So I Was On A Bus........

[theblether]

It started in Tha Ton, if you ever get a chance get yourself up to Tha Ton next to the Burmese border. The boat trip from Tha Ton to Chiang Rai is excellent, and you'll get a chance to see some real Thai rural life on the way down. The boat journey is three hours and it stops off at an elephant camp and snake farm. Now that sounds impressive, but I'll tell you what is really impressive.........I saw a healthy buffalo. I know you don't believe me, but it's true!!

Tha Ton itself is a sleepy little one street village, with a couple of beautiful Temples. I booked into a cottage by the River and was fascinated to watch the fishermen out netting their catch for the day. Well worth a visit, well worth an overnight, and don't forget you're camera, there are some breathtaking views. But that's not the point, the point is......the bus.

We arrived in Chiang Rai and booked into the hotel for one night, went for a walk around and were suitably impressed by this lovely little northern town, another place that is well worth a visit and I have been back since for a few days to soak up more atmosphere and to visit the superb Doi Tung Royal complex. Myself and my travel party rolled out to the bus station the next morning, expecting to easily hop on to the VIP bus back to Chiang Mai.

My travel party? Well I cannot disclose the real names but let's call them the Fireman, Dundee, and Harald, who is German by the way. we were disappointed to hear that the VIP bus was full, however we were mollified when the nice lady with the glint in her eye said that we could catch the 14.00 hour Second Class bus. Great, a couple of hours to burn so we could have lunch, and this delightful lady with the big grin and glinting eyes gave us the very special seats on row 11. Lovely lady.

We made our way to one of the little restaurants next to the station and were entertained with the sight of the Soi dogs intermittently romancing each other and making soft gentle love, as they do, and then being reduced to snarling dog fights. I speak a bit of dog, I know what the cause of the fight was. What happened was the male dog said to the bitch that he would love her forever, jumped on, had his evil way with her, jumped off and said "Finish yourself off"........well you can imagine the reaction from that bitch huh?

So the bus turned up, and we trooped on, down to the special seats at the back that the lady had allocated for us. It was an old bus to be fair, what do you expect when it's second hand? But I suppose comfortable enough. On came the usual cast you see on a Thai bus, the Mum and kids, the Monks, the young people heading back to work in Chiang Mai, and we're off. Totally unremarkable. leaving me with memories of Tha Ton, Chiang Rai and the special glint in the bus ladies eye.

We pulled out off Chiang Rai city limits, turned right, then we were off!!.......I think the first time I realized there was something wrong was when I saw bottles of M-50 and Red Bull being tossed out of the drivers window. I didn't know that using the brakes was against the law on Thai buses either, this old rickety bus flew up to 120 kph and stayed their, irrespective of curves in the road, oncoming traffic, nothing. Being cool and charismatic as I am, I sat their unperturbed for about 3 minutes, then the panic started to set in.

Dundee was sitting next to me, and he was going the same way. "theblether, what the hell is going on here, does this guy have a driving licence?" he asked going a whiter shade of pale. Theblether was unable to answer as the bus was hurtling towards a bend at high speed, and theblether could see a drop on the other side that would guarantee headlines. Fireman was looking straight ahead in a state of panic and Harald was sleeping. The bus swerved up onto what felt like two wheels and just managed to sneak round the corner, surely the driver knew he was at his limits. No, accelerate, there's a little farmers buggy, let's overtake in front of oncoming traffic. At this point theblether, Dundee and Fireman reached for the handles in on our seats, this is it, all over. Here come's a head on crash into a bus coming the other way as we overtook the little truck full of chickens. There were no handles, they had been ripped off, we could see where they had been off and on a few times, but now they were off and gone and that's it. Special seats??, the special scary seats at the back of the bus!! Just at the last second the bus pulled in, cutting the nose off the Chicken truck, and we survived this close encounter with death. I heard the chickens shouting "Cluck off you idiot" to the driver, ( I speak Chicken too ), as we settled into a temporary release from terror. All too temporary though, here comes another corner.

The bus went whizzing round and my heart sank to my ankles, it wasn't lonely as Dundees heart was down there too. This is beyond a joke, I looked up and saw the Monks looking unperturbed, it's ok for them, they have 500 lives to play with, I've only got the one. Accelerate, downhill, overtake, corner, accelerate, overtake, downhill, corner, accelarate, overtake, downhill, corner........blur, blur, heart palpitations, sweats, close eyes, pray. Not working.......try again, oh no there goes another Red Bull out the window . Accelerate, downhill, overtake, corner, accelerate, overtake, downhill, corner, accelarate, overtake, downhill, corner........blur, blur, heart palpitations, sweats, close eyes, not working again. Try praying again, Dear God, Dear Buddha, Dear anybody, please help me survive this nightmare. Dundee is collapsing into a pool of sweat and Fireman is transfixed into a state of shock. Harald is sleeping.

Ok......I know what to do, just close your eyes like it's Xmas Eve and don't open them again. At least at Xmas Eve when you open them you have a lot of presents to look forward to. This policy was going well up until Fireman decided to give us a running commentary. Theblether, theblether, another corner, oh no he;s overtaking, oh no, BRAKE BRAKE, oh no another corner, here come's a truck, oh no oh no.......corner CORner, CORNER!!!......I opened my eyes to see this final corner just in time to see us flashing past a graveyard. Lucky bast*rds, at least they didn't haven't to endure this. One of the monks gave me a calm smile and try to help me through my predicament. I appreciate the effort sir, but could you drive the bus please? I thought to myself. Anything would be better than this nutter. Out goes the last Red Bull........and out goes my last hope of survival. I've never been in a plane crash but I would like to think there is that moment of calm when you know it's all over, and that will be fine. That's how I felt at this moment. It's a lost cause, relax, and if you die, you die. That's it.

I hand Dundee a towel to dry himself, he has lost 10kg of sweat in the past two hours. Fireman has returned to his transfixed state, and Harald is still sleeping. You'll be pleased to hear we made it back to Chiang Mai, Dundee ran to the bottom of the bus to assault the driver, but the driver had leaped out and ran for his life. Fireman awoke from his trance and Harald awoke from his sleep and said " What happened?".

Back to the hotel, I was on my knees thanking everyone I could think of for helping me through this day, straight onto the whisky, and myself Dundee and Fireman had a right rattle at calming our nerves. Harald went for a sleep.

I was sitting there thinking about the nice lady that gave us the special seats, that smile and glint in her eye, that evil bitch knew what she was doing. It was "Terrify a Farang" day and she had won first prize.

So my questions is........do you like travelling by bus in Thailand?

[CARLIN]

No ..F No

[onionluke]

I get on the disco bus from Det Udom up to Ubon every now and then .

[David48]

As a Boy, I supposed the roller coaster terrified you also

OH ... great story telling BTW.

Obviously Harald was a seasoned Thai traveller.

Poor Dundee lost 10kg of sweat ... In the buses, I always wondered what those puddles were at the base of some seats, I just assumed that the Air-con was leaking. Now I know that it signals 'Farang sat here last'.

[theblether]

As a Boy, I supposed the roller coaster terrified you also

OH ... great story telling BTW.

Obviously Harald was a seasoned Thai traveller.

Poor Dundee lost 10kg of sweat ... In the buses, I always wondered what those puddles were at the base of some seats, I just assumed that the Air-con was leaking. Now I know that it signals 'Farang sat here last'.

Correct re the "Farang sat here last"......as for Harald.........we were never sure if he was awake or not, a boring kind of guy......as he would be being German .

[KeyserSoze01]

How long did it take you to learn to speak chicken?

[theblether]

How long did it take you to learn to speak chicken?

I was born chicken.......when I was a toddler my Dad kept telling me to cluck off. He used to sit on an egg and pretend he was giving birth to a new son.

Scarred me for life that did.

[MaiChai]

I drive myself; its much safer. When a nutter comes up behind me and sits on my tail, I let him go, and as he passes I say "Go kill yourself...".

Tip: don't get buses at night; the chances of you dieing really increase.

Edited March 21, 2012 by MaiChai

[IanForbes]

As a Boy, I supposed the roller coaster terrified you also

OH ... great story telling BTW.

Obviously Harald was a seasoned Thai traveller.

Poor Dundee lost 10kg of sweat ... In the buses, I always wondered what those puddles were at the base of some seats, I just assumed that the Air-con was leaking. Now I know that it signals 'Farang sat here last'.

X2

Great story, blether. I believe every word of it because I've "bin dere dun dat" and I had to laugh at the memory of it. There are some things that happen to us that we just have to try and accept and make some attempt at relaxing. You just have to trust in fate and hope you survive. But, hopefully, you learn from your adventure. It's kind of like riding a motorbike in Asian traffic. You KNOW what CAN happen; you just hope it doesn't.

For the very reason your story pointed out, I find that a good deal of PRIOR planning makes things go a lot smoother. I still ride the bus regularly from Chiang Mai to Mai Sai, but I only travel by the VIP Green bus. Of course, that doesn't entirely elimenate the risk. Your vehicle might be doing everything right, but the on comming idiot will take you out by doing something stupid.

It's part of the adventure of being in Thailand.

[garrya]

Great writing. Thanks for sharing it. So you have finally joined the gang of the bus lovers in Thailand.

It must have been a quite frightening experience. I am pretty sure the whisky was never tastier than that afterwards.

I had the same feeling when travelling from Phuket to Hatyai, 7 hours journey. At the beginning of the journey my wife found out that the bus was late so we might speed up a little bit. That time I didnt know what that means in Thailand. Additionally, we had a nice pouring down rain. We had a couple of near misses, although chickens were not ivolved. And all the way long we had to relax with soothing voice of the horn, that he never missed to use, not a single minute without that and not mentioning the the great dvd of the concert of the Carabao. The dvd was only about 60 mins long, but you can be sure, we got the repeat again and again, at least 6 times on ear-piercing volume.

[canuckamuck]

I think you made up the part about what the dog said.

[IanForbes]

I think you made up the part about what the dog said.

No he didn't. I talk to dogs all the time and some even aswer back.

Some ask me if they can have a piece of my fried chicken

Some tell me to "F" off

Some say "I didn't mean to eat the last of fried pork. I thought it was left there for me"

Some say,,, "we're sleeping and it's a hot day, would you kindly leave us alone"

Some say... "You know I am a bitch and I'm trying to get through this crap the best way I know how."

And one of my good buddies who I often stop and scratch his ears will tell me..."Look, I know we are friends, but the boss just came home and I've got to put on a show of being a guard dog"

this is his normal pose outside the gate when the boss ain't home.

[theblether]

Fantastic Ian......and that is exactly what they are saying because remember, I speak dog very good. MaiChai and GarryA........your not wrong about the driving. I genuinely was terrified, I have never felt such a sustained fear in my life. In my defence Dundee and Fireman felt the same way.

In future it's fly everywhere for me, or drive with someone I trust.

[onionluke]

Fantastic Ian......and that is exactly what they are saying because remember, I speak dog very good. MaiChai and GarryA........your not wrong about the driving. I genuinely was terrified, I have never felt such a sustained fear in my life. In my defence Dundee and Fireman felt the same way.

In future it's fly everywhere for me, or drive with someone I trust.

Go for the bike like a true nature's child .

[tutsiwarrior]

only unprotected little kids and blethers use public bus transportation in Thailand...I stick to bicycles and skateboards when I do my shopping down the market...

great story, though...there is the allure of the middle aged asian lady and her 'glint' that may or may not conceal a malicious intention...and there's only one way to find out...see if she can dance...

Edited March 23, 2012 by tutsiwarrior

[BookMan]

I think you made up the part about what the dog said.

No he didn't. I talk to dogs all the time and some even aswer back.

Some ask me if they can have a piece of my fried chicken

Some tell me to "F" off

Some say "I didn't mean to eat the last of fried pork. I thought it was left there for me"

Some say,,, "we're sleeping and it's a hot day, would you kindly leave us alone"

Some say... "You know I am a bitch and I'm trying to get through this crap the best way I know how."

And one of my good buddies who I often stop and scratch his ears will tell me..."Look, I know we are friends, but the boss just came home and I've got to put on a show of being a guard dog"

this is his normal pose outside the gate when the boss ain't home.

Couple of nice doggie pics there!

[BookMan]

We pulled out off Chiang Rai city limits, turned right, then we were off!!.......I think the first time I realized there was something wrong was when I saw bottles of M-50 and Red Bull being tossed out of the drivers window. I didn't know that using the brakes was against the law on Thai buses either, this old rickety bus flew up to 120 kph and stayed their, irrespective of curves in the road, oncoming traffic, nothing. Being cool and charismatic as I am, I sat their unperturbed for about 3 minutes, then the panic started to set in.

I looked up and saw the Monks looking unperturbed, it's ok for them, they have 500 lives to play with, I've only got the one.

classic

Great story Blether. keep 'em coming.

[theblether]

We pulled out off Chiang Rai city limits, turned right, then we were off!!.......I think the first time I realized there was something wrong was when I saw bottles of M-50 and Red Bull being tossed out of the drivers window. I didn't know that using the brakes was against the law on Thai buses either, this old rickety bus flew up to 120 kph and stayed their, irrespective of curves in the road, oncoming traffic, nothing. Being cool and charismatic as I am, I sat their unperturbed for about 3 minutes, then the panic started to set in.

I looked up and saw the Monks looking unperturbed, it's ok for them, they have 500 lives to play with, I've only got the one.

classic

Great story Blether. keep 'em coming.

Thanks very much, there are more in the pipeline

[IanForbes]

I actually had a bus trip that was totally unlike your ride. It was from Phrae to Chiang Mai and normally takes about 4 plus hours. The driver was alert and quick, but he didn't take chances. The ride was smooth and fast and I actually fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up just before we got to Lampang. If I can I always pay attention to the drivers and how they manipulate through traffic. In this case I was in the front seat and right behind the driver.This guy was one of the best I've seen and I actually complimented him at the end of our journey. He was a bit surprised, but quite pleased.

[theblether]

I actually had a bus trip that was totally unlike your ride. It was from Phrae to Chiang Mai and normally takes about 4 plus hours. The driver was alert and quick, but he didn't take chances. The ride was smooth and fast and I actually fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up just before we got to Lampang. If I can I always pay attention to the drivers and how they manipulate through traffic. In this case I was in the front seat and right behind the driver.This guy was one of the best I've seen and I actually complimented him at the end of our journey. He was a bit surprised, but quite pleased.

Did you take his photo? Please tell me you took his photo.......I need to see this guy.

[StreetCowboy]

I actually had a bus trip that was totally unlike your ride. It was from Phrae to Chiang Mai and normally takes about 4 plus hours. The driver was alert and quick, but he didn't take chances. The ride was smooth and fast and I actually fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up just before we got to Lampang. If I can I always pay attention to the drivers and how they manipulate through traffic. In this case I was in the front seat and right behind the driver.This guy was one of the best I've seen and I actually complimented him at the end of our journey. He was a bit surprised, but quite pleased.

Did you take his photo? Please tell me you took his photo.......I need to see this guy.

See? There are some good drivers in Thailand. And the best of it was, he was doing it all blindfold, taking instructions from a clairvoyant

SC

EDIT: That's just speculation on my part - I don't want a whole bunch of people piling in here saying how its ridiculous that so many bus drivers rive blindfold, and that the blindfold drivers are the worst...

I remember getting a bus on the hill road over to the south side of HK island with a driver who was either a bit sleepy or a reeeally slow blinker...

SC

[theblether]

I actually had a bus trip that was totally unlike your ride. It was from Phrae to Chiang Mai and normally takes about 4 plus hours. The driver was alert and quick, but he didn't take chances. The ride was smooth and fast and I actually fell asleep for a couple of hours and woke up just before we got to Lampang. If I can I always pay attention to the drivers and how they manipulate through traffic. In this case I was in the front seat and right behind the driver.This guy was one of the best I've seen and I actually complimented him at the end of our journey. He was a bit surprised, but quite pleased.

Did you take his photo? Please tell me you took his photo.......I need to see this guy.

See? There are some good drivers in Thailand. And the best of it was, he was doing it all blindfold, taking instructions from a clairvoyant

SC

EDIT: That's just speculation on my part - I don't want a whole bunch of people piling in here saying how its ridiculous that so many bus drivers rive blindfold, and that the blindfold drivers are the worst...

I remember getting a bus on the hill road over to the south side of HK island with a driver who was either a bit sleepy or a reeeally slow blinker...

SC

I would feel safer with a blindfolded driver than with that lunatic that drove the bus that day.........turned me to drink he did.

[edwinclapham]

You really should write a book, you really have the artistic flair and humour to see life as it really is! Keep them coming Blether!

[Sktoo]

Interesting and adventurous.. I might have a try soon..

Sent from my iPhone using ThaiVisa app

[theblether]

Interesting and adventurous.. I might have a try soon..

Sent from my iPhone using ThaiVisa app

Let me assure you.......I won't be going with you.......oh no, no way

[smokie36]

Interesting and adventurous.. I might have a try soon..

Sent from my iPhone using ThaiVisa app

Let me assure you.......I won't be going with you.......oh no, no way

That's a relief!!

[theblether]

Interesting and adventurous.. I might have a try soon..

Sent from my iPhone using ThaiVisa app

Let me assure you.......I won't be going with you.......oh no, no way

That's a relief!!

You better believe it Smokie.........that trip will not be on your Chiang Mai agenda.

[tutsiwarrior]

I like to see this thread revived as I have some bus stories of my own mostly having to with being dragged from place to place when I was 15 y.o. in Bolivia; from La Paz-Oruro-Cochabamba-Santa Cruz and then onto Montero where my dad was hiding like Kurtz upriver in the jungle...and the buses were horribly uncomfortable, simple school buses with bench seats...no water and folks were sick all the time from altitude and motion sickness...very unpleasant...and they would shout 'Bolsa!' before vomiting all over the place...

we finally found my dad in a construction camp outside of Montero and he wasn't glad to see us as he had already remarried with a new family and then he got pissed off at me and my long hair and marched me down to a barber and said: 'corte militar!' and he messed with me big time and I never forgot it...you never <deleted> with someones hair as it is simple humiliation...

and then I ended up back in Cochabamba and then on a school excursion and went back to Montero where there was another missionary school and to my bolivian associates I said I know this place and they said: 'whaaa? yer a fcukin' gringo and how do you know about this place?' and then I was embarrassed with my folks and their problems...

once on the road from Santa Cruz to Cochabamba a woman and her small son shared their blanket with me on the bus and my faith in human decency was restored...

I presently have little patience with unjustified criticism from anyone...them dirt tracks in Bolivia in 1965 seriously messed with me heid...

[smokie36]

I took a bus with my cousin from Edinburgh to London one evening...we were the last on the bus and had to sit opposite each other...me beside a young female student and her beside this guy with a beard.

If ya wanna hear the story....let me know....

Edit: OK so we are ten minutes into the journey and my cousin leans over to me and with a wicked smile says..." I bet i can shag him before you shag her..."

Edited June 20, 2012 by smokie36

[theblether]

I like to see this thread revived as I have some bus stories of my own mostly having to with being dragged from place to place when I was 15 y.o. in Bolivia; from La Paz-Oruro-Cochabamba-Santa Cruz and then onto Montero where my dad was hiding like Kurtz upriver in the jungle...and the buses were horribly uncomfortable, simple school buses with bench seats...no water and folks were sick all the time from altitude and motion sickness...very unpleasant...and they would shout 'Bolsa!' before vomiting all over the place...

we finally found my dad in a construction camp outside of Montero and he wasn't glad to see us as he had already remarried with a new family and then he got pissed off at me and my long hair and marched me down to a barber and said: 'corte militar!' and he messed with me big time and I never forgot it...you never <deleted> with someones hair as it is simple humiliation...

and then I ended up back in Cochabamba and then on a school excursion and went back to Montero where there was another missionary school and to my bolivian associates I said I know this place and they said: 'whaaa? yer a fcukin' gringo and how do you know about this place?' and then I was embarrassed with my folks and their problems...

once on the road from Santa Cruz to Cochabamba a woman and her small son shared their blanket with me on the bus and my faith in human decency was restored...

I presently have little patience with unjustified criticism from anyone...them dirt tracks in Bolivia in 1965 seriously messed with me heid...

Brilliant Tutsi, just brilliant

@Smokie..........I was that guy with the beard. She was right