Hello Ladies,

I'm assuming this forum is for both Thai and non-Thai women. I guess my question is aimed at Thai women.

Here's the deal:

I met a very nice lady (26) online. We chatted and she seemed friendly enough and fairly smart with pretty good English. I could tell from the picture she was not "stunning" beautiful but that is ok. However, she kept telling me that "now I'm fat". She it is because of some medication she takes.

So we decide to meet and do and well, yes, she is quite large. I don't have anything against overweight people, I could stand to lose some weight myself, but I think we all know there has to be a physical attraction for a relationship to work. I enjoyed talking with her, and I could tell she was becoming quite interested in me. On that first (and only meeting so far) I did not make any indications towards her. No touching or asking when can I see her again, etc. Since out meeting (last Thursday) she has called me numerous times, SMS me a lot, a chats with me on FB. She keeps asking when can she come over and cook for me or other ideas of us getting together.

Here's the question: how do I let her know that I'm not interested? I've always had a hard time hurting people's feelings and the thought of telling her this straight up kills me. And of course she will think it is because she is overweight (which is actually the truth). I know there is the "saving face" thing but I'm sure this problem is world wide. Some of my man friends have told me, just don't answer her calls, her SMSs or chats and she'll get the picture, but that seems cruel but it also might be the quickest and best way to do it. Like pulling a band-aid off.

And please don't bash me, I'm looking for Ms. Perfect. If she was just slightly overweight I might be attracted, but if there is absolutely zero spark then why continue?

Thanks in advance.

Tell her you have got back together with an old flame...

Make a date with her at the gym and see what she looks like underneath after 3 months or so

ohh if i were u i would do

-- when she talk to u on the chat just reply as usual but find any excuses not to stay online that long when she talk to u.

-- if she sms u. reply some of her question ( only the one that general enough) and pretend to miss some line of her sms that concern something like relationship or flirting.

-- When she calls u, just speak normal asking her everyday life question and make some joke like if she met someone she likes yet or "pretend" to ask her the suggestion of how does she think of a girl u just know. tell her u trust her and she is very good "friend" ( the girl u asking her about she is not existing )....

so i think this way she can get the message. (i actually used this before when i was at uni!to a man and its works lol )

good luck

ohh if i were u i would do

-- when she talk to u on the chat just reply as usual but find any excuses not to stay online that long when she talk to u.

-- if she sms u. reply some of her question ( only the one that general enough) and pretend to miss some line of her sms that concern something like relationship or flirting.

-- When she calls u, just speak normal asking her everyday life question and make some joke like if she met someone she likes yet or "pretend" to ask her the suggestion of how does she think of a girl u just know. tell her u trust her and she is very good "friend" ( the girl u asking her about she is not existing )....

so i think this way she can get the message. (i actually used this before when i was at uni!to a man and its works lol )

good luck

Hmm...this sounds like good advice. Can still be friendly to her, but also let her know that I do not want a relationship without hurt her feelings. Perfect. Thanks.

you are welcome :jap:

be nice but truthful (to a point) tell her you really enjoyed meeting her but that you didn't think there was going to be a relationship as you didn't feel a spark but if she wanted to be just friends that would be nice. Don't mention her weight but if she asks if it had anything to do with you choice LIE. Just say no, don't elaborate just deny, deny, deny. She must know it is a factor but being too honest will just make her & you feel bad.

ohh if i were u i would do

-- when she talk to u on the chat just reply as usual but find any excuses not to stay online that long when she talk to u.

-- if she sms u. reply some of her question ( only the one that general enough) and pretend to miss some line of her sms that concern something like relationship or flirting.

-- When she calls u, just speak normal asking her everyday life question and make some joke like if she met someone she likes yet or "pretend" to ask her the suggestion of how does she think of a girl u just know. tell her u trust her and she is very good "friend" ( the girl u asking her about she is not existing )....

so i think this way she can get the message. (i actually used this before when i was at uni!to a man and its works lol )

good luck

No offense to Muppet, but as a woman, I think this is possibly the worst thing you can do. Continuing to chat/sms/talk to her in this way will just confuse her. You can't expect her to "get the message" when you're talking as usual, but then dropping subtle hints like this. Even if her English is pretty good, she probably won't pick up on what you're getting at.....she'll see it as you continuing to talk to her, so you must want to continue getting to know her.

Boo's advice is best.....cut things off right now, but be nice and tactful about it. Prolonging things is only going to hurt the girl's feelings even more. And I agree, don't mention her weight. That's just cruel, when you know she's already self-conscious about it. Just say that you think she's a nice girl, but that it's not going to work out between you two.

ohh if i were u i would do

-- when she talk to u on the chat just reply as usual but find any excuses not to stay online that long when she talk to u.

-- if she sms u. reply some of her question ( only the one that general enough) and pretend to miss some line of her sms that concern something like relationship or flirting.

-- When she calls u, just speak normal asking her everyday life question and make some joke like if she met someone she likes yet or "pretend" to ask her the suggestion of how does she think of a girl u just know. tell her u trust her and she is very good "friend" ( the girl u asking her about she is not existing )....

so i think this way she can get the message. (i actually used this before when i was at uni!to a man and its works lol )

good luck

No offense to Muppet, but as a woman, I think this is possibly the worst thing you can do. Continuing to chat/sms/talk to her in this way will just confuse her. You can't expect her to "get the message" when you're talking as usual, but then dropping subtle hints like this. Even if her English is pretty good, she probably won't pick up on what you're getting at.....she'll see it as you continuing to talk to her, so you must want to continue getting to know her.

Boo's advice is best.....cut things off right now, but be nice and tactful about it. Prolonging things is only going to hurt the girl's feelings even more. And I agree, don't mention her weight. That's just cruel, when you know she's already self-conscious about it. Just say that you think she's a nice girl, but that it's not going to work out between you two.

thats ok, maybe u r right. im a woman too my intention is trying to be her friend still. thats all.

thats ok, maybe u r right. im a woman too my intention is trying to be her friend still. thats all.

Glad you're not offended about what I said. I just think that it's more hurtful to drag things on than to just be honest.

be nice but truthful (to a point) tell her you really enjoyed meeting her but that you didn't think there was going to be a relationship as you didn't feel a spark but if she wanted to be just friends that would be nice. Don't mention her weight but if she asks if it had anything to do with you choice LIE. Just say no, don't elaborate just deny, deny, deny. She must know it is a factor but being too honest will just make her & you feel bad.

Hilarious and outrageous, "be truthful to a point" (lie), "don't mention weight" (LIE), "LIE", "Deny, deny...". For the love of God, why not just tell the truth and be done.

Because its hurtful and nasty when there really is no reason to be? Its called being kind.

So, being kind to be cruel is OK! If you would think about it in a less personal way for a moment you would both see that your advice is hugely inappropriate, it is easily possible for adults to get a message across without hurting and whilst still delivering some well needed truths. But hey, I know better than to go up against you two guys in open forum on anything that has to do with female weight and size so I'm out of this one.

Wow. I am at a loss for words. Um. So, I guess I will just say "bye" and be sure to visit the ladies forum when you are feeling less venomous.

or not.

oh dear, another crawls out of the woodwork!!

my advice is based on the ops own desire not to be nasty or hurt this womans feelings. If you know of better option then post it otherwise you are just flaming. If you have nothing helpful to contribute to the op then stay off the thread.

OK, it's done.

I told her an ex gf who I have been wanting desperately to get back together with has decided to get back with me.

She said she was happy for me and happy to have met met.

Yes, a small, white lie, but it completely saved her feelings and her face.

Thanks for all your help.

Thanks for ending things in a way that spared her the hurt and humiliation.

oh dear, another crawls out of the woodwork!!

my advice is based on the ops own desire not to be nasty or hurt this womans feelings. If you know of better option then post it otherwise you are just flaming. If you have nothing helpful to contribute to the op then stay off the thread.

Your starting position on this subject Boo is that the persons feelings must be spared at all cost, even if that means telling repeatedly lies. I don't agree with that approach, I think that telling lies in that way spares only the feelings of the teller and potentially does long term harm to the tellee, most importantly it takes away from them an opportunity to change things that they clearly need to change. Once again, in an adult and mature world, it is possible for difficult messages to be delivered in a helpful and constructive way. But to be honest, both you guys know those things very well so your outrage card is somewhat misplayed here!.

op, glad you managed to finish things whilst giving her a gentle let down. I find a small kindness to someone you will have no further dealings with much more effective that giving them fuel for further dialogue & recriminations. this way you can both move on with your lives & no hard feelings

Chiang mai

You can disagree with any or all of the ideas put forward by anyone here

But what's not ok is to try to convert this discussion into a personal vendetta against any member, including moderators.

So I suggest you drop that now.

OP good luck

I used the Ex girlfriend one once on a fat bird in Denmark. Worked a treat. There was no way I was going to tell her it was because she is fat, that's just plain nasty. Many men like the bigger girls so no point to make her feel bad about herself.

be nice but truthful (to a point) tell her you really enjoyed meeting her but that you didn't think there was going to be a relationship as you didn't feel a spark but if she wanted to be just friends that would be nice. Don't mention her weight but if she asks if it had anything to do with you choice LIE. Just say no, don't elaborate just deny, deny, deny. She must know it is a factor but being too honest will just make her & you feel bad.

Hilarious and outrageous, "be truthful to a point" (lie), "don't mention weight" (LIE), "LIE", "Deny, deny...". For the love of God, why not just tell the truth and be done.

For the very reason that Boo and sbk said... because it's kind. I've been in the same situation many times. It's easier just to say that you have other lady friends even if it means telling a "white lie". There is no need to hurt someone's feelings. This unfortunate situation is one that occurs over and over and very often because one of the couple becomes too clingy. If they can't take no for an answer then you have to get increasingly blunt. But just not at the start.

Like the line in that old song said... "Let me down easy"

be nice but truthful (to a point) tell her you really enjoyed meeting her but that you didn't think there was going to be a relationship as you didn't feel a spark but if she wanted to be just friends that would be nice. Don't mention her weight but if she asks if it had anything to do with you choice LIE. Just say no, don't elaborate just deny, deny, deny. She must know it is a factor but being too honest will just make her & you feel bad.

YES. This is the kindest, and best, way to let her know. Honesty that you don't find her attractive. You don't need to give a reason.

With all due respect, please, please, don't do with what Muppet suggests. IMO, that sends mixed signals and just draws out the confusion that much longer, until she reaches the eventual conclusion that you're "not that into" her. Seriously. If you're going to go that route, might as well just do the ol' "cut off all contact" routine that many people do!

But no. I think it's better, and more mature, to follow Boo's advice.

ETA...LOL, finally read the rest of the thread...actually, yes, here in Thailand, using the ex boyfriend/girlfriend line might be more appropriate. Because I've noticed that when people in Thailand "break up," they almost never really break up...at least not the first ten times, so at least it's believable And yes, it lets her save face, and keeps her from being hurt. So, an acceptable lie, I think.

Some people think lying is wrong, and you should just say "I don't wanna date ya cause yo fat!" Well, I disagree. In fact, one might say it's pretty arrogant and douchey to say, "Well. I don't want to date you because you're [fill in the blank]." How self-centered does someone have to be to think the other party's going to give a crap why YOU don't want to date them? I'm just sayin'...

Edited December 16, 201015 yr by SadieMBeagle

Confess................. tell her that you are gay !!!! The date was just a cover but now you realise that you would hurt any woman who is with you not just her.

Tell her that you're contemplating a serious relationship with another man !

let her feel sorry for you and not herself