A Few One Liners

Whenever I fill out an application in the part where it says " Who to contact in an emergency" I always put "AMBULANCE". I mean, I love my mother but what on earth is she going to do?

A computer once beat me at chess but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has obviously never put one in a microwave.

In my experience most people don't act stupid- it's the real deal.

Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.

The lottery- a tax on people who aren't very good at mathematics.