Thai Nephew "Borrowing" My Stuff Without Permission

[thaibeachlovers]

Just moved to the village, only to find the wife's nephew has "borrowed" a number of items of mine from the stuff sent ahead. Didn't try to hide them, so I guess not stealing.

Is this "normal" Thai behaviour ie what's yours is everyone's? My wife was not happy about it either, though.

If it's not normal behaviour, what would be a good plan of action? Don't wish to cause resentment, as I have to live here with him. Anyone else had similar problems and dealt with it successfuly?

Thanks for any good suggestions.

[cmjantje]

I had a neighbor doing the same.

I just took the things back without saying a word... It helped.

[remiss]

Kind of depends how old he is I guess. If he's younger than you at least it's your decision, if he's older than you he should have known better..

The kids/nephews/whatever always has to ask me before borrowing computer/tablet/phone etc. The rest of my stuff they generally aren't interested in.. You have toys they want to play with? Sharing stuff is rather common, but expensive stuff that can break you can keep to yourself without causing any resentment at all. If you want to keep your football to yourself some people might look weird at you

The phrase 'mai dtawng leeuy' might be good to learn sooner rather than later

http://thai-language.../id/131326#def3

http://thai-language.com/id/131454

Uh, yeah, and make sure they return stuff after they are finished with it..

Edited July 2, 2011 by remiss

[SGD]

May don't have much real respect for their fellow Thais, nevermind some (in their eyes) foolish and gullible westerner. You are a ripe fruit, waiting to be picked unless you exert some initial authority and borrowing will turn into blatant theft, wherr your partner, though outwardly backing your case, may potentially see at least part of the thief's excuse as palatable.

I would get whoever took anything to return them immediately and in order to head off any future issues, make sure they understood that they cannot just help themselves though future requests to borrow certain items will be considered.

[Soutpeel]

May don't have much real respect for their fellow Thais, nevermind some (in their eyes) foolish and gullible westerner. You are a ripe fruit, waiting to be picked unless you exert some initial authority and borrowing will turn into blatant theft, wherr your partner, though outwardly backing your case, may potentially see at least part of the thief's excuse as palatable.

I would get whoever took anything to return them immediately and in order to head off any future issues, make sure they understood that they cannot just help themselves though future requests to borrow certain items will be considered.

I would raise you objections with your wife and get her to sort it out once and for all, its her nephew, at the same time, tell the wife to tell the nephew, that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again, you are going to kick the cr*p out of him......worked for me, never had a problem again...

[Tonto21]

Hard to give an appropriate response with so little info. I think most reply's given so far in how to get your stuff back are well worth a go.

As for why he took your stuff, well with this beingThailand, IMO, I would say, firstly he doesn't have much respect for you, that possibly coupled with all the story's about farangs having it easy and lots of money and, well, he may just not give a shit! In his mind why shouldn't he take some of your thing…..You have so much, and anyway you can just go and buy another one, (whatever it is he took)

I think the main issue is not about getting the stuff back he took, (which yes, you need to do) it is about dealing with stopping him from keep doing it, and he will if you don't address this.

I know there must be a lot of good stories with positive results from westerners living with their wife's in her family's villages.There must be……………I've just not heard any.

I hope all works out for you.

Edited July 2, 2011 by Tonto21

[Trembly]

Some info on the items in question would be useful to gain some perspective.

However, speaking in the most general terms, the possessions are ultimately yours and under normal circumstances, breaking into your stuff to access them without prior permission is extremely bad manners in Thailand, same as anywhere else.

To save face, just be cool and accept whatever excuse he gave and consider it water under the bridge BUT get your wife to tell him under no uncertain terms that he is not to do it again, with fangs barred. Demand confirmation of understanding. If he still persist after this then it is perfectly acceptable for him to receive a clip round the ear and thank you for it.

As a Thai with upcountry family, I can tell you categorically that this behaviour goes on among wholly Thai families too and it is quite simply a boundary-exploring pisstake.

Its up to you to draw the line. If any of you actually take the "you're a farang so you won't miss it as much" line seriously then you're getting the piss taken out of you two-fold. Squash it.

. . . and then act like you had forgotten all about it, all being well.

[Soutpeel]

As a Thai with upcountry family, I can tell you categorically that this behaviour goes on among wholly Thai families too and it is quite simply a boundary-exploring pisstake.

Or he is a thieving little b*stard...

[Geekfreaklover]

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking something is normal behavour and letting it happen because it is normal behaviour. This is Thailand etc etc...

If you are not happy with your stuff being stolen/borrowed then put a stop to it. If you don't it will happen again. Simple.

[Trembly]

As a Thai with upcountry family, I can tell you categorically that this behaviour goes on among wholly Thai families too and it is quite simply a boundary-exploring pisstake.

Or he is a thieving little b*stard...

According to the OP the items were lying about in plain view so probably not theft as such.

[Tokay]

Put your foot down right now or you'll set an example and let them all know you're a pushover.

[afarang]

Not theft per se, but you must be mindful of this.For this is the rationale behind Thais "nicking " from farang. - What is mine is mine, ,.What is yours is mine also.That is a mindset that is very difficult to change. What distresses me most , is that when they "borrow",they only come back, if and when they are broken, with no explanation nor apology.

[Soutpeel]

As a Thai with upcountry family, I can tell you categorically that this behaviour goes on among wholly Thai families too and it is quite simply a boundary-exploring pisstake.

Or he is a thieving little b*stard...

According to the OP the items were lying about in plain view so probably not theft as such.

So if I see a brief case on a table full of money which doesnt belong to me and I pick it up and walk away with it with the intent of keeping it for myself.......its not theft. ?...

[Geekfreaklover]

As a Thai with upcountry family, I can tell you categorically that this behaviour goes on among wholly Thai families too and it is quite simply a boundary-exploring pisstake.

Or he is a thieving little b*stard...

According to the OP the items were lying about in plain view so probably not theft as such.

Most stolen things are lying around in plain view.

I've worked in a lot of schools, and occasionaly I'll borrow a whiteboard marker and forget to return it. Drives the Thai's mad. Righty so. They have to buy a new one until I return it. Stealing is not accepted anywhere in the world amongst moral people. Taking something that is not yours is basically stealing, unless you have permission from the owner.

Get your stuff back.

[bifftastic]

As a Thai with upcountry family, I can tell you categorically that this behaviour goes on among wholly Thai families too and it is quite simply a boundary-exploring pisstake.

Or he is a thieving little b*stard...

Indeed!

One of my wife's nephews is indeed a thieving little bastard. Whilst most things are shared, to an extent, like, someone will jump on the nearest motorsai to nip down the shop, ours or anyone else's that happens to be around and have the keys in, no problem, lots of things are 'shared' in a village, which is a good thing, in my opinion, most people will ask. But this little bugger nicks money that's lying around and go play computer games with it. Not just from my wife, from all his family!

The whole family have tried everything, he's had slaps, stern talking to, nice talking to, his other auntie has been to the internet shop to ask that he not be allowed in (that didn't work, the guy just smiled ans said 'no') he's had a right good beating off his mum, no-one knows what to do with him. I'm thinking 'off to the temple with the little shit-bag' but, in these matters, my opinion isn't highly valued.

I'd try all the above-mentioned things, but if it turns out he is a thieving little bastard, then it's a different story altogether.

[TerryLH]

"According to the OP the items were lying about in plain view so probably not theft as such."

Was the post saying that deleted?

I agree with many of the above, you need to nip it in the bud.

[Soutpeel]

The whole family have tried everything, he's had slaps, stern talking to, nice talking to, his other auntie has been to the internet shop to ask that he not be allowed in (that didn't work, the guy just smiled ans said 'no') he's had a right good beating off his mum, no-one knows what to do with him. I'm thinking 'off to the temple with the little shit-bag' but, in these matters, my opinion isn't highly valued.

Why dont you bung the BiB a few bob to scare the sh*t out him, come and pick him up and put him in the cells for a day, sure they would be pleased to help out for a contribution to the policemans ball....

[bifftastic]

The whole family have tried everything, he's had slaps, stern talking to, nice talking to, his other auntie has been to the internet shop to ask that he not be allowed in (that didn't work, the guy just smiled ans said 'no') he's had a right good beating off his mum, no-one knows what to do with him. I'm thinking 'off to the temple with the little shit-bag' but, in these matters, my opinion isn't highly valued.

Why dont you bung the BiB a few bob to scare the sh*t out him, come and pick him up and put him in the cells for a day, sure they would be pleased to help out for a contribution to the policemans ball....

Good shout, I might even give them a regular 'stipend' to keep the little prick!

Seriously, I've chipped in with lots of suggestions, one of which was what you just mentioned, there's much wringing of hands and 'oooei ja tam arai?' and the thieving bastard just carries on. He's one of those who 'shuts down' when being spoken to, or punished. Either way, he's worked out that the talking or punishment only lasts for so long.

I think he does it on the spur of the moment, probably gets a buzz out of it and it's not that he's unaware of the consequences, he just accepts them. I can see him ending up in jail, I've known similar people here in the UK, they're just thieves, nothing stops them from doing it.

I will try again with the police idea but I reckon, in all honesty, he'll just suffer it and come out thinking 'well that wasn't so bad'!

[endure]

"According to the OP the items were lying about in plain view so probably not theft as such."

Was the post saying that deleted?

It's the second sentence of the OP.

[astral]

How good is your command of Thai?

I suggest you sit down with him and talk, possibly with this parents present and

explaining that he must not take your belongings out of the house.

If he wants to use something he must come and ask first,

and if appropriate you will let him use it in the confines of your house.

Mariat Dee, Good manners.

Difficult when you have many desireable "toys" and the locals have little.

If not nipped in the bud you will be in for a major problem in the future

[Geekfreaklover]

This is my take on it.

The problem is usually caused by bad parenting.Or bad grandparenting. Not much you can do about now. More often than not the father has done a runner, the mother has also done a runner to some bar to pay for an illiterate grandparent to run the show. Often this grandparent loves this son of a bitch but sets no boundaries, he learns to steal and lie from a young age. He has no good example to follow so follows the bad ones he sees in the village.

I may be wrong in this instance, but probably not.

I recall iIn the village where I used to live there was one youth who was a real pain. Stealing, violence, sexual harresment. He came up to a farang bar and for no apparent reason brandished a gun at the crowd drinking outside.

The owner of the bar called the boys in brown. For a charge of 500 baht they went to his home and bundled his misbehaving ass into the back of a pick-up. They drove hin out to a remote paddy. Gave him a shovel and made him dig his grave. The youth in question waied the police, begged to live and promised to change his ways. They let him go and he did. The grandparents thanked all concerned.

That was the last they heard from him misbehaving at the bar. Not saying that the kid taking your stuff is anywhere near this bad, but you know, his disrespect was obvious. Farangs bad, stupid, can take what you want from them and there will be no consequence. My sisters got a house and a pick-up, what have I got?

Not saying that this is right, but the problem lies, I think, in parenting. A short sharp shock can and does work.

No kids are born bad.

Edited July 2, 2011 by Geekfreaklover

[Trembly]

"According to the OP the items were lying about in plain view so probably not theft as such."

Was the post saying that deleted?

I agree with many of the above, you need to nip it in the bud.

"lying about in plain view" is my paraphrasing of the OPs "didn't try to hide them". . . its at the very top.

So if I see a brief case on a table full of money which doesnt belong to me and I pick it up and walk away with it with the intent of keeping it for myself.......its not theft. ?...

Well yeah, that would obviously be theft, but your intent to keep it for yourself may be in some doubt if you just took out a couple of bundles of cash and left them lying around in the vicinity of the briefcase.

. . . . If I had, say, some trainers and a hat that was in a bag that I sent ahead of me, and I found that they were out of the bag but were still lying around the house I wouldn't really classify that as theft as I still had ready access to them.

Not trying to defend him, but If the nephew had intended to permanently deprive the OP of said items either by disposing of them or hiding them methinks he would have had little difficulty in doing so . . .

Edited July 2, 2011 by Trembly

[Berkshire]

What 'items" is the kid borrowing, exactly? If it's sports equipment, like a football or baseball glove, no big deal. If it's a toothbrush or one of your soiled underwears, the kid may need help of the medical kind.

Edited July 2, 2011 by Berkshire

[saraburioz]

Put a stop to it immediately or you'll end up like pushing a trolley round tescos with 6 kids throwing things into it.

One thing that is essential for the kid is to wai you when he sees you. If he doesn't do this, you'll know what he thinks of you and EXACTLY where you stand in the family.

I met a mate last week and couldn't belive the thing he's hanging around with - beautiful but not only did she make her 5 y/o wai me, she didn't even herself! This is an obvious sign of ex-bar girl BTW.

[Trembly]

The whole family have tried everything, he's had slaps, stern talking to, nice talking to, his other auntie has been to the internet shop to ask that he not be allowed in (that didn't work, the guy just smiled ans said 'no') he's had a right good beating off his mum, no-one knows what to do with him. I'm thinking 'off to the temple with the little shit-bag' but, in these matters, my opinion isn't highly valued.

Why dont you bung the BiB a few bob to scare the sh*t out him, come and pick him up and put him in the cells for a day, sure they would be pleased to help out for a contribution to the policemans ball....

Good shout, I might even give them a regular 'stipend' to keep the little prick!

Seriously, I've chipped in with lots of suggestions, one of which was what you just mentioned, there's much wringing of hands and 'oooei ja tam arai?' and the thieving bastard just carries on. He's one of those who 'shuts down' when being spoken to, or punished. Either way, he's worked out that the talking or punishment only lasts for so long.

I think he does it on the spur of the moment, probably gets a buzz out of it and it's not that he's unaware of the consequences, he just accepts them. I can see him ending up in jail, I've known similar people here in the UK, they're just thieves, nothing stops them from doing it.

I will try again with the police idea but I reckon, in all honesty, he'll just suffer it and come out thinking 'well that wasn't so bad'!

The Army does run boot camps for juvenile delinquents. Some proper beasting with no apparent end in sight might sort him out. You never know he might even like it and stay in.

[surayu]

Normal= Yes, very common

Fair= Not at all

I tell you from experience, there is no way you will stop these people from "borrowing" your stuff without your permission, untill you will make very clear to them that you consider this "theft" and very offensive towards you, once you do that, you will still have some "hard core" ones trying to sneak in, better you rush to buy the latest technology available on the market to protect yourself, things like HD night vision cameras, detectors and everything else.

If you can, get also a firearm license and be ready to confront someone that still it's not convinced with some more solid answer to their thirst.

Been there, done that, so far almost no more problems, good luck!

[bifftastic]

The whole family have tried everything, he's had slaps, stern talking to, nice talking to, his other auntie has been to the internet shop to ask that he not be allowed in (that didn't work, the guy just smiled ans said 'no') he's had a right good beating off his mum, no-one knows what to do with him. I'm thinking 'off to the temple with the little shit-bag' but, in these matters, my opinion isn't highly valued.

Why dont you bung the BiB a few bob to scare the sh*t out him, come and pick him up and put him in the cells for a day, sure they would be pleased to help out for a contribution to the policemans ball....

Good shout, I might even give them a regular 'stipend' to keep the little prick!

Seriously, I've chipped in with lots of suggestions, one of which was what you just mentioned, there's much wringing of hands and 'oooei ja tam arai?' and the thieving bastard just carries on. He's one of those who 'shuts down' when being spoken to, or punished. Either way, he's worked out that the talking or punishment only lasts for so long.

I think he does it on the spur of the moment, probably gets a buzz out of it and it's not that he's unaware of the consequences, he just accepts them. I can see him ending up in jail, I've known similar people here in the UK, they're just thieves, nothing stops them from doing it.

I will try again with the police idea but I reckon, in all honesty, he'll just suffer it and come out thinking 'well that wasn't so bad'!

The Army does run boot camps for juvenile delinquents. Some proper beasting with no apparent end in sight might sort him out. You never know he might even like it and stay in.

I think that would be ideal for him, might stop him ending up in jail and turn his life around. Definitely worth a mention, cheers.

[Semper]

As a Thai with upcountry family, I can tell you categorically that this behaviour goes on among wholly Thai families too and it is quite simply a boundary-exploring pisstake.

Or he is a thieving little b*stard...

According to the OP the items were lying about in plain view so probably not theft as such.

Most stolen things are lying around in plain view.

I've worked in a lot of schools, and occasionaly I'll borrow a whiteboard marker and forget to return it. Drives the Thai's mad. Righty so. They have to buy a new one until I return it. Stealing is not accepted anywhere in the world amongst moral people. Taking something that is not yours is basically stealing, unless you have permission from the owner.

Get your stuff back.

Does this also include land or countries?

[Trembly]

Put a stop to it immediately or you'll end up like pushing a trolley round tescos with 6 kids throwing things into it.

One thing that is essential for the kid is to wai you when he sees you. If he doesn't do this, you'll know what he thinks of you and EXACTLY where you stand in the family.

I met a mate last week and couldn't belive the thing he's hanging around with - beautiful but not only did she make her 5 y/o wai me, she didn't even herself! This is an obvious sign of ex-bar girl BTW.

Yep . . . wai-ing is important. All things being equal, don't placate them by going along with their idea of Thai culture if the young ones don't even show you some basic manners.

[Geekfreaklover]

Does this also include land or countries?

Arai wah?

Yes it does. And the same advice applies - if it is yours, get it back.