How much to help support Thai in-laws?

[David48]

David48

The three children consist of one being my gf son ( whos father refuses to support so in return he is refused any access)( we also have a daughter together ) one her niece from her deceased brother whos mother ran away from her responsibilities when she was born and the second niece is from her sister who is studying overseas and contributes what she can when she can.

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Thanks for the reply ...

Things are seldom what they seem until you scratch a little deeper.

Well ... certainly in Thailand.

[4evermaat]

Speaking to the "spoiling too much, too quick crowd", i know of one example off hand where a guy has given so much to his wife (restaurant on beach, car, a nice townhouse near the beach, and another house a few km down.) Over the past year or two the relationship has slowly deteriorated to where now she will make a demand for help and she will insist it is his DUTY to help her more. He's currently working on an exit plan, but it is just a reminder of what happens when we get carried away with the donations.

I have not done the monthly thing for a while now, but 2-6k is not unreasonable. Even my gf has said on occassion when i offer to send her mother some cash to not send too much at once. It will only go to a new outfit or more credits to the phone. I'm glad i did not go beyond my means here.

"...the 2nd best time to plant a tree is today." Sent from ThaiVisa app (Galaxy Note 2).

[transam]

My wife has three hi-so sisters, two of which their uni financed by mum to become hi-so, who give their old mum nothing . A brother with wife and two kids who live with with the mum sponging off mum for Lou Kou booze cos he hardly works. Two other sisters that give nothing.

[robblok]

@david &chang

I really don't give a monthly payout and you are right in the past I was stung by an other Thai girl where we paid money while we needed it ourself. I was living in the Netherlands back then. I have learned from it that they could survive without us so why would that change if I am there. My wife has her own income and if she gives money to her parents it is her thing. She pays for the car house and stuff too. Normal equal relation here.

If for some reason she could not work (like me taking her abroad) then it would be my duty to pay a bit but not more as she has given before. I am just real hesitant to giving I got the most crazy demands at start and now they don't come anymore. Her family is friendly to me and talk to me as a person. I am not a cash cow. If there is a real need for some money (funeral or other stuff) sure I pay but I now know what is real and what is not. I would also not mind paying for an education or for helping them to set up a small business. That is different (if done correctly) then you make them self sufficient.

Also we all have different girls here some go for the guy with the money so they don't have to work and their family is better off. The guys know that and pay up, others don't want those kind of girls and have ones that make their own money. Its easier to get girls you pay for that is for sure.

Still if one of her sisters or children of her sisters has a birthday i pay up a bit and don't expect a thing back. Giving the kids a present is always fun. But I am not going to pay for their mistakes and miscalculations. Like one of them is in over debt if I help it will start all over again that sister always does stupid things. You need to learn to know the family too and see who to help and who not. That is real hard if you don't speak Thai or live real far away.

In the end its all about what someone thinks if fair and good and that is up to them.

[devolad]

Have read this thread with interest. I used to send about 10k a month to MIL. This is the equivalent to what my lady sent home every month when we were in Thailand and she was working. We are now back in my home country. When I first asked my lady to come back and live with me in NZ, she was really hesitant - I was a bit put out (read bruised ego). Thought that maybe I was more into the relationship than she was - a bit more digging revealed that she knew that, at least initially, she would be unable to work and would therefore be unable to continue helping the family (MIL looks after my ladies little girl).

My lady is now able to work in NZ and has informed me that she will be looking after the family from now on after helping out with our living costs. I get the impression she has hated that she has needed me to help out ( something that I willingly signed on for when we moved to NZ).

One time after my lady had finished a call to Thailand she told me that MIL was worried about Grand Dad - he lives in the jungle close to all the family's rice farm in a pretty basic hut. His solar power had broken. Having read some pretty shocking stories on TV about farang boyfriends getting scammed, am embarrassed to say I did not offer any assistance, nor was it directly asked for or the situation ever mentioned again.

After about a week I had a moment a clarity - what the f*#k was I thinking, not helping out an old man who my lady loves very much, when the cost of doing so was the equivalent to a nice bottle of wine. Am so relieved I eventually came to my senses.

Recently had the opportunity to meet Grand Dad - he is in his mid 80's, has limited hearing and sight, is stubbornly independent, and a bloody nice man. Found out that he had split up and gifted all of his land to extended family over the last 20 years which he is why he didn't have much funds. We hit it off instantly. Later we went into the village together - he was obviously "the man" in the village - the fact that Grand Dad and I hit it off did me no end of good in the village pecking order.

BTW, also visited MIL recently. She knew from previous visits, that the hole in the ground was a bit challenging for me - got there and my lady told me I had to go to the toilet - did as I was told to discover MIL had installed a sit down toilet just for me. (FIL pretty pissed off - he now uses the next door neighbours hole in the ground as he cant get things moving using the sit down version). The fact that mum had done this just for me was pretty special.

I suppose what I am saying is that, whilst I know that we all need to be careful to not get taken for a ride, being part of a family includes helping out. My in laws are good hard working people who treat me with respect and kindness. Has been a pleasure to be able to help out a bit.

[dank]

Robblok

I agree with you l have given money when l needed it also looking back now l think why but l highlighted that issue to my gf and now it is very seldom that l.am asked for extra money if at all.

When you are close with family it is easy to give and help more than you need to.

I have a very good close relationship with my gf mother and a aunt along with her brother who all have gone out of there way in the past to help me out in different ways to money so in all its swings and roundabouts mate one good deed turns into two in return.

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[Naam]

i don't have Thai in-laws. but if i had i would make sure that the parents of my wife live a decent life in a decent accomodation.

[Naam]

devolad

One time after my lady had finished a call to Thailand she told me that MIL was worried about Grand Dad - he lives in the jungle close to all the family's rice farm in a pretty basic hut. His solar power had broken. Having read some pretty shocking stories on TV about farang boyfriends getting scammed, am embarrassed to say I did not offer any assistance, nor was it directly asked for or the situation ever mentioned again.

After about a week I had a moment a clarity - what the f*#k was I thinking, not helping out an old man who my lady loves very much, when the cost of doing so was the equivalent to a nice bottle of wine. Am so relieved I eventually came to my senses.

[CMCanadian]

As my wife was previously married and has children, there was no sot (dowry type payment, right?). For the just over 1 year we be have been actually living together I have helped the FIL once when he had to go to the hospital with a serious blood infection (has a chicken/fish farm, insists on walking around barefoot, got chicken poop in cuts on foot and didn't do anything about it until they had to call an ambulance... sigh) and that ran about 10,000bht (2 weeks in hospital, dialysis, etc) all in. Other than that, I just pay for the MILs bus ticket when she comes to visit (2-3 times a year).

So, all-in for one year was about 15,000bht. I don't know if my wife gets calls for money, so she might give more, though if she does, it comes out of her own money.

[billd766]

Giggles

Too many quotes in the reply so:

I have been living in rural Thailand 9 years now and of the farangs I know of out here they are ALL still married to the same wives they started with, none have been shat on and none have gone home.

That was me, Brit with 25 rai farm plus 2 other Brits

1 Scotsman with a 200 +rai farm

2 Aussies, 1 with a resort

1 Swiss with a 200+ rai farm

1 German/Australian

1 Belgian

1 Dane with a resort

1 Austrian with a homestay resort but I haven't seen him for a while.

I also have at least 3 friends in the UK and another in Germany still with their original wives.

As I said in my first response to you we must live in different Thailands.

[Om85]

I don't even give money to my wife, if she want money the she must work for it(and that's exactly what she do in Luftansa), I firmly believe in the equality between men and women alt=wai2.gif width=20 height=20>

i bet she earns it working for you,

cooking ,cleaning, ect,

and you still dont pay her,

good man,,,not

Nope, we divide our domestic work among us, I cook and clean the dishes, she wash and iron the clothes, and we clean our house every weekend, I dont think that I am an engel but my wife likes it, and her friends too so something right I must b doing

[somtampet]

zilch,nowt and less than 1 baht.

One of the criteria for me was my partner to have a family who looks after themselves,

ie

gets off their fat arse and works for a living.She has 2 brothers who have worked hard most of their lives,and a mother who does most of the work in her rice fields,with some employers.

Not into money grabbers of any kind and hate leeches too.

[somtampet]

I don't even give money to my wife, if she want money the she must work for it(and that's exactly what she do in Luftansa), I firmly believe in the equality between men and women alt=wai2.gif width=20 height=20>

i bet she earns it working for you,

cooking ,cleaning, ect,

and you still dont pay her,

good man,,,not

Nope, we divide our domestic work among us, I cook and clean the dishes, she wash and iron the clothes, and we clean our house every weekend, I dont think that I am an engel but my wife likes it, and her friends too so something right I must b doing

TOO TRUE

My partner works in a hotel 6 days a week, i am retired,fit as a butchers dog,so i do some work in the house,same same.We save her money until we need something for the house or a holiday

[pigeonjake]

I don't even give money to my wife, if she want money the she must work for it(and that's exactly what she do in Luftansa), I firmly believe in the equality between men and women alt=wai2.gif width=20 height=20>

i bet she earns it working for you,

cooking ,cleaning, ect,

and you still dont pay her,

good man,,,not

Nope, we divide our domestic work among us, I cook and clean the dishes, she wash and iron the clothes, and we clean our house every weekend, I dont think that I am an engel but my wife likes it, and her friends too so something right I must b doing

TOO TRUE

My partner works in a hotel 6 days a week, i am retired,fit as a butchers dog,so i do some work in the house,same same.We save her money until we need something for the house or a holiday

lol,,

if a thai girl was to come on here and say,

WE SAVE HIS MONEY UNTILL WE NEED SOMETHING THEN WE SPEND HIS MONEY

there would be uproar,,lol

everyone to there own, i can afford to give mama a little,

my wife works looking after the children and on the farm

so in the end its our money,

jake

[isawasnake]

I wonder how warm and fuzzy it will make those posters who give a monthly sum feel when they find out that maybe a third of the money they send every month goes to greedy monks. It is like a never ending cycle of extortion, that is what this country is.

[David48]

I wonder how warm and fuzzy it will make those posters who give a monthly sum feel when they find out that maybe a third of the money they send every month goes to greedy monks. It is like a never ending cycle of extortion, that is what this country is.

That might be your experience ... but certainly not mine.

Mileage differs widely over Thailand ... I put that down to poor road maintenance ... ... or choosing the wrong route in the first place.

.

[Om85]

i bet she earns it working for you,

cooking ,cleaning, ect,

and you still dont pay her,

good man,,,not

Nope, we divide our domestic work among us, I cook and clean the dishes, she wash and iron the clothes, and we clean our house every weekend, I dont think that I am an engel but my wife likes it, and her friends too so something right I must b doing

TOO TRUE

My partner works in a hotel 6 days a week, i am retired,fit as a butchers dog,so i do some work in the house,same same.We save her money until we need something for the house or a holiday

lol,,

if a thai girl was to come on here and say,

WE SAVE HIS MONEY UNTILL WE NEED SOMETHING THEN WE SPEND HIS MONEY

there would be uproar,,lol

everyone to there own, i can afford to give mama a little,

my wife works looking after the children and on the farm

so in the end its our money,

jake

Apparently the problem is that your wife doesnt have her own income, she depends on yours, but in my case from the very beginning we accorded that every one will keep his/her own money and property, cuz you never know what might happen in the future, of course when needed we help each other but everyone has his/her own stuff(I dont know how much she earns she doesnt knows how much I earn), no house on bought on her name etc, cuz you dont know what might happen in the future, and btw we also hav a doughter and we look after her together

[theblether]

just give until you end up potless and return home without a pot to pee in ,thats the normal practice for farlangs

Is that your personal experience or the bar stool talking?

i dont hang around in thai bars ,far too boring all that inane twaddle

So how DID you come up with this gem of information then?

Perhaps you did a poll of ALL the farangs (but you missed me), took a wag (wild ass guess), used a crystal ball, had your palm read?

Do tell as if it works I might use that service myself.

I guess he's needing to loosen up a bit and allow the Thais to talk to him. If he does that he'll get a totally different experience.

[pigeonjake]

@OM85

please, please tell me were you see a problem in MY LIFE ?

because i dont have a problem, you must know more about me then i do,

and as for our house being in my wifes name,

let me just explain something to you, i cant own land, so its in my wifes name,

when i was married in england it was in my name, BUT I STILL LOST IT,

no problems in my life my old mate,

jake

[The Deerhunter]

My wife has given 5000 to 8000pm since getting her first job in an insurance co. 8 years ago when she left LOS to live with me it went to 10,000. We also help with some family expenses sometimes. Have had several neices visit us for English studies while we still live overseas. It is more than many expats choose to but "when in Rome" and it is not too onerous and I agree with Mr Crab. The family always seem (very genuinely) kind to me. I also agree with Mr Crab. When wife is not around I am well looked after by extended family

[Banzai99]

We give 25000 baht each month, well, when I say we, I mean me, I give 25000 each month.

Spread the wealth guys, spread the wealth.

It's a days wages what's the problem ?

[Om85]

@OM85

please, please tell me were you see a problem in MY LIFE ?

because i dont have a problem, you must know more about me then i do,

and as for our house being in my wifes name,

let me just explain something to you, i cant own land, so its in my wifes name,

when i was married in england it was in my name, BUT I STILL LOST IT,

no problems in my life my old mate,

jake

You missunerstood me, when I said "problem" I refered, to why you could't understand my possition, nothing to do with your life, your life is yours and is up to you to live it in the way you wish I still cant buy land here and that's why I will never use other people's name to buy it cuz that wouldnt be mine but theirs and relatioships are very easy to break, I am sorry you lost your land back in england, that's a pitty.

[yourauntbob]

It became perfectly clear to everyone in the family a long time ago that the missus helps with her own money when she feels it necessary to help. Nothing comes out of my pocket except for the occasional gift for fathers/mothers/birth day. From time to time the missus will need to pony up more than she would like to for her father (who is too old to work and lives very modestly by any standards) and i take up extra slack for our expenses around the house so she can help him a bit more.

[yourauntbob]

We give 25000 baht each month, well, when I say we, I mean me, I give 25000 each month.

Spread the wealth guys, spread the wealth.

It's a days wages what's the problem ?

its not a days wage for most of us. i did alright back in the states and that was well more than a days wage for me back there.

[NeverSure]

I lost a house and a building lot in the US. Is that an excuse to do it again in the US or in Thailand? My answer, just for me, is "no."

I don't understand the excuse "well it happens in Western countries too." If I had it to do over it wouldn't happen to me in the US either.

[pigeonjake]

i wasnt meaning it as an excuse,

i was just trying to point out that, yes i cant own land here,

but by the same token, when i got divorced in england i still lost the house that i could own,

and if things did go tits up with me and my wife, i would walk away, yes sad that it was over, but i wouldnt of lost anywere near the amout i lost in the uk,

if i walked i would be down say 30k pounds, now take that into account that ive had a very good life for 7 years, thats not bad, my money is still in my bank account, i still earn a very good wage,

so yes i would be sad, but it wouldnt be the end of my world, i would get up dust mtself off and start again,as i have done here,

would i get married again?

i would say no, i would buy a condo somewere and just life my life how i wanted to live, travel more, go back to brazil as a tourist and not a worker and have a good look round, beautiful ladys,,,lol

jake

[farang000999]

Id tell them to suggest to the inlaws that they should have started financial planning much earlier and not involving having 10 kids but actually saving money.

Thatll go down well Im sure.

If your wife has a few brothers and sisters, then let them provide, it is not your responsibility. But on the other hand, if your wife is an only child, then it would be nice to help her financially support her parents depending on your finances.

Most ex pats out here cannot afford health insurance, and those who can will find out just how good it is when they are in their seventies and eighties. Every ex pat in Thailand has to be prepared for some sort of medical expenses as they get older, and that should take priority over contributing financially to any inlaws.

That is why they are having children though. This way they can grow up to be movie stars and singers.

[farang000999]

We give 25000 baht each month, well, when I say we, I mean me, I give 25000 each month.

Spread the wealth guys, spread the wealth.

It's a days wages what's the problem ?

what do you do for a living?

it is confusing because if you earn this wage it would seem you were a very intelligent and wealthy man but then if that were true why would you be married to a woman who needs you to support all of her family?

maybe you are just trolling?

[billd766]

i wasnt meaning it as an excuse,

i was just trying to point out that, yes i cant own land here,

but by the same token, when i got divorced in england i still lost the house that i could own,

and if things did go tits up with me and my wife, i would walk away, yes sad that it was over, but i wouldnt of lost anywere near the amout i lost in the uk,

if i walked i would be down say 30k pounds, now take that into account that ive had a very good life for 7 years, thats not bad, my money is still in my bank account, i still earn a very good wage,

so yes i would be sad, but it wouldnt be the end of my world, i would get up dust mtself off and start again,as i have done here,

would i get married again?

i would say no, i would buy a condo somewere and just life my life how i wanted to live, travel more, go back to brazil as a tourist and not a worker and have a good look round, beautiful ladys,,,lol

jake

I am just the same as you.

If my wife ever divorces me then I will walk away happy assuming I still get to see my son.

She has done more for me than my UK wife ever did.

Provided that I have enough to live on then she can have everything else with my blessing and thanks for the last 20 years.

Edited August 20, 2013 by billd766

[robblok]

i wasnt meaning it as an excuse,

i was just trying to point out that, yes i cant own land here,

but by the same token, when i got divorced in england i still lost the house that i could own,

and if things did go tits up with me and my wife, i would walk away, yes sad that it was over, but i wouldnt of lost anywere near the amout i lost in the uk,

if i walked i would be down say 30k pounds, now take that into account that ive had a very good life for 7 years, thats not bad, my money is still in my bank account, i still earn a very good wage,

so yes i would be sad, but it wouldnt be the end of my world, i would get up dust mtself off and start again,as i have done here,

would i get married again?

i would say no, i would buy a condo somewere and just life my life how i wanted to live, travel more, go back to brazil as a tourist and not a worker and have a good look round, beautiful ladys,,,lol

jake

I am just the same as you.

If my wife ever divorces me then I will walk away happy assuming I still get to see my son.

She has done more for me than my UK wife ever did.

Provided that I have enough to live on then she can have everything else with my blessing and thanks for the last 20 years.

I don't understand these sentiments why would wives have to walk away with money and possessions from this. It is like you did not put anything int he marriage and she is not happy with you. My feeling is i put love and effort and sure some money in a relation she does the same why should she then be entitled to loads of money from me.

It might be different in your cases as you guys don't have ladies that work and earn their keep. If they gave up things to be with you guys then I understand it a bit. But it sounds a awful lot like paying to stay with you.

I think we just have a difference of opinion about this.

Mind you I had a Thai girl get money from me from my first marriage I was not happy about that at all but in her case it was a (little) bit justified as had not much income. But on the other hand she cheated all the time and was a bad wife only stayed for her kids until I had to choose for myself. (this was in the Netherlands)

Edited August 20, 2013 by robblok