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If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly...

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If Santa answered his mail honestly...


Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv

ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,


Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in

lawn care. How about I send you a book so

you can learn to read and write?

I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.

At least HE can spell!



Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only

thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world

for everybody!



Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you,

didn't they?



Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for

Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to

get back together. Please see what you can




Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a

screen door in a hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back

to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly?

It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you

some nice Lego instead.



Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some

G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum

kit, a pony and a tuba.



Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet

you're gay.



Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,

and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the

back door.



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer

fart in my face when I'm riding in the sleigh.

You want to do me a favor? Leave me

a bottle of scotch.



Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are

you busy making toys?

Your friend,


Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in

Vegas, where I spend most of my time making

amateur porno videos. I unwind by drinking myself

silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail


while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know.



Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really

know when we're awake, like in the song?



Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible?

Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your




Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please

please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?



That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,

but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting

a jumper again.



Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you

get into our home?




First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why

you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second,

you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent

apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad

just like all the burglars do: through your bedroom


Sweet Dreams,


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LOL. :o good one, Axel.

here's some seasonal stuff that has made the rounds:

hate to desecrate sacred myth, but what if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? 

They would have asked directions;
arrived on time;
brought practical gifts;
cleaned the stable;
helped deliver the baby; and
made a casserole.

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