girl, where does she "Rank?"

I was married to an English girl and all though we loved each other I'm pretty sure our families came 1st.

If I needed, for instance, to be in 2 places at once (Mum or wife) I'd probably be more respectful of my mothers needs.

I'm also pretty sure a wife would speak about her husband to her mother if she needed to get something off her chest.

I think this is normal to love you family....

[britadders28]

Doormat, dog, atm,

Around about there i would think!

To all you with your rose tinted views and young thai wives, wake up and smell the coffee.

[britadders28]

I agree with transam "Marry a Thai, marry the family" thai family first no matter what you got or how good you are.

Or however bad her family is they still put them first!!!

[siggie2]

would you say your married partner rates you first as husband or wife, or do they rate there own parents relatives first

over there married partner

You could ask a hundred different people and get at least 50 different answers. I think it all depends on the couple. And, I DO believe it changes over time. People get married for many different reasons and no two are exactly alike. Poor women are more likely to marry more wealthy foreigners for financial reasons. Young couples of similar ages might truly be in love. And, they might actually STAY in love for a long time. I know many happily married former bar girls, and their husbands know exactly what the women were working at before they married.

But, there ARE differences in the Thai culture from cultures in the west. Thais as a whole are far more family oriented and younger Thais are EXPECTED to look after their parents when they get old. The only time that scenerio really confuses me is when parents have actually SOLD their daughters into sexual slavery and the girls don't run away when given the opportunity. For some strange reason the young women still feel they have a responsibility to their parents who sold them in the first place.

Where are these girls actualy sold,and how much do their mums and dads get,not heard that before.Does the thai government know that families are selling their daughters,also do they sell the sons too????

[canuckamuck]

would you say your married partner rates you first as husband or wife, or do they rate there own parents relatives first

over there married partner

You could ask a hundred different people and get at least 50 different answers. I think it all depends on the couple. And, I DO believe it changes over time. People get married for many different reasons and no two are exactly alike. Poor women are more likely to marry more wealthy foreigners for financial reasons. Young couples of similar ages might truly be in love. And, they might actually STAY in love for a long time. I know many happily married former bar girls, and their husbands know exactly what the women were working at before they married.

But, there ARE differences in the Thai culture from cultures in the west. Thais as a whole are far more family oriented and younger Thais are EXPECTED to look after their parents when they get old. The only time that scenerio really confuses me is when parents have actually SOLD their daughters into sexual slavery and the girls don't run away when given the opportunity. For some strange reason the young women still feel they have a responsibility to their parents who sold them in the first place.

Where are these girls actualy sold,and how much do their mums and dads get,not heard that before.Does the thai government know that families are selling their daughters,also do they sell the sons too????

It happens Siggie

[Crossy]

Mum in Law's "pet" geese know exactly where I stand in the pecking order, they don't bother anyone else, but I'm obviously a tasty morsel. Amazing how hard something without teeth can nip

They do however lay rather tasty eggs