Wanna Hear A Blonde Joke ?

[Road_Runner]

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house.

She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door.

He asks the lady what he can do for her.

The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do.

The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch.

He asks the blonde if she paints?

The blonde says, "Sure anything."

"Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies.

"I don't know, say $50 bucks."

"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.

His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?"

He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.

The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."

"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"

10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door.

The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, "All done."

With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."

"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."

" "

[Tywais]

Nice one...

[Road_Runner]

Nice one...

Glad you liked it.

Here's the next one:

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[suegha]

Nice one...

Glad you liked it.

Here's the next one:

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist

"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

This punch-line got me, I thought she was going to read "aerosol"!

[Road_Runner]

An older Thai man marries a younger blonde lady.

However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

The Thai gentleman is very annoyed because he thinks his wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, so he decides to ask a friend.

The friend listens to their story, strokes his bald head, and suggests:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the friend's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.

But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the friend. "Okay", says the friend, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the friend's advice.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly... "You see, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

[Road_Runner]

Two blondes find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.

"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks the first blonde.

"Don’t worry about it," says the second. "We’ll just lie and tell them we only found two."

First blonde, "What if all three explode?"

Second, "Don't worry we'll say, we don't find any bomb?"

[Road_Runner]

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.

She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.

She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Oh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"

[Road_Runner]

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

" "

[Road_Runner]

A blonde was searching for the word "Dictionary" in the talking dictionary.

Dictionary: "Dictionary is the thing you are holding now, stupid."

Wondering what the definition of stupid was, she searched for the word "Stupid".

Dictionary: "Is that you again?"

[Road_Runner]

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof.

The firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away.

The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.

"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"

"Ok," says the redhead and she jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the blonde steps to the edge of the roof.

Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the blonde says, "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

[Road_Runner]

Once there was a man who was in love with a blonde.

The blonde told him that before they would get married he would have to ask her father, who was a farmer.

The next day the man went to the farmer and said,

"Sir I love your daughter very much and i would like to ask for her hand in marriage."

The farmer sat there and looked at him for a moment and said,

"I'll let you marry her, but first you must complete a test."

Willing to do anything to be able to marry the blonde the man agreed.

"First you must jump the fence, swim the river and screw the cow in the barn," said the farmer.

The man thought that it sounded easy enough so he did it, and went back to the farmer,

"Okay now can i marry your daughter?"

The farmer couldn't believe the man actually did it thought it was funny so he asked him to do it again!

The man went ahead, jumped the fence, swam the river, and screwed the cow again!!

"Now can i marry your daughter?" he asked on his return.

By this time the farmer was amazed that he had done it the second time, and thought lets see if he could do it the third time.

"Okay, if you do all that one more time, i will let you marry my daughter."

The man turned around, went and jumped the fence, swam the river and screwed the cow, yet another time!!!

"Okay, now you can marry my daughter," said the farmer.

"To hel_l with your daughter, can i keep the cow?"

[Road_Runner]

John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.

"I've got a problem," says Buffy.

"What's the matter?" asks John.

"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" asks John.

"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.

"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."

So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over."

Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table.

John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the corn flakes back in the box."

[Road_Runner]

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his blonde doctor to get an appointment.

When he was told of the scheduled date, he became outraged and bellowed:

"Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

[Road_Runner]

A blonde comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain.

Blonde, "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

Doc. "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

Blonde, "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

Doc. "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

Blonde, "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

Doc. (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

Blonde, (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

Doc. (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

Blonde, (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

[Road_Runner]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nud_e.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching.”

[Artisan]

She was so blonde that……

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought that a quarter back was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

At the bottom of her job application, where it says “Sign Here”, she put ‘Sagittarius’

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.

It took her months to figure out that she could tune into AM radio at night.

She was staring at the frozen orange juice just because it said “Concentrate”.

She thinks that Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

She told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.

When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, she turned round and went home.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

It takes her 2 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.

She looked into a box of “Cheerios” and said “Oh look! Donut seeds”.

[suegha]

She was so blonde that……

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought that a quarter back was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

At the bottom of her job application, where it says “Sign Here”, she put ‘Sagittarius’

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.

It took her months to figure out that she could tune into AM radio at night.

She was staring at the frozen orange juice just because it said “Concentrate”.

She thinks that Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

She told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.

When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left”, she turned round and went home.

She studied for a blood test and failed.

It takes her 2 hours to watch “60 Minutes”.

She looked into a box of “Cheerios” and said “Oh look! Donut seeds”.

Phew, quick fire!!!

[Road_Runner]

Good addition Artisan. Keep 'em coming.

Man goes to chemist, "I need to buy poison."

Chemist, "I can't sell you that, sorry!!"

Man digs into his pocket, pull out his purse and shows the pic of his blonde wife.

Chemist, "Oh! sorry sir, I didn't know you had prescription."

[Road_Runner]

Last Night I Went To See Basic Instinct 2

A blonde lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, ma'am. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But ma'am, you must know that you are not wearing any underwear and everything is exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 48 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

[Artisan]

Blondes against war !!!

[Artisan]

Imagine that !!!!

[Jai Dee]

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,

"PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[Jai Dee]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.

She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Jai Dee]

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[Artisan]

How did the blonde mathematics student respond when she was asked to find 'x'?

[Road_Runner]

Two blonde pros (Prostitutes) talking.

"We are in the best business in the world."

"How's that?"

"We have got it ... we sell it ... and we still have it."

[Road_Runner]

A blonde went for her university final examination, unprepared.

The examination paper consisted of "Yes/No" type of questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration removes a coin from her purse and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet 'Yes' for 'Heads' and 'No' for 'Tails'.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.

The examiner, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

Blonde replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."

[In the Rai!]

A blonde went for her university final examination, unprepared.

The examination paper consisted of "Yes/No" type of questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration removes a coin from her purse and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet 'Yes' for 'Heads' and 'No' for 'Tails'.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.

The examiner, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

Blonde replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."

[Rdrokit]

SHE WAS SO BLONDE

That she thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.

[grapetable]

A guy walks into a bar asks for a beer. He notices 2 familiar faces in the dark corner. Asks the barman 'who are they'? He says thats Bush and Rumsfeld.

So he walks over and introduces him self................says 'what are u 2 dooing here' Rumsfeld answers.........we are discussing a solution to the Muslim problem............man says ahhh what would that be then?

Rumsfeld says we are going to kill 200million muslims and 1 blonde with big tits!

Man says 'why the blonde with big tits'?

Rumsfeld turns to Bush and says 'see no one gives f*** about the muslims'!