Coming Out

[ToddWeston]

Let me start by saying - I'm an idiot. I made a mistake and I'm trying to get my head around a solution whilst thinking about Thai sensitivities and family dynamics (secrets)

Hubby and I came here to plan our future, I forget the reasons now but they all made sense at the time.

We have fantastic nieces and nephews, we were here when each one was born and they are amazing kids who are beautiful inside and out, they've been spoiled but are turning into great adults and I'm proud as hell. There is one who has been, let's say a little akward with my husband - they've had a few words and he just seems to be at that age (19) where the world is against him.

I've been taking him out on errands and he is fine with me, talks about life, girls, living abroad, school, career all normal stuff, the last few times he's been saying things that irritate me though, Those shorts are really gay, look at those gays who's the top, little comments that I've responded with a stern watch your mouth and then a big smile. I've asked him what the problem is between Uncle (hubby) and him and he said he just doesn't like him, he doesn't listen and is just like his parents - all kids hate adults at that age. But with me alone he's been outright abusive about my husband and inlaws and I've told him in no uncertain terms to stand down, he either got the message or just doesn't share his feelings as much, he also has a major hate on with his father and brothers.

Last night we treated the family for a meal out and when we got home he asked me for some pocket money, because he was going out to get "laid" I nearly lost my cookies. I said let's talk and he said "FINALLY I have some bad news and I can trust you and I've been hinting forever we need to talk"

Out we go, thank God I was wise enough to pour a stiff drink. I said what's up ? and he started to cry saying he's sick and got himself into trouble. For a moment I thought shi*t does this kid have cancer, did he knock up a girl, what the hell is he going on about and where is my husband. He finally came around and said "he thinks he's a gay" and has a boyfriend who is much older (23) Honest to God I was blown away but my reaction was terrible I actually said (hate me now) is this a phase ...........are you sure.......stupid comments just flew out and I couldn't stop myself. He said he's known since he was 8 and asked when I knew and I don't think I responded.

I keep blaming myself that I didn't have a clue - and I would have handled it better if I'd known, but what clues (stupid sterotypes) heck I never came out and my husband still insists that I'm the only gay in town - Daffyd. I have no experience at all dealing with this and I realise as a gay man I should have been able to wing it and share the moment and care for him much better than I did.

I've spent the day almost in silence pondering what to do next, the little twit obviously chose me to confide in (honoured) and to keep his secret, I feel awful the way I handled it, really awful, he didn't go out last night and messaged he will be over tonight to help me with something (what that is I have no idea)

I will man up and deal with this and apologise and show the love I neglected to show last night, I will respect his wish and not tell my husband until the plane door closes (I think)

We've been on line most of the day and he's said he feels relief and has thanked me 5 times for listening and he will really try to be nicer to his family.

I know what I did wrong, what say you to make things better ? How did you guys handle a situation like this if ever ? any words if wisdom? are actions more important than words? I'm proud of him it took real guts, it's not about my guilt I need to help this kid and be there for him. I just wish he told someone else first

Perhaps it will be a good read for others to handle things better than Unc Toad.

Edited August 23, 2013 by ToddWeston

[Jingthing]

I'm not sure what the big problem is here.

He's not going to hold a grudge about the are you sure response.

Why not just tell him you're there for him as a supportive ear whenever he wants to talk about this stuff, that is, IF you really feel that way ...

Actually it sounds like you really don't want this role. That could be a problem. If you really don't want the role, is it honest to act like you do?

You certainly did better than my parents anyway who responded by informing me that girls do oral too ...

Edited August 23, 2013 by Jingthing

[Scott]

One of my kids went through a phase where he thought he was gay. We had a brief discussion and I told him I was pretty sure he wasn't gay, but if he was it was perfectly OK with me. He asked how I knew he wasn't gay and I told him I knew because I was gay and had pretty good gaydar. He's the only one of the kids I ever actually told (I assume he told his brothers at some point -- I don't know, it never seemed to be an issue).

I then told him he still had to finish the dishes.

He's not gay, by the way, and has 5 lovely children. I am about 99.9% sure his boyfriend at the time is gay though.

The important thing is to not treat the situation like there is something wrong with him.

[ToddWeston]

I'm not sure what the big problem is here.

He's not going to hold a grudge about the are you sure response.

Why not just tell him you're there for him as a supportive ear whenever he wants to talk about this stuff, that is, IF you really feel that way ...

Actually it sounds like you really don't want this role. That could be a problem. If you really don't want the role, is it honest to act like you do?

You certainly did better than my parents anyway who responded by informing me that girls do oral too ...

I'm glad I didn't know that about girls I probably would have blurted that out, but I remember thinking who I could ask to take him to Soi Cowboy.

You're correct I don't want the role, who does? maybe it's because I never did the coming out thing and it seems kids nowadays do it with a splash or tears in his case.

[sustento]

Is he Thai? All you have to do is sit and listen and ask gentle questions that will lead him on to telling what he wants to tell you when he wants to tell it. He's not looking for advice - he's looking for someone to talk to. He's looking for someone to tell him it's OK for him to be gay.

When I told my Mum she just said 'I know - go and make a cuppa' and that was it. No big deal. No drama.

As Scott says don't make a big deal of it because it isn't a big deal.

[sustento]

If he is Thai it might be an idea to try and find out if he doesn't like your hubby for reasons other than he says. If you can get him and hubby talking that might help a lot.

[ToddWeston]

Yes he is Thai - just spent the evening with him and he thought my reaction was cute. It wasn't IMHO and I wish I did it differently but I more than made up for it tonight. He said he will come out to the rest of the family in the coming weeks but needs my support - oh sigh

The hubby situation is bad as neither like each other, I have no idea why and I'm spent dealing with family drama

If it ever happens again I'll just shut up, and not think too much and keep calm and carry on attitude.

[sustento]

No-one said that life would always be fun. I'm sure you'll do a magnificent job of supporting him until he feels comfortable with himself. Good luck!

[sustento]

As an aside I've spent the last 20 years being an 'Uncle' to 4 children of Thai friends of mine. The youngest was 3 when I first got to know them. The girl has just got married to her boyfriend of many ears.

None of them are gay but they've always asked me about stuff that they'd be embarrassed or uncomfortable asking their parents about and I've always given them the most honest answer I can.

They've all turned out to be really good people and it's been an enormous privilege to help them grow up.

[LeCharivari]

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you about "how Thais are", but one thing that a lot of farangs don't realise is that Thais generally don't wear their hearts on their sleeves like many Westerners do (something Sustento has alluded to) and the idea that "a problem shared is a problem halved" is totally alien to many Thais where a problem shared is just passing your problem on to someone else.

Thais will spend hours talking about absolutely nothing, tweeting away inanely (I'm a bit old for Tweeting), etc, and they'll quite happily gossip about anything including other people's sex lives, but where their own problems are concerned that's a different story. They just don't do heart-to-hearts. One of my in-laws (all Thai) made half-a-dozen posts on facebook last week about how much she's going to miss her baby (a few months old) as the baby's coming back to Thailand from Australia with her mother-in-law, and as she and her husband are both at Uni in Australia and working there mother-in-law looks after any babies (there when she's there, now here); none of my normally facebook-chatty in-laws said anything, until my partner showed me and I suggested he said something - its just not the "Thai way".

The problem for you, Todd, is that however much you are accepted by your partner's family you will never actually be part of the family - it simply isn't humanly possible, no matter how well you get on, speak Thai, eat Lao sausage, etc. You aren't Thai and you never will be, and that's the end of it - what that means in this context is that because you aren't "part of the family" per se (and can never be) there's no restriction on his unburdening himself to you as there would be to his Thai family and friends.

Its not that he doesn't trust them or he's worried about what they might say, or that he's particularly "honoured" you by choosing you to confide in - if anything its because he's not bothered about making a problem for you while he doesn't want to risk making a problem for his Thai family and friends - you're outside the "system", so you don't count!

The first time I experienced this was about 20 years ago with a Thai friend-of-a-friend who was several years older than me, had tons of close friends, whom I only knew well enough to have a beer with and pass the time of day. Out of the blue he's crying on my shoulder (literally) about his wife having sex with other men (something everyone knew, even me, but nobody said anything about) and pouring out all his life's woes, and when I look round to see if I've understood properly I realise that we're alone - and that's why he's chosen me.

All he needs is support and someone to talk to; personal advice isn't really on the cards, as you're situation's so different to his, and he doesn't need "love" - think of yourself as an "Aunt Sally" or "Agony Aunt". Talk about your experience if that's what he wants, but mostly just LISTEN - listening to other people's problems and talking about your own isn't really the "Thai way" and that's why, like it or not, you're "it".

[LeCharivari]

One of my kids went through a phase where he thought he was gay. We had a brief discussion and I told him I was pretty sure he wasn't gay, but if he was it was perfectly OK with me. He asked how I knew he wasn't gay and I told him I knew because I was gay and had pretty good gaydar. He's the only one of the kids I ever actually told (I assume he told his brothers at some point -- I don't know, it never seemed to be an issue).

I then told him he still had to finish the dishes.

He's not gay, by the way, and has 5 lovely children. I am about 99.9% sure his boyfriend at the time is gay though.

The important thing is to not treat the situation like there is something wrong with him.

" He asked how I knew he wasn't gay and I told him I knew because I was gay and had pretty good gaydar."

No offence, Scott, and I don't want to go off topic, but in my view while that may have worked for your son its the worst possible advice I think I've ever heard bar none and it certainly shouldn't be applied in Thailand.

All my gay friends who have ever spoken about it with me said that if they didn't already know I was gay they would never have had any idea; the most common comment is along the lines of "its all right for you - nobody would ever guess", and on the few occasions I have asked why the question never arose its either "nobody cared" ... "nobody dared" ... or "nobody ever thought about it".

The only person who knows if they are gay or not is the person themselves. No exceptions.

[ToddWeston]

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you about "how Thais are", but one thing that a lot of farangs don't realise is that Thais generally don't wear their hearts on their sleeves like many Westerners do (something Sustento has alluded to) and the idea that "a problem shared is a problem halved" is totally alien to many Thais where a problem shared is just passing your problem on to someone else.

Thais will spend hours talking about absolutely nothing, tweeting away inanely (I'm a bit old for Tweeting), etc, and they'll quite happily gossip about anything including other people's sex lives, but where their own problems are concerned that's a different story. They just don't do heart-to-hearts. One of my in-laws (all Thai) made half-a-dozen posts on facebook last week about how much she's going to miss her baby (a few months old) as the baby's coming back to Thailand from Australia with her mother-in-law, and as she and her husband are both at Uni in Australia and working there mother-in-law looks after any babies (there when she's there, now here); none of my normally facebook-chatty in-laws said anything, until my partner showed me and I suggested he said something - its just not the "Thai way".

The problem for you, Todd, is that however much you are accepted by your partner's family you will never actually be part of the family - it simply isn't humanly possible, no matter how well you get on, speak Thai, eat Lao sausage, etc. You aren't Thai and you never will be, and that's the end of it - what that means in this context is that because you aren't "part of the family" per se (and can never be) there's no restriction on his unburdening himself to you as there would be to his Thai family and friends.

Its not that he doesn't trust them or he's worried about what they might say, or that he's particularly "honoured" you by choosing you to confide in - if anything its because he's not bothered about making a problem for you while he doesn't want to risk making a problem for his Thai family and friends - you're outside the "system", so you don't count!

The first time I experienced this was about 20 years ago with a Thai friend-of-a-friend who was several years older than me, had tons of close friends, whom I only knew well enough to have a beer with and pass the time of day. Out of the blue he's crying on my shoulder (literally) about his wife having sex with other men (something everyone knew, even me, but nobody said anything about) and pouring out all his life's woes, and when I look round to see if I've understood properly I realise that we're alone - and that's why he's chosen me.

All he needs is support and someone to talk to; personal advice isn't really on the cards, as you're situation's so different to his, and he doesn't need "love" - think of yourself as an "Aunt Sally" or "Agony Aunt". Talk about your experience if that's what he wants, but mostly just LISTEN - listening to other people's problems and talking about your own isn't really the "Thai way" and that's why, like it or not, you're "it".

I think you're spot on - I'm outside the circle and I was the testing ground. He's been a shadow for the last couple of days and I have simply listened and tried to be as supportive as I can.

I do find it interesting when the nephew speaks about emotions it's in English with me but all the other fluff is in Thai.

Being an outsider is another topic or I'm sure has been covered in other threads but an incident few weeks ago and it was clear I'm part of the family but I'm not family. I wanted to know what the plans were for Mothers Day - do I need to find somewhere to book a table, find flowers and I suggested a few items for gifts - I was told in a nano second "don't worry we take care of she's our Mum". Yet on the other side of the world - well you know.

I do find the younger kids nowadays becoming more open about discussing feelings and emotions, there is always a gang of kids hanging out here and I listen and talk to all of them and I often think back to my early days and the only time my hubby would admit he had a toothache was after he refused ice cream. He's even commented that the kids are learning western traits of opening up and then adds "that's not very Thai"

[Scott]

One of my kids went through a phase where he thought he was gay. We had a brief discussion and I told him I was pretty sure he wasn't gay, but if he was it was perfectly OK with me. He asked how I knew he wasn't gay and I told him I knew because I was gay and had pretty good gaydar. He's the only one of the kids I ever actually told (I assume he told his brothers at some point -- I don't know, it never seemed to be an issue).

I then told him he still had to finish the dishes.

He's not gay, by the way, and has 5 lovely children. I am about 99.9% sure his boyfriend at the time is gay though.

The important thing is to not treat the situation like there is something wrong with him.

" He asked how I knew he wasn't gay and I told him I knew because I was gay and had pretty good gaydar."

No offence, Scott, and I don't want to go off topic, but in my view while that may have worked for your son its the worst possible advice I think I've ever heard bar none and it certainly shouldn't be applied in Thailand.

All my gay friends who have ever spoken about it with me said that if they didn't already know I was gay they would never have had any idea; the most common comment is along the lines of "its all right for you - nobody would ever guess", and on the few occasions I have asked why the question never arose its either "nobody cared" ... "nobody dared" ... or "nobody ever thought about it".

The only person who knows if they are gay or not is the person themselves. No exceptions.

Thanks for the feedback, but I didn't ask for any from you. As a fully qualified and Licensed Social Worker, I can assure you I have heard of worse things -- 'bar none'.

I was responding to the OP, your input was not requested or appreciated.

[LeCharivari]

Todd, its a total guess but his antipathy to your partner (sorry, but I hate the "hubby/wifey" bit) may be because he doesn't want to grow up to be like him or to be seen to be like him - not because of anything personal. Many Thais, even gay Thais, still have a fixation about being a "man", and think that if you're openly gay then you aren't a "man".

That view's changing but so slowly as to be imperceptible, and unfortunately Thais have no gay "role models" or heroes as we do in the West who fit the "man" category - no-one like Gareth Thomas or Orlando Cruz. Instead they have media personalities like Ma (horse) and Kru Lily, and the "gay activists" who are all also fem gays ("kathoeys" to many Thais) or lesbians. He's probably just frightened of being tarred with the same brush and is trying to distance himself from that stereotype.

You've already "actually said (hate me now) is this a phase ...........are you sure......." so that's out of the way - its NOT the "stupid comment" you thought it was, you didn't do anything "wrong", but its a natural reaction and in some ways he may have taken it as a compliment that you didn't notice anything and were taken by surprise!

He's also asked when you knew and so he might well ask again or ask if you think that he's gay since you asked him if he was sure, so it may be as well to be prepared with an answer. Most, but obviously not all of us, have known since we first thought about it (and I couldn't pin it down to a specific age, and it certainly wasn't when I was only 8!) so that's a simple answer. What IN MY VIEW you must NOT do, as I said in my second post above which was also intended for you, is to suggest IN ANY WAY that just because you are gay you have any way of knowing if he (or anyone else) is gay. Others may disagree (and obviously some do) but in my view the ONLY person who can say if he's gay is your nephew and to suggest that you have ANY way of knowing would be to influence him when he is at his most vulnerable; to me it's as unacceptable from you as it would be from a "straight" friend or relative telling him that they somehow know he's straight because they are, or that he's gay because he's not quite the same as them.

If he's wondering how he can be gay when he's a "man", which is not unusual for many gay Thais his age now, then have some suitable pictures of Gareth Thomas or Orlando Cruz lined up (and maybe fudge that there aren't any Thai equivalents by mumbling that you're only a farang so you don't know of any Thai ones).

Language skills aside, its not really any surprise that when he talks about his "emotions it's in English with (you) but all the other fluff is in Thai" - that's just a reflection of his "Thai" side.

It'd be interesting to know your partner's take on it all - but only after either your nephew tells him or, as you say, once the plane door closes.

[sustento]

You might want to try and get hold of a copy of 'Dear Uncle Go' by Peter A Jackson while you're in Thailand. It was written by Peter Jackson as part of his academic research. Uncle Go has been the Marje Proops for thai gay boys since the 70s. It contains letters from gay Thais and Uncle Go's answers. It's written as an academic study but I found it really interesting and it may answer a lot of your (and your nephew's) questions. It's not easily (or cheaply) available in the UK so grab a copy while you can.

[ToddWeston]

Todd, its a total guess but his antipathy to your partner (sorry, but I hate the "hubby/wifey" bit) may be because he doesn't want to grow up to be like him or to be seen to be like him - not because of anything personal. Many Thais, even gay Thais, still have a fixation about being a "man", and think that if you're openly gay then you aren't a "man".

That view's changing but so slowly as to be imperceptible, and unfortunately Thais have no gay "role models" or heroes as we do in the West who fit the "man" category - no-one like Gareth Thomas or Orlando Cruz. Instead they have media personalities like Ma (horse) and Kru Lily, and the "gay activists" who are all also fem gays ("kathoeys" to many Thais) or lesbians. He's probably just frightened of being tarred with the same brush and is trying to distance himself from that stereotype.

You've already "actually said (hate me now) is this a phase ...........are you sure......." so that's out of the way - its NOT the "stupid comment" you thought it was, you didn't do anything "wrong", but its a natural reaction and in some ways he may have taken it as a compliment that you didn't notice anything and were taken by surprise!

He's also asked when you knew and so he might well ask again or ask if you think that he's gay since you asked him if he was sure, so it may be as well to be prepared with an answer. Most, but obviously not all of us, have known since we first thought about it (and I couldn't pin it down to a specific age, and it certainly wasn't when I was only 8!) so that's a simple answer. What IN MY VIEW you must NOT do, as I said in my second post above which was also intended for you, is to suggest IN ANY WAY that just because you are gay you have any way of knowing if he (or anyone else) is gay. Others may disagree (and obviously some do) but in my view the ONLY person who can say if he's gay is your nephew and to suggest that you have ANY way of knowing would be to influence him when he is at his most vulnerable; to me it's as unacceptable from you as it would be from a "straight" friend or relative telling him that they somehow know he's straight because they are, or that he's gay because he's not quite the same as them.

If he's wondering how he can be gay when he's a "man", which is not unusual for many gay Thais his age now, then have some suitable pictures of Gareth Thomas or Orlando Cruz lined up (and maybe fudge that there aren't any Thai equivalents by mumbling that you're only a farang so you don't know of any Thai ones).

Language skills aside, its not really any surprise that when he talks about his "emotions it's in English with (you) but all the other fluff is in Thai" - that's just a reflection of his "Thai" side.

It'd be interesting to know your partner's take on it all - but only after either your nephew tells him or, as you say, once the plane door closes.

Thank you kindly for your response.

I think after the raw emotion he showed I took it to mean more than it actually meant. I was simply part of the process for him .

My partner (I know he won't read this) can be an arse with tradition, he goes native here and the Thai really comes out. I think it's cute one minute and then it bothers me, but it's also a money ego issue.

They spent part of the day together and hate each other more - so I'm silent. I think it does bring up family wounds that their son/brother/uncle left and became western and the west made him gay -just guessing but I do feel that.

He did show me pics of friends and wow the kid has good taste, I do agree since he's a sport fan (Chelsea hmmm) I will talk about some notable figures that aren't Hollywood glam boys.

Now it's really a wait and see when he decides to come out to the rest of the family if that's really part of his plan. I told him just fall in love and they will accept, after all these years I've been part of the family they do love each other unconditionally so go with that.

Edited August 26, 2013 by ToddWeston

[onthemoon]

You might want to try and get hold of a copy of 'Dear Uncle Go' by Peter A Jackson while you're in Thailand. It was written by Peter Jackson as part of his academic research. Uncle Go has been the Marje Proops for thai gay boys since the 70s. It contains letters from gay Thais and Uncle Go's answers. It's written as an academic study but I found it really interesting and it may answer a lot of your (and your nephew's) questions. It's not easily (or cheaply) available in the UK so grab a copy while you can.

I met Peter Jackson during his introduction of the book here in Thailand (gee, that must have been 15 years ago at least) and was not impressed. He used a weird-style tabloid (the same kind that you can find in the US that proves that aliens abducted Elvis) as his resource.

"Dear Uncle Go" is certainly an interesting read, but far away from current reality in Thailand.

[sustento]

You might want to try and get hold of a copy of 'Dear Uncle Go' by Peter A Jackson while you're in Thailand. It was written by Peter Jackson as part of his academic research. Uncle Go has been the Marje Proops for thai gay boys since the 70s. It contains letters from gay Thais and Uncle Go's answers. It's written as an academic study but I found it really interesting and it may answer a lot of your (and your nephew's) questions. It's not easily (or cheaply) available in the UK so grab a copy while you can.

I met Peter Jackson during his introduction of the book here in Thailand (gee, that must have been 15 years ago at least) and was not impressed. He used a weird-style tabloid (the same kind that you can find in the US that proves that aliens abducted Elvis) as his resource.

"Dear Uncle Go" is certainly an interesting read, but far away from current reality in Thailand.

I was never impressed with Jackson's own writings myself. He wrote a 'novel' (The Intrinsic Quality of Skin) in which a 'fictional' farang wandered around Thailand cottaging for 18 months then complaining at the end of it that he hadn't found any true friends. Strange place to look for friendship in a public lav.

I do think that some of the questions that are posed to Uncle Go are the same questions that a young Thai gay boy who lives out in the sticks would ask today.

[MrRealDeal]

I don't have much advice for you but you seem like a nice guy so I thought I would at least post something ...... All I can really add is that pretty much anything you do that done with care and concern will end up just fine , it's not so much what you say , assuming it's not absurd and hurtful, it's why you are saying it , he doesn't know anymore than you what to ask, or what he wants to hear , he really just want's someone to listen more than someone to talk. Listening also keeps you from having to worry that the talking instead part might not work so well ! You can pretty much never create a problem by listening but help a lot of people while you do it ....... it's the talking part that causes trouble !

The best answer more often than a lot of us like to admit is ....... I'm sorry but I don't know.

Saying I don't know about some aspect or question would help him to realize that him not knowing doesn't make him any different than you or the other people in the world who don't one thing or another.

And lets' face it from your post it would seem you, like me, should probably make him realize we don't really know but would be happy to listen or offer an opinion anyhow , which also means he won't take our opinion more seriously than it should be taken. insulating you and him from harm a little. from some small mistake. You are a lot less likely to accidentally hurt someone's feelings if you already told them you really have no idea what your talking about in the first place

Good Luck ,,,,,, it will work out for you I'm pretty sure just because you care.

Edited August 29, 2013 by MrRealDeal

[MrRealDeal]

Here are a few tip that might help .....

If you begin by joking a little and telling him that you are honored he would ask but ...... why do think I am any smarter than you ? If it was me in your position I might be asking you the same thing , and that sort of attitude it will right away let him know his quandary would be a quandary for a lot of other people including you.

You might then go on to further insulate yourselves from hurt feelings by pointing out it's one of the many things in life that have no perfect answer and each answer is often different for each person ...... but let's see if we can't find one TOGETHER

Telling stories, both ones that worked and ones that failed will make him realize he is not alone in the world of hard to figure out quandary's. .

Letting him know that being overly concerned with something he can't change is also good ..... nothing to worry about your either gona be gay or not gay worrying about it won't change that .... I personally would point out that pretty much everyone wants to be something they are not in some aspect ..... brunettes dye their hair blond , short people wish thy were tall , tall people wish they were shorter ! ..... People come to Asia not so much because they like Asian boys and girls but because people like things different from themselves ...... and that human response of wishing you were or had some other attribute involves EVERYONE .... and additionally most people eventually end up realizing it's not worth worrying about and don't care ...... just like eventually what ever happens he will eventually not care ..... eventually you will be you and comfortable with yourself even if it might not seem that way right now.

If he brings up what other people think ..... I would say right away that on the long list of things you should care what other people think. like being honest and good friend , loyal , trustworthy and all the attributes that make a good person good, being hetro sexual or gay are not anyplace on the list ..... it really doesn't matter if you are a straight jerkoff or a gay one you are still a jerkoff ! Or a nice person.

I would point out that when it comes to stupid people in this case the anti gay people and reiterate it IS stupid to insult people for an orientation they had nothing to do with .... that the stupid people of the world only seem like they get all the attention and matter because smart people don't waste as much time trying to educate stupid people of the truth as stupid people spend yelling and screaming about how right they are when they are wrong , the example I like to use is the airplane ..... only a handful of people thought it would work and everyone else said it would not ..... if people actually paid as much attention to the stupid people as it seems ..... we wouldn't have airplanes. Nor would we know the Earth revolves around the sun. ! If people actually cared what stupid people thought we would only have stupid products and bad science not computers and space stations ..... you get the idea

,

I wouldn't make a complete joke of it obviously but if you treat it like cancer he will be worried like cancer and if you treat it as just another part of life that everyone else has to deal with in some different way and it's not so much to worry about he will treat it that way in his mind rather than like he has cancer .... probably a poor choice of example to the sensitive types but you get the point. My point is that you really don't want to treat it in some exaggerated sense of severity for the sake of being polite as you might think would be better , keeping it in the proper perspective is a lot better ...... the truth is on the list of bad stuff happening being gay isn't on the list ..... it just might seem that way because someone else told you it should be.

Anyhow I hope some combination of all the posts help you to help him .... Like I said before there is no right answer for everyone so feel free to pick and chose from all the posts because you know him better than any of us know him and whatever you say should be tailored to him not what we might have tailored for ourselves or some other person.

Edited August 29, 2013 by MrRealDeal