Trying My Patience And Family Ties

[jamescollister]

Testing my tolerance

Been here a fair old time now and still I get taken aback by some of the goings on. The latest one which is on going now. 16 year old cousin of the wife and her toe rag boy friend rock up last night. They had been living in her mothers village house after returning from a year in Pattaya. Her mother is down in BKK where she also owns a house as well as one on Koh Samui, so not bog poor Thai farmers. Yesterday other brother rocks up from BKK and is on a Lao Kow and yabba binge and threatens to kill toe rag boy friend. They come here, first question I ask is why here and it's not because I am a farang, it's because my MIL is a soft touch. Ok they can stay the night we will sort something out in the morning.

Morning comes and 16 year old, who I now find out has one in the oven and toe rag boy friend are stuffing their faces sitting on the floor watching TV. FIL who I am always at odds with, as he believes, as the father he should be in charge, has grabbed his gun and run off to the jungle, not wanting to get involed. Wife tells me that she wants nothing to do with them, but MIL the soft touch wants to help. 16 year old wants to stay until her mother comes back to the village and sorts out the knife weilding brother. I am not overly keen on the idea, but to keep everyone happy I agree, but I will not be letting them sit around eating and watching TV all day. We are a worker short and toe rag boy friend can show up a the factory and make sheet rubber for their keep. Boy friend is in shock, work no way. He would rather go home to Pattaya than work. I drive him to the nearest village, about 7 km away so he can buy 2 tickets on tomorrows bus. 16 and pregnent doesn't want to go to Pattaya, she wants to stay and await her mother. The yelling stars between boy friend and 16 year old and I've had enough. Boy friend makes for the streeet as I come over to explian I don't want this if front of my kids. 16 year old is shortly off after boy friend crying for fogiveness.

Think Lao Kow brother has done nothing more then I would have done if I found my 16 year old sister pregnent, to a loser scumbag and loser scumbay could have done the right thing and done 4 hours of work a day to keep her happy.

Now I am not saying things like this don't happen in the west. I walked a beat in Birmingham and worked in the prisons in OZ, but there you don't just show up at a strangers home and expect things. Add to this the mother of the girl is the evil Aunt I had the run in with trying to steal my rubber trees. Family ties here are somewhat different.

Just thought I share, Jim

[ludditeman]

Don't let any of them live with you.

Don't mix with the family.

Don't let them interact with your children.

Don't drive them around.

My wife wants to see her family, I give her enough money for the bus fares and a couple of hundred baht a day to spend.

It works for me!

I had sussed my ones lot out and lost my patience within 3 days of the wedding.

Edited January 8, 2012 by ludditeman

[cdmtdm]

Don't let any of them live with you.

Don't mix with the family.

Don't let them interact with your children.

Don't drive them around.

My wife wants to see her family, I give her enough money for the bus fares and a couple of hundred baht a day to spend.

It works for me!

wow your wife is a lucky lady

my two cents James ... just let it ride they will sort themselves out , in the mean time hide the remote for the tv and lock the fridge .....

goodluck

[jamescollister]

Don't let any of them live with you.

Don't mix with the family.

Don't let them interact with your children.

Don't drive them around.

My wife wants to see her family, I give her enough money for the bus fares and a couple of hundred baht a day to spend.

It works for me!

wow your wife is a lucky lady

my two cents James ... just let it ride they will sort themselves out , in the mean time hide the remote for the tv and lock the fridge .....

goodluck

I'm with you, never had any bother from the FIL side, 7 brothers. It's all from the MIL side, just seem to be a disfunctional family. FIL doesn't want them, wife doesn't want them, but MIL has a kind heart. Hopefully this is the last of her family I will be having dealings with, as I have already shown the door to the rest I just don't understand the mentality at times. Had a run in with the uncle sometime ago. He was afraid to show his face in this village, yet he droped of his young son for a week during school holidays, so the kid could play on the computer. What can you do it;s only a kid. There is a different mind set and I just can't figure it out. Jim

[zzaa09]

Isaan Lakorn.

Cut all ties - start again

[richardjm65]

Drugs and/or Lao Kao - what to do? plus pregnant 16 year old kid who will most likely be left to cope and who eventually will park the offspring with MIL or whoever else she can find to take on that responsibility. It's really sad but there's not much you can do. Your western morals and sense of responsibility don't apply - and you're best off taking a back seat and watching how it unfolds, Thai style.

Your sense of reason and logic do not apply, Jim, and your attempts, (if any), to impose western standards will meet with hostility and resentment. I've seen it before, but never yet seen it resolved satisfactorily by a foreigner's intervention, unless it was by lavish financial generosity which, of course, sets you up as a soft touch for the future.

Good luck, hope you manage to keep your cool. It ain't your fight!

[bergen]

Cool down Jim - there are still have many years to live.

Sometimes it ain't easy here and the Thai logic might drive us insane, but then consider the options!!!!

[richard_smith237]

Good on you. You have set out your limitations and stuck to them.

IMO: This has nothing to do with Western Vs Thai cultural differences, its has nothing to do with a different moral code and standards. It has everything to do with a sense of entitlement and laziness that some people feel.

By planting the seeds of what you are prepared to tolerate and by maintaining this you will be respected. You may not be liked or favored, but its my experience that a reasonable level of firmness is respected and almost expected.

In these situations we are given enough rope to hang ourselves (metaphorically speaking) - We let others treat us or take advantage of us up to the level which we are prepare to tolerate.

The Op has simply decided not to tolerate this behavior in terms that can be understood by anyone involved.

With a young child on the way the 16 year old will need help. The toe rag will disappear soon enough and if he doesn't as a father he will need help too. It is possible to be supportive and firm, hopefully this episode is a valuable lesson for him.

[riepan963]

Reading from the 7 quick responses it's an all too common problem. As J.Collister has been here so long and a frequent and respected scribe to this forum, I'm surprised you tolerate this behaviour. I stopped it 8 years ago by evicting one 18 year old visiting nephew after he ignored my many requests to just conform a little bit to our standards. Had many visiting since and it usually goes like clockwork and we all get along fine. Other than that, I never ever get involved with the family disagreements.

My main advantage is ( as I have previously written ) that we set up home in a small town 250 kms away from the village; even the missus appreciates the buffer zone between us.

[kwonitoy]

These are the things that are sent to test use I guess,

I'm with you on the work thing, we get numerous cousins showing up for a handout and like you with a rubber operation there are always things that need doing around our place. The offer of work for money somehow always seem to have them remember other things that they need to do elsewhere and off they go.

One thing that has developed around our house is that people and relatives are more than welcome during the day, they sit out back in the thai house/kitchen, cook, eat, sleep,watch TV, to there hearts content but come sundown as they say at closing time, " it doesnt' matter where you go, but you can't stay here". The wife also likes it that way and if she explains that's the way I want it, no problem. Face saved and guest's out the door.

Coming into the big house and raiding the fridge and watching the big screen TV, not going to happen.

My wife's cousin got banged up on Jan 3 for dealing Ya Ba. He's 44 years old. Well now he's in the monkey house and uncle and auntie are freaking about their baby in jail, nevermind that he's a career criminal. Uncle and Aunt phone the wife, they need to get 2 chanotes from our rubber land to raise money for bail. That got nipped in the bud immediatly by me. Told the wife to tell uncle and aunt he's your kid you take care of him. I'll drive them to the bank, to the jail, but I will not lend money or jepordize our land for this worthless POS. Money magically got raised without my input. And I did drive them to the bank so they could send it on for his bail.

Hang in there Jim, this too will pass

Ken

[jamescollister]

Will finsih off this sad saga, scumbag and 16 year old are on the bus back to Pattaya. If this sounds like some Romeo and Jullet story, far from it. Romeo in this case is a 6 foot mid 20s gold ear ring type, only thing missing were the words pimp tattooed on his forehead.. Little miss 16 year old doesn't look a day under 21 and would turn heads in a bikini on any beach in the world.

FIL returns from a night in the jungle, some sort of family conference is held and lots of phone calls made. I am never privy to what goes on as they believe any thing bad to do with the family will put the whole family in shame in my eyes.

FIL sits down to clean his rifle at the front of the house and calls scumbag over as he cleans the rifle. Words to the effect are, you are not from this village or area and will not be welcomed back again. Scumbag is visibly wishing he had caught the night bus.

As I said I am not privy to the goings on, but the wife gives me just enough info to keep me somewhat in the loop. Seems sumbag was not here for his love of a peaceful rural life, but for a need to stay out of jail, as is the knife wielding uncle, but he is a local. This is a police free area, uniformed police will not enter unless mob handed and usually with army back up. That gives anyone who does not want to be found plenty of time to melt into the jungle or walk over to Lao.

Anyway think that's the last of the MILs kin that will be visiting here. You just got to love it.

As I said earlier rest rest of the family is great, never asked for anything more than can they borrow the car for a wedding or such. Guess every village, town has it;s spoongers and losers and in ours they all seem to be on the MILs side. Jim

[zzaa09]

I'm saddened, even empathetic, for you Jim.

Your immediate family still sees you a foreign element - rather discounted.

[jamescollister]

I'm saddened, even empathetic, for you Jim.

Your immediate family still sees you a foreign element - rather discounted.

I will always be the farang no matter how much time passes and will never be a Thai. My honour code and way of thinking will also always be western. Add to that I am the first and for many the only white man they have ever seen, I am alien to them, but I can live with that. They see things in one light, I in another. As for keeping me out of some things, probably a good idea. I am an ex cop and prison officer, how will the farang act if someone goes for a one way walk into the jungle. Jim_

[richardjm65]

At least there's a result - of sorts. Because of a similar situation in our village, this was on my mind whilst doing a re-supply drive to Korat today. It would seem that the family have sorted it, at least temporarily, but I imagine it will eventually finish up with the 16 year old kid parking the yet unborn with relatives. Given the looks you've attributed to her, she'll probably finish up on the strip - waitress, cashier, hooker. Who knows?

Depending on her relationship with Scumbag, she'll either work for him or go freelance. She won't be left with much in the way of choice.

You're obviously upset by the whole thing, more so because of your inability to influence matters and I therefore suggest that your input into family affairs should be only by proxy, via your missus, who may pass on your concerns and possible solutions, discreetly, in her own manner.

I also suggest that if the situation were reversed, consider the possibility of a complete outsider suggesting solutions to a family problem in your own country, and the predictable reactions from the various involved family members. Anyway, that's what TV's about - giving us the opportunity to talk about our various frustrations. I sincerely hope that this works out for the best - though I'd expect the story is far from over.

You come across as a decent sort of guy, so don't be too thrown by circumstances over which you have little control. Cheers.

[jamescollister]

At least there's a result - of sorts. Because of a similar situation in our village, this was on my mind whilst doing a re-supply drive to Korat today. It would seem that the family have sorted it, at least temporarily, but I imagine it will eventually finish up with the 16 year old kid parking the yet unborn with relatives. Given the looks you've attributed to her, she'll probably finish up on the strip - waitress, cashier, hooker. Who knows?

Depending on her relationship with Scumbag, she'll either work for him or go freelance. She won't be left with much in the way of choice.

You're obviously upset by the whole thing, more so because of your inability to influence matters and I therefore suggest that your input into family affairs should be only by proxy, via your missus, who may pass on your concerns and possible solutions, discreetly, in her own manner.

I also suggest that if the situation were reversed, consider the possibility of a complete outsider suggesting solutions to a family problem in your own country, and the predictable reactions from the various involved family members. Anyway, that's what TV's about - giving us the opportunity to talk about our various frustrations. I sincerely hope that this works out for the best - though I'd expect the story is far from over.

You come across as a decent sort of guy, so don't be too thrown by circumstances over which you have little control. Cheers.

Richad thanks for the support, think I will live with this one. As I said earlier been here for awhile now and this little incident is small compared to some. In real terms these things would have happened whether I was here or not. It's just the rural Thai way, but just not in my house. As for the girl, think she has already been working the bars, in Thai terms rich kid gone bad, happens everywhere. As for me I an;t going anywhere, if the Lao bandits couldn't get me out, no girl who is no blood of mine and a two bit pimp are going to make a difference. The wifes family, FIL, MIL and BILs are good honest people, if somewhat stupid in western terms, but they and I live in a place that is not western. That's life in a jungle village and I would rather be here then in the max wing of some prison working. Jim