Thai Funeral (cremation Ceremony)

[Sheryl]

A former employee and friend (Thai) just died and I will be attending the cremation ceremony on Sunday. Despite almost 2 decades in Thailand, it is my first. I understand I should wear black and also make a cash gift to the family. How is the latter handled? Put in ordinary envelope or is there some special card or envelope for this? And how much would be appropriate? The deceased and his family are mid to upper middle class professionals. I haven't seen them in many years but we worked and lived together under intense conditions (refugee camp, war time) for years and I was the direct supervisor of both him and his wife; attended their wedding, etc. Given this info and nature of the relationship can someone give me a ballpark idea of how much contribution would be appropriate? I have no idea at all.

Also how long should I expect this to involve? Cremation ceremony is scheduled for 3 PM and is quite some distance from my home; there will be many former co-workers from the refugee camp days meeting up again for the first time in years. Is this likely to go into the nightime (in which case I'll plan on staying overnight in a nearby hotel) or can I expect to get out in time for a 3-4 hour drive home?

Appreciate advice, thanks

[Farma]

I’ve attended a few village funerals in the past but none for professional people so my experiences may not be the same.

I can’t recall money being handed over to the family. In each case, the wake lasted a week or more, pre and post cremation. The villagers contributed food and drink to the wake. The women kept the grieving family members occupied preparing the little candles and coffin decorations leading up to the funeral and afterwards.

It was more of a party atmosphere, totally opposite a solemn western funeral. On the day of cremation the coffin was carried in the back of a pickup to the cremation ground with people walking behind. Most people wore their best attire while attending the cremation.

At the first funeral the coffin was placed on a wooden funeral pyre. Each family in the village had previously contributed 1 piece of wood for the pyre. The later funerals were in a gas fired cremation oven.

On arrival at the cremation area, the decorative coffin is removed along with the mattresses etc, leaving a basic thin plywood casket and the deceased wearing basic clothes. A green coconut was placed in the coffin with the deceased.

At the funerals I've attended, the Monks were chanting from a building to the side of the grounds with a white cotton string connecting the monks to the deceased. Unlike a western funeral where people are solemn, the guests will chat away with the occasional laughter heard. Comments will be made how the deceased was a good person in this life and how they will come back to a better life afterwards etc.

Small orange candles attached to small pieces of coconut leaf were handed out and the guests filed past the open coffin paying their respects and placing the candles in the coffin as they went.

Once the guests had passed the coffin, the funeral pyre was lit or in the later funerals, the coffin pushed into the cremation oven. The guests left straight after and I was informed not to look back at the cremation area as the ghosts saw that as a reason to inhabit my body.

From the start of procession to leaving the cremation area I would guess a time of 2 to 3 hours. The mourners returned to the deceased home and continued partying for the next few days. People were coming and going all the time so you wouldn’t be expected to remain overly long. You have shown your respect by attending.

Edited January 12, 2006 by Farma

[barryofthailand]

It is proper to give an ordinary envelope to the family next of kin. The amount is not important, it's the thought that counts.

Barry

[Noel]

A plain envelope is fine, although you may well find they have black envelopes available for mourners to use.

I have always instinctively worn black when attending Thai funerals, although a combination of black and white is also acceptable.

[lopburi3]

For a close relationship such as this and the family standing I would recommend a 1,000 baht note. A normal white envelope is all that is required. Although there will often be a wide range from 20 baht up to multi thousands. This money is used to help defray the expense.

The ceremony will probably only take an hour or two. Some will stay to receive the ash but most non family will leave earlier. I do not find clothing color to be a major factor (except for immediate family) but would keep it dark or white. Just follow the crowd when it is time to pay last respects.

[marshbags]

For a close relationship such as this and the family standing I would recommend a 1,000 baht note. A normal white envelope is all that is required. Although there will often be a wide range from 20 baht up to multi thousands. This money is used to help defray the expense.

The ceremony will probably only take an hour or two. Some will stay to receive the ash but most non family will leave earlier. I do not find clothing color to be a major factor (except for immediate family) but would keep it dark or white. Just follow the crowd when it is time to pay last respects.

I,m not intending to be morbid lopburi but i,ve heard some describe the ashes being assorted, recognisable skeleton.

Someday we will all have to take care of our loved ones remains and it scares the hel_l out of me if i have to gather them up, especially for someone close.

My wife always talks about this when one of the locals pass on and tells me i must take some of her ashes/remains to a Wat where her fathers are if she dies.

respectfully marshbags

[Sheryl]

Many thanks for all the info.

As for the ash/skeleton question I'll let you know as we are close enough that I'll probably be around for that part.

[lopburi3]

Nothing morbid about the ash as they will do as you wish. In my mother in laws case envelops of ash were presented to family members to do as they wish (the old custom was to keep at home and take to temple for prayers). These days most affluent have a small chedi on the Wat grounds to contain the ash or place under a Buddha image at a temple.

[Rinrada]

As said above its nothing morbid..little bit like an Irish wake.

I have been to quite a few cremations (Thais-Khmers-foreigners)and generally they tend to treat the whole process as just moving on to the next..life,solar plane,level of existance...or whatever.

The last one I went to was wife sister (not cremation) who we "buried" in the Chou Praya about 20 miles out of Samut Pracarn on the 100 days.In many cases this is even more important than the actual cremation.

We had the usual ceremony with the 9 monks in the house from early morning for a couple of hours chanting where of course I had to sit in the middle (does yer back in )and then they have a nosh up.

Following on it was down to the river (sounds like a song)but wife realised that her sisters bones were not inscribed with her name (very important)...otherwise she would get lost....

I jumped on a moto (with the bones) and got a wee guy to do the enscription..so ... all OK

Back to the Boat and off we went with me hanging on to the old head monk with one arm and granny with the other trying to stop them going over the side (sure she was pizzed)..MKjai

Straight forward Buddist do with incense,holy water,oil,flowers and candles etc and into the water with a Bye Bye from everyone on board...see you again.....nice really...

Gota go again in March for dads "Do" and its ....gonna be a big one....but again .....MK Jai. and dont worry......

[Noel]

I,m not intending to be morbid lopburi but i,ve heard some describe the ashes being assorted, recognisable skeleton.

Someday we will all have to take care of our loved ones remains and it scares the hel_l out of me if i have to gather them up, especially for someone close.

My wife always talks about this when one of the locals pass on and tells me i must take some of her ashes/remains to a Wat where her fathers are if she dies.

respectfully marshbags

It is probably just as well that you are aware of this because at least you will be prepared.

Some years ago I went to the Wat the morning after a friend's funeral to collect the ashes on behalf of his wife.

I was quite taken aback to see recognizable bones (femurs etc) amid the remains.

It could be upsetting to some so discretion may be advisable.

[Abandon]

If the funeral is inside a temple then it is appropriate to wear black or all white. If it is outside a temple, such as in a village, then the all white garb is less likely. You will be safe with black in either case.

Often these funerals go on all week. Possibly you are only invited to the final day, but even so they would be glad to see you on the 6 days previously. They usually only give formal invites for the final day.

If the funeral is 7 day job, and/or it is in a big Bangkok temple, then there are a lot of expenses for the family to pay, so 5000 baht is not an unreasonable contribution. 1000 would be ok for a cheaper local do. I would wait for the right time and place to offer it ... ask someone you know (and trust) who is there. Sometimes, especially if the family is well off, they expect to pay for everything themselves and you should not offer. So play it by ear - look for an opportunity and look for others helping with the expenses.

There is not a particular start and end to the funeral ... the Thai's will kind of just hand around all day and right into the night. So do not look for clear signals of when to start and when to leave. Get there early and leave late and spend the time hanging out and just chatting. Definitely book the hotel.