My Thai wife just had a meltdown

[NancyL]

Well, after the last few posts, I hope the OP realizes he can simply ignore all the "advice" given to him by "AnotherOneAmerican" It seems he's aiming for the misogynist of the year award on Thai Visa -- which has some stiff competition. As an American, it even pains me to type his screen name.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Well, after the last few posts, I hope the OP realizes he can simply ignore all the "advice" given to him by "AnotherOneAmerican" It seems he's aiming for the misogynist of the year award on Thai Visa -- which has some stiff competition. As an American, it even pains me to type his screen name.

The ignore function is easy enough to use.

And I never knowingly associate with wife beaters.

[Liquorice]

Naam, on 15 Nov 2014 - 16:41, said:

AnotherOneAmerican, on 15 Nov 2014 - 14:10, said:

Naam, on 15 Nov 2014 - 14:08, said:

Faz, on 15 Nov 2014 - 12:08, said:

The problem with joint bank accounts is that Immigration don't accept them as proof of funds.

Funds for extensions must be in the applicants name only.

If it is your intention to leave your Thai banking assets to your wife, then leave a Will to this effect. Even then she will have to go through Court to get those funds released to her.

incorrect information! last february we had our 11th extension based on our joint account.

Yes, but you're both aliens.

why should a Farang/Thai couple be treated less favourable?

Why does a foreign man married to a Thai women have to prove supporting funds, but a foreign woman married to a Thai man doesn't.

That's Thailand for you Naam

The information is correct.

[rayongchelsea]

A thread like this makes me so sad, not because of the OP’s problem but the majority of guys posting here. It seems to me that most guys here are not married or have a girlfriend, they have a live in housekeeper with benefits. When you are married it is a cooperation and both parties pitch in best they can. If you want a stay at home wife then it is your obligation to support her both now but also save up for your retirement. What most of you guys are saying is stop her access to YOUR money but it cant only be YOUR money when you want the stay at home wife you have to share it. I’m not saying that you should be a fool and give her all the money in your account. But you need to support her need also the needs that might not be food and a place to live.

Regarding the OP’s problem we have no idea of how long she has been saving, but if she done so the last 5 years she set aside 2150 baht / 67 USD a month and that is not exactly a huge amount.

She is in simple terms being dishonest. Nothing to do with whose money it is. Why the need to hide it!

Can't see how putting it in a wardrobe is sharing it!

Saving!! Please read the ops post.

[Beetlejuice]

Sounds like you are after a pet (albeit partly educated), and not a partner in life. That's fine, but there is little real trust in such arrangements, as opposed to marriage, which is normally viewed as an equal partnership.

Marriage is only seen as a equal partnership in a few Christian communities, which are not the majority of the world.

Jewish, Eastern Orthodox, Catholic, Mormon, Amish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist all view the man as the important one (to varying degrees) and the woman as inferior (if not property). That includes China who mostly have no religion.

Always surprised that so many of white anglo saxon protestant descent still think their way is the right and only way.

You are in the minority.

That`s strange, because my father was Catholic and my mother Jewish. All through their married lives they had a relationship based on equal terms. If my Dad would have considered Mum as inferior, his personal property and tried the old, I am the man about the house, you do what I say and know your place routine, then my mother would have beaten him to a pulp. When it came down to the nitty gritty, Mum mostly always had the last say in matters and my Dad loved her even more for it, although if we ever did get on the wrong side of Dad, we were warned to watch out.

Perhaps the way you describe how wives are considered by different religions are only the facts as you know them, because you came from a dysfunctional family?

[CharlieH]

Posts removed

7) You will respect fellow members and post in a civil manner. No personal attacks, hateful or insulting towards other members, (flaming) Stalking of members on either the forum or via PM will not be allowed.

[Jungle Jim]

Some, you mean a few.

And you don`t think that this thread also highlights the lack of confidence, flaws and non-empathetic characters of these used and abused farang boyfriends and husbands, the long and suffering, who blame everyone closest to them for their own failures to hack it here in Thailand other than themselves?

I think you are being a little unfair to many foreigners in Thailand who are mostly decent guys looking for love.

And some, don't hang out in bars with hookers all the time (Eg. Number 1 bar).

[harryfrompattaya]

I am very sorry for the husband, but This is Thailand and marriages do not function here the same way as they do in the west. Here's an option for the OP which I've not seen mentioned. Based on the fact that she stashed the cash instead of spending/gambling it, she's not a bad lady, just a normal Thai wife.

Everything depends on how much you love her and how much you want the family to stay together. All the cowards will advise running away, but a loving husband and father will just not do that. Assuming you decide that this is an asian marriage and you don't actually fully understand the mentality behind that maybe you can consider this. If your marriage and family is worth more to you than the cash - then put the cash back where she had stashed it, don't confront her again about it because she already knows she has been caught. Sort out your bank so that you don't have a joint account with all the money in it. Pay her account every month the usual housekeeping plus a bit. You've decided that you love her more than you love that money - so let that show without talking about the money. Get insurances for her and you (and kid(s)) for life/accident with highlighted clauses of non-payment in the event of foul play. Keep close track of your own money, but pay her each month and as long as the house is running along ok, no need to talk about her money.

Let her get her face back -- it'll take time, but if you decide that you love her more than the money - you'll do it.

I've been chatting with a few Thai couples and they see nothing wrong in what she's done. She had access to money and saved for her future. The fault lies with the farang for making her lose face.

Forget about her face they use it to get what they want. So if I have so much face you should give into me always?

[Naam]

My Thai wife and I have joint bank accounts, both in Thailand and abroad. The family home is in the names of our children and if I die before my wife she will be secure financially for the remainder of her life, my pensions, savings and so on, no problems as I have provided and planned our futures carefully, plus all OUR monies and assets would be easily accessible to her on the event of my death. None of my savings, income and assets is kept private from my family.

My wife and I are well aware of our monthly budgets. We spend per month what we can afford, my wife never has and still does not withdraw any monies from OUR accounts exceeding our budgets and has never and never will have to account to me for her spending, she has full access to all our banking accounts. She knows the score as well as I do and both of us use common sense when it comes to spending.

The majority of the money and income has been provided by me, except the home and land that was inherited from her grandparents prior to our marriage that I expanded and refurbished later on, and this is totally irrelevant in the scheme of things, as I regard what is mine is also my family`s, this is what I have legally and honestly worked for all my life, because once I go, I will not be able to take it with me, but rather to be passed on to my children and future generations, this is what married life`s all about.

The couples that fail to comprehend what I have mentioned above must educate themselves and bring some organisation into their married lives, working towards the prosperity of their families using common sense and reason. If not able to archive this and there is always going to be a basic lack of trust between the parties, than there can be no hope for a marriage based on that type of relationship and situation.

Manly100, this is the best advice you will ever receive, heed it carefully and start working towards a positive goal in your life, it`s up to you.

[poweratradio]

OP does not say how much was in the wad <snip>

You are correct ... the OP doesn't.

But, if you took the time to read a little deeper, he did take the time to reply to question.

Just saying like ...

Ah gee my humble apologies to you Mr. scrutineer but I would have had to read 9 (nine) pages looking for answers to this troll post and all its following BS Save me the time oh wise one surveyor of the inane.

Actually, if you had taken the time to read the 1^st page ... the OP replied with the info there ... http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/776430-my-thai-wife-just-had-a-meltdown/#entry8669579

Just saying like ...

You are so kind. I am humbled under your foot oh great wise one. Thank you for teaching such a valuable lesson in reading of these BS comics.

[poweratradio]

To the OP manly100 ... 'a large wad of cash'.

Just what is the sum or quantum of the money are we talking about?

The one she showed me was 70'000 baht and the one I found was 60'000 baht.

She now says the money is for her business that she wants to open, (a coffee shop) She said she needs to save money as I had told her we didn't have money (about 400'000 baht) for her to start a business at the moment.

I have to say see seems to suffer from severe financial insecurities (perceived) Is there a cure for this?

In would seem that you are not in any kind of control of your own finances to only discover this amount and this point in the movement of it out of your account. Perhaps your 8 year wife has valid reasons for moving this money to her nests due to the fact you are the one out of control.

Care to elaborate to the TV members here a little about your self and what may have motivated your wife of 8 years to circumvent the trust of this 8 year marriage IE heavy drinker, gone more than there, fits of rage and or suspected infidelity????

[ThomasHOL]

She is in simple terms being dishonest. Nothing to do with whose money it is. Why the need to hide it!

Can't see how putting it in a wardrobe is sharing it!

Saving!! Please read the ops post.

First of all I thing you should try to read my post again. then you might realize that there the first part of my post is about the guys here firmly stating that it is their money, all of it. So when I say sharing it is towards all parts of the relationship and in my book the stay at home wife deserve a part of the pay as she handles all the things at home. If she didn't do that her husband might not be able to do his job as he would then have to get home and pick up the kids, do some shopping etc. So it is the woman that enables him to dedicate to the job and bring home the big money. So to me it is fair that she also get a part of the money not just the scraps.

Regarding the wardrobe if you have money laying around at home you would put them a safe place also.

[mrtoad]

No one ever controls MY money. No one will ever have access to MY bank accounts either. Sorry, if it sounds harsh, have a joint account no problem, but remember that if you do then that is shared money. Limit your exposure if you go that route. It doesn't make no difference, 8 days, 8 months or 8 years.

[mitsubishi]

for me only one of 2 decisions to be made:

1. Walk away right now

2. forgive her for this "oversight" on the understanding one more step out of line your walking and as of now she has no access to the money anymore, your handing the cash out for everything

"She proceeded to go thermo-nuclear" this is common reaction when people are caught out lying and cheating, I surprised she didn't blame you, ie she had to steal money, because you don't give her enough money

if in 2. she goes thermo nuclear again because you now holding the purse strings, it will be time to walk..and maybe accept the long game was being played here.

There's no 'maybe' about it mate, the long-game was and is played all the time in LoS, you've at least got someone here who caught it in time before it could go off in his face!

There's only one thing left to do and that's for the farang to man up and cut his losses while the going is good!

[mitsubishi]

Sounds like you are after a pet (albeit partly educated), and not a partner in life. That's fine, but there is little real trust in such arrangements, as opposed to marriage, which is normally viewed as an equal partnership.

Marriage is only seen as a equal partnership in a few Christian communities, which are not the majority of the world.

Jewish, Eastern Orthodox, Catholic, Mormon, Amish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist all view the man as the important one (to varying degrees) and the woman as inferior (if not property). That includes China who mostly have no religion.

Always surprised that so many of white anglo saxon protestant descent still think their way is the right and only way.

You are in the minority.

That`s strange, because my father was Catholic and my mother Jewish. All through their married lives they had a relationship based on equal terms. If my Dad would have considered Mum as inferior, his personal property and tried the old, I am the man about the house, you do what I say and know your place routine, then my mother would have beaten him to a pulp. When it came down to the nitty gritty, Mum mostly always had the last say in matters and my Dad loved her even more for it, although if we ever did get on the wrong side of Dad, we were warned to watch out.

It's not strange at all, Jewish woman almost-always run the show in the household, the men (Jew or otherwise) have to tow the line or there's a firestorm every night.

Smashing a wife about isn't right either, but the woman has to know that the man is the man and can't be brow-beaten or hen-pecked like he's under her etc. The household must always have the man in charge of the masculine, the lady takes care of the feminine.

Before Christianity made women all over-subserviant that's how it rolled in Europe folks.

[mitsubishi]

I had a girlfriend we terminated last November ,but not because of money,but because of my uncertainty to stay in Thailand ,because of my discomfort about many things about the country ,and the people .We are still good relations ,and If i have any trouble ,she will always be there to lend a hand ,i know.

But i will tell you something . This person was and is the most integral human being i have ever met. She would go out of her way to save us money , and would give you the shirt off her back if you needed it.

Never did she ever do any of the things your wife has been doing with you !

I could give her complete trust at all times , she never changed. A person with such integrity, honesty, and generosity , with an excellent intelligent mind hard to find in this world. Never a lie of any kind . Just a good person all around .

Not a common woman ,and also not pleased by the thinking or behaviors of her own people all around .

A real Thai, but a real outsider at the same time .She was well informed about the dirty Politics of her country, and how corrupted they really are.

This should give you enough food for thought to let you decide what to do next . Good luck

Many Thai women are like that and considered wonderful females to have known their acquaintance ...but .......for some reason a notable percent of them do not remain that way after they get married and the years go by.

I have personally known several men who married Thai women just because they were excited, "enthralled" because their Thai women was such a sweetheart and worthy of being married too.

Several years later and after 1 or 2 children the marriage turned into the "wife from hell"...surprise, surprise...while the guy himself, by way of all and or any standards would be considered to be a great guy and not a lout or sleaze ball in any way...rather a right stand up guy, so to speak....but the wife went all mental and destroyed a perfectly good marriage.

Too many of them are like ticking time bombs...and you never know until you are right there in the thick of things.

Just saying....not criticising

I've found that to be the case even more so if they have been in Europe for several years! Some of them are beyond mental reasoning and loopy. I think exposing some of these women to a lot of wealth sends them off-the-charts, they can't handle it! It isn't just the poor isaan types either it's Thai women across the board! LOL

[Beetlejuice]

Sounds like you are after a pet (albeit partly educated), and not a partner in life. That's fine, but there is little real trust in such arrangements, as opposed to marriage, which is normally viewed as an equal partnership.

Marriage is only seen as a equal partnership in a few Christian communities, which are not the majority of the world.

Jewish, Eastern Orthodox, Catholic, Mormon, Amish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist all view the man as the important one (to varying degrees) and the woman as inferior (if not property). That includes China who mostly have no religion.

Always surprised that so many of white anglo saxon protestant descent still think their way is the right and only way.

You are in the minority.

That`s strange, because my father was Catholic and my mother Jewish. All through their married lives they had a relationship based on equal terms. If my Dad would have considered Mum as inferior, his personal property and tried the old, I am the man about the house, you do what I say and know your place routine, then my mother would have beaten him to a pulp. When it came down to the nitty gritty, Mum mostly always had the last say in matters and my Dad loved her even more for it, although if we ever did get on the wrong side of Dad, we were warned to watch out.

It's not strange at all, Jewish woman almost-always run the show in the household, the men (Jew or otherwise) have to tow the line or there's a firestorm every night.

Smashing a wife about isn't right either, but the woman has to know that the man is the man and can't be brow-beaten or hen-pecked like he's under her etc. The household must always have the man in charge of the masculine, the lady takes care of the feminine.

Before Christianity made women all over-subserviant that's how it rolled in Europe folks.

Total crap and ignorance. You are assuming that people of certain races and religions all have the same traits and exhibit the same sorts of behaviours.

This is why those with your antiquated and misguided beliefs regarding how the separate roles of men and women should be played in society like to become involved with Thai women, in the hope of obtaining a partner who is desperate from a poor background and in gratitude for giving them financial security, should become some sort of subservient sweet little Thai princess housewife who`s life ambition is to please her man and know her place within the family unit. Well, sorry, but those times have long gone as most Thai women these days have stepped into the twenty first century and expect equality within their marital homes as do their western counterparts. No longer can husbands hold all the purse-strings and be the ultimate rulers of the home.

In reality many of the farangs that plonk themselves in Thailand are suffering from acute personality and character abnormalities, those who would not be considered desirable or tolerated by women in their own countries, the guys that probably have similar warped perceptions of how certain people of certain persuasions behave and how each of the two sexes should behave. And this is why so many male farangs fall foul of the fairer sex here in Thailand, when their situations turn out to be the exact opposite as to what they were expecting and their browbeat attitudes come right back and smack them in the face.

You are living under a great misapprehension as to how certain people behave and what should be peoples roles in society.

[balo]

If you're rich and stupid and dont mind your wife loves you just because of the money , go ahead , let it continue.

If you're not rich , run away .

[KonaRain]

Relax, it was hardly hidden..in the closet.

I agree about the cultural differences.Take care..a balancing act with children.

A meltdown..no more..better than hitting you and calling the cops about the fight.

Be kind to her..'lifelong relationships' are not easy..good luck..hang in there!

Aloha

[kevin2852]

Hi again,

I think that this has been one of the best threads I have ever seen here, Op appears to have gotten over his shock and, although he says that it will colour his thinking, I believe that too will pass, just as his wife's loss of face will pass. At home, it is kind of popular to think of marriage as lasting forever and being based on the same rules and Thailand is so totally different.

The people who say that, tend to forget that the laws are changing all over the world and men in the US have gone bankrupt selling enough to pay for the settlement of a 4 years marriage. In America over 60% of first marriages last less than 4 years, in Australia it is 3 1/2 years and in England it is 5 years. Before you spend too long looking under the doormat, remember why you left home in the first place and look at the situations of your old friends. I have done this and believe me, it aint pretty...!

My congratulations to Op, he has had a shock and has recovered admirably, he and his wife have both learned lessons but, to my mind, the most important lessons are those that will have been learned by his little girl. Perhaps she will be the one who carries what she now knows on to the next generation. Civilisation is Social, Political and Economic growth and change is inevitable. Learning to cope with change is simply doing your part.

[manly100]

Hi again,

I think that this has been one of the best threads I have ever seen here, Op appears to have gotten over his shock and, although he says that it will colour his thinking, I believe that too will pass, just as his wife's loss of face will pass. At home, it is kind of popular to think of marriage as lasting forever and being based on the same rules and Thailand is so totally different.

The people who say that, tend to forget that the laws are changing all over the world and men in the US have gone bankrupt selling enough to pay for the settlement of a 4 years marriage. In America over 60% of first marriages last less than 4 years, in Australia it is 3 1/2 years and in England it is 5 years. Before you spend too long looking under the doormat, remember why you left home in the first place and look at the situations of your old friends. I have done this and believe me, it aint pretty...!

My congratulations to Op, he has had a shock and has recovered admirably, he and his wife have both learned lessons but, to my mind, the most important lessons are those that will have been learned by his little girl. Perhaps she will be the one who carries what she now knows on to the next generation. Civilisation is Social, Political and Economic growth and change is inevitable. Learning to cope with change is simply doing your part.

Another thoughtful comment. Thanks Kevin.

[Straight8]

I have worked with many thai women, non - Malays in malaysia, Hong Kong and Philippino women all educated, hard workers.

In all cultures some had secret savings just Incase for a " rainy day" yet none seemed in particularly bad marriages. I have a lot admiration for asian women who work, educated or otherwise, but it's their money.

Too many thai women marry foreigners and then think it is a meal ticket, have a kid..this is the brutality of it, especially if they have been previously married.

It's plain stealing, if she is desperate to open a coffee shop, get a job and let her save her salary and you contribute something to that fund.

This idea that it's not worth her working because she will only make 9000 or 10000 baht a month is a nonsense arguement. It's about self worth, self achievement etc..

You have kids -the extended family can help there, so she can achieve her goal.

8 years isn't long, it's if you stay for the next 10 that is.

But the marriage is doomed of this there is no doubt. Leaving the marriage is a different issue, but as a functioning healthy marriage it's a non starter.

People have given some well meaning advice but this is thailand.

Spot on, but you nailed when you say "Too many thai women marry foreigners and then think it is a meal ticket, have a kid..this is the brutality of it, especially if they have been previously married"

The same does not apply for Thai to Thai marrage.

If anyone thinks we are loved, treated and respected the same way they would to a thai partner hasn't woken up from a fantasy slumbler.

This is blatant theft and would have gone on and on. Luckily you intercepted it when u did before the money was divided and all her immediate family got excited!!!

[Straight8]

Is 130,000 baht saved up for a rainy day worth ending the marriage? I could see if she has blown through a few million baht gambling than giving you a shady story, but 130K sitting in your house isn't quite the same. You do balance your accounts at the end of every month right?

I bet by the time the OP finishes his investigation it will amount to a lot more.

[farang000999]

OP you said you are sad that you can't buy a house together but you previously asked for advice on renting out your townhouse.

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/topic/719038-how-to-rent-out-our-townhouse-in-patong/#entry7691780

???

[farang000999]

I have worked with many thai women, non - Malays in malaysia, Hong Kong and Philippino women all educated, hard workers.

In all cultures some had secret savings just Incase for a " rainy day" yet none seemed in particularly bad marriages. I have a lot admiration for asian women who work, educated or otherwise, but it's their money.

Too many thai women marry foreigners and then think it is a meal ticket, have a kid..this is the brutality of it, especially if they have been previously married.

It's plain stealing, if she is desperate to open a coffee shop, get a job and let her save her salary and you contribute something to that fund.

This idea that it's not worth her working because she will only make 9000 or 10000 baht a month is a nonsense arguement. It's about self worth, self achievement etc..

You have kids -the extended family can help there, so she can achieve her goal.

8 years isn't long, it's if you stay for the next 10 that is.

But the marriage is doomed of this there is no doubt. Leaving the marriage is a different issue, but as a functioning healthy marriage it's a non starter.

People have given some well meaning advice but this is thailand.

Spot on, but you nailed when you say "Too many thai women marry foreigners and then think it is a meal ticket, have a kid..this is the brutality of it, especially if they have been previously married"

The same does not apply for Thai to Thai marrage.

If anyone thinks we are loved, treated and respected the same way they would to a thai partner hasn't woken up from a fantasy slumbler.

This is blatant theft and would have gone on and on. Luckily you intercepted it when u did before the money was divided and all her immediate family got excited!!!

Theft is a legal word.

They are married.

This wasn't theft.

Don't get married if you don't want your wife to legally have the right to withdraw your money...

[rayongchelsea]

You can use semantics all you like.

But it is akin to theft..and whichever way you slice and dice it, there was no communication, no intention of telling the op, a different agenda, a level of disrespect and above all a complete betrayal of trust.

" Shared" money not to be shared....

[Daniel Boon]

If you're rich and stupid and dont mind your wife loves you just because of the money , go ahead , let it continue.

If you're not rich , run away .

Dear balo and others of his ilk ...

I am an honest man with myself and I will tell you all (and sundry) ... I had much conflict within myself before finally marrying a Thai woman half my age; I don't give a rat's arse for yours or anyone else's opinions and input ... but I tell you what it has done for me ...

I deduced I had outlived my usefulness and had largely given up on life (I've done a lot and lived several lifetimes in my life) but my Thai wife gave me a purpose, her purpose ... my 4 kids are big enough and smart enough to look after themselves ... so for me to help look after her daughter and parents, I now have a meaning and purpose; I don't send $20 off a month to feed some starving kid somewhere (who only gets - if they are lucky - $1 of that $20) and think I am doing good and I am too selfish to give my remaining life to a orphanage like some absolutely brave and far better people than I do ...

But strangely, it helped reintroduce me to my siblings (one I hadn't seen for 26 years) and my nieces (for company for my daughter when she comes to OZ).

I know it makes my Wife uncomfortable sometimes when I thank her for being in my life ...

So when I learn my MIL has just started cutting rice (she is in her late 50's) for $10 a day, it makes me think of how my contributions help overall ... and I don't mind sharing my Wife's purpose in life ... I am less bitter and less likely to beat the shit out of someone who desperately needs it (in my dissatisfied world).

So live Your Life as you choose .... some of you posting opened my eyes to looking at it from my Wife's perspective ... Thank You.

There are men who act like they think men should, and there are those who have empathy, real men ... I seek to me in your group

I want to teach a sustainability subject in Thailand (processes in motion of introduction from Australian university to one in Surin) and help Thais become more self sufficient and water smart ...

[Liquorice]

rayongchelsea, on 16 Nov 2014 - 09:41, said:

You can use semantics all you like.

But it is akin to theft..and whichever way you slice and dice it, there was no communication, no intention of telling the op, a different agenda, a level of disrespect and above all a complete betrayal of trust.

" Shared" money not to be shared....

You have no idea what her intentions were?

What if in a couple of years time the OP had a serious accident or medical condition that incurred a sudden large medical bill.

Up pops the wife with the hidden savings to pay the bills.

Would you call her a 'thief' then, or a 'saint'

Even in the west I know a lot of wives who secretly siphon money from the budget to save for a rainy day.

Usually because women are more shrewd with money than men.

[David48]

You are so kind. <snip>. Thank you for teaching such a valuable lesson <snip>

Mate ... you are welcome ...

.

[rayongchelsea]

Why don't they discuss such circumstances, as medical fund etc.."don't need to "steal".

If you read an earlier post I am agreeing with in terms of women having an emergency fund.As I have said I have worked with many who do so in Asia. Unsurprisingly it is money they have worked for and value!

Anyway it was for a coffee shop..not even discussed..why because it was probably an excuse.

Plus the amounts are not insignificant in terms of this couples wealth.

And I can almost guarantee you if the wife is acting like this, come an emergency this bundle of stolen goodies isn't going just going miraculously appear....

She needs to contribute financially to obtain her own goals..