You Know You've Been In Asia Too Long If

[Kan Win]

1. The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.

2. You no longer wait in line, but immediately go to the head of the queue.

3. You stop at the bottom of the escalator to plan your day.

4. You habitually punch all the buttons as you leave the lift.

5. It has become exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anybody can get off.

6. You're willing to pay to use a toilet you wouldn't go to within a kilometer of at home.

7. It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue

for the next meeting.

8. You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply

"up to you mister".

9. You accept the fact that you have to queue to get your number for the next queue.

10. You have considered buying a motorcycle for the next family car.

11. You accept without question the mechanic's analysis that the car is "broken" and that it

will cost you a lot of money to get it fixed.

12. You find it saves time to stand and retrieve your cabin baggage while the plane is still

on final approach.

13. You walk to the pub with your arm around your mate.

14. You answer the telephone with "Hello" more than 5 times.

15. Your are quite content to repeat your order six times in a restaurant that only has four

items on the menu.

16. A T-bone steak and rice sounds just fine.

17. You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.

18. You regard traffic signals, stop signs and copy watch peddlers with total ignorance.

19. If when listening to the pilot prove he can't speak English, you no longer wonder if he

can understand the Air Traffic Controllers.

20. You regard it as part of an adventure when the waiter exactly repeats your order and

the cook makes something completely different.

21. You're not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.

22. You think it is normal to wait six days to get your laundry back or pay 50% surcharge

for same day service.

23. Taxi drivers understand you.

24. You own a rice cooker.

25. Due to selective memory you honestly believe you could return to the western world.

26. You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your pants.

27. YOU UNDERSTAND ALL OF THE ABOVE REFERENCES!

[tomy]

19 out of 27

[Kan Win]

19 out of 27 

Thank you Teacher

[sbk]

city people jokes! you forgot,

you've been in asia too long when you build a nice bonfire, throw on some plastic bags and make sure the wind is blowing the smoke and soot right onto your neighbor's freshly washed laundry.

you own a slingshot to shoot your neighbors chickens and wandering pigs.

bugs in your food are just extra protein.

you are overwhelmed by the toilet paper selection in the supermarkets in the west.

you need to buy shoes when you go back home to visit the family.

[Boo]

spot on sbk, another one, you wonder why people stare when you take the dog to the vet, whats wrong with me, hubby & a 35 kilo alsatian mix riding along on a Honda Dream?

[tuky]

...you reach for the spoon instead of a knife.

[TizMe]

...you reach for the spoon instead of a knife.

Aren't knives only used by irate girlfriends/wives?

[Guest IT Manager]

And dont forget...

You habitually look both ways when crossing a one way street

Your wife calls to remind you she will be home Saturday and have you bought toilet paper.

You are not surprised when the lady who owns the pub asks if you know anyone who will teach her son English.

[Rolling Stone]

Not only does it not bother you a lady is cleaning the urinal next to the one you are using, but that you also start to have a casual chat with her.

Keep it real!

[surin]

And the Poms will win tonight's final

[dr_Pat_Pong]

And the Poms will win tonight's final

Spoken like a true patriot Surin .

[tomy]

Not only does it not bother you a lady is cleaning the urinal next to the one you are using

I hated when that happen, i feel so violated of me young life, sexual harassment, i wonder if they ever saw my chilly hmmmm!

anyway I swear, bangkok air smell fresh lately

[TizMe]

i wonder if they ever saw my chilly hmmmm!

Did she have the magnifing glass?

[taxexile]

you know you have been here too long if,when out for dinner with friends you suddenly,mid-meal, jump up from the table and announce that you have to go and have a <deleted>, and on your return you tell your dining companions how smelly it was.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

anyway I swear, bangkok air smell fresh lately

What medication are you on Tomy ? It is too strong methinks. Talk to your Doctor about doseage. .

[surin]

And  the Poms will win tonight's final

Spoken like a true patriot Surin .

And I was only joking!!!..Serves me right!

[surin]

2 blokes were drinking and talking crap to each other in the bar on top of Bayoke Sky Tower....One of the men said that you can jump out of the window, fall nearly all the way down, but because it's so tall, strong gusts of wind pick you up and swirl you half way round the building and lift you onto the 9th. floor window without hitting the ground.

The other bloke looked at him in disbelief and stated it was the biggest load of shtt that he'd heard in his life.....The story teller asked if he would like to bet on it...The bet was forthcoming and the bloke lept out the window...travelled almost to the ground, a strong wind picked him up and lifted him back onto the 9th floor window.

He caught the lift back up to the top bar and then dared the other one to do it.

Not to be out-done, the next bloke lept out the window fell down past the 9th floor and hit the ground.

The bartender, who had been watching and listening at the going-ons looked across at the other bloke and said"You're a real bastard when you've been drinking Superman!"

[Insight]

... While stuck in a traffic jam, you see a tiny gap in the traffic in the other lane. You think "If I try and move into that gap, half my car will be left in the lane I was just in, thus blocking traffic for a mile back and frustrating 100+ drivers."

But you don't care and jump in that gap anyway.

[the gentleman]

I think I agreed with all of it, scary!

[Pink Mist]

thats a joke I heard many years ago surin but your version is politically correct.

[Moving]

one more to add to the list...

"when you gladly give money to the girlfriend so she can buy new shoes for the water buffalo'

[gangstar]

You wear a wolly het and gloves when it drops below 30

You think fairy lights wrapped around a T.V looks bueatiful

You Actually beleive your wifes family like you!!

You think blondes look exotic

You push the pull open door for the 50th time this week and giggle about the experiance again

Your sure theirs room for one more on the bike that already holds 5 people and a pig

You now speak to freinds back home in broken english

You enjoy som tam with a few chicken feet on the side

You buy cigarttes in singles, and are sure L&M taste better than B&H

Your sure Loa Khao is a good substitute for a twelve year old single malt

You dont fear a couple of months in the monkey house

[tuky]

well done gangstar.

there must be a few more around surely!!!

[Kan Win]

Thank you all for your posts.

Since I am responsible for starting this Fred, one has to complete their work.

This should be my final input written by my good friend and dearly departed, long ago “Scot Lansdown”. R.I.P

He would have loved to have you all read these two little ones from him. Enjoy and please feel free to “Laugh Out Load” = LOL, like I have done so many times before.

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By Scot Lansdown

THE TOP TEN SITUATIONS THAT REALLY SCARE FARANG MEN IN THAILAND.

10. Flying back home for good only to realize you just flew away for home.

9. The impending visit of your Issan mother-in-law who has 2001 recipes all based in fermented fish.

8. Being awoken by the sound of a knife being sharpened and the quacking of an unfamiliar duck, after one too many ‘late nights at the office’.

7. Returning home to find that the last precious nips of your 24 year old Highland Malt have been poured into the Sang Thip as a space saving measure.

6. Discovering her new Italian phrase book under one of her 68 T-shirts and see the word rigid underlined while you just happen to be from Goteborg, Sweden.

5. Standing on the corner of Soi Cowboy being kissed by a bikini girl as the parents of your most lucrative student pull up before you in their Benz stuck in a jam.

4. Having a gay boss suddenly take a real shine to you and invite you over for a cozy dinner at his place the night before a major company downsizing.

3. Your wife’s sudden attack off selflessness has she hands that gorgeous million Baht dowry for your step daughter’s hand in marriage straight over to the whiskey-eyed dope of a son-in-law.

2. Seeing stubble on the chin of your bride the morning after the wedding.

And the best for the Last…………………..

1. Accidentally scoring "a hole in one" during a negotiating golf game thus beating the CEO of the company your boss desperately needs to do business with.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And by Scot Lansdown Last One

THE GREAT EXCUSE FOR MEN IN THAILAND

The barrel of a cement mixer truck fell off the truck and everybody in the taxi, including me, were crushed to death.

A katoey beat me up for going outside and buying him a bottle of Pepsi.

There was a fire in the hotel and all the emergency exits were locked.

I walked under an elephant for good luck but she picked me up and savagely threw me straight into another bar. My wallet bought me a beer to calm my nerves.

There was a flood.

I was trying to find your favourite durian.

The taxi driver misheard me and took me to Muang Thong Thani instead of Yannawa by mistake.

Look! I bought you a 7-11 hot dog and a slurpy!

Here’s 5,000 Baht. Please don’t cut me up.

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Kan Win:-

Merry Christmas and a Very Prosperous New Year to you all or as the Americans say “Happy Holidays” whatever that means ???? Mai Loo

[gangstar]

Just a couple:

You can sleep for 23 and a half hours a day for months on end

You can shower, eat, watch T.V, call all yor friends and clean the room in the only waking 30 mins you have each day

You think a face smothered hand creamm and white powder is attractive

[maerim]

Or perhaps you just might start missing big fat women with varicose veins.

Home sick already!

[Sick Boy]

You know you've been here too long if......

You think having a 1 baht coin in your ear looks cool

You wear a suit to work then change into flip-flops upon arrival

You add enough soda to your whiskey to render it colourless

And put ice in your beer

You have a conversation with a mouthful of food

And smoke between mouthfuls

You pluck your face at traffic lights

You stand and watch a video in Power Buy

[george]

Have you been here too long?

Check for these sings of an old-timer

In the old days it used to be felt that any foreigner staying in the tropics for an extended period was in danger _ if ``danger'' is the appropriate word _ of going native, or ``troppo'' as it was more commonly known.

You don't hear so much about this alleged ailment these days, but I was reminded of it when a recent visitor nearly fell off his seat when he heard how long Crutch had been living in Thailand.

I might as well have been sprouting green horns and said I was the man from the moon. He looked aghast as if he half expected me to be wearing a pha khao ma and start dancing the ramwong around the newsdesk. I only do that at Christmas.

Of course, in Thailand there are certain giveaway signs when someone has been here for some time _ there's that silly fixed grin for a start.

Here are a few indications for foreign residents that your stay in Thailand might have been perhaps a little longer than most.

- You tell someone the time is about 11 o'clock when in fact it's a quarter to 12.

- You use a whistle when parking your car.

- You season your hamburger with nam pla phrik.

- You are always thinking it must be time for the next meal.

- You stop thinking that a girl riding pillion on a motorbike, side-saddle, wearing a mini-skirt, with one toe pointing to the ground, while putting on make-up, is anything out of the ordinary.

- You can sleep standing up on the bus.

- You can keep your bus fare in your ear.

- If you meet someone called Steve you call him ``Sateve''.

- You know the braking distance for vehicles travelling at 10kph is two metres and that the braking distance for vehicles travelling at 100kph is also two metres.

- You laugh your head off at jokes you can't understand.

- You describe anyone who has ever lived within a two kilometre radius of you as ``my brother''.

- You find that everything you own is counterfeit.

- You frankly never really have a clue what's really going on.

--The Crutch, Bangkok Post 2004-02-01