Nothing In My Name!

[Thaipwriter]

During a "heated discussion" with my TG the other day she announced that "everybody in her village" thinks she is stupid to stay with me because she has "nothing in her name".

Bit of background info here: meet girl in restraunt in Samui whilst on Holiday.

To cut a long story short i was bored rigid in England so i sold my house, car, tv etc etc and came to Thailand, bought a house ( deeds with thai company), car (my name) , motorcy ( my name) got a job.

Been here 5 months now and lady has lived with me all the time.

It has become more and more apparent that she is not happy but will not discuss what is bothering her. This situation has been going on for a couple of months.

During previously mentioned argument she asks me "why do i stay you?"

i reply: hopefully because you love me!

she says: you dont love me!

I say: i came half way round the world and gave you a life of luxury! (I dont cover her in money, she needs nothing but i dont pander to everthing she "wants")

she says: everything name you!

I say : Yes thats right because everything was bought with my money.

she says: everybody in my village laugh at me because they think i have farang with no money.

At that point of the discussion i went out for a ride on the moped to reflect on what i was hearing. (having spent more than 3 million baht on making a new life here i could hardly believe what i was hearing.)

When i returned after half an hour, pleasantries returned and nothing more was really said.

I dont really know what to do. part of me wants her to get her out of the house as I just feel like i am being used.

Part of me wants to find a way to fix the problem because it wont go away.

Part of me wants to know why the people in her village have expectations of "farangs" coming here and giving away millions of baht? And why I am "no good" because i did not.

Putting my assets in her name are not an option.

I dont really know what to do!

What would you guys say or do???

[meom]

Your money is your money so no need to put anything in her name if you don't want to.

My suggestion would be to set her up with a small business and then see if she can make a profit and earn something herself instead of waiting for hand-outs from you.

[Khun Jean]

Are you married?

[chechoie]

I dont really know what to do. part of me wants her to get her out of the house as I just feel like i am being used.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You gave me some advice before and I hope I am returning the favour here,

Tell her to go, you are being used.

This "sage" advice is based on many years in Thailand and the fact that the Thai lady, (now wife), I put my trust in has never in the 12 years I have know her asked me for any thing of any significance.

Yes I have bought land which had to be in her name, yes I am building a house which I will put in her name, but it is my choice, she never asked me to do this.

I may be the exception to the rule, I don't know, but there are some diamonds out there. Let this one go and cast your line out again.

[kayo]

During a "heated discussion" with my TG the other day she announced that "everybody in her village" thinks she is stupid to stay with me because she has "nothing in her name".

Bit of background info here: meet girl in restraunt in Samui whilst on Holiday.

To cut a long story short i was bored rigid in England so i sold my house, car, tv etc etc and came to Thailand, bought a house ( deeds with thai company), car (my name) , motorcy ( my name) got a job.

Been here 5 months now and lady has lived with me all the time.

It has become more and more apparent that she is not happy but will not discuss what is bothering her. This situation has been going on for a couple of months.

During previously mentioned argument she asks me "why do i stay you?"

i reply: hopefully because you love me!

she says: you dont love me!

I say: i came half way round the world and gave you a life of luxury! (I dont cover her in money, she needs nothing but i dont pander to everthing she "wants")

she says: everything name you!

I say : Yes thats right because everything was bought with my money.

she says: everybody in my village laugh at me because they think i have farang with no money.

At that point of the discussion i went out for a ride on the moped to reflect on what i was hearing. (having spent more than 3 million baht on making a new life here i could hardly believe what i was hearing.)

When i returned after half an hour, pleasantries returned and nothing more was really said.

I dont really know what to do. part of me wants her to get her out of the house as I just feel like i am being used.

Part of me wants to find a way to fix the problem because it wont go away.

Part of me wants to know why the people in her village have expectations of "farangs" coming here and giving away millions of baht? And why I am "no good" because i did not.

Putting my assets in her name are not an option.

I dont really know what to do!

What would you guys say or do???

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Putting the assets in her name... Agreed.. By the sound of it... BAD IDEA.

Well,.... unless you want to lose it all.

Re: The bit Highlighted above.

LOVE = ??????? (farang meaning)

LOVE = ??????? (ThaiG. Meaning)

Look before you walk.

She is most likely upset because of the lack of IMAGE she portrays around the village.

It doesn´t matter if she is not wanting for anything, or indeed, if she is living a life of luxury.

If she has nothing to show for it, (and yes, you would be considered next to nothing) than she looks bad infront of family community etc...

I don{t have a right or wrong answer for you, but it sounds like:

If you want to stay with her, or even if you wish to seperate, move.

Get well away from the community she grew up in, and don´t even live in a similar community.

If moving is not an option, then sign something over to her, but risk losing it all... Which you prob will do (lose) judging by the one sided version I hear of your story.

edit: Meom and Chechoie both posted as I was (sorry... didn{t look) Both of them give you sound advise.

Edited August 20, 2005 by kayo

[Khun Jean]

I don't think it is a lack of image, but more a lack of security. If there is no commitment to her, she will be afraid you will leave her for someone else.

As someone already pointed out "Love" has very different meaning here. Here it can not go without security.

[Guest endure]

http://www.dcothai.com/product_info.php?products_id=521 is worth a read.

[meom]

Are you married?

Not sure if your question was directed at me but anyway for your info I'm not married. Just living together with the thai missus for the last 10 yrs or so.

[Khun Jean]

Meom, no it was a question to the OP. It is a very important detail i think.

[Explorer]

OP mentioned TG, so my guess is not married

Explorer

[meom]

Meom, no it was a question to the OP. It is a very important detail i think.

Depends the person in question I suppose. Looking to myself and the GF we're not married but I never had any problems with it to put things in her name.

Worst that can happen is that you loose everything and that doesn't bother me.

[loong]

Here we go again

Thaipwriter,

you are going to get the ususal advice after a post like this - She's only after your money, kick her out etc. etc.

Now, we only know what you have told us.

We have no idea how old you two are or if she gave up working to be with you.

Do you both look at this as a lifelong relationship?

Look at this from her point of view. At the moment, she has nothing. If you stay together for 10 years and you decide to trade her in for a younger model, you will leave her with nothing. In ten years time, she will be older and it may not be too easy for her. She may well be thinking of the future and wants some security. The points made by Kayo re image will also come into play.

If you are serious about this relationship, then I suggest that you start thinking the same as you would if you were part of a couple in your own country.

If you have an income (pension, investments), then put by a % every month to buy a piece of land in her name. Maybe open a bank account in her name and save it there. It doesn't have to be a large sum of money, just what you can afford. If she is not happy with this then obviously listen to the alarm bells. If you are not happy to do this, then maybe you are not ready to commit to the relationship.

What ever you do, do NOT sign over what is already in your name. That is asking for trouble.

[Khun Jean]

If not married and living in her village and nothing in her name.

This girl has nothing to show for. I don't know where this village is but would it not be a frowned upon by the villagers.

What did she have to do to go live with you. Return to her village. Give up her work, study. And if you end the relationship, what is in it for her. She will have to start from zero again.

In a village you have no anonimity as in a big city. These things are more gossiped about, what else is there to do. And she will have to endure all of it. But she should show a little more backbone and trust you more.

Think about her background, does she have a reason to not only "love" you and feel that is already enough. Some bad experiences by herself or friends/relatives that make her more unsecure about the relationship.

There can be a million reasons for her not being happy, she is a woman after all.

Living in a village, especially her village is an extra risk. You will have to accept you will be gossiped about. If the gossip is the reason, try to find a place away from relatives.

And it is about time to start SHARING!

Edited August 20, 2005 by Khun Jean

[Braccobaldo]

...in my opinion you're not being used.

...need to understand thai people (especially those living in villages)...I also live in a "medium" village by almost seven years and many times this happen.

Common thinking is that falan have to " proof " that really love his thailady and that he's not "joking" with she.

This proof sort out only with material possession....I think that even if the lady really love falan but gets nothing, than all the people around would make her life impossible telling her she's only lose time and face.

.."stay for what with falan if you don't have nothing??..one day him left you and what you will do?".

And I do understand them, also.

Solutions??...give her something, gradually, if you really love she and if you can afford this..you too, you will be very well considered.

Otherwise better don't get serious relationship. Problems will follow.

As me I choose for the second...

[TRIPxCORE]

A man and woman are supposed to be together because they want to be and love each other. If she is worried about money and security, tell her to get a job. This is a tricky situation for you. Why does she want to be with you? Is it because you are a farang and she thinks you have money to provide to her? Or does she want to be with you because she loves you? If it's because of choice number one, then I would not stay with her because this means that she really feels nothing for you but saw an opportunity to raise her standard of life in the world and is only using you to get it.

Be smart.

[tuky]

If this comment is acurate then you need to take action.

she says: everybody in my village laugh at me because they think i have farang with no money.

Ask her, no tell her that if you bye bye her it will look even worse for her.

[chuchok]

If this comment is acurate then you need to take action.

she says: everybody in my village laugh at me because they think i have farang with no money.

Ask her, no tell her that if you bye bye her it will look even worse for her.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Exactly!!

Danger Will Robinson..danger.

[chechoie]

Loong, You cant’ have it both ways, you can’t say :

“Here we go again”,

“you are going to get the usual advice after a post like this - She's only after your money, kick her out etc. etc”.

“Look at this from her point of view. At the moment, she has nothing”.

And then say:

“What ever you do, do NOT sign over what is already in your name. That is asking for trouble”.

(And I don’t think, I’ve taken your post out of context).

Khun Jean,

“If not married and living in her village and nothing in her name.

This girl has nothing to show for”.

“And it is about time to start SHARING”!

[B]They’ve only been together 5 months![/b]“

There can be a million reasons for her not being happy, she is a woman after all.”

Not disrespect to the females, but yeah I agree!

Again, correct me if I’m wrong but, not taken out of context, I don’t think.

Sun Outage,

“...in my opinion you're not being used.

...need to understand thai people (especially those living in villages)...I also live in a "medium" village by almost seven years and many times this happen.

Common thinking is that falan have to " proof " that really love his thailady and that he's not "joking" with she.

This proof sort out only with material possession....I think that even if the lady really love falan but gets nothing, than all the people around would make her life impossible telling her she's only lose time and face.

.."stay for what with falan if you don't have nothing??..one day him left you and what you will do?".

And I do understand them, also”.

First of all I’m sure that the OP does not care what some people in a Thai village think about his 5 month relationship with a Thai lady.

Maybe after a long relationship and a bit of commitment on both sides this may become a cultural factor to consider.

“Solutions??...give her something, gradually, if you really love she and if you can afford this..you too, you will be very well considered”.

Thank you,

Thaipwriter,

Original advice still stands.

[Thaipwriter]

Right! ....back again, been to watch my beloved Birmingham City get beat at home by an average Man City.

Well thanks for all the advice so far, we are not married and if i really think about it I reckon she loves the top of the range Nokia more than she loves me!

I understand that she needs to feel some security, at the same time, so do I. I quit England to come here at the age of 36 ( she is 23) I am not a GBP millionaire so I still have to work and provide food for both of us. The pressure is well and truly on me to make sure we have enough to see us ok for long term.

I got her a job through a business partner and she earns around 5000 a month and i match the money that she works for baht for baht. 10,000 baht a month makes a girl in Khon Kaen practically "HI SO". the average wage here is 5k a month for a 6 day a week office based job.

Ws dont live near to her parents, their in Nam Phong about 30 clicks North of KK.

Anyways....

In the UK i have been plain broke and had girlfriends who supported me through real hard times. Now times are better I find myself with somebody who appears to be driven by cash. I dont think for one minute that this girl would stay with me if i had no money, no house, no car, she says she would but i just dont believe her.

Time to say goodbye I think

[AmeriThai]

I think it would be a bad idea to put things in the name of a TG. What happens if she decides to part company sometime down the road? It'd be much different if there was a registered marriage. If Thaipwriter wants to put a couple of minor thing in her name or add her name jointly, maybe okay. But I'd recommend nothing that he can't afford to lose.

Even if there was a registered marriage, I'd still suggest to go it very slow and keep some primary assets in reserve in case things ever came to an end.

Still I can see how some of her friends might squawk to her about things. A lot of Thai women seem to thrive on gossip, etc. So they might well be cackling on at her about it. That's not to say all Thai women are members of the neighborhood henhouse though.

Edited August 20, 2005 by AmeriThai

[Boo]

sorry, 5 months??? Tell her to get her own money, house, car, motorbike etc. 5 months is nothing, you might not even be with her in a year so why on earth would you start handing over your house & possesions. Yes, she may be scared that you are going to go off with another women but this can happen in any relationship & I presume she had a job before you came along?? If you were married & had kids then I agree, she would need some security as the balance in a relationship between a western man & a thai women in the majority of cases are heavily stacked in his favour (financially) & a little protection wouldn't go amiss, but she's a girlfriend of 5 months not the monther of your children or your loyal & loving wife.

I would also be concerned with the fact that she is so easily led by people in her village at this early stage of your relationship, image whats going to happen in a year or two when marriage & sin sod are being discussed??

Sorry to sound so negative but you are obviously concerned about this so I thought I would write the first thoughts that came into my head on reading your post

[Thaipwriter]

Look at this from her point of view. At the moment, she has nothing.

Well she has money in her pocket's and the keys to a really nice home, she has keys to a motorcy and clothes to wear. he has credit on her mobile and BUPA healthcare. i would let her drive the car, but i think she would kill too many pedestrians

Her parents sleep on the floor in a corrugated iron shack. for sure she lives in luxury. so why does she have a long face on her??????

Am i wrong in thinking that she is just an ungrateful bas+ard???

[johng]

she says: everybody in my village laugh at me because they think i have farang with no money.

And how would everyone in the village come to that conclusion ???

would it be because she told them so ???

stay for what with falan if you don't have nothing??..

That sound really quite racist to me...why would it be any "worse" to be with a poor farung than a poor Thai ???

one day him left you and what you will do

Yesh, well one day she might actully learn how to fend for herself

that's assuming she doesn't find a more " Jai dee" man and leave first....

Thaipwriter..please don't be pressured into signing away your rights..it's your money and you're entitled to do with it as you please...the louder she complains about having nothing to show for being with you,to me just goes to shows what her real intentions behind the relationship are.

[easy_jim]

Five months is not a long relationship so for sure keep everything you have in your own name. Three likely reasons for her wanting things in her name

1) As a display of your love and trust in her.

2) She wants security in case some time in the future your relationship falls apart.

3) She wants to screw you over.

Only you can make that judgement. However in her defence remember that things are not the same here as in the UK - for Thais (especially from rural Thailand) there is a relationship between love and money. Also it will be important to your girlfriend that her home village thinks she is valued and can give money to her family.

I don't think you have to rush to make a decision. Don't sign anything over to her and let her make the next move. If she loves you she will stay around. If she is out to screw you she will give up when she sees nothing is coming her way.

[Ice Maiden]

I quite like what Tukyleith suggested! . I'd say something to that effect. And aswell as what Boo said.

If she does screw you over on the money situation and you post on here asking for a lawyer, no sympathy granted. You just get a FOOL label from me.

[Thaipwriter]

I quite like what Tukyleith suggested!  . I'd say something to that effect. And aswell as what Boo said.

If she does screw you over on the money situation and you post on here asking for a lawyer, no sympathy granted. You just get a FOOL label from me. 

I have a good lawyer already

Like I said earlier, putting things in her name is not an option ........

unless...............all the people in her village can put 3 million baht in the bank....under my name.........then i will put the house in her name!

my me bahn hah

[Fast Eddie]

You should think yourself fortunate that she has betrayed her motivations in this way, thereby saving you from wasting any more of your time on her. It sounds as if you are not happy to have a relationship where her main motivation for being involved with you is a financial one, many others in Thailand seem to be happy with such an arrangement. Therefore, you should move on and find somebody who genuinely cares about you first and foremost, and money secondary.

[Thaipwriter]

she says: everybody in my village laugh at me because they think i have farang with no money.

she claimed that she she sat and cried with her mother when she heard what people were saying about her.

The thing is "these people in her village" are not exactly well educated. The day I met them, none of them knew who Adolf Hitler was! But they seem to know plenty about what i should and should not be doing with my life savings!!!!

This is what i cant get my head round!!!!

[Thaipwriter]

You should think yourself fortunate that she has betrayed her motivations in this way, thereby saving you from wasting any more of your time on her. It sounds as if you are not happy to have a relationship where her main motivation for being involved with you is a financial one, many others in Thailand seem to be happy with such an arrangement. Therefore, you should move on and find somebody who genuinely cares about you first and foremost, and money secondary.

good point, thanks

as a young guy i dont want to feel as though i am buying the attentions of girls, i did not have to do it in England, so why the F()&K should I do it here. If I was an old guy for sure i would pay.....a would still carry the grin that some of these old boys carry......i guess its an ego thing really

can i find this person in Thailand??

[Khun Jean]

I can imaging what the gossip is about.

"Look at this girl. She has a farang husband, they live together and have sex and there not married, what a scandal. It is incredible something like this is happening in our village. This girl must be stupid, she doesn't even have a house or land or anything. I don't understand this girl. If i were her i would demand something. Her mother must also be crazy to let her daughter go live together with a farang. Probably have no morals at all." etc. etc. etc.

It realy can wear people down.

Gossip can do a lot of damage when you don't have a strong enough character. I suggest to counter it with some facts and let her see that she is way better of now than al the others gossiping around.