Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand.........

[ShanePashen]

TGF or Bargirl: Even though I like them both the same, I'll have a Spy instead of a Breezer, because it's half the price and saves you some money darling.

[xthAi76s]

Thai Soi Dog:

"(in phaasaa Dog Thai) -- I will not lay down in the middle of this dangerous road because I could get hurt really bad like many of my friends."

[ShanePashen]

Kathu police to Farrang Bar owner, "forget the money this month, just stay open as long as you want, and if you have any problems you have my number call me anytime 24/7

[ShanePashen]

Kathu police again!; This month were having a blitz on No helmets, targeting exclusively Thai nationals

[balo]

Farang to his Thai gf:

Can I borrow 1000 baht

[maidu]

Thai pseudo cop to his fellow pseudo cop in downtown Bkk: "I know we can make thousands of baht per day busting farang for allegedly dropping a cigg butt on the sidewalk, but I don't think it's right. Particularly if the farang is not a smoker and also in lieu of us not bothering regular Thais who toss trash everywhere all day long."

Mayors of Pattaya and Phuket: "it's not right that tourists are getting ripped off every day by Jetski rental mobs. Regardless of the kickbacks, I'm going to shut down the extortion racket. No jetskis, period."

Mayors of Pattaya and Phuket: "Furthermore, I'm going to set up a sting operation against jetskin extortionists, even though Thai cops are notorious for not being able to successfully do sting operations. And while we're at it, we're going to bust taxi drivers that overcharge tourists. Any who are found guilty will be fined Bt.5,000 first offense, and Bt.20,000 2nd offense and be barred from driving a taxi."

Phuket mayor: "We will have shuttle buses between the airport and tourist destinations. I will no longer be bullied by taxi drivers."

Thai government: "Because most bureaucrats and gov't workers essentially do nothing, we will lay off 70% of government workers. Sorry. Each laid off worker will get 2 months re-training for useful and/or environmental services."

Thai government: "Because of millions of sq. meters of unused government building space, we will do one of two things with 70% of government buildings. Some we'll sell. We'll turn other buildings to more useful purposes such as libraries, youth centers, science museums, thrift stores for 2nd hand and recycled items, and centers to foster inventiveness and the arts."

[TomTao]

Thai shopper at Makro - this is the ten items or less check out and I have three full shopping carts, best I go to another check out so all these people behind me with only one or two items don't have to wait.

[pauljones]

Motorcycle driver:

I'm gonna look before I pull out.

[pauljones]

Taxi in front of Pattaya Central Festival shopping center:

Since you bought something and are carrying a large box I am going refuse using the meter and gouge you on the fare.

(yes I realize we do this all day long in front of the Soi 9 Police Station)

[pauljones]

Pattaya Taxi Driver:

You were stupid to invest in a business, house, real estate, etc. off the Baht Bus route because we don't have to honer our contract with City Hall and gouge every single customer that needs to go there.

[ShanePashen]

Today I will act like a true Buddhist, and show humility and compassion towards my fellow motorists and pedestrians.

I will be especially respectful and courteous towards those who are visiting my country, from another for off land.

[Payboy]

I understand that my 2nd hand pick-up truck is no match for your high-end multi-million baht European sports car, so I'm not going to try racing you when this light turns green.

[IMA_FARANG]

Farang: (Fat, drunk, and ugly old guy in Pattaya variety and wearing a 'Real Men go to Pattaya' T-shirt)...."The real reason I'm here is because I'm to fat and old to get laid in my home country; and anyhow the women there are to stuck-up and bossy for me to handle anyhow".

[maidu]

big Thai boy: "During Songkran, I will not throw bucketfulls of water at pretty girls riding motorcycles. It might knock them over and cause grave injury."

Mayor of any Thai city: "We're going to revert back to a gentler time when Songkran was a one day celebration where people reverently sprinkled water on others. Starting this year, Songkran celebration will be a one day affair, and any revelers who are seen to be acting in such a way that endangers others, will be cited with on-the-spot 500 baht fine."

Police chief of any city: My officers are going to cite any vehicles going through red lights. Bt.1,000 first offense, Bt.5,000 second offense."

Thai U students: we're going to conduct some surveys in our town, to gauge the following: (A.) How often people go over the median line on a curved road (B.) How many people per hour go through red lights, and by how many seconds. (C.) How often drivers stop at zebra crossings when pedestrians are plainly waiting to cross.

Gov't: We're going to start a campaign to encourage Thais to appreciate second hand things. Part of that campaign will be to show that 2nd hand clothes, for example, don't contain ghosts or spirits of the people who used to wear them. We're going to encourage the establishment of thrift stores, garage sales throughout Thailand. By doing so, people will save money, particularly when they realize they don't always have to purchase everthing at retail prices."

Gov't: we're going to enact a program to enccourage passive solar pre-heat systems throughout Thailand. It's estimated tens of millions of baht could be saved annually, through less use of electricity and propane."

Thai gov't: We're going to set up free-access workshops throughout Thailand, where budding inventors and craftspeople can go to hone their crafts."

more gov't: we're going to establish decent libraries and youth centers (art, crafts, music, dance, alternative energy, inventions, innovative thinking, etc) throughout Thailand. No TV's and limit computer use to 1 hour per person per day. Talented facilitators will be hired to go from town to town, sharing their skills and knowledge."

gov't again: "Because we realize that English language prowess is advantagous to Thais, we're going to enable resident farang to assist with teaching/coaching English in library settings. We'll also facilitate 'English Camps' for Thai youngsters."

[pauljones]

Thai Policeman:

I'm going to flag down that Mercedes Benz and give them a ticket.

[pauljones]

At the Airport Departure Gate:

I wont rush the gate when the attendant announces early boarding for disabled, elderly & people with babies.

[pauljones]

Thai cabinet maker:

Let's put all the screws in the cabinet hinge and tighten them throughly.

[pauljones]

Thai builder:

That doesn't look straight/square/plumb/level/accurate.

[pauljones]

Thai eating;

This smells rank.

[canuckamuck]

Thai person of influence:

We really need to have a look at the Thai alphabet and knock out all those redundant sounds.

[pauljones]

Thai wife of Farang:

My husband explained to me that unplugging the fan doesn't save electricity so I will leave it plugged in as not to annoy him.

[pauljones]

Thai wife to farang:

Honey, I cleaned the fridge and threw out all that rotten food.

[canuckamuck]

Thai builder: If I can't do it right it just ain't worth doing at all.

[pauljones]

Farang talking to another Farang:

See that guy with the T shirt, 'Good Guys Go To Heaven and Bad Guys Go To Pattaya.'

He looks cool.

[pauljones]

Thai person:

Safety first!

[pauljones]

Thai:

It's important to not let food sit around for hours/days in the hot sun.

Someone could get ill.

[pauljones]

Farang: (Fat, drunk, and ugly old guy in Pattaya variety and wearing a 'Real Men go to Pattaya' T-shirt)...."The real reason I'm here is because I'm to fat and old to get laid in my home country; and anyhow the women there are to stuck-up and bossy for me to handle anyhow".

That one cant be on the list. I say it all the time.

.

[thequietman]

Farrang : are you listening to me?

Thai wife : Yes.

[thequietman]

Thai wife : so you think it will work better if we do it like you suggest ?

Farang husband : Yes honey, after all, this has been my area of expertise for 25 years now. I know what I,m talking about.

Thai wife : OK honey, your way is best.

[thequietman]

Farang to neighbor who has no windows or doors on his house but a shithot stereo system and speakers : can you turn the volume down a little please, afterall, it's 2 o'clock in the morning ?

Thai neighbor : Ofcourse. Sorry.