Does Your Thai Wife Get Offered Change When You Pay?

[pisico]

Yes, happens all the time, and being totally ignored as though you are invisible is common.

The norm is I'll ask the question (in thai), the wife gets the answer.

The other point I see alot is why dont Thai's like asking for directions or information ?

The wife will spend an eternity wandering around a store looking for something but will never ask a shop assistant, same when in the car, no way will she ask someone for directions to say a petrol station, is it all about losing face again ???

Thailand has a culture anchored in the past. They are drilled from childhood on rules to abide by, i.e.: never complain, never ask questions. It is not polite.

They are at this social level like automatons. It is a reflex, automatic behavior. The same applies to trusting a foreigner. The mantra will always be: Thai good, Farang bad. Sexpats living in Pattaya know this only too well.

Lastly, to say that Thais are timid is giving them the benefit of an undeserving doubt. They do not hesitate to be impolite to a Farang or to ask for a higher price on a purchase. Shy, timid? The same way that foxes are crazy.

I await the flames from the Thai apologists.

[kirk0233]

Yes, happens all the time, and being totally ignored as though you are invisible is common.

The norm is I'll ask the question (in thai), the wife gets the answer.

The other point I see alot is why dont Thai's like asking for directions or information ?

The wife will spend an eternity wandering around a store looking for something but will never ask a shop assistant, same when in the car, no way will she ask someone for directions to say a petrol station, is it all about losing face again ???

Thailand has a culture anchored in the past. They are drilled from childhood on rules to abide by, i.e.: never complain, never ask questions. It is not polite.

They are at this social level like automatons. It is a reflex, automatic behavior. The same applies to trusting a foreigner. The mantra will always be: Thai good, Farang bad. Sexpats living in Pattaya know this only too well.

Lastly, to say that Thais are timid is giving them the benefit of an undeserving doubt. They do not hesitate to be impolite to a Farang or to ask for a higher price on a purchase. Shy, timid? The same way that foxes are crazy.

I await the flames from the Thai apologists.

I have to ask again, since no one has answered the question, does this behavior of giving change to the wife or girlfriend also happen to Thai men? To me it is just an odd behavior I don't understand. Many have said this is part of Thai culture. The woman controls the money. But, does it happen if a Thai guy pays? Someone mentioned the waitress forgetting who paid as an explanation. How is it possible for a waitress to forget who paid in two minutes? This has happened to me many times. In the case of 7-11 maybe forgetting in 20 seconds? Shyness? No speaking is required to give back money. Thais I have noticed at 7-11 rarely speak to the cashier at all. What is the source of fear in giving money to a foreigner? If I go by myself I get the change. Why does having my wife with me make a difference? I have also noticed that if I eat by myself at a restaurant I get much more interaction from the waitress and more courteous service. To me it seems odd. So, what about the Thai guy? Same treatment because the woman is the accountant? Is a Thai girlfriend the accountant for her boyfriend. How do they even know we are married?

Edited September 2, 2011 by kirk0233

[Semper]

OP.

Why are you paying?

[kirk0233]

OP.

Why are you paying?

Why not?

[nocturn]

im just generally pleased to be getting change

[Derifo]

Yes, to my ex, and yes, to a friend I hang out with.

[Kilgore Trout]

Agree 100% --- Thais are not rude people compared to many of us in the west. They simply don't have the same customs or rules of etiquette. We may interpret not saying, "Bless You" after somebody sneezes as rude but it is simply something not done here .... just as some things to Thais are considered rude that we do in the west. I figure being in their country, we need to adapt and not the other way around.

I wish Thais would remember this in the states. It is part of our culture to tip at least 15% at a restaurant as waiters make only 3-4 dollars an hour base.

However, nearly every Thai I knew there refused to tip or would leave an insulting amount. I often had to explain to people that if you can't afford to tip you should order carry out.

[Semper]

OP.

Why are you paying?

Why not?

Well, the norm in Thailand would be that the wife (you said you are married) should handle all the household and buying food issues.

[aussiebebe]

OP.

Why are you paying?

Why not?

Well, the norm in Thailand would be that the wife (you said you are married) should handle all the household and buying food issues.

I like this thread; I've always been frustrated that change gets given to my wife when I pay and am standing there, hand out, ready to be given the change. I'm actually younger than my wife, she earns slightly more than me and I do try to speak as much Thai as I can so I don't think social awkwardness is the reason - I think you're right, Semper, it is normal over here for the wife to control the household money. I have several friends and colleagues at work with wives from upcountry who give over all their salary each month. Their own money is then rationed and drip-fed back to them.

This leads to really funny scenarios, even funnier than not being given the change; I'll go over to a mate's house for a beer and after a while his wife will breeze into the living room and secretively pass over 1000 baht beer-money - obviously knowing that her own husband doesn't even have the change handy for a drink. What a way to live! I guess that's the price to pay when you re-marry later in life and are scared of your wife.

[Pib]

I have to ask again, since no one has answered the question, does this behavior of giving change to the wife or girlfriend also happen to Thai men? To me it is just an odd behavior I don't understand. Many have said this is part of Thai culture. The woman controls the money. But, does it happen if a Thai guy pays? Someone mentioned the waitress forgetting who paid as an explanation. How is it possible for a waitress to forget who paid in two minutes? This has happened to me many times. In the case of 7-11 maybe forgetting in 20 seconds? Shyness? No speaking is required to give back money. Thais I have noticed at 7-11 rarely speak to the cashier at all. What is the source of fear in giving money to a foreigner? If I go by myself I get the change. Why does having my wife with me make a difference? I have also noticed that if I eat by myself at a restaurant I get much more interaction from the waitress and more courteous service. To me it seems odd. So, what about the Thai guy? Same treatment because the woman is the accountant? Is a Thai girlfriend the accountant for her boyfriend. How do they even know we are married?

Happens to Thai guys also from my observations, however, like when checking out from Lotus, Big C, Makro, etc., the wife is usually paying while the Thai husband is several meters away loading up the cart, watching the wife pay, etc. Maybe with farangs more still control/pay for the household buys with the wife/GF standing "close by" which ends up in change automatically/maybe by custom being handed towards the wife/GF in many cases. But IMHO, it ain't nothing to stress over.

[Semper]

OP.

Why are you paying?

Why not?

Well, the norm in Thailand would be that the wife (you said you are married) should handle all the household and buying food issues.

I like this thread; I've always been frustrated that change gets given to my wife when I pay and am standing there, hand out, ready to be given the change. I'm actually younger than my wife, she earns slightly more than me and I do try to speak as much Thai as I can so I don't think social awkwardness is the reason - I think you're right, Semper, it is normal over here for the wife to control the household money. I have several friends and colleagues at work with wives from upcountry who give over all their salary each month. Their own money is then rationed and drip-fed back to them.

This leads to really funny scenarios, even funnier than not being given the change; I'll go over to a mate's house for a beer and after a while his wife will breeze into the living room and secretively pass over 1000 baht beer-money - obviously knowing that her own husband doesn't even have the change handy for a drink. What a way to live! I guess that's the price to pay when you re-marry later in life and are scared of your wife.

[Throatwobbler]

Yes, happens all the time, and being totally ignored as though you are invisible is common.

The norm is I'll ask the question (in thai), the wife gets the answer.

The other point I see alot is why dont Thai's like asking for directions or information ?

The wife will spend an eternity wandering around a store looking for something but will never ask a shop assistant, same when in the car, no way will she ask someone for directions to say a petrol station, is it all about losing face again ???

Thailand has a culture anchored in the past. They are drilled from childhood on rules to abide by, i.e.: never complain, never ask questions. It is not polite.

They are at this social level like automatons. It is a reflex, automatic behavior. The same applies to trusting a foreigner. The mantra will always be: Thai good, Farang bad. Sexpats living in Pattaya know this only too well.

Lastly, to say that Thais are timid is giving them the benefit of an undeserving doubt. They do not hesitate to be impolite to a Farang or to ask for a higher price on a purchase. Shy, timid? The same way that foxes are crazy.

I await the flames from the Thai apologists.

I have to ask again, since no one has answered the question, does this behavior of giving change to the wife or girlfriend also happen to Thai men? To me it is just an odd behavior I don't understand. Many have said this is part of Thai culture. The woman controls the money. But, does it happen if a Thai guy pays? Someone mentioned the waitress forgetting who paid as an explanation. How is it possible for a waitress to forget who paid in two minutes? This has happened to me many times. In the case of 7-11 maybe forgetting in 20 seconds? Shyness? No speaking is required to give back money. Thais I have noticed at 7-11 rarely speak to the cashier at all. What is the source of fear in giving money to a foreigner? If I go by myself I get the change. Why does having my wife with me make a difference? I have also noticed that if I eat by myself at a restaurant I get much more interaction from the waitress and more courteous service. To me it seems odd. So, what about the Thai guy? Same treatment because the woman is the accountant? Is a Thai girlfriend the accountant for her boyfriend. How do they even know we are married?

I think the main reason is shyness. You may accept the change without questions but we've all seen people get the change in 7-11 etc get the change then ask another question, many time incomprable to the person giving the change. I'm sure they give the change to the person who's language they speak. In my opinion it's no big deal people just wanting to deal with people they understand.

I'm sure we've all been at that point where we speak some Thai and then get a torrent of Thai back and just stand there confused. Just because the waiter etc speaks some English doesn't mean he wants to put himself on the spot for whatever English question might come his way.

[SabaiBKK]

<br /> Just as it is not important in restaurants to bring the food to everyone at the same time.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

yep I had the worst dining experience at the Sirroco at State tower... a total shame for the price of the dinner... I got my entrée by the time some of my friends were getting served their desert. i will never go there or recommend the place to anyone also because the food is way below average too. bad service + bad food = bye bye

what I don't understand is that the place is supposed to have a farang manager and a farang chef who are supposed to be trained in europe where it is important to serve all people at the same time ....

[joeed]

<br /> Just as it is not important in restaurants to bring the food to everyone at the same time.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

yep I had the worst dining experience at the Sirroco at State tower... a total shame for the price of the dinner... I got my entrée by the time some of my friends were getting served their desert. i will never go there or recommend the place to anyone also because the food is way below average too. bad service + bad food = bye bye

what I don't understand is that the place is supposed to have a farang manager and a farang chef who are supposed to be trained in europe where it is important to serve all people at the same time ....

That's indeed absolutely unacceptable in an upscale/farangs oriented restaurant.

My own explanation as to why food is not being served to everyone at the same time, is that Thais are often sharing the food when eating in a restaurant. When the first plate of food is coming, everyone will start eating anyway as the rice that goes with it is usually served quickly.

As other posters have mentioned, better get used to it anyway because it won't change soon.

[473geo]

I like this thread; I've always been frustrated that change gets given to my wife when I pay and am standing there, hand out, ready to be given the change. I'm actually younger than my wife, she earns slightly more than me and I do try to speak as much Thai as I can so I don't think social awkwardness is the reason - I think you're right, Semper, it is normal over here for the wife to control the household money. I have several friends and colleagues at work with wives from upcountry who give over all their salary each month. Their own money is then rationed and drip-fed back to them.

This leads to really funny scenarios, even funnier than not being given the change; I'll go over to a mate's house for a beer and after a while his wife will breeze into the living room and secretively pass over 1000 baht beer-money - obviously knowing that her own husband doesn't even have the change handy for a drink. What a way to live! I guess that's the price to pay when you re-marry later in life and are scared of your wife.

I'm with Bifftastic, my wife pays for almost everything, I smile politely hold my hand out for the change on most occasions, enjoy the millisecond look of confusion, then they either smile at me, and give the change to my wife, or giggle and give the change to me, then look at the wife and see her reaction, which as ever is just to smile an ok.

I would add I am in no way scared of my wife, I am very proud of her ability to run the family finances, why would I have the hassle of looking after money, keys, credit cards, bank book etc. I find it a real hassle getting my passport boarding card etc in and out of the bag at the airport. Let the wife carry and organise the everyday bits and pieces, isn't that why you buy them handbags?

Edited September 4, 2011 by 473geo

[MrFrank]

The change-giving thing happens all the time when I'm out with my GF, but it has never bothered me as I'm always happy to withdraw to a slightly aloof distance for this sort of thing; not least because this meets everyone's expectations of how it should go, so they're all more comfortable.

Regarding the matter of asking for directions: the other point to consider is that Thais are not (in my experience) very good at giving directions, which may lead them to regard asking someone else for them to be fruitless. Our western, Anglo-Saxon, highly linear brains are well geared up for things like map-reading and step by step processes or directions, but Asian brains are more circular in their processing, which is good for language skills, complex networks of relationships between things etc., but not so good for things like directions.

[bkkjames]

All this time I thought they handed to the person nearest.

I have seen this in practice when only a couple of us farangs were eating together.

Or they hand it to the mrs thinking she won't look for errors cause she assumed I ordered the wrong thing / extras?

Or they hand it to the person who looks the oldest?

Or its random based on the laziness of particular server?

I think its the last one.

Tip to avoid this annoyance: pay by credit card.

[bifftastic]

One stunt I pull is I do the talking in Thai and the GF pretends to be Filipina and not speak Thai...that blows them away and causes utter chaos in the kitchen.....only spoilt by the GF as she cant stop laughing...

I like that one!

regarding asking an assistant in a store where something is, usually that would be a waste of time, if they're standing by the dvd players, they only know where the dvd players are and will rattle on for ten minutes about dvd players, after much smiling and pointing at dvd players you will be none the wiser as to where the stuff you actually want to look at is.

I'm used to acknowledging staff in shops, a quick "hi" and a smile, my wife breezes through without even noticing their presence. At first I thought that was odd, but after having two or three of them 'attach' themselves to us offering to demonstrate dvd players when what we really wanted was spoons, I understand a bit more now

All in all, it doesn't really jar me, it's just different. My wife's coming to London soon, I wonder if she'll notice any differences

[jamora]

Yes, happens all the time, and being totally ignored as though you are invisible is common.

The norm is I'll ask the question (in thai), the wife gets the answer.

The other point I see alot is why dont Thai's like asking for directions or information ?

The wife will spend an eternity wandering around a store looking for something but will never ask a shop assistant, same when in the car, no way will she ask someone for directions to say a petrol station, is it all about losing face again ???

Thailand has a culture anchored in the past. They are drilled from childhood on rules to abide by, i.e.: never complain, never ask questions. It is not polite.

They are at this social level like automatons. It is a reflex, automatic behavior. The same applies to trusting a foreigner. The mantra will always be: Thai good, Farang bad. Sexpats living in Pattaya know this only too well.

Lastly, to say that Thais are timid is giving them the benefit of an undeserving doubt. They do not hesitate to be impolite to a Farang or to ask for a higher price on a purchase. Shy, timid? The same way that foxes are crazy.

I await the flames from the Thai apologists.

I have to ask again, since no one has answered the question, does this behavior of giving change to the wife or girlfriend also happen to Thai men? To me it is just an odd behavior I don't understand. Many have said this is part of Thai culture. The woman controls the money. But, does it happen if a Thai guy pays? Someone mentioned the waitress forgetting who paid as an explanation. How is it possible for a waitress to forget who paid in two minutes? This has happened to me many times. In the case of 7-11 maybe forgetting in 20 seconds? Shyness? No speaking is required to give back money. Thais I have noticed at 7-11 rarely speak to the cashier at all. What is the source of fear in giving money to a foreigner? If I go by myself I get the change. Why does having my wife with me make a difference? I have also noticed that if I eat by myself at a restaurant I get much more interaction from the waitress and more courteous service. To me it seems odd. So, what about the Thai guy? Same treatment because the woman is the accountant? Is a Thai girlfriend the accountant for her boyfriend. How do they even know we are married?

I dont know what the norm is, but for my Thai family, it happens all the time. If we go out, my dad-in-law always pays with cash or credit card, but the waitress always gives it back to my mom-in-law. The same with my brothers-in-law and their wives. But it is also always the woman of the paying man, that checks the bill, so it might have something to do with that.

About the not asking for direction, as far as I know from my Thai family and Thai friends, its because the directions they will get are probably wrong anyway! They claim that Thais don't like to loose face, so if you ask them something they ought to know, they will never say "I don't know" instead they will just direct you as far away from them as possible. I have tried it a few times at MBK, go to the first floor and ask for a shop, and they will confidently tell you to go to the 5th floor. After some searching, I'll go to the information on the 5th floor, where they will tell me to go to the 3rd floor!

In my experience the same goes for taxies, if you have covered half of your trip, but the driver is not certain exactly where I'm going, he never asks me, but just takes me to where he thinks I'm going...

Edited September 7, 2011 by jamora

[weary]

Our western, Anglo-Saxon, highly linear brains are well geared up for things like map-reading and step by step processes or directions, but Asian brains are more circular in their processing, which is good for language skills, complex networks of relationships between things etc., but not so good for things like directions.

Sorry. Do carry on.

[Kananga]

Agree 100% --- Thais are not rude people compared to many of us in the west. They simply don't have the same customs or rules of etiquette. We may interpret not saying, "Bless You" after somebody sneezes as rude but it is simply something not done here .... just as some things to Thais are considered rude that we do in the west. I figure being in their country, we need to adapt and not the other way around.

I wish Thais would remember this in the states. It is part of our culture to tip at least 15% at a restaurant as waiters make only 3-4 dollars an hour base.

However, nearly every Thai I knew there refused to tip or would leave an insulting amount. I often had to explain to people that if you can't afford to tip you should order carry out.

There is an easy solution to this. Introduce a Thai style dual pricing system. Mark up Thais food by 20% and give the proceeds of the extra amount to your wait staff.

[mulryan]

<br /> Just as it is not important in restaurants to bring the food to everyone at the same time.<br />

<br /><br /><br />

yep I had the worst dining experience at the Sirroco at State tower... a total shame for the price of the dinner... I got my entrée by the time some of my friends were getting served their desert. i will never go there or recommend the place to anyone also because the food is way below average too. bad service + bad food = bye bye

what I don't understand is that the place is supposed to have a farang manager and a farang chef who are supposed to be trained in europe where it is important to serve all people at the same time ....

That's indeed absolutely unacceptable in an upscale/farangs oriented restaurant.

My own explanation as to why food is not being served to everyone at the same time, is that Thais are often sharing the food when eating in a restaurant. When the first plate of food is coming, everyone will start eating anyway as the rice that goes with it is usually served quickly.

As other posters have mentioned, better get used to it anyway because it won't change soon.

I

In my experience as a chef in Thailand, the reason dishes sometimes come out one by one is, the cook does not have a clue about multi-tasking. The orders will come one by one as they are written on the bill. And that's that. No thinking outside the box. Conditioning compounded with an effort to do the least amount of work possible. And they will not prep until they absolutely have to. Or are told to do so...

[HOMERUNBANGKOK]

Happens to me 99% of the time....I pay, change handed back to the wife!