My soon to be ex Thai wife and her secret lesbian life.....

[Somtamnication]

Not true without video!!

[box home]

For any reasonable person gay or straight, values such as mutual respect, trust and equality should be the basis of any healthy relationship.

that must be rare. mostly i see sado-machism or finance as the main basis for continuing relationships. so who are you to tell others how they should live there lives. go back to reading your bible, fantasy land is safer for you..

Edited January 31, 2014 by box home

[FiftyTwo]

This is just another example of why us westerners can't understand Thainess. I've been in Thailand since 2001 and have studied the Thai culture anf have many close Thai friends who have explained to me the ways of Thainess. Many Thai's are bisexual, but usually don't admit it, and others are openly transgendered, which Thailand is one of the few countries that tolerate this. Most everywhere you go there are ladyboys. Male or female Thai's normally can change their mind about a situation at a drop of a hat, like for instance most Thai's won't give notice to an employeer before quiteing/ leaving, one day theri there the next their gone, with no hint why their leaving, I've seen it all the time during my school teaching career in Thailand. Same in relationships, their totally unpredictable. All of a sudden POOF, their gone.

What are you teaching?

(I'm hoping the answer isn't English)

[GreenSnapper]

tom/dee's are a breed of its own and as already mentioned, they often don't identify as gay. Toms can be compared to ladyboys, which makes them transsexual. Not all are willing or able to undergo surgery though. Some women look like toms and are gay, some look feminine. They all have different preferences when it comes to choose a partner, along with different ideas on how to maintain a relationship. For any reasonable person gay or straight, values such as mutual respect, trust and equality should be the basis of any healthy relationship.

In Thailand relationships are more a have/need money sort of thing.

Tom has, Dee needs.

I don't know where you're getting your information, but the Tom/Dee thing is rarely about money. These are girls of the same age, typically, and neither are very well-off. I don't want to say these Toms are predatory (too strong a word), but they are usually the aggressors. And they know what buttons to push, how to talk to these girls, build trust, etc. It's not much different than a guy/girl courtship, except that these Toms are able to build trust much quicker, starting off as friends and all that.

What's odd is I rarely see older lesbian couples in Thailand--either that or I'm just not real observant. I must concede that when I'm out in public, I mostly only notice the young female hotties.

I used to drink in loads of bars with CM uni Tom/Dee couples.

Sometimes we would all sit together.

If Tom was taking her home, Tom paid her bill ...... everytime.

Yep, it's the standard Dee/Tom relationship, based usually on money. If a man comes along with higher status/money, the Dee will easily run away from the Tom and marry the man.

[how241]

Don't let her put you off Thailand get yourself back and have some fun.

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

+1....shake it off and go have some fun. It will all be forgotten soon...

[fredfish]

Some people are gay , majority are straight, maybe a bit more acceptance of gays would help them to live the life they want

This is nothing about you friend, she was not out to fool you but only looking for a safe place to park her butt

Sent from my iPhone using Thaivisa Connect Thailand

[geronimo]

This is just another example of why us westerners can't understand Thainess. I've been in Thailand since 2001 and have studied the Thai culture anf have many close Thai friends who have explained to me the ways of Thainess. Many Thai's are bisexual, but usually don't admit it, and others are openly transgendered, which Thailand is one of the few countries that tolerate this. Most everywhere you go there are ladyboys. Male or female Thai's normally can change their mind about a situation at a drop of a hat, like for instance most Thai's won't give notice to an employeer before quiteing/ leaving, one day theri there the next their gone, with no hint why their leaving, I've seen it all the time during my school teaching career in Thailand. Same in relationships, their totally unpredictable. All of a sudden POOF, their gone.

What are you teaching?

(I'm hoping the answer isn't English)

Eye dont think hease teaching inglish cuz his righting is very good. person alley eye rekon the hole toppik is just a wined up and nun of it realy happpend.

[lormakmak]

Many thanks for all your comments, good intentions and the flames... it's all good!

I used to live and work in Thailand for the best part of 10 years, I speak and understand a fair amount as well but not as good as when I was out there but also I just want you to know I was one of those who laughed and ridiculed the so called suckers when their relationships fell apart and they got ripped off and even been in womens company when their sponsor had called them from overseas, I lived quite a life out there and trod on a few peoples toes so to speak, so whatever people have to say about me and my performance with her I deserve and can take, in fact it does make me chuckle....

As for me posting links etc... yeah right dream on

As for me being an old man and her a young woman well there was 9 years difference in our ages so wrong there and I turned 40 last year, in fact her dissapearing was shortly after my 40th birthday, I have text messages from her leading up to about 2 weeks before it happened that I have looked back on and can't for the life of me really see what happened coming...

my reason for sharing this on here, well for one it's anonymous so I can open up and really tell it like it is without my own loss of face.... also I really do think it is appropriate for anyone who has a partner who uses the social network sites, the amount of 'other' accounts I have seen from people who are portraying themselves as loving mothers or fathers married with children on their open account compared to secret other account that yes their partner isn't added to on the friends list is quite shocking.... they do well to hide these accounts at first but as with many human beings along the way people get sloppy and forgetful!

a gentle reminder that all may not be what it seems regardless as to how well you think your relationship is going!

[lormakmak]

Also the real remorse that I feel is the fact that this woman used me, my social status and savings in my bank account for her benefit to get her ILR visa, it was me who filled out the paper work, me who took her to the UKBA on the day of the appointment, me me me on everything.... she couldn't and wouldn't even go to the doctor alone I had to take her there, she was no way independent at all, this is why it confused me that it was so easy to up and leave me and go out in the big wide world on her own....

[box home]

This is just another example of why us westerners can't understand Thainess. I've been in Thailand since 2001 and have studied the Thai culture anf have many close Thai friends who have explained to me the ways of Thainess. Many Thai's are bisexual, but usually don't admit it, and others are openly transgendered, which Thailand is one of the few countries that tolerate this. Most everywhere you go there are ladyboys. Male or female Thai's normally can change their mind about a situation at a drop of a hat, like for instance most Thai's won't give notice to an employeer before quiteing/ leaving, one day theri there the next their gone, with no hint why their leaving, I've seen it all the time during my school teaching career in Thailand. Same in relationships, their totally unpredictable. All of a sudden POOF, their gone.

What are you teaching?

(I'm hoping the answer isn't English)

Eye dont think hease teaching inglish cuz his righting is very good. person alley eye rekon the hole toppik is just a wined up and nun of it realy happpend.

sorry to correct your ingrish but i tink u mean "nun of it wealy happened"

[wineredsea]

It doesn't matter with whom or what they run off it, hurts all the same. It's the Deceit.

Agreed. The deceit, breech of trust and absolute lack of caring for another human being.

[humqdpf]

First you change the locks and make sure that ex cannot gain access to your home or vehicle. In fact, I would suggest moving house both for psychological reasons and to make it difficult for her to cause trouble for you.

Change all your passwords on email and other accounts and make sure that she cannot access your text messages etc it is possible to have SMS messages sent to a third party phone if that third party is listed on the bill. Make sure that she has no rights of access to your bank accounts or any other source of money. Perhaps have the bank put all withdrawals on SMS warning. Then document everything, including all the Facebook stuff you mention - make several copies and keep them in different safe places.

You can then file for divorce - check with your solicitor but probably divorce on the grounds of abandonment. It is probably too late now but you could have made out a missing persons report with the police when she first went missing.

You should take all legal steps to ensure that your assets and money are legally protected so that she cannot claim them as part of some divorce settlement. Obvious stuff - close all joint bank accounts, if any.

Based on the advice of your solicitor, you may have to write a letter to the immigration authorities stating the fact that she abandoned the marriage at a certain time within X time of receiving the visa. It will be up the immigration to decide whether she has committed some sort of immigration fraud. Keep the iPhone messages as that will show your intentions were not devious.

Unless she is currently taking steps to divorce you herself and has plans to milk you in that way, you should consider that you have got off lightly. It would appear that she is too taken up with her lesbian lifestyle and sees her future, including her financial future, in that direction. She could have set things up differently, had a few noisy rows, get a neighbor on her side so that the police are called on a few occasions, even provoke you into slapping her face which then sets the scene for divorcing you because of your violent behaviour and getting a chunk of your assets and income as a result. She could claim that her lack of English and that her qualifications are not recognised in the UK and therefore you promised her that she could retrain on your coin. You can see where I am going with this . . .

It really looks like you got off lightly. Be more careful next time!

[MrHammer]

Marriage.

Just keeps on giving.

Amazed people still marry if they are not forced to because of children.

[FiftyTwo]

Marriage.

Just keeps on giving.

Amazed people still marry if they are not forced to because of children.

Too right, why a guy with the snip want's to get married is beyond me.

[MrHammer]

One is stronger, dominant, AKA "butch".

Other more feminine.

My sister's gay, not obviously Dee but has always had stronger partners.

Tom is gay

Dee is an employee, just with a gay employer (at this moment in time).

Very incorrect. A Tom is not necessarily gay,...more likely, their gender identity is male, and their sexual preference is women.

Same with Ladyboys,...they are not "gay"...their gender identity is female, and many have a sexual preference for males.

A butch is a masculine lesbian,...whereas a Tom is more likely a F2M.

Acceptance of gender identity in Thai society (although not in Thai law) is likely where the rest of the planet, with the exception of Russia, is likely moving towards.

The time of the patriarchal binary gender paradigm is near its end. And keep in mind,...there are not 2 (male/female) or 3 (other) variables, but many, many gender types.

As for Tom's being lesbians,...the few Tom's I've met would take offense at such a designation. For those interested in this perhaps 20% of the Thai population,...try:

http://www.silkwormbooks.com/each_titles/e_thailand/tom_dee.htm

Lol.

'Patriarchal binary gender paradigm'.

Get the f...out of there you social-constructivist fantic.

There are two sexes male and female and some in between due to genetical abnormalities.

Gender is a made up word largely. Maybe I decide that I am infact female-gendered and therefore would like to visit the girls lockerroom? 'But you dress like a man, clearly you're not gender female' I hear you shrieking. But - alas - you are then being discriminatory! Who are you to say what gender roles are? They are after all only a construct of partriarchy. So it is in fact perfectly fine for me to identify as a female while dressed like a man with 5 o clock shadow.

I look forward to pursuing my new gender identity in women's locker rooms and showers in the coming time.

Thank you for helping me find my way.

PS.

Live and let live. The crazy social constructivist crowd is just as bad as the bigots.

[OxfordWill]

I self identify as male with a sexual preference for females within a gender-neutral male-oriented female-centric framework, and I strongly reject any non-male-sexual-male-female-gender-positive-female-oriented-male-centrivist views as an attack on my BASIC HUMAN RIGHT to be an idiot.

Edited January 31, 2014 by OxfordWill

[chiang mai]

[lormakmak]

First you change the locks and make sure that ex cannot gain access to your home or vehicle. In fact, I would suggest moving house both for psychological reasons and to make it difficult for her to cause trouble for you.

Change all your passwords on email and other accounts and make sure that she cannot access your text messages etc it is possible to have SMS messages sent to a third party phone if that third party is listed on the bill. Make sure that she has no rights of access to your bank accounts or any other source of money. Perhaps have the bank put all withdrawals on SMS warning. Then document everything, including all the Facebook stuff you mention - make several copies and keep them in different safe places.

You can then file for divorce - check with your solicitor but probably divorce on the grounds of abandonment. It is probably too late now but you could have made out a missing persons report with the police when she first went missing.

You should take all legal steps to ensure that your assets and money are legally protected so that she cannot claim them as part of some divorce settlement. Obvious stuff - close all joint bank accounts, if any.

Based on the advice of your solicitor, you may have to write a letter to the immigration authorities stating the fact that she abandoned the marriage at a certain time within X time of receiving the visa. It will be up the immigration to decide whether she has committed some sort of immigration fraud. Keep the iPhone messages as that will show your intentions were not devious.

Unless she is currently taking steps to divorce you herself and has plans to milk you in that way, you should consider that you have got off lightly. It would appear that she is too taken up with her lesbian lifestyle and sees her future, including her financial future, in that direction. She could have set things up differently, had a few noisy rows, get a neighbor on her side so that the police are called on a few occasions, even provoke you into slapping her face which then sets the scene for divorcing you because of your violent behaviour and getting a chunk of your assets and income as a result. She could claim that her lack of English and that her qualifications are not recognised in the UK and therefore you promised her that she could retrain on your coin. You can see where I am going with this . . .

It really looks like you got off lightly. Be more careful next time!

All been done already, she is being divorced for unreasonable behaviour, she has no access to any of my assets and has no right either, she paid nothing towards the house keeping or any mortgage and kept all her salary to herself!

I have a well paid job and thought I was doing the right and correct thing by letting her keep her money to herself, maybe she took my kindness as a weakness, you know also had she been more upfront and faced me to talk about why she didn't want to be married and live with me anymore I am the type that would have probably given her some money to go with...anyways I appreciate your thoughts but I have it confirmed by my solicitor that she has no right to anything, we were married a short time(no pun intended) and no children.

As for being careful.... well I don't know how long I am supposed to court someone before marriage, or if I can take their words as 100% true as like I say all along we were a normal couple, had rows, made up, she initiated sex as much as me the list goes on....

[Showbags]

Perhaps you can use the 10 days in Los to learn how to make love properly this time.

And you're just the man to show him, right? You must think the cure for lesbianism is a good shag from a man like you.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

[Showbags]

Marriage.

Just keeps on giving.

Amazed people still marry if they are not forced to because of children.

That is not a reason to marry...never worked for me

[belg]

she just needed a kwai to bring her to the UK and if she gets 50% of your everything, she will be super happy

but i see already many pages of reply

with a low post count poster = more than possible troll of the week

[Kitsune]

One of my dads best friends in Eastbourne was married to an english woman for 45 years he was 72 and she was 67 , one night she just said ''i am a lesbian and i am divorcing you'' he was shocked as were the 3 grownup kids , she took him for every penny and basicly made the poor bloke destitute at 72 , her kids have disowned her and looked after him until he passed away 3 years later she moved in with her 59 year old dyke lover .

the moral is its not only Thai women that are barmy Tink Tonk

Not the same at all, no visa / gain involved

[Kitsune]

Repeat after me :

1/ In Thailand marriage is a social affair, love does not come in the equation.

2/ It's still a developing country so girls DO see you as a ticket out of poverty.

3/ Don't come crying afterwards, you knew 1 and 2 all along anyway.

[lormakmak]

she just needed a kwai to bring her to the UK and if she gets 50% of your everything, she will be super happy

but i see already many pages of reply

with a low post count poster = more than possible troll of the week

you see many pages of reply but you not read.... she won't get 50% of anything

low post count is because I do not feel the need to comment on anything and everything

original post was last year and the link is on 1st page

thanks for stopping by

[robertthebruce]

One is stronger, dominant, AKA "butch".

Other more feminine.

My sister's gay, not obviously Dee but has always had stronger partners.

Tom is gay

Dee is an employee, just with a gay employer (at this moment in time).

Very incorrect. A Tom is not necessarily gay,...more likely, their gender identity is male, and their sexual preference is women.

Same with Ladyboys,...they are not "gay"...their gender identity is female, and many have a sexual preference for males.

A butch is a masculine lesbian,...whereas a Tom is more likely a F2M.

Acceptance of gender identity in Thai society (although not in Thai law) is likely where the rest of the planet, with the exception of Russia, is likely moving towards.

The time of the patriarchal binary gender paradigm is near its end. And keep in mind,...there are not 2 (male/female) or 3 (other) variables, but many, many gender types.

As for Tom's being lesbians,...the few Tom's I've met would take offense at such a designation. For those interested in this perhaps 20% of the Thai population,...try:

http://www.silkwormbooks.com/each_titles/e_thailand/tom_dee.htm

I'm lost with all this terminology.....

[lormakmak]

Repeat after me :

1/ In Thailand marriage is a social affair, love does not come in the equation.

2/ It's still a developing country so girls DO see you as a ticket out of poverty.

3/ Don't come crying afterwards, you knew 1 and 2 all along anyway.

1 in Thailand we met, in Enlgand we married.... there will be many happily married people on here that will disagree with your thoughts to the latter

2, Thailand is a wealthy country compared to many around the world

3, I am not crying, just sharing my experience and hopefully getting other people a bit savvy to what could happen in any relationship and I disagree with your points 1 & 2

4, how come you are the expert on love in Thailand and it's people if you believe number 1?

[belg]

my wife claims, if she would cheat me with a woman, it would not count as cheating...

should i be worried? loooooooooooooool

[lormakmak]

my wife claims, if she would cheat me with a woman, it would not count as cheating...

should i be worried? loooooooooooooool

what if you cheated on her with a khatoey?

[Kitsune]

Repeat after me :

1/ In Thailand marriage is a social affair, love does not come in the equation.

2/ It's still a developing country so girls DO see you as a ticket out of poverty.

3/ Don't come crying afterwards, you knew 1 and 2 all along anyway.

1 in Thailand we met, in Enlgand we married.... there will be many happily married people on here that will disagree with your thoughts to the latter

2, Thailand is a wealthy country compared to many around the world

3, I am not crying, just sharing my experience and hopefully getting other people a bit savvy to what could happen in any relationship and I disagree with your points 1 & 2

4, how come you are the expert on love in Thailand and it's people if you believe number 1?

1/ In Thailand, for Thai people, in Thai culture, (same thing ) marriage is a social affair. The primary goal of Thai wedding is not love.

A Thai person living in UK would not necessarily adopts European values about love and marriage.

2/ Thailand is still very poor compared to UK, by any standard. And yes it's richer than other Asian countries, but I doubt somewhat that she would have fallen in "love" for a Cambodian lol

3/ We have ALL read the same exact stories here for many years, on this very same forum, it's no expertise, it's just compilation! there used to have much more, and they were very inflammatory, with a lot of "B*tch" and W*** words, very degrading for women, but it looked bad at some point, so they stopped, now it's much more civilized...

[lormakmak]

Repeat after me :

1/ In Thailand marriage is a social affair, love does not come in the equation.

2/ It's still a developing country so girls DO see you as a ticket out of poverty.

3/ Don't come crying afterwards, you knew 1 and 2 all along anyway.

1 in Thailand we met, in Enlgand we married.... there will be many happily married people on here that will disagree with your thoughts to the latter

2, Thailand is a wealthy country compared to many around the world

3, I am not crying, just sharing my experience and hopefully getting other people a bit savvy to what could happen in any relationship and I disagree with your points 1 & 2

4, how come you are the expert on love in Thailand and it's people if you believe number 1?

1/ In Thailand, for Thai people, in Thai culture, (same thing ) marriage is a social affair. The primary goal of Thai wedding is not love.

A Thai person living in UK would not necessarily adopts European values about love and marriage.

2/ Thailand is still very poor compared to UK, by any standard. And yes it's richer than other Asian countries, but I doubt somewhat that she would have fallen in "love" for a Cambodian lol

3/ We have ALL read the same exact stories here for many years, on this very same forum, it's no expertise, it's just compilation! there used to have much more, and they were very inflammatory, with a lot of "B*tch" and W*** words, very degrading for women, but it looked bad at some point, so they stopped, now it's much more civilized...

your opinion and you are entitled to it...i've read the stories as well but not many like mine!

notice you didn't answer number 4..... I still think there will be many that disagree with you on your points though...