Am I Just The Typical Stupid Farang?

[a2396]

But shes not drunk regularly, hel_l we went through weeks on end without drinking. You guys don't understand, she isnt a party girl, yes she liked to go dancing every once in a while, but so do we all.

Shes an amazing cook, she regularly made the best tom yam goom I had anywhere. She took care of everything, dishes, washing, heck even my own personal hygiene. She is everything I could hope for. The way she talked about having kids, and taking care of everyone. you dont know her. I will not have her being drawn into the dirt here, no matter what she has done to my heart. Judging from your replies, shes a better girl than most of you woudl ever desirve.

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

The only thing to figure out is that money was apparently number one with her, unless there was something else she did not like about you. It would be nice if she would explain her reasons to you, but such is generally not their style.

[a2396]

But shes not drunk regularly, hel_l we went through weeks on end without drinking. You guys don't understand, she isnt a party girl, yes she liked to go dancing every once in a while, but so do we all.

Shes an amazing cook, she regularly made the best tom yam goom I had anywhere. She took care of everything, dishes, washing, heck even my own personal hygiene. She is everything I could hope for. The way she talked about having kids, and taking care of everyone. you dont know her. I will not have her being drawn into the dirt here, no matter what she has done to my heart. Judging from your replies, shes a better girl than most of you woudl ever desirve.

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

The only thing to figure out is that money was apparently number one with her, unless there was something else she did not like about you. It would be nice if she would explain her reasons to you, but such is generally not their style.

[NanLaew]

But shes not drunk regularly, hel_l we went through weeks on end without drinking. You guys don't understand, she isnt a party girl, yes she liked to go dancing every once in a while, but so do we all.

Shes an amazing cook, she regularly made the best tom yam goom I had anywhere. She took care of everything, dishes, washing, heck even my own personal hygiene. She is everything I could hope for. The way she talked about having kids, and taking care of everyone. you dont know her. I will not have her being drawn into the dirt here, no matter what she has done to my heart. Judging from your replies, shes a better girl than most of you woudl ever desirve.

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

OK, now you are being childish; making excuses for her behaviour whilst making none for your own. Talking up all these wonderful attributes that most other women have. So she was special and she broke your heart. Nobody is telling you to go with a hooker (although it allegedly helps some get over heartache). It's over, so pull your head in before some of the more cynical and ruthless members wake up, have their coffee and tear you a new arsehol_e.

[Petesear]

You are right Coronadian, we don't know the girl in question but you must expect negative comments about how all Thai girls are out to fleece westerners from the ones who have been fleeced!

[moe666]

Always remember in Thailand, you donot lose your girlfriend just your place in line.

Go back to Thailand and live life your to young to be getting hung up on one girl. look around and you will find another nice girl, look for one with a good job, not a hooker.

these girls have a lot of pressure to help the family and it can be very stressful on them. On one trip my girlfriend is talking on the phone and I can tell she is pissed after she hangs up I ask whats up. All she says is money, money don't these people realize I have a family to take care of. It was her kid sister asking for money when she had been given a couple of thousand baht a week earlier.

It's hard to get the full story, they will not talk about it that much.

Go back have a good time life is to short wondering why, who knows and who cares.

[Dustybin]

Me to.

I was with my g/f 3 years and for first 12 months gave 10K a month, and after 15K a month for 2 years.

Also the usual 30K here and there for things etc.I went out to see her 2/3 times a year.

But I didnt mind she said she loved me same she loved mama and papa,I was true to her all this time.

6 months in I gave 50K for her fathers operation, and mentioned I couldnt give such amounts every time.

After 3 years I discovered she had several other b/f and was even working Lucifers.

When I asked why she said when I said I couldn't give such amounts everytime it scared her.

After that the aussie she was seeing for 2 and 1/2 years proposed to her and she is now out there with him.

Thats when I realised where the chlymidia came from.

It was tough but better to find out.Not like the aussie guy.

It could have been me !!!

[TheJoker12]

So the OP asks "Am I just a typical stupid farang" and anyone who tells him that he is, should be ignored and must be on yaba?

This kid really is totally delusional. She randomly goes out drinking without telling you and doesn't come home even on your birthday. What were you, sitting there at the kitchen table wearing an apron holding onto the cake you baked yourself looking at the door and holding the phone hoping that this time she would call?

[louialive]

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

The only way you are going to figure this out is with the other person involved. If it is so important to you email her and ask, but dont ask everything at once, ask her one thing at a time, that way she is likely to feel more comfortable in opening up.

Just to confirm in my post I was not suggesting you going with some random hooker.

Remember time is a great healer

[sokal]

But shes not drunk regularly, hel_l we went through weeks on end without drinking. You guys don't understand, she isnt a party girl, yes she liked to go dancing every once in a while, but so do we all.

Shes an amazing cook, she regularly made the best tom yam goom I had anywhere. She took care of everything, dishes, washing, heck even my own personal hygiene. She is everything I could hope for. The way she talked about having kids, and taking care of everyone. you dont know her. I will not have her being drawn into the dirt here, no matter what she has done to my heart. Judging from your replies, shes a better girl than most of you woudl ever desirve.

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

If you really like her that much then just lay low for a little while. She might realize that she screwed up and she might want you back, and she might be more committing the second time around. Personally I would have literally told her to F off if she was getting drunk and staying over night. That is un acceptable in my books.

[TheJoker12]

I think someone got to her after I left.

Many they already got to her those nights she never came home.

The guy is down enough don't kick him in the nuts as well.

Its called tough love. Id do the same to my brother, son, or best friend. If you placate him and fill his head with BS about cultural differences and excuses and he'll go out and find the exact same girl again.

[johndpoole]

She probably doesn't have a new boyfriend now. She just needed to get over you and have you stop calling. Most Thai women think Farangs are all rich ... and by Thai standards most are.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A WOMEN WANTING FINANCIAL SECURITY?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH A WOMEN BEING ATTRACTED TO A SUCCESSFUL MAN?

You losers who constantly see all Thai girls as money hungry whores need to grow up and get some self-esteem.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting a GF or wife that doesn't need to be supported financially or who feels they should contribute very little financially to her or her family ... absolutely nothing wrong with this BUT you are truly a loser if you want to see the girl (in a poor country with little opportunity to make money legally for females) as some evil creature because she wants a man who will take care of her and her parents who raised her.

Relationships don't always work out and I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Sadly many Thai women are shy and have problems expressing their needs BUT she did tell you what she needed and either you didn't listen or care or you couldn't afford to take care of her and her family the way she hoped. If it is a matter of not having the funds then it still may have worked but lying is not uncommon (especially in Thai culture to avoid conflict) and she probably felt you had the money but just didn't think she or her family were worth spending it on.

Consider your GF was also probably VERY embarrassed having a farang BF and having to work for what was no more than 200 bhat a day.

This by ALL means doesn't sound like a situation where she was after your money. Thailand may have cheap rent for a crummy apartment but sending her 10k Bhatt or about $300 US ... how long were you gone? Was she supposed to live on 10k for a month or more? You left her when she had no job ... how scary that must have been for her.

Maybe I am wrong but folks who are unable to step into somebody else's shoes to think of their feelings are clearly self-centered folks.

My gut tells me you could easily get this women back if you can commit to take care of her financially. And offer the parents some funds to not just help them but help make her proud and show her parents she is well and has a good BF who will take care of her. By the way ... do you know the Thai culture and what is expected if you married her in terms of paying off the parents?

You should also ask yourself what did she do for you during this relationship? Who cleaned? Who brought you food and drink? Who took care of you? What did she do to take care of you? Or maybe don't think about this and be like others who post and believe a Thai GF should wait on them hand and foot but have no reward and be forced to sell food on the street to have a few bucks in their pocket and feel even the slightest bit of security financially if you were to leave her as you kind of did a few times.

Even if she was out selling sexual services those nights she was out ... why did she stay with you? Maybe she wanted the money to save face and not look like a complete idiot for being with a "rich" farang but being more poor (in terms of money in her pocket) then she was before she met you.

It is very easy for a Thai girl to be poor and she doesn't need a Farang BF to remain poor. How can she feel secure and loved by a man who is able to travel the globe but can only afford to give her $330 to live on and pay all the bills when he heads off on international flights???

Please don't take my post wrong as I really do feel for your situation and feelings and highly respect your coming to this board to get advice and answers but WE are all a bunch of dumb farangs here too for the most part and my frustration is directed at some of the responses --- not your original post. I am also concerned that you will become like many of these losers here who have predetermined notions of all Thai girls based on a bad relationship or two or three or even four. Since when does every relationship work in any country? Oh but then again maybe that is why they left their homeland and thought finding some poor girl in Thailand would be the answer because she would have to worship them and take a few left over crumbs and be happy even though she might be 20-years younger.

You are in your 20's and sounds like she may be young 20s. How many healthy 20 year old girls in any country don't want to go out and have fun? Have nice cloths? Have money to spend? You sound like you want to settle down and she might want to too but she also wants to have fun before she gets old and if she is going to settle down, she wants to do it with a man she knows will take care of her financially and that she will not one day be left with nothing if you leave. Consider if she takes care of her parents a bit now too that she will have them to turn to if you did leave her.

Bottom line is you are both young, from different cultures, have communication problems and often are forced to be seperated ... this is were the problems are coming from.

And I kind of am missing something about you going to Loas when you come back ... Even most poor Thai girls will prefer to be poor in Thailand and not Loas.

[NanLaew]

Its called tough love. Id do the same to my brother, son, or best friend. If you placate him and fill his head with BS about cultural differences and excuses and he'll go out and find the exact same girl again.

And to date, how many of this type have you repeatedly found? Sounds like a fair few already.

[Tokay]

I'm not going to blow smoke up your arse.

Maybe she liked you at one point, but if you didn't take care of mom, you blew it. With that said, is that the type of foundation you want to build a relationship on? Money?

Too many guys do that here and in most cases, they fail.

She's out drinking with her friends, party dress, can't hold a job, not coming home on more than one occasion... come on man, use your head and follow your gut. You asked here because you know it's messed up and it doesn't feel right. Follow your gut. Cut her loose. Consider yourself lucky. Move on.

Next time look for the signals and walk the first time you see them.

[johndpoole]

So the OP asks "Am I just a typical stupid farang" and anyone who tells him that he is, should be ignored and must be on yaba?

This kid really is totally delusional. She randomly goes out drinking without telling you and doesn't come home even on your birthday. What were you, sitting there at the kitchen table wearing an apron holding onto the cake you baked yourself looking at the door and holding the phone hoping that this time she would call?

I would agree except for the fact there is always two sides to a story and we are only hearing one person's view who clearly has shown he knows little of what was going on in this girl's head. He doesn't strike me as somebody who would put up with this behavior and get the feeling he may be leaving something out.

These are young people and who knows what is going on in this girls head. For all we know she was depressed because she wanted to by him something for his birthday but could find anything she felt expressed her love for the 30 bhat she had left over after working 10 hours a day hawking food on some little Soi.

I am not in anyway calling the poster a liar and don't think he is but I believe he has conveniently left out details. Did she really just go out one day to go to work or the 7-11 and end up in Issan without taking any possessions from the apartment? Maybe she did but again ... even though the poster is in his 20's and sounds pretty sprung (head over heals in love) ... I just don't by he would put up with this based on other comments and his ability to refuse to give into her other wants.

[johndpoole]

I'm not going to blow smoke up your arse.

Maybe she liked you at one point, but if you didn't take care of mom, you blew it. With that said, is that the type of foundation you want to build a relationship on? Money?

Too many guys do that here and in most cases, they fail.

She's out drinking with her friends, party dress, can't hold a job, not coming home on more than one occasion... come on man, use your head and follow your gut. You asked here because you know it's messed up and it doesn't feel right. Follow your gut. Cut her loose. Consider yourself lucky. Move on.

Next time look for the signals and walk the first time you see them.

Can't hold a job????????????????????

The poster said she had a (crappy) job when they met but quit because of him. She then had ONE job she didn't like and left soon after taking it. Then went on to work long hours selling food on the street.

Who knows what happened at the coffee shop and what abuse she may have taken since it sounds like it was a better experience to work outside in the hottest city in the world inhaling exhaust fumes over a hot BBQ then working inside in an air conditioned coffer shop.

But yes what a loser that cannot hold on to a job.

I would like to see a Farang step into one of these Thai girls shoes who grew up dirt poor, likely with no running water and electricity and possibly having to leave school early to help her parents make money out in the rice fields and certainly no options for a college education .... then to get some kind of meaningful job that pays enough for her to take care of herself.

Girls who leave Issan and come to BKK do it because they want financially opportunity that doesn't exists there. Be it to take care of themselves or their parents.

If you want to find a girl (or man) in any country that doesn't care about money or getting ahead then I am sure you can but you are better off looking in Issan or the poor parts of the country. Just look for the girl who is malnurished, living on the street and has numerous health problems and is smiling through her rotting teeth. Then you will have your perfect girl.

[johndpoole]

But shes not drunk regularly, hel_l we went through weeks on end without drinking. You guys don't understand, she isnt a party girl, yes she liked to go dancing every once in a while, but so do we all.

Shes an amazing cook, she regularly made the best tom yam goom I had anywhere. She took care of everything, dishes, washing, heck even my own personal hygiene. She is everything I could hope for. The way she talked about having kids, and taking care of everyone. you dont know her. I will not have her being drawn into the dirt here, no matter what she has done to my heart. Judging from your replies, shes a better girl than most of you woudl ever desirve.

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be. I just want to figure this out.

RIGHT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just remember you are young. IF you were older and looking to settle down I would have advice for you but I don't know you or her that well to know if you want to settle down now or have got all the partying out of your system.

If you both want and are ready to settle down then .... Let her know you will not be selfish about money and that you consider the money you make to be hers just as much as yours. Sounds like she takes care of you very well and likely takes care of everything she can in the relationship while your position in the relationship is to bring in money.

Since you are young then maybe you don't have the money now to truly provide for her but I "think" she would be okay with this if you explained this and your plans for the future to become more successful.

You are asking her to take a big risk on you. You may have to leave her and the country at any moment and leave her with nothing. The least you can do is risk losing money.

Be honest with her about money. Show her how much you make and your bank statements. You have to understand that she thinks you are rich. You are both a farang and an international traveler. And I have little doubt you do have more money then you have let her on to believe because you are scared.

You can also talk to her about going to school if she wants to work. Maybe you can send her to some sort of trade type school for beauty or something. But realize even in Thailand these jobs pay very little and that even with a college degree it is VERY VERY VERY hard for a female Thai to get any kind of worthwhile job.

She needs to feel good about herself and it sounds like she does everything she can to take care of you but she is not feeling like she is getting much in return ... she can't even send a few bucks to her parents.

There are cultural differences and Thais are a bit more direct about money but think of being in your own country and what a typical girl would need and want there .... and if that girl would take care of you the way this girl does.

I am sure you hate to hear this but you are young and having relationships that don't work is part of life and so is getting your heart broken (multiple times). However, you sound like a good guy and am sure, even if she doesn't end up being the one, that you will eventually find your soul-mate.

Even if you are not ready to settle down ... somehow let her know she will be okay if you leave her and that she will not be left worse off and with nothing if you leave. Also, go have some fun with her and go to the disco with her. Maybe it is not your seen but most all girls love to go out and show off their BF and a new dress....

Good Luck!!

[johndpoole]

How is it that Thai women are so genetically different but all you westerners are still either here in Thailand going after them or still obsessed enough with them to be posting in this thread and subscribing to this board?

According to many here the majority of Thai women only care about fleecing men and not about feeling secure or wanting to feel loved. That they are incapable of hating what some of them do to themselves to be able to make a enough money to take care of themselves and possibly a child from some Thai man who walked out on them.

How do you consider only your views of them and not how many westerners and Thai men have made them feel about themselves. You talk about them but their stereotype of most westerners being a walking hard-on with the words ATM tattooed on their forehead is much more accurate. Oh, but I guess it was them who created this stereotype.

[Ulysses G.]

Stop with the nonsense about grey areas.

Thais I know would never make excuses for this girl and her actions.

Yes, you are just another typical stupid farang whose squeeze is out there getting tossed around by half the town.

Put her photo up, lets see how many of us know her.

Tough words but the truth mate, if you can handle it.

TheJoker pulls no punches, but he is probably right.

[MrHammer]

I have met many girls who are like this. Low paying boring job, not many interests and their worlds consist of gossip with their girlfriends and partying. She is a party girl even if you don't like it.

She quit her job and got bored. She went out to party. You got jealous and clingy. Girls don't like jealous and clingy guys.

Mate, it happens to all of us at some point. Everyone has done it when we believe that it's the one and only love.

You should have kicked her out for a while the first time she stayed out late. Then have her beg to take you back. When you call and call and call, you clearly show she is in control and though she likes to be in control, she is not attracted to you then.

Sorry it ended that way. Get back to Thailand. There are millions of girls like her!

[Ulysses G.]

I don't wanna go to thailand to have some fun with a random hooker. thats not who I am, and thats not who i want to be.

Don't feel bad, you are not the first guy to fall for the goodie two shoes act.

[thunder30101]

 Deganfarang you  tell this guy that thai women are such great liars in one sentence, and then go on to say how the "old guys" will tell you blah blah blah. You need to go look in the mirror boy. And Im not an old man for your info, just tired of you slagging others then trying to act like your such an understanding thai lover. 

Edited January 8, 2010 by bonobo
removed name-calling

[MrHammer]

Lets not forget that there are many reasons for a relationship to end that has nothing to do with money. Of course it's easier on the ego to blame it on the money grabbing Thai girls.

[johndpoole]

.

You should have kicked her out for a while the first time she stayed out late. Then have her beg to take you back. When you call and call and call, you clearly show she is in control and though she likes to be in control, she is not attracted to you then.

Yes, control (abuse) is all about what makes a relationship work.

[johndpoole]

Always remember in Thailand, you donot lose your girlfriend just your place in line.

Hmm, I wonder why this how relationships work out for you here.

[MrHammer]

It's called setting boundaries for what you will accept or not. Abusive people do not respect boundaries. If the TS made it clear that he didn't want her to do what she did, then she is the abusive one.

[MrJohnson]

How is it that Thai women are so genetically different but all you westerners are still either here in Thailand going after them or still obsessed enough with them to be posting in this thread and subscribing to this board?

According to many here the majority of Thai women only care about fleecing men and not about feeling secure or wanting to feel loved. That they are incapable of hating what some of them do to themselves to be able to make a enough money to take care of themselves and possibly a child from some Thai man who walked out on them.

How do you consider only your views of them and not how many westerners and Thai men have made them feel about themselves. You talk about them but their stereotype of most westerners being a walking hard-on with the words ATM tattooed on their forehead is much more accurate. Oh, but I guess it was them who created this stereotype.

All good points. Many marriages/relationships from way back to the Greeks and Romans have been about money and power, most usually, but not always on the male side. In many cultures it is a package deal ie. you get the whole family, this is not just a Thai thing. One of the significant things that has changed in many Western countries was a result of the 'romantics' who popped up in the 18th and 19th century with this idea that love and marriage go together. As Tina Turner famously put 'what's love got to do with it'? For many cultures it is about financial security, bringing two business families together etc. and if the couple are lucky love might come along later on.

anyway, gotta dash opff to work to earn money for the 'family'.

[MrJohnson]

Always remember in Thailand, you donot lose your girlfriend just your place in line.

Go back to Thailand and live life your to young to be getting hung up on one girl. look around and you will find another nice girl, look for one with a good job, not a hooker.

these girls have a lot of pressure to help the family and it can be very stressful on them. On one trip my girlfriend is talking on the phone and I can tell she is pissed after she hangs up I ask whats up. All she says is money, money don't these people realize I have a family to take care of. It was her kid sister asking for money when she had been given a couple of thousand baht a week earlier.

It's hard to get the full story, they will not talk about it that much.

Go back have a good time life is to short wondering why, who knows and who cares.

'you donot lose your girlfriend just your place in line' - what a sad puppy you must be and what a slur on the majority of Thai women. Stop swimming in the sewer and you might meet some decent women or maybe you are just a misogynist

[johndpoole]

It's called setting boundaries for what you will accept or not. Abusive people do not respect boundaries. If the TS made it clear that he didn't want her to do what she did, then she is the abusive one.

Actually you need to seek therapy if you believe that an appropriate response to being mad at your GF's behavior is to make her feel helpless, alone and scared until she learned her lesson. You are also very immature if you think playing games is a good thing in a relationship.

I try not to attack anybody directly but your one-sided abusive view turns my stomach.

[johndpoole]

You know what is interesting ....

There are certain things programmed into both males and females as a means of survival. A couple of them are...

1) Men looking to mate with a healthy (young) looking female who is more likely to produce good offspring.

2) Women seeking out a strong (successful) man who can provide and take care of her and the child.

One of the many other things are men's need to feel they are attractive (successful) and are cable of taking care of their mate. Sadly, many men feel they fail at this and go on to blame an entire population of women for what they internally perceive to be their failure ... instead of just realizing in many cased it was just not a good match OR try to control the women and make them feel they are helpless without them. They do this many ways such as abandoning them temporarily, with holding money, not allowing them to socialize with others .....

No doubt both females and males both have issues and can be controlling/abusive but this thread appears to mainly be guys and one thing that holds true for all of us in a successful/happy relationship is WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OURSELF.

Example: If you smack your GF then you smacked her. You should tell folks you work with, " I smacked my GF today' and let them know you think it was a appropriate without mentioning anything she did in your mind to deserve this. Because the truth is you smacked her and she is not in control of your physical actions, your words or how you deal with your feelings ... only you are. Everyone who acts abusive (verbally or physically) and tries to control their mate ALWAYS has a good reason. But the bottom line is we control ourselves and if your GF needs controlling in your mind then you are a very insecure loser for staying in that relationship. And if you find in all your relationships that your GF needs controlling or be taught to appreciate you then you need therapy and should stop dating (hurting women) until you get right in the head.

[Orac]

It sounds to me like a relationship that has gone bad because one of the partners has strayed. I had something very similar happen to me 20 years ago where I was engaged to marry a girl I had known for 3 years who was a couple of years older than me. We had bought a house together but a couple month before we were due to get married she started being evasive and coming home late. After a couple of weeks of this I went to her work place and found her with another bloke. The difference here was that this all happenned in the UK.

Though this may be something that happens more frequently here it is not specific to Thailand and relationships that break down because one of the people meets someone else happen the world over. At least in this situation the OP didn't end up out of pocket too much.