I Blew Up At The Missus This Evening.

[hands22]

Yes, have a break! Take the daughter along if that is ok. You can't have a good holiday if you keep thinking about your daughter.

[ebmzlm]

Once you take care of everything financially they are not interested at all.

Instead of drinking go for a short time.

[robblok]

Has anyone here ever had a reasonable resolution to any problem by sitting down with their Thai SO and having a discussion about YOUR issues? I know I haven't. It's like talking to a wall. Once a Thai has something set in their mind -or- you take them to task on YOUR issues, it's always the same result, for me anyway. I get the dead-eyes look as if I am the one that is crazy.

Sorry to be negative, but the OP needs to put himself first, then his extended family. Including the step-daughter.

If your wife just ups and disappears after an argument, without so much as a goodbye, then that speaks volumes. I suggest that the OP do the same. I would tell the step-daughter that dad has to go away for a while and that mom will take care. Then just leave for an indefinite length of time. It will give both you and your wife time to decide what is important. If when you return there is no improvement in your wife's behavior, then for your own sake it's time to move on, no matter how painful. It only gets worse from here.

Actually i have had good results from talking about what bothers me with the current wife. The ex wife.. impossible. I think it kinda depends what kind of girl you are having a relation with.

It also depends of course how you bring it up, tact can help (hear the blunt Dutch guy talking).

But i do agree that in the end its you that counts.

[norrona]

said it on another thread about my missus that I have had to pretty much give her the ultimatum....just last week when I had asked her a question she didn't like or want to hear but it needed to be dealt with and she showed off after, I left her with a trolley full of shopping in the supermarket, got in my car and came home...she called me and asked if I was coming in to pay...I just laughed at her down the phone.

yes it was a crap couple of days after that till she admitted she was in the wrong..it was only after then I could actually get my point accross and told her I won't be putting up with any more of it...

actually it was a good couple of days for me as I did what I wanted when I wanted as this was on thursday evening so Friday went out with mates down the pub, Saturday went fishing and Sunday morning went fishing again....

[bino]

Has anyone here ever had a reasonable resolution to any problem by sitting down with their Thai SO and having a discussion about YOUR issues? I know I haven't. It's like talking to a wall. Once a Thai has something set in their mind -or- you take them to task on YOUR issues, it's always the same result, for me anyway. I get the dead-eyes look as if I am the one that is crazy.

Man, I can sure relate to that. Doesn't happen like that every time for me- sometimes I can get through to her, but more often goes exactly like you said.

[jingjoe8]

I remember when i was a younger fella, i wouldnt take any crap from a girl treat them mean keep them keen was my motto,and it worked,relationships seemed to last..

Since then as relationships ran there course i moved onto thailand,met a lovely lady and we had a child(my first), she struggled through the pregnancy and birth and frankly treated me quite badly,but i had a child who i love unconditionally and put up with it.Eventually she pushed it too far,said i had enough and left.well she begged for forgiveness and said she would change and has.6months on all is good,my point is once i made it clear that i had a breaking point she was ok, theres a difference between kindness and weakness and both parties have to recognize this.If i had no children with her i probably would have legged it a long time ago,but i have a boy who i love and i'm doing the best for him

[ThaiPauly]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

Get a life pal....some things can drive a man to the edge, sounds like you have never been where the OP is right now. Your comments are not constructive or helpful at all

[theblether]

I remember when i was a younger fella, i wouldnt take any crap from a girl treat them mean keep them keen was my motto,and it worked,relationships seemed to last..

Since then as relationships ran there course i moved onto thailand,met a lovely lady and we had a child(my first), she struggled through the pregnancy and birth and frankly treated me quite badly,but i had a child who i love unconditionally and put up with it.Eventually she pushed it too far,said i had enough and left.well she begged for forgiveness and said she would change and has.6months on all is good,my point is once i made it clear that i had a breaking point she was ok, theres a difference between kindness and weakness and both parties have to recognize this.If i had no children with her i probably would have legged it a long time ago,but i have a boy who i love and i'm doing the best for him

I like your kindness for weakness analogy, in Scotland we call it don't take saftness for daftness.

A lot of us, certainly myself, are kindhearted and happy to help.

By our cultural standards we are being gentlemanly and helpful, to the Thais we are soft touch lunatics.

It's a mad mad world!!

[soi41]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

Get a life pal....some things can drive a man to the edge, sounds like you have never been where the OP is right now. Your comments are not constructive or helpful at all

First of all I am not your pal. No I have not been in the exact same situation as the OP. But until 5 years ago, I was drinking way to much. So whenever the road got a little bumpy, ofcourse I drank a little more, making the situation even worse. Not thinking clearly, badtempered by the booze, I was the one making small problems bigger. Realizing that I decided giving up the drinking, honestly making life a little more boring, but probably saving our relationship. So it worked for me looking in the mirror (and I didn't like, what I saw), so this was an honest advice to the OP, instead of running away. And no I didn't turn into a "yes mam" guy.

[theblether]

Buy her a big present and everything will come right.

Too late Beetlejuice, I read what you wrote before your edit!!

It was quite funny, you should have left it the way it is.

[theblether]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

Get a life pal....some things can drive a man to the edge, sounds like you have never been where the OP is right now. Your comments are not constructive or helpful at all

First of all I am not your pal. No I have not been in the exact same situation as the OP. But until 5 years ago, I was drinking way to much. So whenever the road got a little bumpy, ofcourse I drank a little more, making the situation even worse. Not thinking clearly, badtempered by the booze, I was the one making small problems bigger. Realizing that I decided giving up the drinking, honestly making life a little more boring, but probably saving our relationship. So it worked for me looking in the mirror (and I didn't like, what I saw), so this was an honest advice to the OP, instead of running away. And no I didn't turn into a "yes mam" guy.

The truth always outs eventually. I was wondering why you were so sour and cynical.

[ThaiPauly]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

Get a life pal....some things can drive a man to the edge, sounds like you have never been where the OP is right now. Your comments are not constructive or helpful at all

First of all I am not your pal. No I have not been in the exact same situation as the OP. But until 5 years ago, I was drinking way to much. So whenever the road got a little bumpy, ofcourse I drank a little more, making the situation even worse. Not thinking clearly, badtempered by the booze, I was the one making small problems bigger. Realizing that I decided giving up the drinking, honestly making life a little more boring, but probably saving our relationship. So it worked for me looking in the mirror (and I didn't like, what I saw), so this was an honest advice to the OP, instead of running away. And no I didn't turn into a "yes mam" guy.

Well maybe if you had related your experience in the first place it may have been helpful to the OP , but your previous post most certainly was not.

[letitbe]

i feel for you. I always said id never ever take any lady here or anywhere who had children unless they were fully grown. Only thing I can suggest if you have the money is to basically buy your adopted daughter by offering her a large financial bribe and letting you formally be the guardian of the little girl with her waiving al rights. She cares nothing for you or for her kids which sadly is not unusual here. So you have to get out or your life will be a misery for ever. She knows while she has

control of her daughter she has a complete hold over you and can do whatever she wants. Im sure you cant just let the little girl suffer so I hope you have a lot of money. Offer her 1 million baht more ore to make you sole guardian and for her to give up her rights. This might not be enough. Get a good lawyer to do deal and get it properly done in a court. Then if thats successful move to an area of Thailand she wont find you and pay a lady to just be a nanny or take the girl back to your home country armed with all paperwork.

IMO their is simply no other way except you just walking out. Ive seen to many cases like this in my 20+ years here and thank the stars constantly that I found a thai wife who actually cared for our kids and for people in general. She even seems to care for me a bit even though im a very decrepit 85 year old and shes shall we say a little younger.

Sort it dont drink to much. Get an exit plan and get hell our from your wife. She will kill you emotionally and financially and knows exactly what shes doing. I really hate the Thais who are like her as does my wife.

Dont even think it can work out with her.

[Beetlejuice]

Buy her a big present and everything will come right.

Too late Beetlejuice, I read what you wrote before your edit!!

It was quite funny, you should have left it the way it is.

Naa, I changed my mind after I discovered my neighbor is a contract killer and he will be dealing with my problem tomorrow.

BTW, he`s doing a promotion this week, shoot one, shoot another for free if you`re interested?

[theblether]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

Get a life pal....some things can drive a man to the edge, sounds like you have never been where the OP is right now. Your comments are not constructive or helpful at all

First of all I am not your pal. No I have not been in the exact same situation as the OP. But until 5 years ago, I was drinking way to much. So whenever the road got a little bumpy, ofcourse I drank a little more, making the situation even worse. Not thinking clearly, badtempered by the booze, I was the one making small problems bigger. Realizing that I decided giving up the drinking, honestly making life a little more boring, but probably saving our relationship. So it worked for me looking in the mirror (and I didn't like, what I saw), so this was an honest advice to the OP, instead of running away. And no I didn't turn into a "yes mam" guy.

Well maybe if you had related your experience in the first place it may have been helpful to the OP , but your previous post most certainly was not.

I agree with you, many of my alcoholic friends have underwent dramatic personality changes when they are in remission. I find many of them to be extraordinarily judgemental and cynical. In as much as I admire their daily struggle and resilience, part of the price to be paid is having to live with the fact that their mood is never the same again.

So soi41, you travelled half way around the world to look in a mirror and discover you didn't like yourself. You did something about it by stopping drinking, full respect to you. Now you will have to go deeper and ask yourself why you bring vinegar to the table every day. Your obviously still not happy as you set out to be obtuse and offensive.

Happy people don't do that, and people who know what it is to struggle with alcohol most certainly don't set out to undermine others who are battling it.

Loong, look to your stremgths, you have many. The fact that you love your wee girl so much and will sacrifice for her is proof plenty of that. I don't think your at breaking point in your relationship, I think you just need a wee bit of positive me time, and to use that time to create a new rhythm of life where your happiness is factored in.

[theblether]

Buy her a big present and everything will come right.

Too late Beetlejuice, I read what you wrote before your edit!!

It was quite funny, you should have left it the way it is.

Naa, I changed my mind after I discovered my neighbor is a contract killer and he will be dealing with my problem tomorrow.

BTW, he`s doing a promotion this week, shoot one, shoot another for free if you`re interested?

Ehm, I'm quite happy with the Mrs at the moment but I can think of some others it would be handy for.

Ps, I hope your Mrs doesn't read TV, remember he's her neighbour too. Don't be putting ideas into her head!!

[tutsiwarrior]

I've had the same problems as the OP with the wife as she has run off for weeks and left the house unattended but I have recognized that she has a bipolar disorder and I'm fortunate in that there are other adult women and teenagers living in the house to take up the slack with cleaning up, laundry and looking after the kids, etc...

but, it is difficult; I have nieces that I look after and I want them to be strong and successful but have not yet succeeded (I've lost 2 of them already) as the family here appears to be inherently dysfunctional due to all the poverty and suffering that they endured before I came along...

I've thought about options but in the end it comes down to that I have nowhere else to go and that I can't take the kids with me...not the best of possible scenarios...

Edited June 13, 2012 by tutsiwarrior

[pattayadingo]

It is obvious from the post that you do seem to care a lot. Often the one that cares is the one that is taken for granted and it happens in so many relationships around the world.

Leave her and walk out on a family you love? Whatever for, not at the moment anyway. Talk first, tell her you feel you are being taken for granted and see what her reaction is. Then if there is no improvement, tell her and the daughter, especially the daughter, that you are going on holiday for a while. Go on that holiday. Recharge your batteries and relax. Let her do the chores and take care of the children.

While you are away I understand you will miss the daughter and maybe other aspects of your current lifestyle, but keep in touch, let your SO be aware that you are enjoying yourself. No need to be nasty about it, this just a way to let her know she cannot take you for granted.

When you come back, see if there is a change in the attitude of your SO. If there is not, then you have deeper decisions to make.

Sometimes WE care too much and others do not. That is not a good thing IMHO.

Whatever you do decide on, good luck for the future

That seems a very good and fair way to handle it.

Excellent post dingo.. apologies my "likes" has been on overtime today!

Harry & Edwin

[pattayadingo]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

The Op never said anything of the sort. Maybe it is the woman who needs to change her attitude?

Sometimes we are driven to distraction when we love a woman and the (her) children without too many conditions.

Some of us actually CARE !!

[pattayadingo]

Has anyone here ever had a reasonable resolution to any problem by sitting down with their Thai SO and having a discussion about YOUR issues? I know I haven't. It's like talking to a wall. Once a Thai has something set in their mind -or- you take them to task on YOUR issues, it's always the same result, for me anyway. I get the dead-eyes look as if I am the one that is crazy.

Sorry to be negative, but the OP needs to put himself first, then his extended family. Including the step-daughter.

If your wife just ups and disappears after an argument, without so much as a goodbye, then that speaks volumes. I suggest that the OP do the same. I would tell the step-daughter that dad has to go away for a while and that mom will take care. Then just leave for an indefinite length of time. It will give both you and your wife time to decide what is important. If when you return there is no improvement in your wife's behavior, then for your own sake it's time to move on, no matter how painful. It only gets worse from here.

In all my years here I have never been able to sit down and discuss in a rational way. And I find that so sad. Many relationships here could benefit from rational discussion.

[theblether]

I agree with you PD, there is a brittleness and brutality running through Thai society that I can't understand. That should be an oxymoron but I think people will know what I'm talking about.

My lady talks about it in terms of 'must learn to control'. She disappears into the temple for days and the person that reappears is elated, ravenous, exhausted, and angelic. I like her.

Who I don't like is the fixing for a fight contrary devil that eventually appears. I used to try to gentleman/reason/discuss like adult/ the problem with her, and that was a waste of time.

So!!.....I asked the experts!! I sat down with some Thai male pals over some beers and opened my ears. One said to me, 'first day Thai lady sweet like angel, you cannot believe, second day Thai lady sweet like angel, you cannot believe, third day Thai lady bark like dog, you cannot believe same lady day one and day two'.

Ehm, anybody recognize that???

So!!' What do you suggest?' I asked, and the answer came,' dump her, If you are good man and gentleman she will not want to lose you, she will learn to control'.

Right, I'm not going to put my name to that, there are others here far more experienced in these matters than me. I'll tell you what though, I took their advice and dumped my lady. She couldn't believe it, and I kept her dumped for a good while.

I do like my lady, I think at times she's the sweetest cutest thing I've ever seen. I love her wee conspiracies, she is the manager in a new restaurant and she fills me in with all the gossip and kitchen politics.

She's a girlie girl and extraordinarily hard working, which is another thing I appreciate, but I don't appreciate getting treated like a mug, so I took the Thai guys advice and put down a marker.

So far it's working well, but I've now learned that talking things through is a waste of time. I think asking the Thai guys was a great idea, after all they've had to put up with them for ages.

[Naam]

I put up with a lot of crap because I want to take care of her/my daughter. She IS my daughter as far as I am concerned.

I really want to pack it all in, but I cannot abandon this little girl who loves me so much.

I welcome any comments cruel or kind

i can only find kind words for you. you have my respect. hats off!

p.s. i refrained to read any of the other postings, assuming some of them must be full of shit.

[cobra]

Hel... even I want to leave you already,

I forget again, is the op the man or the woman,

[farang000999]

No advice but best of luck OP.

[Soutpeel]

So you don't want to clean, you don't want to cook, you don't want to take care of the garden. But you want to get pissed and chainsmoke. Maybe you should have a good look in the mirror and change a few things about yourself !

What a load of crap, again from you.

Thank you darling, I love you too! (sorry Kelvin)

Who the F... is Kelvin ?.

Soi41's katoy boyfriend ?....

[canman]

I am sure there is plenty of advice in this thread but I think it all boils down to respect and self respect. Your lady has lost respect for you and you seem to have lost some self respect.

I am not going to pretend to know how you can get both back; only you can work this out and it may involve a good long look in the mirror. I truely wish you well and full respect for hanging in there for the love of your daughter.

[loong]

I tried to put a reply on last night, but the forum was apparntly down for maintenance.

Autosave only managed to save the first line - maybe just as well, alcohol fuelled posts don't always make good reading!

Some of you have said that I should take a holiday with some me time.

I spent nearly 4 weeks back in the UK in May, visiting family. I have only been back for just over 2 weeks.

It maybe that because I have had some "Me" time, that I feel more under pressure since getting back here.

[Somtamnication]

No time to read all of the replies.

It seems that the OP has pretty much given up on the marriage,but loves the little girl a lot.

You are at a crossroads. Most marriage counselors will tell you that staying in the marriage for the kids is the wrong idea. They will see too many arguments and other negative stuff.

One poster stated that you are wearing the skirt and she the pants (paraphrasing here).

Put your pants back on. Have a heart to heart with her. And set goals for the next 30 days and give it a go.

Your health and happiness are important and this issue needs to be resolved.

[BigJohnnyBKK]

i feel for you. I always said id never ever take any lady here or anywhere who had children unless they were fully grown. Only thing I can suggest if you have the money is to basically buy your adopted daughter by offering her a large financial bribe and letting you formally be the guardian of the little girl with her waiving al rights. She cares nothing for you or for her kids which sadly is not unusual here. So you have to get out or your life will be a misery for ever. She knows while she has control of her daughter she has a complete hold over you and can do whatever she wants. Im sure you cant just let the little girl suffer so I hope you have a lot of money. Offer her 1 million baht more ore to make you sole guardian and for her to give up her rights. This might not be enough. Get a good lawyer to do deal and get it properly done in a court. Then if thats successful move to an area of Thailand she wont find you and pay a lady to just be a nanny or take the girl back to your home country armed with all paperwork.

IMO their is simply no other way except you just walking out. Ive seen to many cases like this in my 20+ years here and thank the stars constantly that I found a thai wife who actually cared for our kids and for people in general. She even seems to care for me a bit even though im a very decrepit 85 year old and shes shall we say a little younger.

Sort it dont drink to much. Get an exit plan and get hell our from your wife. She will kill you emotionally and financially and knows exactly what shes doing. I really hate the Thais who are like her as does my wife.

Dont even think it can work out with her.

IMO this is pretty much spot on. I think it would take way too much money to purchase sole custodian rights from the mother and adopt her. It's also quite possible if he wants to return the home country will look on the arrangement with too much suspicion unless there is an adoptive mother in the picture when he goes to register the adoption and applies for visas.

And unfortunately most divorced mothers don't allow contact from the ex, even the father (Thais wouldn't expect such anyway) much less an ex-stepfather, seems obvious this particular one wouldn't take the potential benefit for her daughter's future into account to allow the relationship to continue to develop.

Shame all 'round, I do hope it works out for the OP.

[Rsquared]

I tried to put a reply on last night, but the forum was apparntly down for maintenance.

Autosave only managed to save the first line - maybe just as well, alcohol fuelled posts don't always make good reading!

Some of you have said that I should take a holiday with some me time.

I spent nearly 4 weeks back in the UK in May, visiting family. I have only been back for just over 2 weeks.

It maybe that because I have had some "Me" time, that I feel more under pressure since getting back here.

Ah that puts a new spin on things......is she trying to tell you in her Thai subtle way that she wasn't happy about you going back to the UK?

Maybe get her to have a few drinks and then she might open up about what is really on her mind, rather than the deer in the headlights you get when trying to talk seriously.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.......life is too short.