Billy Connolly

[tourleadersi]

Billy Connolly's 13 things I hate about people:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the

time....I know where my watch is pal, where the <deleted> is yours? Do I point

at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the

entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV

and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat

it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of

course it is. Why the <deleted> would you keep looking after you've found it?

Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".

No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the

f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really

give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If

it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an

improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the <deleted>?? Life

is the longest ###### thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's

longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the

bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used

to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that

nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks

that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if

you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has

to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well

I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

Edited July 1, 2006 by penzman

[John_Betong]

Billy calls the internet 'The Great Anorak in the Sky'.

'You know why those people are on the internet?' he asks. 'Because you wouldn't speak to them in the pub, that's why!' Billy has sent one email in his whole life, to Eric Idle. He knows there's a reply for him somewhere out there in the electronic cosmos, but he's b******d if he can remember how to retrieve it."

Optimism is everything. The desire for peace and happiness creates peace and happiness. If alternate medice works, and it does seem to, perhaps it's time we tried alternatice politics.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started?

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.”

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter.

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I¹m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America. . . . People shout: "Hey ­ I know you! You're That Guy."

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. . . . My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.

I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

I don't believe in angels, no. . . . But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

I think that you'll find that Billy Connolly is British.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.”

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight. . . . The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.

There's nothing like it, but it's not as good as you think it's going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club's badge -- but not a sausage.”

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking. . . . I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

“So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I'm a schizophrenic,

and so am I.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

outgrew the media ... The negativity felt like a disease.

He's a millionaire yet every few seconds had to go 'f***'. What is he trying to prove? Is he trying to show he's bigger and better than everyone else?

Do you remember that politician who died with the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?

[John_Betong]

URGENT MESSAGE TO ADMIN: Please correct the spelling of this great man's name in the title.

Billy Connolly's Desiderata........ excerpt from his book

"Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways. Have lots of long lie-ins. Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction: tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f****** great.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

Never eat food that comes in a bucket.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting. Boo joggers. Don't work out, work in.

Play the banjo.

Sleep with somebody you like.

Eat plenty of Liquorice Allsorts.

Try to live in a place you like.

Marry somebody you like.

Try to do a job you like.

Never turn down an opportunity to shout, 'F*** them all!' at the top of your voice.

Avoid bigots of all descriptions.

Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old ... look forward to it.

Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.

Avoid people who say they know the answer and keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11 a.m., start one.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swearwords.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six '######'s in it.

Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.

Don't be talked into wearing a uniform and salute nobody.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Campaign against blue Smarties.

Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: 'It's good to be alive!'. "

[tourleadersi]

URGENT MESSAGE TO ADMIN: Please correct the spelling of this great man's name in the title.

Yeah, sorry to the Big Yin. I was having a bad moment when I typed it. I went back to try and edit the title but couldn't. Oh the shame of it.......

[johnh101]

Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: 'It's good to be alive!'. "

Ain't that the truth.

[smartecosse]

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh........

i can taste the slice an tattie now

an the haggis an egg an all

Edited June 30, 2006 by smartecosse

[Jockstar]

Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: 'It's good to be alive!'.

Ahh!! Square Sausage!! Must have square sausage(said in a Homer accent.)

[Artisan]

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh........

i can taste the slice an tattie now

an the haggis an egg an all

....an' dinna fergit the neeps an aw!.........an' the square sausage in a sair hon......an' the deep fried Scotch pie....an' the fish supper.

[penzman]

URGENT MESSAGE TO ADMIN: Please correct the spelling of this great man's name in the title.

Yeah, sorry to the Big Yin. I was having a bad moment when I typed it. I went back to try and edit the title but couldn't. Oh the shame of it.......

Corrected Billy's name.

I saw him years go at the National Arts Centre in Ottawa, Canada. <deleted>' hilaaarious he was.

One of his jokes I remember was about some place in Scotland he mentioned where it's so windy, the only way to take a pi5s is by lying on your back.

[John_Betong]

Hi Penzman,

>>> Corrected Billy's name.

Thankyou.

Whenever I think of Billy it reminds me of 'The Jobbie Weecha', his first trip on an aeroplane. Absolutely hilarious.

Cheers,

John_Betong