3 Children , 20 Years In Thailand And 16 Years Together

[IanForbes]

As others have mentioned get everything in order. Sit back, calm down and make sure there's no misunderstanding on your part.

I know it's hard but don't let yourself get dragged down with guilt.

Once you've done that, work out a plan of action.

Before you let on that you know what she's been up to I recommend you:

Get all your documents stashed away in a place where she doesn't have access. If possibly keep them with you.

If she has access to your bank accounts, make sure that access is stopped, change passwords and if possible move the funds to a new account.

The same goes for your email accounts, change passwords and start a new one purely for correspondence with your lawyer and close non Thai family. It's possibly the new man in her life has or can gain access to your current email accounts.

Keep a detailed record of all money transactions, letters and any discriminating evidence in the event this turns nasty.

Just remember this isn't the end of the world. Plenty of us have been through this, we've survived.

You're still young and there's lots more fun to be had in life.

She dont know that i know about her farang boyfriend, so thinking about renting a appartment and getting documents over there even as we have some very expensive painting is our house.

But the biggest worries are about my children, they love me, they call papa, they want to stay with papa, sing with papa, dance with PAPA, and swim with papa they my blood my love and that is why i am so very sad at this time.

Then you are blessed with the love of the children. Leave it at that. I would love it if some sucker took the woman I help support off my hands. It wouldn't change how I feel about the children or how they feel about me. Your situation happens to millions of men all over the world. Just slowly sell the stuff that might be considered joint property and stick the money somewhere it can't be touched. Be VERY strict with your budget.

Just look at it like a new life of freedom and you'll love it once you get used to it. I know another poor bloke who supports a woman who has many lovers on the side when he's back in the States. He finally started suspecting her, but everything is in her name and he has to weigh his options. And, he is a sugar daddy she doesn't want to lose. None of her lovers have a bean.

[Portlandstone]

This is a reply to the original poster (#1). You said you have some two decades together, many wonderful experiences, and three nice children. Dude, that is a good sign. Yes apparently (and we still don't know 100%) she may have gone out with another but you have got to see the glass half full. It does not mean that she's all that bad of a person. In my opinion doing a little monkey business with a 3rd person does not always mean it's a bad setting. I had a Korean girlfriend for over 4 years when I lived in America. We had a really good love life, but there was one New Years Eve (or a few days after it) I also stumbled upon some similar evidence that you mentioned, a NY greeting card that said just a bit more than I would have thought it should. Although it gave me that wierd feeling in the pit of my stomach, I also figured that she is simply human and she likely just wanted to see what another guy was like one time (I should add she was very inexperienced before me). All indicators pointed to that being what happened. I know it wasn't many times as I was often with her, usually at short notice, and also what was said in the card. And besides, over a long period of time we all are subject to a little imperfections. Even if another guy had fun with her one night, I had her 99% of the time. I know that might not make sense to some, but I believe I prevailed. Also, she was a heck of a lot of fun and did a lot for me as a friend and lover.

Just accept the fact that some people really may have a higher libido than others. Having a man away for more than a month really could be difficult for some. In final, I would say you should really judge her at her core. Is she really a rotten person, now? Did she conspire against you, does there seem some evil intentions from her actions of what you feel you've discovered? Do you think this was all a plot to hate you? Or has she done so many fine things together with you, and does her extra actions seem based primarily upon her? If you can really deduce that she was "evil" then perhaps I can understand the feelings of getting even, but I still wouldn't recommend doing anything "Thailand-style". Otherwise, I would recommend as smooth as possible of a transition. You can either bring some awesome love life back to the bedroom and show her whose the better man, you can do a counseling-style talking with her to try to really get to the bottom of this, or you can just gently "not be around anymore" and go meet some other women. Put on your best clothes, go out and flirt with real chicks that have real jobs (not just redlight girls), and after making several of them smile or more, then reconsider.

Just to reiterate, a little sex with other people isn't always bad. It can be, but not always.

[Heng]

Don't forget to document everything for posterity as your kids would surely love to hear about how you got revenge on their mom.

Seriously though, sucks to be in such a situation. Hope it works out.

[eek]

So sorry OP. As others have said, make sure you find out all the facts first. Make sure those letters/emails are from her and not just too her, or about someone else. Make sure it wasnt something like flirting online, which she might have been doing because she was bored or whatever, but didnt actually go see anyone. Find out how long ago and how long its been. You need to fill in the gaps first.

Good luck..

[Dakhar]

In the state of Texas u could sue this dude, and I think Thailand has laws on the books regarding this. I seem to remeber a HiSo case regarding a similar situation

[Dakhar]

This is a reply to the original poster (#1). You said you have some two decades together, many wonderful experiences, and three nice children. Dude, that is a good sign. Yes apparently (and we still don't know 100%) she may have gone out with another but you have got to see the glass half full. It does not mean that she's all that bad of a person. In my opinion doing a little monkey business with a 3rd person does not always mean it's a bad setting. I had a Korean girlfriend for over 4 years when I lived in America. We had a really good love life, but there was one New Years Eve (or a few days after it) I also stumbled upon some similar evidence that you mentioned, a NY greeting card that said just a bit more than I would have thought it should. Although it gave me that wierd feeling in the pit of my stomach, I also figured that she is simply human and she likely just wanted to see what another guy was like one time (I should add she was very inexperienced before me). All indicators pointed to that being what happened. I know it wasn't many times as I was often with her, usually at short notice, and also what was said in the card. And besides, over a long period of time we all are subject to a little imperfections. Even if another guy had fun with her one night, I had her 99% of the time. I know that might not make sense to some, but I believe I prevailed. Also, she was a heck of a lot of fun and did a lot for me as a friend and lover.

Just accept the fact that some people really may have a higher libido than others. Having a man away for more than a month really could be difficult for some. In final, I would say you should really judge her at her core. Is she really a rotten person, now? Did she conspire against you, does there seem some evil intentions from her actions of what you feel you've discovered? Do you think this was all a plot to hate you? Or has she done so many fine things together with you, and does her extra actions seem based primarily upon her? If you can really deduce that she was "evil" then perhaps I can understand the feelings of getting even, but I still wouldn't recommend doing anything "Thailand-style". Otherwise, I would recommend as smooth as possible of a transition. You can either bring some awesome love life back to the bedroom and show her whose the better man, you can do a counseling-style talking with her to try to really get to the bottom of this, or you can just gently "not be around anymore" and go meet some other women. Put on your best clothes, go out and flirt with real chicks that have real jobs (not just redlight girls), and after making several of them smile or more, then reconsider.

Just to reiterate, a little sex with other people isn't always bad. It can be, but not always.

I once found some condoms in my girl friends purse... I got a sinking feeling too.... but I reflected on a few things....

I was had some other girls on the side, my girl friend was a Former Miss Taiwan, she was a couple of years older than me.... at least she was using protection... we lived 2 hrs apart

Through 20 - 30 minutes of pondering, I got over her possible transgressions failry fast.

I dumped her 2 years latter for unrelated reasons, one of lifes regrets.

[wolf5370]

OK didn't read all the replies (I admit), but waded through a few.

A few things...

Who translated the letters (was it done right - second opinion)? Trust me on this, I have had tyhings translated officially and still cvomes out with a completely different meaning. Get a few close friends (or maybe a few wives here will translate scans for you). You may be chasing a shadow that doesn't exist.

Its good you didn't confront her, this will not go the way it would (should?) in the west, she will lose face guity or not and just get angry withg you and nothing will be achieved or learned IMO.

First check you facts, don't let suspision and emotion dictate your actions.

As to you expensive pictures etc, that's an easy one. When she's out have them all put in storage. When she comes back tell her they've been sent for appraisal for insurance and it will take a few weeks.

If the kids are in their 20's, maybe you could ask them about what's happeneing. This could be dangerous too of course, only you know them well enough to judge it.

One thing no one is mentioning here - if this affair (if indeed there is one) has been going on for a while, then she has stayed with you. When you return she is there for you, yes. She hasn't sold all your stuff and emptied you accounts, ramprd up the credit cards or taken loans out agianst the house (all this I presume of course - as you do not mention such), so many of the stories and comparisons being made here do not fly IMO. Have you thought that she really does love you, but misses you and uses this other guy as a replacement you until the real thing comes home?

Letters are emotion on paper, they do not an affair make. Has this "affair" been physical?

Can you take a sabatical from work and spoend a bit longer in LoS with the family to re-cement things. You can be very clever this way, without confronting her, you can relay a story about a friend in Germany (or wherever) who has been married to a woman for 16 years has kids etc etc etc, putting the woman in a slightly bad light and ending the story with how much SHE lost. Sounds silly perhaps, but I can tell you I know it has worked before in your sort of situation (I ncan't go into it, but it is much closer to your story than many related here).

How would you feel about making an honest woman of her. Planning a wedding can do wonders for a womans morale too. It is surely the best way to say "I love you".

There is always a warning that maybe you should protect yourself too. This is sensible whatever the outcome.

Good luck my friend

I don't buy that. If you love someone and that someone has to go and work to feed the family, you don't go shagging another making believe it's her loved husband. Imagine the married guy's in the armed forces who are away for many months, thinking, l hope my wife is shagging the milkman thinking of me. Love is Love.

Oh, I didn't mean it is a justifiable excuse, just a possible reason that, to me at least, is much better than waiting for him to catch a cab to the airport before calling over Mr Wrong.

Not sure what the amy guy anocdote was about though. I didn't suggest that HE knew about it and shoul be happy, I meant that may be it happened because she was lonely and missed him, but returned to him afterwards. A weakness, a transgression, these are not allways repetitous - sometimes things happen. Sometimes it makes for a stronger bond. Although more often not I would guess, but as he states he loves her and is sure she loves him, then surely its worth his while checking his facts and seeing if it was a misstranslation, a one time mistake or she really is a wrongun.

PS: The guys I have known from thae Army often find their wives have indeed been at it while the are away. Possibly, because they pick the girls up in the same places as many Farangs do here - p!ssed in a club.

[Portlandstone]

Oh yah a bit more I want to say (I posted ten minutes ago, up above).

First, I see the user "tgw" knows a good deal, so read up on what he says. The guy with the popeye avatar also has some sense, as do others.

Here's what I want to say, but I think there may be a moderator or two that won't like it. I'll try.

Women and men handle things differently. Women like to get all fussy and think everything through. Don't be a woman! You are a man, do things that way.

Over the next week or two, go out and get "serviced" 4 or 5 times. Ok, so you have higher morals, so then go out and get "massage only" but make sure the girls are good looking and younger. Get the fullbody (no sex) and just gaze in their eyes each time and think to yourself "I could, but I won't, and I see she wants it too." Repeat 4 or 5 times. Also, go out to the better department stores and buy a couple of great shirts. After you've had your service massages, go out and chat up good looking women. Bring back the man in you, even if it means lower morals.

And, take charge with your lady, be a man and take her to bed. Do her brains out to the point that she says "oh god, I think I saw stars on the ceiling while you were on me" or stuff like that. Let her be the woman, and do her right. The other guy may have sweet talked her, but you can do her better. After you've horsed around with some cute young women, and made your main lady see the moon during the day, you will then have the choice, should you choose to do so, of just casually saying "oh yah, I saw some something letters or whatever they were, mentioned something but I'm not sure." Be casual about it. You are the man, let her be the fussy one. Remember that guys only win when they act like guys, they never win if they try to sort out impossible scenarios. Undo your top button, make out with some younger chicks, and keep your main lady on the side a bit. Then go back and be like "oh yah, baby, something I wanted to chat about" and let her do all the work.

Don't forget, this is Thailand, where ultimately the man can win heads up if he does things the right way. Would you rather have your face in your hands looking into empty shot glasses, or be that dude with a new contract on life out in the hot sun of Bangkok with several girls' numbers on your speed dial. Before you make any big choices with your lady, try #2 for a while first! Let us know what you think.

[Portlandstone]

I once found some condoms in my girl friends purse... I got a sinking feeling too.... but I reflected on a few things....

I was had some other girls on the side, my girl friend was a Former Miss Taiwan, she was a couple of years older than me.... at least she was using protection... we lived 2 hrs apart

Through 20 - 30 minutes of pondering, I got over her possible transgressions failry fast.

I dumped her 2 years latter for unrelated reasons, one of lifes regrets.

Not to detract too much from the op,

but a former Miss Taiwan, now that's what I'm talking about! PM me her picture, I'm interested. But seriously, your situation sounds similar to mine, she was also a bit older, and I also horsed around once in a while as well. And you are RIGHT! By using your logic and say "ok she did it a few times with someone, but now -I- am doing her" you prevailed. And much like you, in that relatinship with the Krn woman, I was the one that left her. Even to this day once in awhile, I call her up, she takes my calls.

To the OP, let this be a note that women are simply very irrational (I'd like to use some other unkind words, but some may not like what I say) and that leads them to make huge mistakes. It's up to men to bring them back around. And if she doesn't still take to your liking yet, casually let her know you are having a bit of fun with some new found friends in the city. Don't do it like "revenge", just mention it with a sense of humor, then go out and do it.

[manarak]

thanks for the flowers Portlandstone.

but:

And, take charge with your lady, be a man and take her to bed. Do her brains out to the point that she says "oh god, I think I saw stars on the ceiling while you were on me" or stuff like that. Let her be the woman, and do her right.

I doubt there is a chance for that.

[WarpSpeed]

So his last response was over a day ago now and he was pissed in a bar somewhere? Hope he is OK? From one speed to another I know you have a lot to contend with but now you've inspired some thoughts of compassion and concern with your OP, drop in and let us know how things are going eh?

[TheJoker12]

Did he say how old the children are?

[TheJoker12]

I think the op needs to sober up & think about things with a clear head. I also think that posters need to stop the name calling of the mother of the op's kids & bear in mind that we have only had one side if the story.

OP I hope you can find the best option & result to this sad situation for you & your kids.

Best of luck

typical woman think.

yes, lets hear the wife's side of the story. maybe she has a good excuse!

[WarpSpeed]

^ Now where's that s**t storm emoticon again?.......

Edited January 9, 2010 by WarpSpeed

[WarpSpeed]

Yes....... Uhmmm.... Where's that rain coat again?

[Brunus]

I think the op needs to sober up & think about things with a clear head. I also think that posters need to stop the name calling of the mother of the op's kids & bear in mind that we have only had one side if the story.

OP I hope you can find the best option & result to this sad situation for you & your kids.

Best of luck

typical woman think.

yes, lets hear the wife's side of the story. maybe she has a good excuse!

It reminds me of an Eminem song called guilty conscience. A man catches his wife in man with another man. Dr. Dre is the good conscience and says: "What if there's an explanation for this sh_t"?. And Eminem:"What? She slipped, fell, landed on his d_ck?"

Seriously, there is no excuse for a person that after such a long relationship cheats on his/her partner. Especially when there are kids involved. She should have talked to the OP if there were problems.

I agree the OP should think with a clear head. The OP seems a good person, in love with his gf. For what he said about the letters it seems there are no doubts. I hope I am wrong and this is just a big misunderstanding.

In any case I wish all the best to the OP

Edited January 9, 2010 by Brunus

[dumball]

Well , I have certain feelings about this sort of mess having had one after 25 years with my first wife , I told her then the same as I told my current Asian wife , always think of the double F beore you stray , I was/am in marriage to be loyal and expected/expect the same from you , there will be NO deviation from this .

He who F@#@S you , Feeds you and that means right now when and if I become aware of any form of adultery , door works one way please close it behind you .

[Thongkorn]

I know I am at the bottom of the pile for giving advice , But I would not get even or angry, I know this to be hard to do, stay focused, Sort your finances out without telling her get yourself checked out , then put her on the spot , but you have to have a line drawn, if you cannot get her to cross the line then Sorry to say you have to think of number 1, Bad things always seem to Happen to the good people, The last thing you want to do is get Drunk , things change when you are not focused, Things seem to be what they are not,If you can keep cool, all the better, nothing said is worth a thousand words, Take care look after yourself.

[TheJoker12]

Op is totally wrecked.

How can he divorce her when he is away on biz half the time? Who takes care of the kids? So he divorces her. She keeps the house and the Italian guy moves in. Then she finds a way/reason to extract more money from him. He loses his Visa to Thailand. He gets angry that the kids are calling the Italian guy Papa and gets nasty. Cops get called and he is in the slammer.

What are his options? How can he forgive her and spend half his time away wondering what she is up to?

[kurnell]

This story is so vague, lacking in details etc. that I surprised that so many people have waded in with some pretty strong responses and ideas. Now the OP has disappeared for a couple of days. Does this not seem a little strange?

The letters are in Thai to an Italian man? An Italian man can read Thai?

[tonywebster]

This story is so vague, lacking in details etc. that I surprised that so many people have waded in with some pretty strong responses and ideas. Now the OP has disappeared for a couple of days. Does this not seem a little strange?

The letters are in Thai to an Italian man? An Italian man can read Thai?

well in fairness I know one Italian that can speak, read and write Thai, that also sees himself as some form of playboy so it is indeed possible.

[ArthurPewty]

Thanks for the new phrase "get your ducks in a row". It sounds better than set out your stall or get your house in order.

As for the OP, don't mess your kids up. Many people do and it is wrong! However, good to make her pay!

[Tenchu]

It isn't counted as kidnapping when one parent takes his children and leaves the other parent (in Thailand). It's not illegal. Just thought you might like to know.

They are not legaly married so it would be kidnapping seems to me a very high risk thing to do, better sort things out and work out something with the GF.

I did not think marriage had anything to do with it. Not married, the children are still as much his kids as they are hers. Surely, they were registered as his children when born. How does not being married make them more the females children?

It's not a risky thing to do if you get your facts straight. If things are not illegal, then you can do them.

I would not want a cheating woman raising my children.

[kurnell]

This story is so vague, lacking in details etc. that I surprised that so many people have waded in with some pretty strong responses and ideas. Now the OP has disappeared for a couple of days. Does this not seem a little strange?

The letters are in Thai to an Italian man? An Italian man can read Thai?

well in fairness I know one Italian that can speak, read and write Thai, that also sees himself as some form of playboy so it is indeed possible.

Of course. But the story is still lacking in details, is at best vague and doesn't ring true.

[MJP]

Be pragmatic, not emotional, although I know this is very hard. Children come first. Be calm and constructive. If you take this approach it is most likely that your wife's mother will be very supportive of you. You need that support to maintain stability for the children, the family and yourself.

If you live in a village and take this approach, you'll find you have the support of the village too. It's not about 'sides', it's not about divisiveness, it's about maintaining stability.

This has been my experience throughout 2009.

My only problem now is mother-in-law and the rest of the village for that matter can't get it through their heads that I don't want another relationship, another woman. I just want to take care of daughter, weed the flower beds and mow the bl00dy grass!

It's not the end of the world.

[dumball]

'MJP'

Be pragmatic, not emotional, although I know this is very hard. Children come first. Be calm and constructive. If you take this approach it is most likely that your wife's mother will be very supportive of you. You need that support to maintain stability for the children, the family and yourself.

If you live in a village and take this approach, you'll find you have the support of the village too. It's not about 'sides', it's not about divisiveness, it's about maintaining stability.

This has been my experience throughout 2009.

My only problem now is mother-in-law and the rest of the village for that matter can't get it through their heads that I don't want another relationship, another woman. I just want to take care of daughter, weed the flower beds and mow the bl00dy grass!

It's not the end of the world.

So what was your point of support of the village if they do not wish to listen to YOUR point of view ? Trying to get many things through a brick wall becomes very frustrating for some of us . Moral of this story is ???

[MJP]

So what was your point of support of the village if they do not wish to listen to YOUR point of view ? Trying to get many things through a brick wall becomes very frustrating for some of us . Moral of this story is ???

Just be an adult about it all, demonstrate a sort of reliability and sensibility and it will all go the OP's way I'm sure.

I still get the hump now and again about what went on, but it passes. Just have to ride it out.

The people in this village where I live have been very good friends to me, the older generation and younger ones. I do feel at home, helped maintain the essential 'stability' and now all is well.

In all honesty we have a great time. They smoke all my cigarettes and drink all my coffee but it's no big deal.

[Neeranam]

She's a poor village girl and she repays you by screwing another man - the fact it's another foreigner means she's after more money - I know what I'd do - get the kids out of there, burn the house down, get a good lawyer and NEVER even speak to her again.

[dmax]

if u love her then i would try sort it out for your kids sake and make sure it never happens again but easier siad than done, good luck mate i wish you well

[MJP]

She's a poor village girl and she repays you by screwing another man - the fact it's another foreigner means she's after more money - I know what I'd do - get the kids out of there, burn the house down, get a good lawyer and NEVER even speak to her again.

No, be constructive. These things sort out and often everyone is much happier in the end.