Friend Dilemma

[ding]

Needs to hit bottom and realize he has a problem. Not a lot you can do I am afraid.

That's it in a nutshell. It's the disease that's cruel. Helping is hurting, in this deal. Give the poor soul a meeting schedule and hope for the best. Maybe an AAer nearby would be willing to talk to him. He can PM or email me anytime he's sober FWIW.

[hopdafru]

It is certainly true that you can't help people unless they are willing to accept help.

Between simply walkiung away and trying to get this person to do XYZ there is a middle option:

Gather a set of resource information - lists of AA meetings (free), residential treatment programs (various types, not free), counselling (also different types, not free ut some places have sliding scale fees). Between what is on this thread and the pinned mental health resource list in the Health forum, you should be able to put together a nice little kit. For AA, make it a detailed list i.e. exact times, locations of meetings, contact numbers, website.

Then sit him down and tell him that you are deeply concerned and believe he has a problem which is doing him harm and likely to do him even more harm in the future. If possible, have some other people he knows join you. Be sure to convey compassion and concern.

Then the rest of it is up to him. If he avails of any of these resources, support him to the max.

If he does not, distance yourself but make it clear to him that you'll be there when and if he decides to take action.

This way you meet your moral obligation, do what it is possible to do, but do not get embroiled into something that is beyond your control.

Bingo! Absolutely correct middle way approach and avoids the highly probable win loose outcome which too often happens in these difficult situations.

On a side note and after going to both AA and All-anon meetings, what has previously helped me was the presence and availability of a close friend, who knew that all attempts to convince me usually produced the opposite effect from what was initially expected, thus delaying positive action even further.

The compassionate listening of the other enabled me to make sense of what I was going through and re-invent what I wanted. It is almost impossible to do this completely alone and one must be aware and careful not to give in to sometimes (often) unrealistic or unhealthy expectations... hel_l is often paved with good intentions!

I liked some previous comments re. drinking times, finding something else to do during those hours and having a reason to go to bed early can really help and produce rapid results (and/or reducing alcohol intake - perhaps alcohol free beer or lite beer - still a source of alcohol but much less while enabling liquid intake - not an AA recommendation I know) which quickly helps 'thinking normally' again which in my experience was often key to making progress.

The road to 'recovery' is long indeed - i'm inclined to think years rather than months - and often requires some effort and outside help as has been written above.

Finally, some readings can provide excellent insight such as 'The road Less Travelled' by M Scott Peck or any writings by Pema Chodron (audio books also available and easy to find online) - these are not self help books which haven't produced any result whatsoever in my case!

Just sharing my experience,

Good Luck!

[ding]

It is certainly true that you can't help people unless they are willing to accept help.

Between simply walkiung away and trying to get this person to do XYZ there is a middle option:

Gather a set of resource information - lists of AA meetings (free), residential treatment programs (various types, not free), counselling (also different types, not free ut some places have sliding scale fees). Between what is on this thread and the pinned mental health resource list in the Health forum, you should be able to put together a nice little kit. For AA, make it a detailed list i.e. exact times, locations of meetings, contact numbers, website.

Then sit him down and tell him that you are deeply concerned and believe he has a problem which is doing him harm and likely to do him even more harm in the future. If possible, have some other people he knows join you. Be sure to convey compassion and concern.

Then the rest of it is up to him. If he avails of any of these resources, support him to the max.

If he does not, distance yourself but make it clear to him that you'll be there when and if he decides to take action.

This way you meet your moral obligation, do what it is possible to do, but do not get embroiled into something that is beyond your control.

What Sheryl describes is a mini intervention. This is used to good effect in the states. Best to gather family and business(?) associates too, more is better. Wouldn't hurt to google and print the AA schedule and maybe stop by a meeting and buy a Big Book to hand him. Just depends on what this person means to you, I guess.

Once that's done, however, ya gotta let the situation go. Never deny an alcoholic his right to suffer (or her, of course). Everyone has different tolerance levels for pain, some even have to die.

[LaoPo]

OP:

Many people have tried to talk to him, but this generally falls on deaf ears.

Any advice ?

Being an alcoholic is having a serious sickness and addiction and YOU cannot help.

They will NEVER listen and will only go to a rehab center when their own brain says: "enough is enough"

I have witnessed an extremely fine young man drink himself to death and he died when he was 22; he knew he was going to die and he didn't want to go into rehab also because he was sick and knew he was going to die. He thought he was hated by his father and I must say that his father was an @sshole and a dominant SOB and never showed any affection to this son (he had 4 sons with 2 different wives)...

If your friend doesn't want to admit he is seriously sick, you can't help him and better ty to make the best of your friendship in the time he has left.

Alcoholism is a mean thing...a MONSTER

LaoPo

Edited November 25, 2010 by LaoPo

[longballlarry]

Just an update. In the last year;

He has been arrested for DUI, had friends in BKK die after taking drugs with him in a hotel, had warrants issued for his arrest for failing to appear at court, and he recently killed someone in Drunken RTA, which cost him about 1/2 million baht. He's showed no remorse and is accelerating towards his own and others, destruction.

His life is spiraling out of control, and I really dont think he'll see 40. I hope your reading mate, because you now know this is about you. The people around you find it all strangely hilarious, the trials of your life, and wont g1ve a <deleted> when you're dead, but will just use it as an excuse for another p1ss up. Get yourself some help, before its too late.