Girlfriend's Parent's Causing Major Issues

[SeekingAdvice]

Firstly I'll explain the situation me and my girlfriend are currently in, I am 21 year's old and have been in Thailand for coming up to 1 year and have been seeing my girlfriend for almost 7 months of that. My girlfriend is 19 year's old (20 in 15days, 09May).

Now I met my girlfriend in a bar.. where she was working while visiting her mum (her mother owns the bar) I got to know her and we started to click... long story short... she was working 7 days a week from 10am->closing (2-5am) with small breaks to shower/eat not exactly the best for either of us. So after maybe 4month's of courting... AkA me asking her mother if she can have time off work to go to the cinema or go to the beach with me.. and usually she would allow it 1 time a week (if that) but always during the day and never after dark so she would not look like a bar girl (her mothers words) , now this to me is ludicrous she is making her daughter look like a bar girl by making her work there practically 24/7 almost like a slave. Now I had no issue with her working but as the relationship progressed both myself and her wanted more from each other...but the mother didn't approve (mainly from my eyes as she's losing staff and a pretty face from her bar). So eventually we started to sneak around and after she would finish work at 2-5am I would go to her parents house and pick her up without them knowing.... this was working well for awhile but was just not practical and not what either of us wanted in the end.

So around mid Jan she decided to finish work and go back home, now this was all a lie so she could move in with me (now please I understand how bad this is, but this was not what I wanted and since the beginning have told her its wrong.. yet she insists any other way is impossible and would result her being sent back home. So we started living together... our relationship got much better and we really have strong feelings for each other... but because of this horrible lie we had to avoid certain areas.. which constantly put pressure on the relationship as we couldn't go to certain parts of town or socialize with our friends everything was a struggle as she was basically hiding from her parents. (again I want to stress totally at her own will) I complain to her regularly eventually we need to stop the lies and fix our problems one way or another... Now me being western I see this as an easy problem to fix but she doesn't and its impossible.

So 3 months pass and we are doing great, everything except this horrible lie is fine... until 3 hours ago when her mother and stepfather came to my house and dragged her away threatening me with police and actually calling them in front of me at 3am, now they got very serious, shouting asking why I look at them like a buffalo when in fact it's not me but their daughter.. the mother gets pushy with me and I ask them to calm down in Thai as my neighbors are sleeping and to please exit my house. Which they did, but with my girlfriend in hand. (by the way, when they came around she was showering and they just barged in and practically forced her to get dressed and took her away).

So now I'm extremely concerned as the parents are going to the police in the morning (well a few hours) to file a complain I would imagine against me... and from the words of my girlfriend her mum wants me to go to the "monkey house". Now I panicked and went to see my Thai friend at 4am who happens to be an extremely helpful person to know.... So in 50minutes I'm going to meet a lawyer and a policeman (my friend) to talk about the situation and what can/can't happen. Now me and my girlfriend have done nothing wrong from what I can see (legally), morally you could disagree since we lied to her parents for over 3 months. But what worries me the most is the fact that after all I am just another falang in the LoS and perhaps the police will take the side of my girlfriends parents and this whole thing costing me a lot of money/time (in jail).

Now from what I can tell and have been told, her parents are not happy because we are not married... neither me or my girlfriend wish to get married as we have been only seeing each other for 7months... but It all seems from my perspective that its all money based, when we first met an old Thai lady who owns business's in the area told me her mother wants 500,000B for sin sot, now after being told this we had a major argument since I refuse to give her mother anything as I know the sin sot would not be used correctly even if we were to get married. Now I've been told to just buy a ring for 200,000B for engagement and the girlfriend said we will sell it back I don't want money I just want to be with you. From my perspective it seems like the mother is just trying to extract cash from me for her daughter which I refuse to do, especially since she has been extremely horrible to me practically since we met, yet she says she likes me and It's me that has the problem (even though I spent 4months courting her daughter trying to win the heart of not just her but her mother too) So eventually I gave up on her mother and just practically said she's dead to me.

That's the basics to the drama that went on last night, any insights on my predicament would be great!

Going for a shower now as in 30minutes I'm meeting a lawyer and then probably going to the police station hopefully before my girlfriends mother gets there and perhaps tells lies..

Also... my Thai friend told me that her mother is basically blackmailing me with threats of the police also physical/mental threats since I haven't returned home tonight in case there were people waiting for me..in the end I feel as though I personally have done nothing wrong other than agree to go along with the lie, which is the mothers own fault to be honest because if she would of just allowed her daughter to live her life and not treat her like a slave we wouldn't of needed to lie.

so yep any advice would be great... I'll probably be checking for replies from the police station.... Thank you for taking the time to read and hopefully reply to my post.

[SeekingAdvice]

Just wanted to add the whole situation is horrible because either I go to jail/lose alot of money or my girlfriend loses her family which is a horrible thing for me to cause.... Argh maybe buying a ring and then selling it is the answer but it's principle which stops me from doing that

Tired, upset and unsure what to do

[xbusman]

Whew, so much drama. Relax, take a chill pill, welcome to Thailand. Been here a whole year and just now getting the hang of things?

You have broken no laws, you have behaved in fine Thai tradition of sneaking around parents and creating a web of lies and deceit. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

The only way you can go to jail is if the parents pay a lot of money for some corrupt policeman to harass you. The chance of that is none to barely registering on the scale. For a few thousand baht you can pay the same policeman to harass the family for having an underage girl work in a bar.

The only way you can lose money is if you pull it out of your wallet and throw it around. Hopefully you are smarter than that.

The only way a fine upstanding Issarn family will lose a daughter that can produce revenue is if she passes away, not much chance of that.

Here is some great advice on what to do. Make some strong coffee, have a good breakfast. Turn off your cellphone (IMPORTANT!). Put on some good music and have a great day. Dont answer calls for at least a week (in fact dont turn on your cellphone), go out every night, bask in the sun every day.

Here is the deal. Either you are in a negotiation for money or the parents really do not want you. I would seriously doubt that the parents do not want you but it is possible. If the parents do not want you, you simply have to walk away for more reasons than you could possibly know. If its a negotiation for money, understand that it will never end and if you want any chance for survival you better set the limits right now.

This is some really great advice and like all good advice, you should ignore everything and learn the hard way. Best of luck.

[chiangmaibruce]

Excellent advice from Xbusman

[sbk]

Seems this is more appropriate for another forum as this one is FOR women in Thailand not about women in Thailand

moving to General

[Tonto21]

Whew, so much drama. Relax, take a chill pill, welcome to Thailand. Been here a whole year and just now getting the hang of things?

You have broken no laws, you have behaved in fine Thai tradition of sneaking around parents and creating a web of lies and deceit. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

The only way you can go to jail is if the parents pay a lot of money for some corrupt policeman to harass you. The chance of that is none to barely registering on the scale. For a few thousand baht you can pay the same policeman to harass the family for having an underage girl work in a bar.

The only way you can lose money is if you pull it out of your wallet and throw it around. Hopefully you are smarter than that.

The only way a fine upstanding Issarn family will lose a daughter that can produce revenue is if she passes away, not much chance of that.

Here is some great advice on what to do. Make some strong coffee, have a good breakfast. Turn off your cellphone (IMPORTANT!). Put on some good music and have a great day. Dont answer calls for at least a week (in fact dont turn on your cellphone), go out every night, bask in the sun every day.

Here is the deal. Either you are in a negotiation for money or the parents really do not want you. I would seriously doubt that the parents do not want you but it is possible. If the parents do not want you, you simply have to walk away for more reasons than you could possibly know. If its a negotiation for money, understand that it will never end and if you want any chance for survival you better set the limits right now.

This is some really great advice and like all good advice, you should ignore everything and learn the hard way. Best of luck.

+ 1

[bunta71]

You are way too naive to be dealing with police here. Never go to them for help. That is not what they do here.

[soundman]

This is the angle (I think - you may want to check the age issue, it has come on numerous occasions on this forum before.):

Age of majority is Thailand is 20 years old. Until that age, theoretically, a juvenile needs their parents permission to do anything.

So the scenario the mother is working on is her daughter staying at your house, being under the age of 20, without her parents permission.

To the (perceived) letter of law, you have deprived the young girl's parents of their daughter's presence. In essence, kidnapping or something similar.

In reality I have never seen any actual cases involving a foreigner, however, I have seen many Thai's co-erced into marrriage, or money extorted under the above scenario.

[WAYNEandAEI]

Forget the mother forget the girl and move on..just too hard...

[PattayaParent]

^when did they change the age of majority to 20?

[Mario2008]

Age of majority is 21 in Thailand. The girl is still a minor and the OP can be charged with holding her from her parents.

Age of consent is I believe 15 in Thailand, but consent can be revoked after the "event" in case of a minor.

[mstribling]

Xbusman- best advice of the year.

[kerryk]

^when did they change the age of majority to 20?

I think you need parental consent to get a passport, get married or sign a business deal if under 20 years of age.

You can search "Parental Consent" for further information.

[IanForbes]

Sad as it may seem, you have received excellent advice here. Learn one truth about Thaiand... FAMILY COMES FIRST! Everything else is a distant second. No matter what a girl might tell you and how many times she says she loves you, she will still put her family first. Eventhe poor young girls whose parents have sold them into sexual slavery still put their family first. It is hard to understand, but it is the truth. Sometimes, you can buy your way out of the situation, but It comes with a VERY high price tag. If the girl wants to leave her family then only she can decide that. Most often they don't. You are only 21 and hopefully you will have many loves in your life. Don't jump off the bridge on this one.

[happyrobert]

Move on, move quickly, move quietly.

Take a copy of your post and start a new life as a novelist.

You've almost complete your first one!

[MegaRanter]

You are too young for the bar scene and getting a gf from a 10km radius of a bar.

Let me tell you, you can do a lot better.

You see those super hot young girls in nice cars? Ok, they are mostly available and if their parents like you, you will be a real family to them. If you are really into the 'love' thing.

Put on some nice clothes, and go to places like Escobar on thonglor, they will trip all over you.

[trisailer]

Seekingadvice

You took a huge risk by sharing your story here and I want to respond to you directly without reading any of the other replies. I have a son who is 27 now and I will tell you what I would tell him with all the same compassion and empathy I would have for him.

What you have done is sit down at a high stakes poker game that you have not yet developed the skills to stand a chance of winning. You are loosing, get up from the table and learn how to play. After you learn something, and get some confidence come back and try it again. Expect to loose again and again untill you get it right. This situation your in has nothing to do with "them" and everything to do with you. This is a dangerous game, that's why we love it so. You will know when you are getting it when your winning hands will produce more than your loosing hands and you will be ahead. This is a game which will eat you alive if you don't learn how to play.

You sound like a smart guy. take a step back and give yourself a chance to learn. Read your own post over and try to think how you might advise another guy that you love. sit quietly. You are experencing the wonderful power of your emotions and you can see this as a chance to harness them and make them work for you.

Good luck and welcome to Thailand.

ps went back and read replies and complety agree with xbusman as a practical approach. (as opposed to my touchy feely, new age, liberal rambling)

pss. Here's another more practical precsription. Go listen to Chevelle "The Red" as loud as you can stand it. Then Creed; "Bullets" ("At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head") repeat until you "get it" I just did and very healing.

Edited April 28, 2011 by trisailer

[mrjohndub]

^lol on the 'go listen to creed' advice.

i don't want to repeat too much of the same stuff that's already been said, but i would just find some way to forget about it all and move on. nothing truly satisfying will likely result from this for you, sorry to say...

the good news is, you're young and (sounds like you) have the means to go out and find another lady, no sweat. this time, try meeting one that is not on-the-job and is just out having fun.

good luck!

[TheLaughingMan]

Op I know you dont want to hear this and youre very young so you will ignore it but the problem is you are dating a bar girl.... and you are getting all the headaches that come from doing that. You should be dating nice girls whose families will not abuse you. Its your choice and you are making the wrong one...

[krading]

This reminded me of an almost identical post from last year, year before.

Is SeekingAdvice the reincarnation of an earlier member?

I'm sure someone will be able to dredge up the original post for us to compare.

[Beetlejuice]

For those that do not have experience with ladies in Thailand, take a look at this and make a copy for your reference in the future:

Edited April 28, 2011 by Beetlejuice

[samran]

For those that do not have experience with ladies in Thailand, take a look at this and make a copy for your reference in the future:

LOVE IT!!

Still, no column there for the 'mad as a cut snake' variety. Why?

[transam]

I thought until a girl/boy reaches 20 they are under the control of the parents. If any have a problem with the BiB under 20 then the parents are involved, we had probs with my mrs daughter under 20 and the parents were dragged in, she is 22 now and nooooo problem now for the parents UNLESS money can sort it. The daughter at 19 moved in with a low life at his parents house and the mrs went to the police and an order was given by them that the parents of the boy had responsibility for the girl if there is any hassle.

[moe666]

No reply from OP the whole story sounds to convtrived to be true. Another wind-up

[Berkshire]

For those that do not have experience with ladies in Thailand, take a look at this and make a copy for your reference in the future:

I'm sorry Beetlejuice, but that chart has got to be the most bogus and misleading chart around (I've seen it before). Regarding Thai women's English proficiency, there is no correlation between level of education and fluency in English. If anything, there's an inverse relationship, i.e., the more English they can speak, the less educated they are. I've met MANY highly educated Thai women--and I'm talking Master's and PhD's--very intelligent and well spoken women, all of whom speak little to no English. Makes sense if they did all of their university studies in Thailand. And then there are the countless bargirls who ply their trade in the predominantly tourist districts, many of whom never finished high school, yet, speak rather good English (albeit bargirl English) and can converse effectively. There are exceptions, of course (and I'm sure someone will bring it up), but the vast majority of university-educated Thai girls simply do not speak very much English.

[snarky66]

Stay away from her. If she loves you she will break ties with her mother & she will come find you.

Move to a different city from the mother so no more late night surprises. Start looking for a place now.

In 1 year & 15 days she will be totally free.

Edited April 28, 2011 by snarky66

[Beetlejuice]

Some other points and I`m extremely serious about this:

Being a bargirl you should know what her job involves, so never take the risk and have unprotected sex with her and if you do decide to settle down with this girl, have her tested for HIV prior to living with her.

Now, would I lie to you?

[travelmann]

What a load of old waffle, just dump her and move on.

[Beetlejuice]

What a load of old waffle, just dump her and move on.

Of course it`s a load of old waffle, but it`s fun.

I mean, would anyone really take this seriously.

Tune in to next week`s exciting episode when the OP falls in love with a Nun, cousin of bar girl.

[RudieTheFoodie]

Whew, so much drama. Relax, take a chill pill, welcome to Thailand. Been here a whole year and just now getting the hang of things?

You have broken no laws, you have behaved in fine Thai tradition of sneaking around parents and creating a web of lies and deceit. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

The only way you can go to jail is if the parents pay a lot of money for some corrupt policeman to harass you. The chance of that is none to barely registering on the scale. For a few thousand baht you can pay the same policeman to harass the family for having an underage girl work in a bar.

The only way you can lose money is if you pull it out of your wallet and throw it around. Hopefully you are smarter than that.

The only way a fine upstanding Issarn family will lose a daughter that can produce revenue is if she passes away, not much chance of that.

Here is some great advice on what to do. Make some strong coffee, have a good breakfast. Turn off your cellphone (IMPORTANT!). Put on some good music and have a great day. Dont answer calls for at least a week (in fact dont turn on your cellphone), go out every night, bask in the sun every day.

Here is the deal. Either you are in a negotiation for money or the parents really do not want you. I would seriously doubt that the parents do not want you but it is possible. If the parents do not want you, you simply have to walk away for more reasons than you could possibly know. If its a negotiation for money, understand that it will never end and if you want any chance for survival you better set the limits right now.

This is some really great advice and like all good advice, you should ignore everything and learn the hard way. Best of luck.

+ 1

Couldn't of phrased that any better

Good Luck!