Our House And My Home - Gdmit!

[SNGLIFE]

Just had a little spat with the Mrs. sparked from a simple comment she made about how I have to sit next to her and smell that stinky diarrhea scented sauce stuff because "[she] is from Isaan and that is what Isaan people eat".

In the span of 5 seconds a reality check of the entire past few years flashed in my mind. How I consistently smiled and (without complaining) ate all manner of bugs, mystery stew/meat, and gobs of sticky rice (as her bumpkin family repeatedly dug their grubby - usually unwashed - hands in it) because I (with emphasis) am in Thailand, she is Thai, and this what I need to do if I want to respect her culture.

Well, gdmit, it finally hit me that although we (wife, daughter, her brother, her cousin) were eating in our house (MY home, as it were), nobody had EVER - NO NOT ONCE - thought "Hey, I am his wife" or "Hey, I am a guest" and should eat what he eats while I am in this home. I can't count the times when I, out of respect for my hosts, sucked it up and ate whatever with a smile and without complaint.

It would be unthinkable for me to tell my host "Thank you for inviting me, but that chicken's (or fish's) eyeballs staring back at me is not good enough/disgusting!", refuse to eat their food, and then tell them to go and fix me some American food "because this stuff is nasty". But, in a manner of speaking, here they were sitting at our table in MY home telling me essentially just that! Am supposed to continue to suck it up in my own home???

No more! If I can show enough courtesy toward my host or wife to eat what I am served, then the freeloading live-in brother and the visiting think-we-are-a-hotel cousin, and yes my we-are-Isaan-people wife should show the same courtesy and eat what I eat without complaint - and I'll be dmd if I would allow anyone to dig their grubby hands/fingernails all in the BBQ sauce! And the fact that we have been together for so many years and she STILL serves Thai food and MY food seperately (often not even at the same time) and hasn't bothered to learn to make anything decently beyond french toast and American breakfast shows a complete disregard for my culture and needs. The fact that she still refuses to eat "nasty" American food (unless there is absolutely nothing else to eat) has always been very offensive, but I sucked it up.

Well, we talked about it and I gave this example: If my mother invited us to an American dinner she prepared, and my wife/her brother/her cousin refused to eat, would that be disrespectful? How disrespectful would it be if they then told my mother to fix a special plate of Thai food or they wouldn't eat? Well that is exactly what I have been dealing with in my own home for too gdm long now. I agreed to continue to (less frequently) eat Thai, but everybody eats American when I eat American or they can take a permanent hike.

Any other Ex-Pats come across this issue, yet? How did you handle it? Thanks.

Edited July 19, 2006 by SNGLIFE

[donx]

I don't eat what my wife's family eats when I'm in Thailand. For example, I don't eat chicken, pork, or beef but I will eat all types of seafood. They have no problem with this at all. I often have my wife fix American food (tuna salad sandwiches, grilled cheese sandwiches, etc.) for me to eat. I don't expect them to eat my food nor do they expect me to eat their food.

I don't know if this helps you or not, but this is how it is for us. We eat what we want and don't eat what we don't want to eat. By the way, my mother-in-law can't eat spicy food and my father-in-law can't eat certain types of rice.

[Totster]

Why are you making rules about what people should eat..??

If you want American food.. cook some... simple

Jasus.. some people make life so hard..

totster

[thaibebop]

Why are you making rules about what people should eat..??

I don't he is, Tots. His wife refuses to cook American food period and from what I gather tells him to eat the food that everyone else is eating or go hungry. I guess he could cook it myself, if he can cook. But then I wonder what his wofe would say or the rest of the family. I don't the issue is just what he has to eat, it's being forced to do what you don't want to do on the one place where you need to do what you want to do.

I know when my in-laws visit my home is no longer that, "my home"! They muck about and do things that I would rather they not do and then complain about our home.

I think this is what the OP is getting at. That and I think he feels there is a clear double standard.

[Totster]

Why are you making rules about what people should eat..??

I don't he is, Tots. His wife refuses to cook American food period and from what I gather tells him to eat the food that everyone else is eating or go hungry. I guess he could cook it myself, if he can cook. But then I wonder what his wofe would say or the rest of the family. I don't the issue is just what he has to eat, it's being forced to do what you don't want to do on the one place where you need to do what you want to do.

I know when my in-laws visit my home is no longer that, "my home"! They muck about and do things that I would rather they not do and then complain about our home.

I think this is what the OP is getting at. That and I think he feels there is a clear double standard.

Well.. no.. he said..

how I have to sit next to her and smell that stinky diarrhea scented sauce

Nothing about him having to eat it or go hungry

He also goes on to say..

And the fact that we have been together for so many years and she STILL serves Thai food and MY food seperately (often not even at the same time) and hasn't bothered to learn to make anything decently beyond french toast and American breakfast

So.. she does cook for him.. she even cooks seperate meals for him to eat because he doesn't like what everyone else likes...

Like I said before.. nothing stopping the OP from cooking something up himself seeing as his wife (yes wife, not maid) does such a poor job.

totster

[thaibebop]

Oh, I agree with you Tots. I would say that the best thing he can do is learn how to cook for himself. I also think that that would further seperate him and the others, thus making him the farang in the house everyone ignores. I have had that happen to me, it's not fun.

[Jai Dee]

I used to cook "falung food" for myself, until the missus decided she could do it better...

All she did was watch intently as I prepared my meals, and take mental notes.

No complaints at all now... arroy mak mak!!!

And she usually sits down with me to eat it too.

Occasionally, she will cook her own "Isaan food" and eat it with the maid before I get home, but that's OK by me.

[Totster]

Oh, I agree with you Tots. I would say that the best thing he can do is learn how to cook for himself. I also think that that would further seperate him and the others, thus making him the farang in the house everyone ignores. I have had that happen to me, it's not fun.

There's nothing stopping them from eating at the same time.. just different foods..

Intergration is something he'll have to work on... and also his wife maybe... if it is becoming apparent that he is being ignored/seperated... but I can't imagine this would happen just because he is eating different food from the rest, Thai's understand farang can't always eat the same as them, even to the point that they worry if a farang does (in my experience)...

totster

[GuestHouse]

The time too deal with this is from Day one, years down the line you're not going to change anything.

As a general rule all the alarms should start ringing if 'Thai Culture' and offending 'Thai Culture' becomes anything beyond a passing issue.

Too often it's used as a means of drawing a line.

You could come back with some Thai Culture of your own - ie, mention 'The Middle Way'.

[kayo]

get take out.. microwavable.

Nobody is going, can go chinese or pizza, or thai, can be eaten when you want it. Infact, through out all your wifes posts and pans, tear out the entire kitchen, turn it into a smoking room or a tukrkish bath, or whatever, and say, "From this moment forth, each and every one of us shall buy our food independantly, eat whenever you want. Pay for your own phonecalls. "

[sbk]

It would be unthinkable for me to tell my host "Thank you for inviting me, but that chicken's (or fish's) eyeballs staring back at me is not good enough/disgusting!", refuse to eat their food, and then tell them to go and fix me some American food "because this stuff is nasty". But, in a manner of speaking, here they were sitting at our table in MY home telling me essentially just that! Am supposed to continue to suck it up in my own home???

No more! If I can show enough courtesy toward my host or wife to eat what I am served, then the freeloading live-in brother and the visiting think-we-are-a-hotel cousin, and yes my we-are-Isaan-people wife should show the same courtesy and eat what I eat without complaint -

Well, we talked about it and I gave this example: If my mother invited us to an American dinner she prepared, and my wife/her brother/her cousin refused to eat, would that be disrespectful? How disrespectful would it be if they then told my mother to fix a special plate of Thai food or they wouldn't eat? Well that is exactly what I have been dealing with in my own home for too gdm long now.

Actually, for me, these are the salient points of his argument. His wife and inlaws have so little respect for him or his culture as to make disparaging remarks about his food. My Thai husband has said to me that he has little respect for Thais in a relationship with farangs that won't even go so far as to try the food, he feels that shows a lack of interest and respect in the farang spouse and their home.

As for the freeloading relatives making comments about your food just smile sweetly and tell them if they don't like it they can go home

My in laws all enjoy my cooking (extended family included) and have always had an open enough mind to try anything, they may not like it but they at least give me the courtesy of trying.

And this, I think, is the main issue: courtesy or lack thereof.

[mr_hippo]

In our house, there is no Thai culture, no British culture only our culture which is a happy mix of both

[LoveDaBlues]

Your first mistake was to "suck it up" and eat the Issan food you don't like. One of my wife's favorite foods is boiled crickets (but only if they're fresh!). I refuse to eat such stuff.

On the front end I made it clear that I eat 'farang' food and not Issan. I will eat a few Thai dishes that I like. When we travel to the wife's village I take an ice chest filled with stuff I can eat. Simple.

My wife has learned to cook some farang foods I like. Every morning she serves me coffee in bed while I watch the news. While I drink my coffee she cooks breakfast (omlette, bacon, toast, potatoes, oj, etc.) and then serves this to me in bed.... .....what a way to start the day.

IMHO.....sounds like you're being 'run over' by the Thai family. Get firm. If they don't like it trade her in for a new (younger ) model. Plenty of Issan ladies (and their families) who will show you more respect. My wife's family has a laugh when I turn down the Issan food but it's good-natured and I just eat my farang food and laugh with them.

Your wife's family lives with you?????? I made it clear that my wife's family is always welcome to visit (and they have) our home but they CANNOT live here. Living with the extended Thai family is a recipe for disaster......sometimes it works but often there is an IMPLOSION.

LDB

[Boo]

I never eat anything I don't want, hubby will go to the local shop & by me kho moo glob or khao moo deng if I don't want to eat what his mum has prepared. They know I don't mean it offensivly it's just that I like to eat what I like to eat & don't want to eat what I dont' want to eat. This changes daily too, sometimes I don't want the soup that is avaibale but will eat it the following day. Is just how I feel at that time.

Sometimes the smell of their food makes my stomach turn but I just sit a bit further from ther bowl. Often I do eat the same as them but certain things I just can't as they look or smell too gross. Sometimes I just fancy somethign different so will make an egg sandwich instead.

Many times I have cooked farang food & they have all tried it but then invite half the neighbourhood to try as well so we end up having a mix of farang food & thai add ons to fill out the meal, as I cooked enough for 6 & now there is 20 people eating. But everyone tries a bit at least & I have no problem if they say they dont' like it as I don't like some of theirs either.

It's all in fun & at least everyone is attempting different things. But one thing is noticable though, the youngest kids will always eat what I cook & love it, regardless of what the adults say. I think it's because they want to make me happy but also cause they have no pre conceived idea about what tastes they like yet?

[sbk]

Its funny how things work out, isn't it? I had just read this post then gone to do the grocery shopping with my huband. While at the market met this Thai lady who was amazed at my Thai and when I mentioned I had been here for 17 years she said her farang husband had been in Thailand for 30 and not only couldn't speak Thai but refused to eat Thai food.

Well, I was a bit flabbergasted at that. She was clearly unhappy about it, so obviously feeling does run both ways.

[Chang_paarp]

The Aussies have a marvelous product called Vegemite. Parmisan or a good blue cheese could work too. Pick a food.

If you want to explain to the family what you are trying to say, go make a bunch of Vegemite sandwiches and hand them out. They all turn their noses up at it. Then say for me this food is like vegemite to you.

When you are getting grief, get out the jar of vegemite. I have had a lot of success avoiding durian this way. Make sure they understand it is because your tastes are different not because you are better or worse as a person. If they are so insular that they cannot accept that you are not compfortable, it may be time to have a serious talk with your teruk.

The my house my rules edict can end in tears.

Edited July 21, 2006 by Chang_paarp

[samran]

The Aussies have a marvelous product called Vegemite. Parmisan or a good blue cheese could work too. Pick a food.

A decent lamb roast tends to get them running for cover. Can't stand the smell.

[Khun Jean]

Or an indian curry. Guaranteed to make them run.

Edited July 21, 2006 by Khun Jean

[Thaipwriter]

"How much $ do you give your wife?"

I am proud to say that WE don't have arguements over money or family problems

What a difference a week can make.

[samran]

Or an indian curry. Guaranteed to make them run.

If either didn't work on their own, and Indian Lamb curry would sure to make them run a mile. Do they have Indian restuarants up in the sticks?

[TizMe]

The Aussies have a marvelous product called Vegemite.

Mrs Tiz tried my vegemite and liked it. She now occassionally adds it to some of her recipes for extra flavour.

[simon43]

I found very smelly danish blue cheese to work wonders when there are any 'one-sided' discussions about 'you are in LoS, so you must do what Thai people do etc'.

I do many things that Thai people do, but I would also like some reciprocation. That doesn't happen (never!). So I start to eat blue cheese (love it) and insist that everyone else in the room eats some as well. The smell is usally enough to empty the house:)

Simon

[a2396]

I guess a key factor to me is how often are these house visits? Once every couple of months OK. More than that would get old. The problem is their attitude, which often is - if its yours, its theirs too, ie your house. Of course, the house may belong to your wife and this strength to their thinking. As for the food, I have been in Thialand 2 years and usually only eat western food in a restaurant. My lovely can't cook any (western food), and is not interested in any case. Overall, I find Thai food better, as long as it is not firehouse hot.

[A. BOOZER]

Or an indian curry. Guaranteed to make them run.

If either didn't work on their own, and Indian Lamb curry would sure to make them run a mile. Do they have Indian restuarants up in the sticks?

Well my wife loves lamb, and simply adores Indian food! Cheese is something that she turns her nose up at, unless it is on a pizza. She does thoroughly enjoy a full English breakfast, with black pudding and sauteed spuds - when she cooks a breakfast, I am good for nothing for the rest of the day, apart from snoring!

I eat Thai food, and will eat most dishes that she serves up, but if she has cooked something that I don't enjoy, I tell her and she will always happily, produce something else.

It has always been clearly understood that I have no more objection to her family visiting, than my own, and I don't want anyone else living with us on a permanent basis.