Uncomfortable Position

[Bluetongue]

If the relations are that bad your daughter must realise something, you can both either tell your daughter the truth and that is why you don't want him there or simply continue as you are and attend with your wife and be uncomfortable for a day. Don't let her (your wife) go alone.

[chrisinth]

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If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.
However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

OP, without trying to sound harsh, it was your and your wife's wishes to have the girl live with you, with that comes responsibility. In both the OP and the above posts, the underlying point, which appears to me to be above your step daughter's happiness, is about finances. As horrible as this may sound, you would be willing to accept money from the biological father, yet you would feel uncomfortable with him attending, with the wishes of you step daughter, an extremely important day in the life of your step daughter? That is how it reads to me, right or wrong.

IMHO, it is your step daughter's day, one day, go with the flow, go with your daughter's wishes.

There is nothing nice for the husband and wife in any divorce and there is even less for any children caught up in what they do not understand. She is your step daughter, he is her biological father. Don't deprive her of having the love of the both of you.

The above points are not a dig at you, I can understand the uncomfort of the situation. It was just the way I read it.

C

[Chonburiram]

Your stepdaughter is a plonker, not realising what she is asking for. I would take this VERY personal.

[seajae]

Like you I have a step daughter that was with me from birth, her father has never seen her nor has he tried to see her and my daughter recognises me as her father due to this fact and wants nothing to do with him. With yours she had her father live with her for some time(I presume he did live with them) so she would have formed an attachment/bond to him and they have kept intouch since so it is fair to say that they probably love each other as father and daughters do. You cannot deny her this, if it is her wish and if her father is willing to pay for the flights and his accomodation then it cannot be denied him because he is her natural father, I realize how unconfortable it will make you feel but you must show her that you love her enough to accept her decision. It is only natural to want your natural father there if there is that bond between them, you are obviously also considered her father by her, you just have to accept what she wants, she is an adult and has the right to have who ever she wants there.

Hopefully you are strong enough to accept this and be able to show her that you are also extremely proud of her, you never know, you may even like the guy, just because he and your wife turned out incompatible doesnt mean he is not a decent person.

[kingstonkid]

If he wants to pay to get himself from china to thailand. Let him.

I don't know why you have to feel worried. Why your wife gives a <deleted> about him is a different question. Just let it be, and be the man above it all.

I think it fair to say that my wife absolutely detests him, if you knew the reason for their divorce, you would understand why ! As many have said, and I and my wife agree with, he is her biological father.

However the foundations have been laid, her university days will be very expensive, does anybody think he will assist in paying the bills? I don't think so for one minute. Then there is the flip side of the coin, if I were him, I would be very embarrassed to witness his blood daughters huge step up in life knowing he had nothing at all to do with it.

No offence but i hear me me me.

School graduation, marriage, first child, who she marries, who walks her down the aisle.

none of these are your choices and to be frank they are not your wife's either.

If you want to compleetely alienate your daughter and have her hate you for life.

Say no or pout and say I am not going.

I have a step daughter.

Her father left shortly after she was born. Then came back inot her life at age 11 for good.

My Mother inlaw was the huge problem in the mix and kept her away from him.

Whenn I moved due to work she concinved daughter to ask for her to be made guardian.

When she got married she had her grandfather her father and me that she had to sort out.

I was asked to take a back seat. I had also been the motivating force in heer upbringing. I was the one tht met with teachers and sorted o ut the get an education.I was the one that took her on holidays with us.

She made the decisions that her father would walk her part way down the aisle, her grandfather would walk her the rest of the way and that iwould be MC and run the reception. I was also the one on the hook for all expenses bride related including the reception and dinner,wweeding dress. No one else paid a scent.

We all agreed and even though grandfather did not really appreciate either me or the father I sat down with the father and told hm how much he meant to her and that the best thing we could do was get on with it and make it happen.

My advice grow up realize that the day has nothing to do with what you want it is and always will be what she wants.

[seajae]

You should attend, however I get the feeling your stepdaughter is asking you to pay for him to travel? Personally I wouldn't do that but you would have to explain this to her sensitively

I agree. that is one step to far.

This has not been raised by daughter, in fact wife and I both agree he pays for all his expenses and he will not be allowed to stay with us. One thing I didn't mention for fear of muddying the waters, and that is he is quite a successful business man in his own right. The daughter does not know of the full and true reasons why her blood parents divorced. There is no need to explain, and if it was divulged, I think daughter would be terribly upset.

but you also have to understand that this is based on what your wife(and probably her friends/family) told you and no input from the other side. I know many men that have been put down severely by their ex's only to find out that it was not the truth. What you also have to realize is that if the daughter was living with both parents for any length of time(at least a few years) she would have witnessed seen what they were like and would not want him there if it was all true, kids are not silly , they do see what is happening around them. As a business man he probably never had the time to take care of her either when her mother left, anyone that works on a succesful business puts in a lot of hours, you need to keep an open mind and not cause any angst for your daughter.

[Torrens54]

I think I can comment from two points of view:

From that of a biological father who "went missing" and, an Adoptive Father, who one day, will perhaps be faced with a similar situation to the one you are in.

I worked in an industry where in my younger years, there were plenty of delightful young ladies wanting to know me. I fathered a little girl but didn't see a lot of her or her mother, as I was already married with children and had a number of other "flings" underway. The child is now an adult, doing very well for herself thanks to the efforts of her Mother and the man who adopted her. She has however, recently been in contact with me and I just can't wait to see her. I know I can never make up for "not being there" and I would never want to take away from what her "adoptive" father did for her. I just want her to know that I do love her. I don't expect her forgiveness, nor do I deserve it.

On the other hand, my wife here in Thailand and I adopted a little girl, who is now a beautiful and very bright Teenager, Her biological father has NEVER seen her and her Birth Mother was never around very much to look after her. Fortunately, my wife was able to get them to both sign adoption papers years ago and we have a very happy family. No doubt though, there will come a time when our "little girl" will want to get in touch with her biological father. I'm sure I'll feel very much as you do at the moment but I also know that, I won't stand in the way of ANYTHING that will make my little girl happy.

My suggestion, let her invite the biological father to the graduation, you have nothing to fear and YOUR Little Girl will love and appreciate you even more for the good and decent person that you are. Oh, make sure he pays his own way!

Best wishes!

Edited March 15, 2014 by Torrens54

[realenglish1]

The long and the short of it is Its her biological father and she wants him there. This will not take away from the fact that you raised her and she knows it

Let her have her wish in the final analysis she knows he did not have much to do with her and she will not forget what you did for her

Don't let petty jealousy interfere with the family. Have the graduation and then move on. Its not like he wants to get back with your wife

[mjaumock]

I think you have a great opportunity.

Set the table.

This could be the first of many, many events that you attend together.

If he is going to be a part of her and your life by extension, do the unthinkable and try to make him MORE comfortable.

How would that NOT make you look like the best dad ever?

And when weddings and grandkids come along, nobody will have this angst and discomfort, and everyone wins.

It will be better for everyone, and someday, you're daughter will tell you how great it was that you stepped up, and were the better man.

[PaulHamon]

I would attend, it is the father would should feel uncomfortable sitting next to you!

CORRECT, and your daughter will be happy, and also see that your the bigger man (don't know how to write that eloquently).

[Tatsujin]

You've done a fine job of being a father and raising a very switched on young lady. Kudos for that.

Personally, in a case such as this, I would like to think I'm the "better" man and would have no problems if the biological father attended.

YOUR daughter knows already who her real father is, and it's not the guy in China.

[dao16]

I have been in similar situations. It is normal to feel this way, but now acknowledge that and throw those feelings in the trash. I wouldn't want to really sit next to him necessarily (neither would my wife with her ex) and I would let her and your daughter interact with him. Also, obviously, airfare, hotels, and all that stuff needs to come out of his pocket and your total expenses should equal the big 0.

Last thing...make all this clear to your wife and daughter. Anyway, don't make it a big serious thing as you want a relationship with your daughter in the future as well, and from the sounds of it, your relationship in the future will be much more important than hers with his, so no reason to sacrifice that for one ceremony.

[Thongkorn]

First you did a great Job. personally I would have been hurt, You have taken on board some one else s child, and brought her up as your own. to your credit, Why would your Daughter or your wife ask such a thing of you, After what you have done for them as a good loving husband, why do they not think of your feelings, and ask your view as her parent. I would except your wife and Daughters wishes, But i would watch carefully and take care of my future feelings towards them as obliviously they don't take care of your feeling's.

[473geo]

Some valid attempts here to identify and explain the actions, reactions on both sides, and some good advice

First off her biological father although itermittently has been a part of her life, enough that she can evaluate the 'love' he shows toward her and make her choices

You have provided support in many ways, perhaps it is difficut to accept you may be loved as a favourite teacher but not as a real father, she has a real father, sounds harsh, but true. Your daughter can not be expected to transfer the love for her father to you, and ignore him. She may well have dreamt of spending more time with her father, and certainly wondering about him for sure

You seem to be making plans for her future how involved in these decisions is your daughter, perhaps she feels her real father should also be involved, perhaps your idea and her idea of the future are not as well aligned as you expect, maybe she is broadening her options?

So you have only one option, invite the man, welcome him, because he is in her thoughts and is undoubtedly part of her life. If you try and make things difficult it would only serve to estrange you from your daughter, it is all there to see if you look.

[ttthailand]

Unless this guy was abusive or totally ignored his daughter for her entire life you would be the worst person ever to come between a father and daughter. There are two sides to every story. Perhaps this guy did all he could or perhaps it was difficult for him to contact her because of your wife. I am sure his daughter leaving China was not easy for him. This is not about you it is your STEP daughter and what she wants.

Be proud of the help you gave her and now let her start making decisions in her life. Don't make this about what you did or you will loose it all... Sit back and enjoy HER day !

Edited March 15, 2014 by ttthailand

[krisb]

He's the man who should be feeling uncomfortable, not you.

Congrats on her success

[drand11]

Its her father. Dad should see daughter graduate! Dont take her request as a slap in face. She has 2 Dads, she should share this life event w both fathers. Be happy.

[lumply]

You can't stop him from coming. How do you know that he actually wants to come to his blood daughter's graduation anyway?

[Maroon Watcher]

Yep thats the final word/s

She then said that she wanted her father to travel and attend her graduation.

[arjunadawn]

Having been adopted, and then belonging to a broken home where a father was elsewhere, I understand this "phase" of life where we want to connect, share, or know our connections in the world. It might be possible she is inadvertently taking you for granted; I doubt it. Her choice is probably lacking lucidity and depth that you might prefer; she simply wants this, and that should be enough for you- Dad. Give it to her with love and support. This moment will pass, regardless of the lip biting you must endure.

I agree with the first responder, BeachProperty- allow her this moment (you could not really change anything anyway other than ruin if for all), but don't pay or support his travel. Be kind, warm, mature, and gracious. Congrats. It does take a warm, loving person to embrace another's child, give life there, and build your world around the mom and child. Take it from one who knows, blood does not make a family, nor mom/dad and child. Really. It is not cliche. Where your heart is your home is.

NOTE: His wealth of lack thereof is irrelevant- totally. I would sit with daughter and discuss how important this day is for her, and for everyone around her, and that she is asked to be aware of the sensibilities of the people in her life for this function. Share with her your feelings. I assure you Dad, it will be quite difficult for the other man as well.

Edited March 15, 2014 by arjunadawn

[Wordworx]

Nice work, on your part. Good man.

Ask the young woman If she wants him there. If so, he pays (my guess is he will not). If it happens, after, buy the A-hole taxi fare and get his deadbeat ass out of the scene ASAP.

[Daniel Boon]

its not a betrayal of you ...

if you block, obstruct or diminish her father coming over, it will reflect more on you than he ...

you said she is smart, let her tick that box (of showing off to her biological father) ...

[lucjoker]

I would buy him the ticket ,pay for his hotel and give him some presents,take him for a trip in Walking street and soi 6,

Ones in soi 6 he will probably be late for the graduation ?

Then it is your time to enjoy.

See of your steph daughter still happy with "i want that...."

For a bright girl it was not a verry normal decision ,she must understand that you are not comfortable whit her wish?

If the chinese father has the money to fly ,why did he have no money for her school? See if she has an answer for that?

Wish you the best.

[tiffanystoyz]

Your comfort should not be the issue as you stated you love her as if you yourself fathered her if you fail to be there for her now you can undo all the time and love you put in to it. It is her father who should be uncomfortable and you must stand tall to show her you understand no matter what he is her father and you as a man of principal understand that but your still proud of her , Also give her credit I'm sure she knows who got her to where she is now. Been there done that with three stepdaughters never said a bad thing about there deadbeat dad let them discover for themselves. And to this day the girls love as if I fathered them that my friend no amount of money can buy. Don't make this a money issue being a father is being there for the good and the bad Oh by the way when time came to get married all three asked me to give them away. So who do you think is proud? So my advice be there be willing to stand on the side if you raised her as I think you did you may get something worth more than money can buy. Good luck. You Sir are a rare man stand tall now if her father can't afford to be there ask your daughter if she wants you to pay for his ticket to be there for this special event, If yes do it get him hotel room nothing fancy but ok , Maybe give him a couple thousand baht to take his daughter out afterward. Just never say you gave him money to take her out. You'll know and I'm sure your wife will and nothing else matters but your stepdaughters happiness here That what a real dad would do. Be the example not the &lt;deleted&gt;. And again Goodluck.

Edited March 15, 2014 by tiffanystoyz

[wym]

Yes you give give give, but can't expect much in return, the joy is in the giving and seeing her get positive results, she'll be empowered to get what SHE wants in life.

I'm amazed you think you have ANY say in the matter if you're not being asked to subsidise his trip.

Even if it turns out that she does "only" value you as Mom's new mate who turned out to be a helpful teacher and sees him as her "real" father, don't let that be a negative for you be proud of what you've done and accept that you no longer have control over what she chooses to do with any aspect of her life, least of all who she loves and how.

[Leung Falang]

I was in the position of the biological father but divorced when my youngest was seven. I was forced by my company of 14 years to move far away so it was very difficult to maintain really good relations. I did faithfully pay quite generous child support those many years and did often have her visit in the summer, and once even in Hong Kong during university. She got married at graduation from university and her step-father gave her away but I was invited and did attend. He was not a great dad but he was her everyday dad for those many years.

We have a great relationship today and I am very happy to have been at her wedding-she remains married and has five great children.

I am sure your daughter loves you and respects you. There may be any number of reasons she wants her biological father to attend. If he comes, he should surely pay his own way and NOT stay with you or VISIT you at your home. If they want to spend some time together, up to them, but without you or mom.

Celebrate with your daughter, and let someone else tell her the bad things about him.

Love her, love your wife, and like another said "smile".

[malt25]

First off......You SHOULD be proud of "your" daughter. You and your wife obviously did a great job raising her....kudos to the both of you.

As for you feeling uncomfortable....I understand why you may feel that way BUT your daughter wanting her father at HER graduation in no way belittles or lessens the role you have played in her life. Although her biological father played a very little role in her life ....he still is her "biological father" and it is HER wish to have him come to the graduation (for whatever reasons). Your main concern for your daughters graduation should be to make it as happy and perfect as possible for her. Showing your anger or jealously at the visit of her "biological father" will only ruin things for everyone.

That being said....I wouldn't pay for the airfare for him to attend or have him stay in your home as a guest.

Only my opinion ....good luck with your dilemma....And again Kudos and Congrats to you, your wife and daughter.

Nothing else needs to be added.... very, very well said.

[OxfordWill]

If she is as intelligent as you suggest, I strongly suspect she has the maturity to know that youre the real dad. I believe your feelings are based on the fear that she might somehow think less of you by his presence and you dont want to encourage that? Whichever way, she is a smart young woman and women are very good at connecting all parts of their life and people together without any one part detracting from the value of another. What I am saying is, you are viewing it from a male perspective and actually, I would be more concerned if the child was a son as he may have some real desire to connect/bond to an inappropriate character. However, I think your stepdaughter simply wants her Dad and her Father to both be there on her special day. I doubt it will change anything, but it might make her very happy to see that you can find a place however small, for her biological father in your thinking/considerations.

Furthermore unless there is a reason that it would harm her to have him there, such as he a violent drunk, she will not be impressed if you show your insecurities or feelings of uncomfort show over the issue and may end up thinking ever so slightly less of you if you block the request.

Edited March 15, 2014 by OxfordWill

[Tony125]

My apologies for posting this thread under a new name. I was not attempting the pull the wool over anyone's eyes, I simply did not want to have any answers to this genuine question interfered with by attitudes towards me from previous posts under my original title.

As stated this is a genuine question and issue, and I will delete the "honky" account when this thread has run it's course

I have a beutifull grown daughter with 2 great gran kids, her mother and I basically can't stand each other . We never talk or correspond in any way "BUT" if there is a birthday gathering for gran kids or daughter or some other family affair we both attend so as not to make my daughter feel uncomfortable smile and act civil . Go to the affair and don't make your daughter feel uncomfortable or hurt because you won't attend after asking her what she wanted and she told you. Doesn't lessen what you did for her so suck it up and show what a great dad and man you are.

[fvw53]

...in China love and affection are calculated in money terms...as it seems the Chinese father has money I would certainly ask the daughter how much he will contribute to her further education