Just A Start

[jjrbus]

Young man goes on vacation to BKK and comes home with nasty STD, member is all red with yellow and purple spots and dripping. He goes to doctor and doctor tells him it must be amputated. Young man is horrified, and talks to friends.

One friend thinks, since it is oriental disease he should find oriental Doctor.

Young man goes to China town and finds old Oriental DR.

Goes into office and exlains what has happened.

Oriental Dr. says let me see member.

Young man shows him

Dr. bursts out in laughter, Sayin sirry americon Ductor.

Young man feel's a deep sense of relief and says, It does not have to be amputated?

Dr says Uh no, too, tree weks it's going to fall off.

[jjrbus]

Mommy and daddy are in bedroom being intimate, daddy on back mommy on top bouncing up and down.

Little louie comes in room and says what are you doing?

Mommy very embareassed, and not knowing what to say, say's daddy's tummy is getting too big, and I'm trying to knock it down.

Little Louie says it's not going to work Mommy

Why not she replays?

Cause when you go to work the neighbor lady comes over and blows it back up.

[jjrbus]

Young oriental man goes to Canada to pursue his fortune, opens a small restaurant.

Everday this obnoxious brit chap comes in and asks what the special is.

To which the hardworking oriental guy replies Flied lice and eggs. And the obnoxious brit laughs and laughs.

After being humiliated like this many times, the oriental guy hires a tutor and practices day and nite.

Finnaly the day, arrives the obnoxious brit comes in and says whats the special today chang.

The oriental guy proudly says fried rice and eggs. The obnoxious brit just stands there with a blank look on his face.

The oriental guy knowing he has won, stands there and says YOU PLICK.

[jjrbus]

Older man sitting on bar stool, who has obviousely had to much to drink, Is weaving back and forth and closeing and opening eyes, first one and then the other, trying to focus on someone across the bar from him.

The young fellow's across the bar are getting uncomfortable with the attention, then one of them realizes what is happening, and says Relax oldtimer we are twins

The man with a shocked look says All four of you

[jjrbus]

Q. Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

A. Cause they are ugly and they stink

[jjrbus]

>>

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>Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we

>grow

>older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you

>don't

>use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...,

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>Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of

>intelligence.

>So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing

>it or are still "with it."

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>The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your

>own....

>OK, relax, clear your mind and....

>begin.

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>1. What do you put in a toaster?

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>Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something

>else. Try not to hurt yourself.

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>If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

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>2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

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>Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the

>next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even

>overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading

>something more appropriate such as Children's World."

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>If you said "water" then proceed to question 3

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>3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from

>blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is

>made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

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>Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what

>the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????

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>If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

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>4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you

>will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany

>and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The

>pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides

>on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has

>time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land"

>between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors?

>East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

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>Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,

>you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane

>crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated

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>If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

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>5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then

>how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

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>Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one

>degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are

>obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room.

>Everyone else proceed to the final question.

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>6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to

>Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,

>six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people

>get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get

>in. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,

>six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

>What was the name of the bus driver?

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>Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!

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>Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they do better then you

>did!

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[TizMe]

Along the same lines... But a bit more difficult.

3 men go into a motel.

The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.

A while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys' room with $5.

On the way the bellboy couldn't figure out how to split $5 evenly between 3 men, so he gave each man a $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.

This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27, add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29.

Where is the other dollar?

[jjrbus]

Q. How do you stop a poodel from humping on your leg?

A. Pick him up and suck him off

Q. What is the difference between a poodle humping on your leg and a pit bull doing it,

A. The pit bull gets to finish

[jjrbus]

While you were out your proctologist called.

They found your head.

[jjrbus]

Lady catches her husband cheating, and warns him in no uncertain terms that if he does it again, he will be faced with loss of everthing and financial ruin.

A few week later when circus is is town, the miss's is driving by a motel and spot's hubby's car, That SOB (sweet old bill?)she scream's squeel's into lot, finds hubby coming out of room with midget lady from circus. She is screaming at him, and he is there pointing at midget lady, and saying but honey, can't you see I'm trying to cut down?

[jjrbus]

A drunk gets on a bus and plop's down next to a fat lady, who looks at him with disqust and say's you smell. The drunk an intelligent, educated man, who has succumbed to the evil's of rum, say's to the lady, no madam you are wrong, You smell, I stink.

The outraged lady says, you've been drinking, and the drunk replys, and you madam are fat and ugly, The lady yell's at him, YOUR DRUNK, The drunk look's at her, smiles and replys, yes Mam but in the morning I'll be sober.

[Guest IT Manager]

That was credited to Lady Astor and Sir Winston Churchill. Still funny as fukc.

Also same vein:

Sir W; Lady Astor, if I were to offer you 20,000 pounds to sleep with me, would you...

Lady A; Perhaps I would consider it Sir Winston, but probably not.

Sir W; Lady Astor, were I to offer you 20 pounds, would you sleep with me?

Lady A; Shocked.. Good Lord you dreadful man...what do you think I am?

Sir W; Lady Astor we have already established what you are, now we are negotiating a price..

[jjrbus]

Very good IT, but sorry I'm not old enough to have plagiarized it from Winston.

Father and young son in supermarket, son looks at big lady and say's DAD LOOK AT THE BIG FAT LADY. father is really humiliated and trys to repremand son and explaine to him it is impolite to do such things.

Going to checkout, there is only one lane open, and of course there is the lady in line, father is very embarressed but gets in line anyway. After standing behind lady for a few moments the lady's pager goes off. The boy looks at Father whith horror in eye's and screams, LOOK OUT DAD SHE'S GOING TO BACK UP!!!!!!!!!!

[jjrbus]

Reception nurse comes into Dr Pong's office looking rather distraught.

She tells the Dr that the invisable man is in the waiting room and she does not what to do.

Dr says, just tell him I can't see him

[TizMe]

Another to Lady Astor and Sir Winston Churchill.

Lady A: "Sir W, if I was your wife, I would poison your dinner."

Sir W: "Lady A, if you were my wife, I would gladly eat it."

[jjrbus]

Scene: maternaty waiting room, Mr Jones paceing

Dr. Pong enters with pained look on face

Mr. Jones How are my wife and baby

Dr. I have bad news, the nurse hic cuped when tring to give spinal and now your wife is crippled from the waiste down.

Mr. OH NO, in tears, how is my baby.

I'm sorry Dave, May I call you dave?

Dave, IN tears Yes Dr.

I'm very sorry dave, but your baby became entangled in the cord, and is going to be a cripple with major brain damage.

Dave, Crying his heart out, OH NO< tell me it isn,t true, please NO NO NO

Dr. Relax Dave I was just kidding, there both dead.

[jjrbus]

Old, but a classic

Two drunks walking down Soi Cowboy, They see a big dog sitting there licking himself the way male dogs do. One drunk says to his friend, Gosh I wish I could do that. To which his friend replys, well you better pet him first, he look's kind of mean

[the gentleman]

Q. Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

A. Cause they are ugly and they stink

brilliant!

[Edward B]

Old, but a classic

Two drunks walking down Soi Cowboy,  They see a big dog sitting there licking himself the way male dogs do. One drunk says to his friend, Gosh I wish I could do that. To which his friend replys, well you better pet him first, he look's kind of mean

The question then is: Why do dogs lick themselves?

Answer: Because they can.

[Roger13]

A Shaggy Dog Story

An English Country Pub owner has a Dog.

This dog is very popular with all customers.

One evening the Dog dies and whilst burying it one

Customer suggests that to remember the

dog they cut off its tail and hang the Tail in the Bar.

The Dog’s soul goes up to Heaven where it scratches

on the door, which St Peter opens.

“Yes?” says St Peter

“Well, I would like to come in” Says the Dog..

“Have you been a Good Doggie whilst on Earth?” enquires St Peter

“Oh Yes – in fact I was very Popular” Assures the Dog.

“Very well – Come in “ Says St Peter

“Oh wait a minute – where is your Tail? I cannot let

incomplete doggies into heaven” says a worried St Peter

“Well” says the dog “I was liked so much that my admirers

decided to keep my Tail – for remembrance “

“Sorry “ says St Peter “You will have to go back for it”

The Dog dutifully goes back down to earth – it is now getting near to midnight.

He scanters up the lane and scratches the door of the Pub.

The Publican opens the door and the dog explains its predicament.

“St Peter will not let me in without my Tail”

“Oh !” Says the Publican “Well that is a bit difficult for me

- you see I am not Permitted to Retail Spirits after 10.30 !!!!”

[jjrbus]

I don't care what your name is Fatso!!! Get those raindeer off my roof!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Holidays Jim

[Pink Mist]

This is a variation on winstons joke but it was recently said.

yolana docics' father was talking to repoters about Martina Natralovas' gender bias and says "if she was my daughter I would kill myself"

Martina replies "if he was my father I would help him".

[jjrbus]

Bill and Bob were friends forever, born i the same hospital, went to the same school's togethere, played on the same teams, dated and married sisters, Just the closest best friends, the world has ever known.

Bill was of course devastated when bob died at a young age.

Bill was sitting under the stars one nite when he felt the strong presence of Bob, Bob is that you? he said in disbelief.

Yes it's me Bill. Tell me Bob, what is it like there? Well Bob say's, I get up in the morning, have some breakfast, go for a swim and then have sex with one of the lady's, and then take a nap after lunch.

Bill say's I had no idea heaven was like that! to which Bob replys, Who said anything about heaven? I'm a moose in Canada.

[jjrbus]

The American Govt. spends huge sums of money on useless reasearch, and one of those studies involved foods that affected mens sex drive. We all know that oysters and vitamin e and leafy green vegtables are good for us. But they also made a starteling discovery about what the worst food was for a mans sex life. WEDDING CAKE

[stumonster]

Old, but a classic

Two drunks walking down Soi Cowboy,  They see a big dog sitting there licking himself the way male dogs do. One drunk says to his friend, Gosh I wish I could do that. To which his friend replys, well you better pet him first, he look's kind of mean

or his friend replies... I will hold its head....

[jjrbus]

C an't

U nderstand

N ormal

T hinking