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To Catch A Cheater

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I was startled by a knock on the door yesterday morning by a friend I have known a number of years, and he wasn't particularly happy.

He has a suspicion that his wife of 5 years is doing something behind his back. but cannot prove anything one way or the other.

He wanted to confront her, and I told him that was the worst thing he could do. I asked him what evidence he had and this is what he told me:

- She regularly goes to all-night card games at her friends house.

- When he calls her during the night, she doesn't like to take the call and often it is unusually quiet, not what you would expect from a card game. The reason she gives for not wanting to talk is it breaks her concentration.

- Her friends she goes out with have had in the past or still have more than 1 boyfriend to suppliment themselves.

- When she came home (eventually) on sunday morning she only wanted to sleep.

- She had been out since Friday night.

- When she changed and went to bed she did so in the shower and with the door locked (unusual behaviour).

- The previous month she spent 15,000 baht with no explanation

- After she had been asleep for about an hour, he decided to tidy up the bathroom and noticed her underpants had a stain in them. They hadn't had sex for three days.

I gave him the following advice:

Under no circunstance confront her with it, you will only lose, particularly if it is all innocent. I used to play cards, and the phone ringing used to drive me bananas, particularly if I was counting cards. The money could have been for anything. Also the "Stain" could just be an accumulation of sweat, sitting on her butt all night playing cards would do that. Finally he should start to take more of an interest in what she is doing and go to the card games with her, even if he only reads a book.

The final reason he is so angry is because they are trying for a baby, not jealousy. His point is if it makes her happy to go and do that, so be it, but he doesn't want another man's child or disease.

So what are your thoughts.

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Out from Fri nite to Sun morning? That alone would set off alarm bells. Sounds like she has a gambling problem or is up to no good. Hard to say since this is merely suspicions - best bet is to go with her, and see what sort of reaction that brings. (smth is up she wont want him to come)

15000bht most likely lost in gambling!

You gave sound advice, not lot you can do on the little info he does have.

I think the one or two night card games are streaching it a bit. I had a few all night ones, but it pretty infrequent, usually holiday time. I can just imagine if she had a thai husband and trying that. :o

I think the one or two night card games are streaching it a bit. I had a few all night ones, but it pretty infrequent, usually holiday time. I can just imagine if she had a thai husband and trying that. :D

Ain't that the truth! I can't believe what some guys let their wives/GF get away with here. :o

Ain't that the truth! I can't believe what some guys let their wives/GF get away with here. :o

Agreed. These people are called Invertebrates.

Raising a Baby takes two- all weekend card games will be out. I'd def delay any procreation untill that's settled. Benefit of the doubt on the infidelity issue unless proven otherwise. No trust=no relationship=no point and time to walk.

Just curious, in the reverse, would she accept his 'lost' weekends I wonder?

My friend of mine lives in China and his Girlfriend (Chinese) used to do the same. Can't for the life of me remember the name of the game but it is quite common to stay out all night and sometimes 2 nights. My friend wasn't worried about her seeing someone else, it was about her getting addicted to the gambling. Eventually, he told her to pack it in or pack her bags, as he wouldn't put up with it any more. That was 2 years ago and they're very happy now. As you can guess, she packed the Gambling in.

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I had a chat to him and his biggest problem is the unprotected sex, and secondly the "indifferent attitude". Interesting he said that if she wants to go and have some fun, that is fine, just as long as a condom is involved.

I don't think I would be that liberal in my attitude.

I think the one or two night card games are streaching it a bit. I had a few all night ones, but it pretty infrequent, usually holiday time. I can just imagine if she had a thai husband and trying that. :D

Ain't that the truth! I can't believe what some guys let their wives/GF get away with here. :o

Ditto.

I had a chat to him and his biggest problem is the unprotected sex, and secondly the "indifferent attitude". Interesting he said that if she wants to go and have some fun, that is fine, just as long as a condom is involved...

Jesus H Christ! Unbelievable!

My advice: Go with her to the card games. If she won't let you, dump her - you've lost 5 years, time to start again. Plenty more fish in the sea, chickens in the bar, etc.

Doesn't he remember what feeling loved by someone feels like? Sounds like he's settled for a loveless marriage. He doesn't have to.

I had a chat to him and his biggest problem is the unprotected sex, and secondly the "indifferent attitude". Interesting he said that if she wants to go and have some fun, that is fine, just as long as a condom is involved.

I don't think I would be that liberal in my attitude.

You've been around the block a coupla times mate, are you perhaps doing a subtle tolling???

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You've been around the block a coupla times mate, are you perhaps doing a subtle tolling???

Bronco;

actually, no, If I was doing the Troll, I would have put it in the general forum.

## After Edit,

I was seeking opinions, and I think my advice still stands go to the card games with her.

You've been around the block a coupla times mate, are you perhaps doing a subtle tolling???

Bronco;

actually, no, If I was doing the Troll, I would have put it in the general forum.

I was trying to get the scone around this one, your partner goes out wont take your calls or is disinterested for a coupla days and must use protection when having fun :o:D:D:D:D:D

Well mattnich, I know quite a few families where the wife is a major gambler, and the husband is Thai. So, it doesn't just happen to farang. "stains" can come from many things, not just sex so that isn't really proof of infidelity. However, she does sound very similar in pattern to my brother-in-law who is a gambling addict and spends days away from home. To be honest, heavy gamblers don't always cheat, usually takes their valuable time and money away from the game.

That said, she doesn't really sound like the kind of woman that it would be good to have a child with, most of the heavy gamblers I know (and I know lots, men and women) may go through periods where they quit but seem to, inevitably, head back to the game. Its actually very sad. Just as bad as alcoholism in its destructiveness. In the US there is GA (Gamblers anonymous) but I somehow seriously doubt there is anything like that here.

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<snip>your partner goes out<snip>

Not my little Tiger Shark, for us the family that plays together - stays together. Worst thing she has done in recent memory was make the hamburgers too spicy the other night. But washed down with a few beers, they were quite nice :o

sorry mate I didnt mean yours, it was a generalisation

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sorry mate I didnt mean yours, it was a generalisation

No offence at all. I thought you were generailzing, particularly as you and your missus knows my little Tiger Shark.

I wanted to set the record straight as by the time I get home and have some dinner, this thread could have gone anywhere.

sorry mate I didnt mean yours, it was a generalisation

No offence at all. I thought you were generailzing, particularly as you and your missus knows my little Tiger Shark.

I wanted to set the record straight as by the time I get home and have some dinner, this thread could have gone anywhere.

you got it Matt. :o

If you want sound advice from an old codger (sound advice that the codger has been unable to hold several times - much to his regret), read this:

Never - repeat - never get involved in other's relationships.

You will never know the half of the truth and, as a result, your advice will invariably, irreparably change your relationship with one or both of them - for the worse, if not finish it completely.

your friend should seek the services of a competent thai private detective to watch her over the course of one of her lost weekends.

It sounds bad even without knowing what she is doing.

It sounds to me like your friend is trying to argue himself out of the relationship without wanting to take responsibility for doing so himself. Don't shoulder the decision! Give him your honest opinion of the situation without giving advice one way or the other- it's just a recipe for being blamed for the bad results one way or the other.

However, if this is the situation that has persisted for a long time, then I'd say: don't throw good money (time) after bad. Time to look for new partner. And for god's sake it's not the time to have children when the relationship itself is in question.

If your friend is only worrying if his woman is protecting herself during sexual intercourse then surely the relationship has already failed somewhere.

Your question is how to catch a cheater isn't it? To be honest if these issues in the relationship can not be talked about together as a couple and he has to go as far as to catch her out then something is also wrong there.

Where is the communication and trust?

And what about the feelings for this woman? Have they died out? I say this because he only cares for his own protection when this relationship appears to be falling apart from what I have read.

Agree with Icey and a few other posters. Seems there is some problem - whether Gambling Addiction or Infidelity. Either way, not the best environment in which to bring up as nipper. Relationships are about trust; if its not there, then time to move on...His attitude stinks too, he seems only concerned with himself catching a disease or gaining another's kid - he should be more concerned with the fidelity (if it exists) and the loss of love - again not a good environment for a youngen.

I am more inclined to think Gambing Addiction is likely, because it matches up with a Thai woman I know who often spends days at a time away gambling - she has lost an absolute fortune (including several homes and a fair crop of land) gambling. You'd never know it to look at her. Between bouts - usually when out of money - she is the perfect housewife. This couple are both Thai and in their forties.

He could always have had a blood group test done on the 'stain' (cheaper than DNA). Or cheaper, pay some little erk a few reddies to watch her one time and report back.

......... However, she does sound very similar in pattern to my brother-in-law who is a gambling addict and spends days away from home. To be honest, heavy gamblers don't always cheat, usually takes their valuable time and money away from the game.

That said, she doesn't really sound like the kind of woman that it would be good to have a child with, most of the heavy gamblers I know (and I know lots, men and women) may go through periods where they quit but seem to, inevitably, head back to the game. Its actually very sad. ........

She "sounds" a lot like my ex-wife and I mean A LOT (Divorced after 10 years of this crap and no kids thank God). Gambling is/was a severe addiction for her. Disappearing all night or sometimes days. Yep, lost a small fortune. While I personally would advise not to give any advice to this "friend"....on this forum I will definitely say WALK AWAY while he still can. :o

your friend should seek the services of a competent thai private detective to watch her over the course of one of her lost weekends.

Stickman :o

Stickman

i dont think so.

should be a thai who can blend in a bit on a streetcorner.

dozens of p.i. agencies in bangkok , dont know where the op is located though.

My dad always said "You never know what is going on in another man's head and another man's bed".

My best advice to you mattnich, is to tell the guy that he needs to decide for himself what is best for him. Then back out, when you get involved in other people's problems then you are the one who ends up with the problem!

My dad always said "You never know what is going on in another man's head and another man's bed".

My best advice to you mattnich, is to tell the guy that he needs to decide for himself what is best for him. Then back out, when you get involved in other people's problems then you are the one who ends up with the problem!

Well said.

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<snip>tell the guy that he needs to decide for himself what is best for him. Then back out, when you get involved in other people's problems then you are the one who ends up with the problem!

Thanks SBK, so correct. I got drawn into it out of sympathy for my friend. I will make a conscious effort to keep to active listening only.

The only advice I have given was to go with her.

<snip>tell the guy that he needs to decide for himself what is best for him. Then back out, when you get involved in other people's problems then you are the one who ends up with the problem!

Thanks SBK, so correct. I got drawn into it out of sympathy for my friend. I will make a conscious effort to keep to active listening only.

The only advice I have given was to go with her.

Good idea, just keep out of it. Then be a real friend and be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong

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