Loners and Family Values​​.

[EirikJohannesen]

I have lived half my life here and do not think I have spent more money on my family here than I would use at home. I feel also accepted in the village I live, but true enough, I will always be a farang.

Yes I have a little trouble understanding why it is so difficult to give some money to the family, and I mean NOT hundreds of thousands, but a few thousand in a while.

You've spent half your life here, in a village where you will always be the Farang, and you are calling others "loners"?

And you berate others for not looking after their inlaw families financially because you give "a few thousand (once) in a while" ?

I do not anticipate that I change the color with the first . They are so used to me that nobody cares if I'm Thai or farang. I'm not a loner, I have great social relations with both Thai and farang.

Money large are just an example. It's not so easy to say how much each has to spend. I spend approx. 10% of the months of income on the parent in-laws, Norwegian attractive income

Edited June 9, 2011 by EirikJohannesen

[EirikJohannesen]

Hubby and I are both Americans. Hubby's parents died shortly after he graduated from college, and he was an only child, so I guess he was an "orphan". I didn't realize it when I decided to marry him, but family values were important. It became apparent when my parents fell on hard times, partly due their own decisions, and Hubby was the first to suggest that we give them a "loan". I was the one that insisted on them signing a promisory note form so we could prove that they actually owed us money. Once they asked for the third loan, I got my brother involved and together we did the "tough love" stuff mentioned by the previous posters. My brother drove their fancy cars back to the out-of-town leasing agent, figuring that fulfilled his requirement to "help out", leaving me to buy a suitable used car for them.

Things improved for a while, but my Dad lost his new job after a few years and once again Hubby offered up money without anyone really asking.

He wasn't especially close to my parents, but did it out of a sense that "he had married into the family". I still continue to be pleasantly surprised by his actions and I wish my parents had realized they aren't the norm.

I think the guys who have a "tough love" and "everyone should take care of themselves" mentality, also had failed relationships in the west. They use the term "loner". I'd use the term "loser" because of what they've lost (or never known).

Loser okay! There are probably many who have lived a lonely and sad life in his own country before they have dared to move here. The only thing they knows is provide for themselves. These simple souls have rarely intercourse with girls, they are terrified that someone will come into their life.

It's a big shock for them when they come into a Thai family without learning a dam_n thing about Thailand and marries the first bar girl after a week.

[elliss]

The Topic should be "Loners, now living a life in thailand"

lonleiness, is what brought most of us here ?

less we forget .

:jap:

[Tonto21]

I believe in giving everyone a fair crack of the whip; family,friends, acquaintances even strangers, (I really am a big softy) a genuine request for help, I will not turn away. I did help my Thai ex-wife's family, more than once, and no, not one sick buffalo in sight! I was happy to help. The fact is, I was very lucky; my ex-wife's families were only guilty of being poor.

However, farang or Thai, rich or poor, extended family or not…They get one go with me, take the piss and they can sling there hook!

OP, families are a two way street, give a little…..takea bit. But if you see someone as some sort of wanke_r for not supporting, (unconditionally) a NEW Thai family, when all that family want to do is hang, the new SIL up by the gonads and 'drip dry him' …………………Well, I've got just the girl for you, I've been promised 20% of everything she gets from anyone I hook her up with…………..Interested? PS; I hear her families are very friendly.

Make that 15% and I`ll take you up on your offer.

OK 'Beetlejuice' 15% it is, I'll put you on the books,just remember start of small…something like a rice-cooker and work your way up,slowly, ('Gently, gently catch a monkey') to, say something like a new hip for grandma.We can go from there.

I always start off small, but these days it takes a lot more to turn me on, so working it up big could be a problem.

So I'll tell you, she'd better be darmn attractive, otherwise the deals off.

A she? I would think you need too, (new career and all) be a little less demanding…….and a little more, "get em tiger"

Edited June 9, 2011 by Tonto21

[IanForbes]

Since you brought it up I will reply. Different families different values. Everyone deals with the same family problem different and every family develops different ways of dealing with problems and helping.

I am a loner and proud of it. My family values were such that a man must first and formost be able to take care of himself and not be a burden to others. First you take care of yourself. Second you take care of those close to you( immediate family) Third you take care of extented family. Fourth you assist the community. It is like oxygen masks in an airplane put yours on first before assisting others.

If a person cannot take care of themselves how the heck can they assist others. They themselves are in need if unable to care for themselves. The theory is simple. If everyone worked at taking care of themselves,few people would need help.

People donot like loners like myself because I say what I think is right and live by it. I am in my 60's. I make no demands on others for help but give assistance to a degree to others. I am a strong believer in many cases that the best thing you can do for a person is nothing. Too much help defeats the purpose. People need to work their own way out of their own problems that builds character and selfworth.Take a look at socialist countries and tell me what good it has done them. Conquering adversity gives a person strengh. Helping them too much makes them dependent.

Look at Thaialnd, family is everything. Do you see behaved youth, low crime,a strong middle class,good community values,low domestic violence and I could go on but will stop there. You donot see any of this. Do you ask why? Well because the family assists no matter how terrible the person is or what they have done. No accountability.The family protects and nurtures to a point of complete failure.

All that said I should mention helping someone who is already helping them selves and speeding up the process is a very good investment of time and energy.Giving support to an person making the effort is the way to go. You will see reward for your effort in the way of helping a person willing to do their part in bettering themselves and others they are close to.

The last part of your post is precisely on the money. The helping of obviously worthless family members holds people back. I think you have a good policy of helping people who show a record of helping themselves. The rest can look for help elsewhere as they have not shown a spark of effort.

TheWalkingMan

Bang on the money.

X3 or 4 and all those others that agree. It's been my experience that the marriages that last the longest are those where both spouses are self reliant and are not "needy". That isn't the only factor, but it is important. I've always been a loner and I get pleasure out of helping others in many different ways, including financially, but first they have to help themselves. And, they have to realize there are limits to my generosity. People who struggle through adversity become stronger. Few people value that which is given too freely and they come to expect it. There is truth to the old parable that give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but teach a man to fish and he can feed his whole family forever.

[Livinginexile]

Since you brought it up I will reply. Different families different values. Everyone deals with the same family problem different and every family develops different ways of dealing with problems and helping.

I am a loner and proud of it. My family values were such that a man must first and formost be able to take care of himself and not be a burden to others. First you take care of yourself. Second you take care of those close to you( immediate family) Third you take care of extented family. Fourth you assist the community. It is like oxygen masks in an airplane put yours on first before assisting others.

If a person cannot take care of themselves how the heck can they assist others. They themselves are in need if unable to care for themselves. The theory is simple. If everyone worked at taking care of themselves,few people would need help.

People donot like loners like myself because I say what I think is right and live by it. I am in my 60's. I make no demands on others for help but give assistance to a degree to others. I am a strong believer in many cases that the best thing you can do for a person is nothing. Too much help defeats the purpose. People need to work their own way out of their own problems that builds character and selfworth.Take a look at socialist countries and tell me what good it has done them. Conquering adversity gives a person strengh. Helping them too much makes them dependent.

Look at Thaialnd, family is everything. Do you see behaved youth, low crime,a strong middle class,good community values,low domestic violence and I could go on but will stop there. You donot see any of this. Do you ask why? Well because the family assists no matter how terrible the person is or what they have done. No accountability.The family protects and nurtures to a point of complete failure.

All that said I should mention helping someone who is already helping them selves and speeding up the process is a very good investment of time and energy.Giving support to an person making the effort is the way to go. You will see reward for your effort in the way of helping a person willing to do their part in bettering themselves and others they are close to.

Now this my friends is a good post!

I think the OP should stop trying to justify why he is paying for his wife and face up to reality.

Or maybe that would just too dam_n painfull.

[Livinginexile]

Since you brought it up I will reply. Different families different values. Everyone deals with the same family problem different and every family develops different ways of dealing with problems and helping.

I am a loner and proud of it. My family values were such that a man must first and formost be able to take care of himself and not be a burden to others. First you take care of yourself. Second you take care of those close to you( immediate family) Third you take care of extented family. Fourth you assist the community. It is like oxygen masks in an airplane put yours on first before assisting others.

If a person cannot take care of themselves how the heck can they assist others. They themselves are in need if unable to care for themselves. The theory is simple. If everyone worked at taking care of themselves,few people would need help.

People donot like loners like myself because I say what I think is right and live by it. I am in my 60's. I make no demands on others for help but give assistance to a degree to others. I am a strong believer in many cases that the best thing you can do for a person is nothing. Too much help defeats the purpose. People need to work their own way out of their own problems that builds character and selfworth.Take a look at socialist countries and tell me what good it has done them. Conquering adversity gives a person strengh. Helping them too much makes them dependent.

Look at Thaialnd, family is everything. Do you see behaved youth, low crime,a strong middle class,good community values,low domestic violence and I could go on but will stop there. You donot see any of this. Do you ask why? Well because the family assists no matter how terrible the person is or what they have done. No accountability.The family protects and nurtures to a point of complete failure.

All that said I should mention helping someone who is already helping them selves and speeding up the process is a very good investment of time and energy.Giving support to an person making the effort is the way to go. You will see reward for your effort in the way of helping a person willing to do their part in bettering themselves and others they are close to.

You remind me of some of my grouchy old Uncles that I used to hate when I was a kid.

Eeeee Aye lad, we ad if ruff, aye, dad sent me down mine when I be knee I ta grasshoppa and now I be self made man, ya works ard and puts own backbone into it, laddy.

I think the definition of the word loner here is self-indulgent and egotistical old fart.

Even today within my family, siblings, nephews, nieces, cousins and the same on my Thai girlfriends side of the family, there are some that wouldn't pee in our mouths if we were dying of thirst in the desert or would not lose a nights sleep if they heard that we had gone out in a blaze of glory during some thermal holocaust. You know, the types we usually meet every 20 years or so at family weddings and funerals, speak to us as if we've been bosom buddies forever and then will disappear and probably never contact us again.

Some years ago I attended a funeral of a very mean Uncle that no one particularly liked during his lifetime. He and his wife, my Aunt, had 1 son who had immigrated to Canada. We nicknamed their house the British museum because they were so mean and never threw or gave anything away. My Uncle worked for the same company for 40 years but had few friends. After my Aunt died, Uncle died 1 year later. I can remember only 3 people attended his funeral. An Aunt, a cousin and myself. Not even his son attended. After the funeral my Uncle was forgotten, hardly ever mentioned again.

The fact is that it`s all down to what's in the hearts and souls of people and whether or not they are capable of displaying any compassion for people. If someone is happy to help other family members, close or extended, then fine and that's a nice thing to do, or otherwise they just remain locked in their own little environments.

You only get out what you put in. Some may respect themselves but doesn't mean that others will respect them. If that's OK then no problem, people are either nice or they're not.

He pays

[EirikJohannesen]

Since you brought it up I will reply. Different families different values. Everyone deals with the same family problem different and every family develops different ways of dealing with problems and helping.

I am a loner and proud of it. My family values were such that a man must first and formost be able to take care of himself and not be a burden to others. First you take care of yourself. Second you take care of those close to you( immediate family) Third you take care of extented family. Fourth you assist the community. It is like oxygen masks in an airplane put yours on first before assisting others.

If a person cannot take care of themselves how the heck can they assist others. They themselves are in need if unable to care for themselves. The theory is simple. If everyone worked at taking care of themselves,few people would need help.

People donot like loners like myself because I say what I think is right and live by it. I am in my 60's. I make no demands on others for help but give assistance to a degree to others. I am a strong believer in many cases that the best thing you can do for a person is nothing. Too much help defeats the purpose. People need to work their own way out of their own problems that builds character and selfworth.Take a look at socialist countries and tell me what good it has done them. Conquering adversity gives a person strengh. Helping them too much makes them dependent.

Look at Thaialnd, family is everything. Do you see behaved youth, low crime,a strong middle class,good community values,low domestic violence and I could go on but will stop there. You donot see any of this. Do you ask why? Well because the family assists no matter how terrible the person is or what they have done. No accountability.The family protects and nurtures to a point of complete failure.

All that said I should mention helping someone who is already helping them selves and speeding up the process is a very good investment of time and energy.Giving support to an person making the effort is the way to go. You will see reward for your effort in the way of helping a person willing to do their part in bettering themselves and others they are close to.

Now this my friends is a good post!

I think the OP should stop trying to justify why he is paying for his wife and face up to reality.

Or maybe that would just too dam_n painfull.

Why should I justify that I pay for my wife! You're totally off the wall.

You probably share restaurants bill with your wife.

If you're at all taking her out terrified to pay the bill

[geriatrickid]

I come from a family where my parents helped their parents and paid for the kids schooling and other things. I have fond memories of times with my grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins etc. In many respects it was the same experience of many Thais.

I have yet to meet a Thai that would entwine me into their family structure on a similar basis. No one in my family , except for one uncle ever came looking for a handout. If there was a need, it was addressed in a discreet respectful manner and the concept of making a lavish display of a dowery or conspicuous consumption of flashy objects was alien. Fortunately, many of the Thais I know would never expect a hand out or sin sod from a foreigner.

I know darn well that in the eyes of the Thai family my position in the hierarchy is probably lower than Aunt Fang's poodle. Why then should I be expected to hand over money to family members? Let cousin Bobo forgo his gambling junket to Macau to support granny. Why should I be considered to be lacking in family values because I don't fall for the sympathy ploy? What would the family have done if I wasn't around? They'd have found a way. If I p*ss away all my money trying to buy my way into a family, what will happen when I need money to take care of me when I am old and sick?

Edited June 10, 2011 by geriatrickid

[ozzieovaseas]

When you come to Thailand, chances are high that you meet a poor girl, then I find it odd that you do not manage to take some responsibility,

Become familiar with the girl and her family before you get married can not be that difficult. So you do not have to be skinned for money.

Nothing wrong with either a poor girl or poor family.

However why should the farang take resposibility, are the family unable to take responsibilty for their own (in)actions?

I dont hear of my Thai friends paying vets bills for sick upcountry bovine, must be a phenomenon that only affects farang.

Well of course your Thai mates arent paying the vets bills...thats what farangs are for

[ozzieovaseas]

I come from a family where my parents helped their parents and paid for the kids schooling and other things. I have fond memories of times with my grandparents, aunts, uncles cousins etc. In many respects it was the same experience of many Thais.

I have yet to meet a Thai that would entwine me into their family structure on a similar basis. No one in my family , except for one uncle ever came looking for a handout. If there was a need, it was addressed in a discreet respectful manner and the concept of making a lavish display of a dowery or conspicuous consumption of flashy objects was alien. Fortunately, many of the Thais I know would never expect a hand out or sin sod from a foreigner.

I know darn well that in the eyes of the Thai family my position in the hierarchy is probably lower than Aunt Fang's poodle. Why then should I be expected to hand over money to family members? Let cousin Bobo forgo his gambling junket to Macau to support granny. Why should I be considered to be lacking in family values because I don't fall for the sympathy ploy? What would the family have done if I wasn't around? They'd have found a way. If I p*ss away all my money trying to buy my way into a family, what will happen when I need money to take care of me when I am old and sick?

GK, this is the exact and only issue i have with ever being hitched, to anyone, let alone Thai. I wonder about all the many times over the years i would have to say no to this and that demand from the thai family, and thereby having all sorts of resentments building up.

I always reckon by the time i am old, if by the VERY SLIM chance i still had the same Thai woman, just how would she be after all that time?

After listening to other Thais joking (or are they) about saying they will be happy when the husband is dead and they will be able to do all the things in life they wanted, it makes me wonder WHAT they would do if and when they are fed up and feel that they deserve more than there life has given them.

We all know they can do crazy things without thinking through the cosequences through

[Willeyeam]

Since you brought it up I will reply. Different families different values. Everyone deals with the same family problem different and every family develops different ways of dealing with problems and helping.

I am a loner and proud of it. My family values were such that a man must first and formost be able to take care of himself and not be a burden to others. First you take care of yourself. Second you take care of those close to you( immediate family) Third you take care of extented family. Fourth you assist the community. It is like oxygen masks in an airplane put yours on first before assisting others.

If a person cannot take care of themselves how the heck can they assist others. They themselves are in need if unable to care for themselves. The theory is simple. If everyone worked at taking care of themselves,few people would need help.

People donot like loners like myself because I say what I think is right and live by it. I am in my 60's. I make no demands on others for help but give assistance to a degree to others. I am a strong believer in many cases that the best thing you can do for a person is nothing. Too much help defeats the purpose. People need to work their own way out of their own problems that builds character and selfworth.Take a look at socialist countries and tell me what good it has done them. Conquering adversity gives a person strengh. Helping them too much makes them dependent.

Look at Thaialnd, family is everything. Do you see behaved youth, low crime,a strong middle class,good community values,low domestic violence and I could go on but will stop there. You donot see any of this. Do you ask why? Well because the family assists no matter how terrible the person is or what they have done. No accountability.The family protects and nurtures to a point of complete failure.

All that said I should mention helping someone who is already helping them selves and speeding up the process is a very good investment of time and energy.Giving support to an person making the effort is the way to go. You will see reward for your effort in the way of helping a person willing to do their part in bettering themselves and others they are close to.

Well said! You won't win votes for poularity, but you are spot on and have the balls to say it! Thank you!, an enlightening post amongst the dar drivel of liberal crap we usually get here.

Who wants to be a cash cow for some retarded rejects?

You have to make your own way.

[Willeyeam]

The Topic should be "Loners, now living a life in thailand"

lonleiness, is what brought most of us here ?

less we forget .

:jap:

Speak for yourself, loneliness certainly didn't bring me here, I came here after having Thailand as a stop off point during my time working in China, nothing to do with being lonely, it was simply one hell of a place to break the journey between the UK and China.

I fell in love with the "Can Do attitude," Yes, you could do a lot in China too...but it was not really quite as civilized as Thailand, and the language was a huge barrier.

[p_brownstone]

I have lived half my life here and do not think I have spent more money on my family here than I would use at home. I feel also accepted in the village I live, but true enough, I will always be a farang.

Agree. My ex was a hi-so, never again. There were no problems with monetary nonsense, but the lifestyle and behavior sucks,

Ah – you married a Hi-so village maiden?

Not many around.

:whistling:

Patrick

[Willeyeam]

I like to think the whole family thing is one of the positives of Thailand, but in reality I think it is a negative in many cases. There seem to be hangers on in every family who don't do much but expect to be supported. The western system is far superior. Whilst my parents are far from well off I have never had to give them anything or support them in any way. I wish the same could be said for the Thai side. Of course Thailand is not alone in this. There are many country's with the same system.

I agree, family can be a good thing, but as you say, there are so many "hangers on" that crawl out of the woodwork looking for a handout, especially if they know it is a farang...it starts and stops for me with the ciggarettes! - they normally start at family gatherings and start asking for a free ciggy - or beer or whatever - best to nip it in the bud there and then with a polite "FUXC OFF" the shop is up the street 50 yards, go buy your own.

Once you give out, you will be ponced on for your duration of stay, lend me this, give me that etc. etc,. best to bite the bullet in the first place, then they know where they stand - once bitten twice shy!

[ozzieovaseas]

Good post Lovelmosac. I am also a loner which is probably why i like LOS so much.

At least when you are alone in LOS there are no :jerk: 's to look down on you for being a loner, treating everyone that chooses to be alone a second class society dropout. Usually these :jerk: are the people who (deep down) are not really content in the constraints of their own lives but put labels on others to make their own existance seem better.

Essentially i would think there are quite a few of us in LOS, It seems a good place to live and be left alone, far away from the gaze of those who think their way of life is "IT" and everyone else should follow.

But actually i think the OP's point was leaning towards the question of why us westerners have so much trouble with giving away money wholesale to the Thai Inlaws.

It sounds to me like Erik is one of those people who has spent a fortune on his Thai family. Its nice that he talks about commitment to a family but he should realise that no matter what the farang does (in some cases) he will never truelly be accepted into the family that he calls family. Although I hope his situation is one of the (probably) many exceptions.

After all, when members of the (real) Thai family become broke they will remain family, and as such, be sheltered and cared for.

If the Farang falls on hard times and cannot be the financier to all and sundry will the "family" understand and apply the same rules?

I have lived half my life here and do not think I have spent more money on my family here than I would use at home. I feel also accepted in the village I live, but true enough, I will always be a farang.

Yes I have a little trouble understanding why it is so difficult to give some money to the family, and I mean NOT hundreds of thousands, but a few thousand in a while.

Let me say..you have done extremely well to have spent half of your life here and still live to tell the tale

From what you have told us in this thread you have been married ( at least) twice, so i guess its fair to say that those two marriages would have taken some amount of financing on your part..depending on where you live and the conditions of course.

I guess for you to have lived here all that time and knowing thats its quite hard for a farang to earn a baht here, you must have been very well cashed up before you came.

In your case its not so bad if you know you can give a little here and there and still know your future is secure, but my question to you comes from points that other posters have made on this thread....being...

How long can one keep this sort of thing up before you worry about whether your finaces will see you out?

How do you go about manging the rest of your life funds (if they are limited) while keeping the good family happy?

But more importantly...Do you ever have any concern about the future if something unforseen (stock market chrash or disaster) should happen and you are near skint?

I know if you live in a village and already have your house you can live on the smell of an oily rag BUT will they allow you to? this is the big question.

I met an old guy in BK who had built a house for his wife and family in Surin. He says he adapted to village life OK and all was rosy for about 5-6 years until his investments back home were frozen by his fund.

Because he only had access to a limited amount every three months he really pulled his belt in and, well lo and behold a year later his wife apparently only just started seeing all his bad habits ( the ones he had never done anything to disguise anyway) and pretty much made his life hell until he had to walk away for the sake of his own sanity.

Apparently one night the good missus even had a knife to his throat

Of course these cases are probably not the norm, and all situations are different so you can't judge all by the actions of one, but it does make you think about it

Don't mean to be negative and no disrespect to the OP.. It would be great to live in LOS fulltime and have a wife and family you could trust (as erik seems to have) for your future.

I guess its these things that play in the back of my mind when i think about taking such a big leap as marrying into a Thai family, especially when you cannot understand all that gets said and what goes on.

Its hard enough to keep a relationship together when you do speak the same language

[weary]

Hi so lo so oh so boring.

My wife is different.

[trisailer]

Since you brought it up I will reply. Different families different values. Everyone deals with the same family problem different and every family develops different ways of dealing with problems and helping.

I am a loner and proud of it. My family values were such that a man must first and formost be able to take care of himself and not be a burden to others. First you take care of yourself. Second you take care of those close to you( immediate family) Third you take care of extented family. Fourth you assist the community. It is like oxygen masks in an airplane put yours on first before assisting others.

If a person cannot take care of themselves how the heck can they assist others. They themselves are in need if unable to care for themselves. The theory is simple. If everyone worked at taking care of themselves,few people would need help.

People donot like loners like myself because I say what I think is right and live by it. I am in my 60's. I make no demands on others for help but give assistance to a degree to others. I am a strong believer in many cases that the best thing you can do for a person is nothing. Too much help defeats the purpose. People need to work their own way out of their own problems that builds character and selfworth.Take a look at socialist countries and tell me what good it has done them. Conquering adversity gives a person strengh. Helping them too much makes them dependent.

Look at Thaialnd, family is everything. Do you see behaved youth, low crime,a strong middle class,good community values,low domestic violence and I could go on but will stop there. You donot see any of this. Do you ask why? Well because the family assists no matter how terrible the person is or what they have done. No accountability.The family protects and nurtures to a point of complete failure.

All that said I should mention helping someone who is already helping them selves and speeding up the process is a very good investment of time and energy.Giving support to an person making the effort is the way to go. You will see reward for your effort in the way of helping a person willing to do their part in bettering themselves and others they are close to.

I too am a loner, but what does that have to do with helping others. IT is because I'm a loner and didn't throw money away that I am fortunate enough to have some to help. You use the example of the oxygen masks where you put yours on and THEN ASSIST OTHERS. Which is it assist if you can afford it or not assist under any circumstances?

It is true that people have to learn to live on their own two feet. My wife's grandparents took her in when she was 4 months old. Poor rice farmers they did not hesitate to care for her and raise her to be a Honorable woman. They were poor, but they shared what they had. When we met she was supporting them from her earnings and I agreed that WE should continue to support them. They are in their 80's, are you suggesting that they should continue to farm rice? We discussed all of these support issues and agreed to our present arrangement upfront. She is my wife not an employee, she is entitled to share the lifestyle that WE are capable of sustaining. I see some guys looking to have a Thai wife on the cheap and refuse to recognize that even the law says that she has a right to share in the benefits of the relationship.

I don't know where you grew up but your so called socialist countries are home to the happiest most productive people in the world. I'm talking functional countries like Finland, Sweden, Norway and some other European countries that actuall seem to care about their citizens. Please explain to me how the current adversity of unemployment and war and unequal opportunity builds character? More US veterans in have committed suicide than have died in the wars they fought since Vietnam. There are many young ambitious people graduating from universities who will not have a job because the rich have wrecked the US economy. I suppose that will just make them stronger. To starve and live on the street with little opportunity.

I've made interest free loans to my wifes family and been repaid in every case. I did the same for my own kids. I'm not suggesting that anyone throw away money on people who are not willing to work hard for themselves. That is the point. When I get to know these people and their character I am comfortable helping and my wife who is half of this relationship and has her own priorities. I have several friends who buy a new car when they want or new TV's etc but refuse to give their wives anything beyond a meager allowance. They are more slave than wife.

As for your assessment of Thailand being riddled with crime I suggest you visit the average US city these days or read about the crime. This is a country that has the highest number of police per capita in the world. I'll take Thai community any day. Maybe you should jump down off your bar stool and meet some hardworking Thais and get a more accurate picture. If all you know is bar girls it's no wonder you think the way that you do.

[oshoshitzu]

I think it will be fair to you future wife to inform her in advance that she will be only your "minor" wife as your "first" wife will always be your mother.

Good point, so often I see or read how Thai girls who have married a farang and moved to their husband's country complain about their mother in law. It's as if they never thought that farang's have mothers.

[EirikJohannesen]

I have lived half my life here and do not think I have spent more money on my family here than I would use at home. I feel also accepted in the village I live, but true enough, I will always be a farang.

Agree. My ex was a hi-so, never again. There were no problems with monetary nonsense, but the lifestyle and behavior sucks,

Ah – you married a Hi-so village maiden?

Not many around.

:whistling:

Patrick

From Hua Hin,

Tyj...... its a lot of rich hi so girl in Isaan

[Mirth]

OP, thread title and initial post you talk about "family" then you changed it to FIL and MIL excluding siblings and relatives. Next you mentioned that in the last 22 years you have married 3 times! Am i reading your posts wrong or are you insinuating something else?

As for family values, it's normal in Asia to give back a % of their monthly income to their parents or for emergencies BUT, when it comes to handouts, it's a BIG no no. If told otherwise, you're being skimmed.

[Mirth]

Would you sing the same tune if your hubby's parents are around and behave exactly like your parents? Losers are never the ones standing on their own 2 feet but the ones going around spending what they don't have and expecting everyone else to bail them out when they hit a tight spot. You are lucky you have a husband like him, just too bad you fail to grasp the reality like your brother.

Hubby and I are both Americans. Hubby's parents died shortly after he graduated from college, and he was an only child, so I guess he was an "orphan". I didn't realize it when I decided to marry him, but family values were important. It became apparent when my parents fell on hard times, partly due their own decisions, and Hubby was the first to suggest that we give them a "loan". I was the one that insisted on them signing a promisory note form so we could prove that they actually owed us money. Once they asked for the third loan, I got my brother involved and together we did the "tough love" stuff mentioned by the previous posters. My brother drove their fancy cars back to the out-of-town leasing agent, figuring that fulfilled his requirement to "help out", leaving me to buy a suitable used car for them.

Things improved for a while, but my Dad lost his new job after a few years and once again Hubby offered up money without anyone really asking.

He wasn't especially close to my parents, but did it out of a sense that "he had married into the family". I still continue to be pleasantly surprised by his actions and I wish my parents had realized they aren't the norm.

I think the guys who have a "tough love" and "everyone should take care of themselves" mentality, also had failed relationships in the west. They use the term "loner". I'd use the term "loser" because of what they've lost (or never known).

[EirikJohannesen]

Good post Lovelmosac. I am also a loner which is probably why i like LOS so much.

At least when you are alone in LOS there are no :jerk: 's to look down on you for being a loner, treating everyone that chooses to be alone a second class society dropout. Usually these :jerk: are the people who (deep down) are not really content in the constraints of their own lives but put labels on others to make their own existance seem better.

Essentially i would think there are quite a few of us in LOS, It seems a good place to live and be left alone, far away from the gaze of those who think their way of life is "IT" and everyone else should follow.

But actually i think the OP's point was leaning towards the question of why us westerners have so much trouble with giving away money wholesale to the Thai Inlaws.

It sounds to me like Erik is one of those people who has spent a fortune on his Thai family. Its nice that he talks about commitment to a family but he should realise that no matter what the farang does (in some cases) he will never truelly be accepted into the family that he calls family. Although I hope his situation is one of the (probably) many exceptions.

After all, when members of the (real) Thai family become broke they will remain family, and as such, be sheltered and cared for.

If the Farang falls on hard times and cannot be the financier to all and sundry will the "family" understand and apply the same rules?

I have lived half my life here and do not think I have spent more money on my family here than I would use at home. I feel also accepted in the village I live, but true enough, I will always be a farang.

Yes I have a little trouble understanding why it is so difficult to give some money to the family, and I mean NOT hundreds of thousands, but a few thousand in a while.

Let me say..you have done extremely well to have spent half of your life here and still live to tell the tale

From what you have told us in this thread you have been married ( at least) twice, so i guess its fair to say that those two marriages would have taken some amount of financing on your part..depending on where you live and the conditions of course.

I guess for you to have lived here all that time and knowing thats its quite hard for a farang to earn a baht here, you must have been very well cashed up before you came.

In your case its not so bad if you know you can give a little here and there and still know your future is secure, but my question to you comes from points that other posters have made on this thread....being...

How long can one keep this sort of thing up before you worry about whether your finaces will see you out?

How do you go about manging the rest of your life funds (if they are limited) while keeping the good family happy?

But more importantly...Do you ever have any concern about the future if something unforseen (stock market chrash or disaster) should happen and you are near skint?

I know if you live in a village and already have your house you can live on the smell of an oily rag BUT will they allow you to? this is the big question.

I met an old guy in BK who had built a house for his wife and family in Surin. He says he adapted to village life OK and all was rosy for about 5-6 years until his investments back home were frozen by his fund.

Because he only had access to a limited amount every three months he really pulled his belt in and, well lo and behold a year later his wife apparently only just started seeing all his bad habits ( the ones he had never done anything to disguise anyway) and pretty much made his life hell until he had to walk away for the sake of his own sanity.

Apparently one night the good missus even had a knife to his throat

Of course these cases are probably not the norm, and all situations are different so you can't judge all by the actions of one, but it does make you think about it

Don't mean to be negative and no disrespect to the OP.. It would be great to live in LOS fulltime and have a wife and family you could trust (as erik seems to have) for your future.

I guess its these things that play in the back of my mind when i think about taking such a big leap as marrying into a Thai family, especially when you cannot understand all that gets said and what goes on.

Its hard enough to keep a relationship together when you do speak the same language

I came to Thailand when I was 23 years with a Thai girl I met in Norway, I had barely heard of Thailand. I rented out my apartment and lived for 6,000 baht here. I had good education and got a computer that I could do magical things with, computer ages started and I did it very well so I'm financially secured the rest of my life. I also pay taxes to Norway so I get my state pension.

My first wife, who I came with died in an accident after 12 years. And I met a girl in Hua Hin, which I managed to put up with for 3 years. She was a useless Hi So girl that made my life miserable. I went back to Isann there, I'm well known, married a wonderful girl. I was dating her long before we got married, and I spent much time with her ​​parents so I knew what I went to.

Yes I am worried about the future of Thailand, but not my economy. I do not see a nice development, political and crime.

I have all my money in Norway, everything goes there, I use Norwegian bank card (Visa) to transfer the spending to account here. I do not trust Thai banks when it comes to large amounts.

I know several farang who have lost everything and lives here with his wife and her family, they take good care of them and there would be 90% of all other Thai done​​, too (not Pattaya girls.) Genuine Thai has something called "geng chei "You've done something good for them so they are indebted to you, and do what they can to help you.

I've also heard all these incredible story of farlang being cheated and mistreated by his wife and family, but I'm pretty sure 99% of them are prostitute women. Half of all farang do not even know that his wife is a former prostitute.

Those I know who have married a real Thai girl does not have the same problems.

My life has been wonderful here in LOS, but the lows are also here as everywhere else.

[EirikJohannesen]

Since you brought it up I will reply. Different families different values. Everyone deals with the same family problem different and every family develops different ways of dealing with problems and helping.

I am a loner and proud of it. My family values were such that a man must first and formost be able to take care of himself and not be a burden to others. First you take care of yourself. Second you take care of those close to you( immediate family) Third you take care of extented family. Fourth you assist the community. It is like oxygen masks in an airplane put yours on first before assisting others.

If a person cannot take care of themselves how the heck can they assist others. They themselves are in need if unable to care for themselves. The theory is simple. If everyone worked at taking care of themselves,few people would need help.

People donot like loners like myself because I say what I think is right and live by it. I am in my 60's. I make no demands on others for help but give assistance to a degree to others. I am a strong believer in many cases that the best thing you can do for a person is nothing. Too much help defeats the purpose. People need to work their own way out of their own problems that builds character and selfworth.Take a look at socialist countries and tell me what good it has done them. Conquering adversity gives a person strengh. Helping them too much makes them dependent.

Look at Thaialnd, family is everything. Do you see behaved youth, low crime,a strong middle class,good community values,low domestic violence and I could go on but will stop there. You donot see any of this. Do you ask why? Well because the family assists no matter how terrible the person is or what they have done. No accountability.The family protects and nurtures to a point of complete failure.

All that said I should mention helping someone who is already helping them selves and speeding up the process is a very good investment of time and energy.Giving support to an person making the effort is the way to go. You will see reward for your effort in the way of helping a person willing to do their part in bettering themselves and others they are close to.

I too am a loner, but what does that have to do with helping others. IT is because I'm a loner and didn't throw money away that I am fortunate enough to have some to help. You use the example of the oxygen masks where you put yours on and THEN ASSIST OTHERS. Which is it assist if you can afford it or not assist under any circumstances?

It is true that people have to learn to live on their own two feet. My wife's grandparents took her in when she was 4 months old. Poor rice farmers they did not hesitate to care for her and raise her to be a Honorable woman. They were poor, but they shared what they had. When we met she was supporting them from her earnings and I agreed that WE should continue to support them. They are in their 80's, are you suggesting that they should continue to farm rice? We discussed all of these support issues and agreed to our present arrangement upfront. She is my wife not an employee, she is entitled to share the lifestyle that WE are capable of sustaining. I see some guys looking to have a Thai wife on the cheap and refuse to recognize that even the law says that she has a right to share in the benefits of the relationship.

I don't know where you grew up but your so called socialist countries are home to the happiest most productive people in the world. I'm talking functional countries like Finland, Sweden, Norway and some other European countries that actuall seem to care about their citizens. Please explain to me how the current adversity of unemployment and war and unequal opportunity builds character? More US veterans in have committed suicide than have died in the wars they fought since Vietnam. There are many young ambitious people graduating from universities who will not have a job because the rich have wrecked the US economy. I suppose that will just make them stronger. To starve and live on the street with little opportunity.

I've made interest free loans to my wifes family and been repaid in every case. I did the same for my own kids. I'm not suggesting that anyone throw away money on people who are not willing to work hard for themselves. That is the point. When I get to know these people and their character I am comfortable helping and my wife who is half of this relationship and has her own priorities. I have several friends who buy a new car when they want or new TV's etc but refuse to give their wives anything beyond a meager allowance. They are more slave than wife.

As for your assessment of Thailand being riddled with crime I suggest you visit the average US city these days or read about the crime. This is a country that has the highest number of police per capita in the world. I'll take Thai community any day. Maybe you should jump down off your bar stool and meet some hardworking Thais and get a more accurate picture. If all you know is bar girls it's no wonder you think the way that you do.

I'm so agree.

[travelmann]

If "my family" are bone idle lying thieving lazy gits they get nothing from me as often as I can be bothered to give it.

If on the other hand they are helpful willing hard working I will support them 100%................ not difficult to work out is it?

[EirikJohannesen]

If "my family" are bone idle lying thieving lazy gits they get nothing from me as often as I can be bothered to give it.

If on the other hand they are helpful willing hard working I will support them 100%................ not difficult to work out is it?

The first one you mention is probably a valid reason to find the second you mention

[phutoie2]

I've also heard all these incredible story of farlang being cheated and mistreated by his wife and family, but I'm pretty sure 99% of them are prostitute women. Half of all farang do not even know that his wife is a former prostitute.

Those I know who have married a real Thai girl does not have the same problems.

Come on then,spill the beans, what should we be looking for in finding the 'real Thai girl', so I or others do not make the same error that 50% of farangs do!.

Oh and please no 'incredible stories' that you have heard, we have possibly heard them all too.

For someone clearly enamoured with Thailand and its culture you have a dim view of its financial systems, no Thai bankers amongst your wide circle of friends?

Edit - got the pecentages wrong!

Edited June 11, 2011 by phutoie2

[trisailer]

I have a problem with all of this nonsense being projected onto Thai's. This has nothing to do with a country or a culture it has to do with humans. Humans are the same everywhere in roughly the same percentages. I would venture that the Thai's are overall more honorable than most people in western societies.

If you want to see how humans anywhere will behave throw a bundle of cash out onto a table and see. I know of many families in the US who were torn apart by money. Someone dies in a family with a little cash and the survivors turn into greedy, selfish people who will do anything for that money. If your in a accident in Thailand you can expect to settle right on the spot for what any reasonable person would find acceptable. I most western countries your looking at a protracted lawsuit to squeeze every last penny.

Back in the 80's I saw myself as the donald trump of my town. I threw parties and there was no end to the numbers of "friends" who showed up. I even helped a few with their financial difficulties. Guess what? none of them paid me back and when I asked for a favor, not money, just an easy to do favor they didn't know me. This was true everywhere, in my career people did dishonest things to "get an edge" It led me to the conclusion that most people are unreliable because they are human.

In the town I grew up in we had two sides of the tracks. Any intelligent person knew that if you went to the low side you were likely to be scammed and ripped off. Why would that be any different here? If you hang out with a low class of people than expect to be taken advantage of. A old friend of mine recently came to Thailand and immediately got hooked up with some massage girls (hookers) in BKK. Try as I did to warn him he is determined to proceed. When he gets ripped off am I supposed to feel sorry for him? No, I won't.

It seems that a significant percentage of the men who post here have no experience with Thai's outside of the sex industry and so they go on and on and endlessly on about the woes that they brought onto themselves. If your a 60 year old guy and haven't figured out how to judge peoples characters and you are projecting honorable qualities onto undeserving people than you get what you asked for.

Please stop blaming all of Thailand for your lack of good judgment.

Edited June 11, 2011 by trisailer

[EirikJohannesen]

I've also heard all these incredible story of farlang being cheated and mistreated by his wife and family, but I'm pretty sure 99% of them are prostitute women. Half of all farang do not even know that his wife is a former prostitute.

Those I know who have married a real Thai girl does not have the same problems.

Come on then,spill the beans, what should we be looking for in finding the 'real Thai girl', so I or others do not make the same error that 50% of farangs do!.

Oh and please no 'incredible stories' that you have heard, we have possibly heard them all too.

For someone clearly enamoured with Thailand and its culture you have a dim view of its financial systems, no Thai bankers amongst your wide circle of friends?

Edit - got the pecentages wrong!

"Edit - got the pecentages wrong!" Yes it is probably higher

I know all too well the financial banks in Thailand, that's why I do not trust them. If I should go into that, then I have to start a new thread about it, but I do not care as it does not interest me very much. Incorrect currency rates, wrong interest rate, they are sitting on a large transfer longer than they are permitted to, etc.

[Thongkorn]

I am A loner , not by choice , I have four Sisters and a Brother,We all live twenty minutes form each other and never talk. So really it does not matter what values I have. if people don't want to associate with and talk then you are alone.