Up to you

[THssii]

So ive been together with my thai girlfriend over 2 years already and one thing that is annoying and confusing is that almost everything I ask is up to me, but certainy isnt. I ask if she wants to go to movies, up to me, if I usk if she wants to go eat some pizza again up to me. But when we arrive to the pizza restaurant she seems annoyed, like she didnt want to go there at all, but how should I know if she never tell if she wants to do something or not. Now we are planning to get married and move to my home country, when I ask if shes sure about all of these big changes, because I am and dont want to make her to do something that she doesnt want, its all up to me again, it buts me wonder if she is very indifferend and "up to you" usually means "no" or "i dont care", just a way to refuse something without causing anyone to lose face? Getting maried or not getting married is up to me. I understand that some woman cant make decisions, so they want man to make them for her, but is ithe case here? Sex is also up to me. If I adk if she enjoys some spesific sex, she tells me that if I enjoy then she also enjoys it, if I ask if she wants some sex then its up to me.

Edited September 21, 2014 by THssii

[Thongkorn]

So because she does not care. been there done that.

[Jingthing]

You are planning to get married?

[CharlieH]

Troll response removed.

[Soutpeel]

if I usk if she wants to go eat wome pizza again up to me. But when we arrive to the pizza restaurant she seems annoyed, like she didnt want to go there, but how ahould I know if she never tell if she wants to do something.

you have answered you own question... "up to you"

I would say this, when you asked her to marry you and if she said "up to you" then I would be seriously re-thinking the marrige offer....

Edited September 21, 2014 by Soutpeel

[JOC]

You are planning to get married?

Up to him!!

[mrtoad]

Up to you

[ThaidDown]

'Up to you' has (in my limited experience) nothing to do with indifference or do not want to do something.

I've found it means 'I know what I think we should do, I'm not telling you but you had better come up with the same thing or you will have a miserable time.'

[AnotherOneAmerican]

She is your property, you are her owner.

Your job is to tell her where you want to go and what you want to do.

Her job to go along with whatever you decide.

After two years, you should know what she likes.

And plan accordingly, without asking her opinion.

After reading the sex bit,

Sounds like she doesn't actually like you all that much and is just after the enhanced lifestyle you bring.

Edited September 21, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[choochoo]

Why do so many want to marry the deFECtive thai girl?

[mrtoad]

'Up to you' has (in my limited experience) nothing to do with indifference or do not want to do something.

I've found it means 'I know what I think we should do, I'm not telling you but you had better come up with the same thing or you will have a miserable time.'

Spot on, and also a lot of giveaways will be in the tone that it is spoken in.

[Jingthing]

Why do so many want to marry the deFECtive thai girl?

"God" doesn't make mistakes.

But she does make bad marriages!

[THssii]

Yes I'm now seriosly reconsidering about getting married, she feels indifferent up to the point that it hurts. Or is the "up to you" answer common in thai culture? Seem I've been too stupid to end this relationship in the beginning. Its been emotionally taxing, but Ive started to feel disconnected from her already, I guess she only cared about my money.

And the biggest negative aspect is that about 1 year ago I met chinesse girl who really seemed to be into me and I felt good chemistry between us, but I didnt do anything about it, because I was disillusioned that this thai girl really loves me, now its too late.

Edited September 21, 2014 by THssii

[willyumiii]

It was explained to me once long ago that it really means " do what you want to do and I will learn about you by what you decide to do"

For what it is worth.....

[sipi]

It literally means that it is "up to you". How can 3 words be so confusing?

The problem is that we "Westerners" aren't used to being told "up to you" from our controlling girlfriends. They like to rule every aspect of our lives.

Look at the question. "Darl, should I wear a blue or white shirt?"..."Up to you"

"Pizza?" ..."Up to you"

My Thai wife of 9 years still says it. And then I look at the question. "Hey Honey, should I take a dump before we catch the bus?"

And guess what the answer is? "It is your butt. up to you......"

[silomplaya]

dont take her home someone younger , with more more money , and better looks will snap her up as soon as you turn your head.

[Jingthing]

It was explained to me once long ago that it really means " do what you want to do and I will learn about you by what you decide to do"

For what it is worth.....

passive aggressive innit

[choochoo]

Yes Im now reconsidering about getting married, she feels infifferend up to the point that it. Or is the "up to you" answer common in thai culture? Seem ive been too stupid to end this relationship in the beginning. Its been emotionally taxing, but Ive started to feel disconnected from her already, I guess she only cared about my money.

How much money? hahahaha!

Wow we might have actually save d a guy from a dOOmed marriage.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Yes Im now reconsidering about getting married, she feels infifferend up to the point that it. Or is the "up to you" answer common in thai culture? Seem ive been too stupid to end this relationship in the beginning. Its been emotionally taxing, but Ive started to feel disconnected from her already, I guess she only cared about my money.

Now you're getting it!

[THssii]

Yes Im now reconsidering about getting married, she feels infifferend up to the point that it. Or is the "up to you" answer common in thai culture? Seem ive been too stupid to end this relationship in the beginning. Its been emotionally taxing, but Ive started to feel disconnected from her already, I guess she only cared about my money.

Now you're getting it!

I've been gettin it for a long time already, but have not accepted it but rather have put it as a cultural difference or that Im asberger who dosent understand people (this is actual case), just waiting for clear message, but you can't expect that from face saving culture. Edited September 21, 2014 by THssii

[Thongkorn]

Yes Im now reconsidering about getting married, she feels infifferend up to the point that it. Or is the "up to you" answer common in thai culture? Seem ive been too stupid to end this relationship in the beginning. Its been emotionally taxing, but Ive started to feel disconnected from her already, I guess she only cared about my money.

Now you're getting it!

Just because you marry a Thai girl, it does not give you more security, just more money to pay out and more mind games.

[JOC]

Yes I'm now seriosly reconsidering about getting married, she feels indifferent up to the point that it hurts. Or is the "up to you" answer common in thai culture? Seem I've been too stupid to end this relationship in the beginning. Its been emotionally taxing, but Ive started to feel disconnected from her already, I guess she only cared about my money.

And the biggest negative aspect is that about 1 year ago I met chinesse girl who really seemed to be into me and I felt good chemistry between us, but I didnt do anything about it, because I was disillusioned that this thai girl really loves me, now its too late.

That has to be a new record, even for Thaivisa. From the OP 15 minutes ago, where you were considered getting married, a few posts later you are reconsidering!!

She is not interested!! Which is lucky for you, if you act accordingly!!

[CharlieH]

POST REMOVED

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[Costas2008]

So the OP must be a really happy man.

Whatever he wants it's being done whatever she wants it's up to you if t will be done.

Millions of husbands will be envying you and you are complaining?

Why can't I be as lucky as you?

Whatever I want has to be approved by the boss whatever she wants It's done without even asking.

[Gringogazzer]

Yes Im now reconsidering about getting married, she feels infifferend up to the point that it. Or is the "up to you" answer common in thai culture? Seem ive been too stupid to end this relationship in the beginning. Its been emotionally taxing, but Ive started to feel disconnected from her already, I guess she only cared about my money.

How much money? hahahaha!

Wow we might have actually save d a guy from a dOOmed marriage.

Short recess, check back in 2 more years...

[55Jay]

Up to you usually means they aren't too keen on the idea.

I would offer more, as others will I'm sure, but frankly you've already decided on what sounds like the correct course of action for this one.

Edit add - meaning scrapping the marriage idea. I would also draw the line there and expect a "yes" or at least a "no". Maybe just a grunt. You can kick a pig and get that much.

Edited September 21, 2014 by 55Jay

[Cypress Hill]

She is your property, you are her owner.

Your job is to tell her where you want to go and what you want to do.

Her job to go along with whatever you decide.

After two years, you should know what she likes.

And plan accordingly, without asking her opinion.

After reading the sex bit,

Sounds like she doesn't actually like you all that much and is just after the enhanced lifestyle you bring.

First paragraph = Bullshit

Second/third paragraph = Bullseye

The problem is that we "Westerners" aren't used to being told "up to you" from our controlling girlfriends. They like to rule every aspect of our lives.

Controlling girlfriends?

I always thought the chief complaint was their borderline obesity.

[Crossy]

When my wife of 10 years (plus a few of being together) says 'up to you' it means 'absolutely no way will I be speaking to you if you do this' , sometimes a good way of getting peace and quiet

Of course if nookie is on the cards then ......

I love her to bits, but even so, just occasionally, silent treatment, one day I'll find out why

[AnotherOneAmerican]

First paragraph = Bullshit

Second/third paragraph = Bullseye

2 our of 3 ain't bad!

(Meatloaf)

Edited September 21, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[THssii]

I've tried to discuss with her about this situation many times. I've been telling her that I often feels that she's totally indifferent about our future, because she likes to talk about house and restaurant she wants to have one day, but when I try to talk about getting married and moving here she just says kha and keeps quiet. Ofter she starts to cry and tells me how can I say something like that? She says that she always have loved me, so why I still feel like that.

Also there have been many occasions when she have lied to me, one day I asked her to take selfie and send it to me, she said no proble, and then she sent the same photo which she took and sent me day before (I just gave money to buy a new mobile), it was just took from different angle, but I noticed it immediately, then I asked her why she sent me old photo, but she insisted that she just minute a ago she took that photo. My mind was racing why she lies something like this, and was sure that she was hiding something, She didnt want to show me where she actually was, because she told me that shes been working whole day. So finally I got her to admit that yes she took that photo day before, Then she started to cry and told me that she didnt yet know how to take photos so she sent the photo which her friend took yesterday, because she was too ashamed to ask her co-workers to show how to take photo with her new phone, So in the end she made me feel bad, because I made her to lie to me. But when I asked her to open camera conversation she tried to stay in dark places so I wouldnt see her, but I was that she was wearing new clothing and had all yer yewerly on, like she was shopping, not working.

And before this occasion before going back to work in Phuket, she told me that she went look for a work from Hua Hin, something like selling food or cloth washing but finally would go to wok in massage parlor, which dosent sell sex. So for over a month I was beliving she was working in Hua Hin, and she sent me lots of photos, and little by little I noticed that the place she was working at reminded me one of her earlier workplace in Phuket. And I made some backround work with Google Earth and indeed it was clear that she was working in Phuket all a long, even that she tried to hide it from the phots by taking them inside the parlor. So after a having long conversation over phone with her, she constantly insisted that she was in Hua Hin, even tho' I hinted her that even if she was working in Phuket I wouldnt mind it, as long she didnt lie to me, because in the past two years I've told her several times that no matter what, we always have to speak the truth, I would forgive her if she just was sincere with me, Finally she was angry and asked who told me, and finally ended up in crying and told me that she lied because she didnt want me to get hurt or get woried, because before she went back to her home village, I told her that I didnt like Phuket and its not good working place for woman like her.

And now the most recent case that made me finally accept the truth. About three weeks ago she asked if it was ok her to go work in Bangkok as fabric seller, but finally telling me that she found only work as a janitor in massage parlor. But from photos I saw that she was wearing minishorts and sexyshirt, just the type that sex massage parlor workes to wear. And this tiome I got really angry, adn again she started to cry. and i was stupid enough to believer her that these were her sleepign wearing and there was noone in parlor at the time, etc.

After reading all of this, you must think the most stupid man on the earth. And yes thats true, but you must understand the manipulation she has been using. She always made it look like she is good buddhist and never would do anything that causes pain to others, every buddhist sabbath she went to temple to listen teaching, she told me she was mediating and reading buddhist books. So I was believing her, because I was in the illusion that no thai would lie something like, use buddhism to lie other people. And she constantly told me no to think too much, because Im always overreacting and I should forget the past, that she has changed her. She cried many times that "she tries to do the best, but I still dosent trust her" "she in completely different person now", and so on. She was very convincing and every time she cried she made me feel very bad, made me feel that I'm the one doing wrong and causing her great pain by accusing her for many things. She is very good lier and knows how to manipulate people without the victim ever noticing it. She always makes it look like she is the victim and she have had very hard life, playing mind games that I just think too much, that I should stop thinking about the many warning signs.

Ive knows this for 2 years, but she has been very good making me feel emotionally dependent on her and every time there has been some problems I've made myself to forget and believe that Im just overthinking and beeing paranoid. She always cried that she respects me and made me feel that actually Ive been causing her to lie, but she always have been controlled me, made me think that im controlling her not otherwise.

But now Im emotionally exhausted, yesterday I told her that I stop supportig her, because it seems she gets enough money from her job. And after this she hinted me between the lines that tghen she have to start selling her again and stop the relationship with me, because she is so busy nowon. Yes ive been sending her money, because she made me believe that she send all the money to her sister that takes care of her son. What kind of mother doesnt even want to stay with her son, even when I gave her the change by sending enough money so she wouldnt need to work?

Ive been total idiot, I know, I've finally accepted the truth and now I try to get rid of her. But in the back of my mind I have deep worry that maybe she really tells me the truth, maybe im just overthinking, like she always have told me, and Im making the biggest mistake in my life by dumbing her. Its sick how succefully she have played games with my mind up to the point that Im doubting my sanity, that Im actually the sick person here who can trust anyone and doesnt understand thai culture.

Sorry for typos, as my keyboard dosent work as it should,

Edited September 21, 2014 by THssii