my thai brother in law keeps touching me

[bbabythai]

I got married last year and we now have a baby and very happy in that regard.

Since initially meeting her family all was good until I met the older protective brother. From the start I felt that he didnt like me. The first time we had dinner with him he was a little rude to be honest. His behaviour took me by surprise

Im in early 40's and hes aged early 30's. He is the eldest in his family and is immature and extremely over confident. He's got quite an aggressive dominant / controlling personality. Despite having limited life experiences he often tries to give us advice...

At my wedding things were stressful for him as he organised a lot of stuff for us. At one point he tried to order me around and I wouldn't indulge him. Very soon after he grabbed me strongly on my arm and I pulled away. Later I strongly tapped him on his shoulder to show him that I would not tolerate this.

Afterwards I told my wife about this and said it better not happen again. I got the usual 'you think too much'

Fast forward to our baby being born and the day we arrived back at the house (from the hospital) and he grabbed my arm again. Not as strong as before but strong enough. I was pissed off and the day after we called him back to our house as I had to have words. I was calm to begin with and then late got a bit angry telling him he had better remember not to do it again. His mother saw this and it was a bit awkward. I wanted him to know that I mean business with regards to this issue.

On Sunday we were at the wifes parents house for the sonkran ritual and he was walking behind me close and he lightly touched my arm again. It wasn't srong or anything. Shortly after we were in a group photo and he was standing next to me and he was kind of a bit touchy feely. It was a group family photo and harmless enough I suppose. The point is that this guy knows I dont want him touching me but he continues to invade my space.

The other brother is completely normal and friendly and has never come near me. We get along real well and have a laugh together. I feel that the weird one is playing mind games.

We are down at the coast right now and the wifes parents are joining us for a few days at our resort tomorrow. I feel its time to raise this issue with her father as he is the leader of the family. He needs to talk to his son and set him straight. Im not afraid to speak to 'little brother' myself again but its proven that this will not help.

Would you agree that I should have polite words with the old man? When I speak to him I need to point out that if it continues in the future I will have to get help from an old respected friend of theirs (one of their respected neighbours) that has lived in my country before. They will not like the 'gossip factor' and thus will hopefully tell little brother to stop the games once and for all.

I feel that my wife takes the side of her brother and even yesterday said to me that I think too much.

Thanks for your opinion on this issue

[canman]

Sometimes you have to fight childish rude behaviour with like tactics. i would make a point of touching him back on the head, sitting with your feet pointing at him etc. you know all those silly little things that he may find offensive

[robblok]

The first issue.. your right.. but after that only light touches.. get over it.

[gerry123]

the bunch of fives brigade will be along later !!!

[Nick167]

Me thinks he has a crush on you if he likes touching you often. Is he cute....if he is ...just go with the flow.....you are lucky....you the sister and the brother.....stop complaining and just explore and enjoy it. Not everyone is as lucky as you...and mind you in your 40s and having a younger guy that is not a money/rent boy, having the hots for you.....thank your lucky stars. Bi is the new trend.

Lol! Lol! Lol! Ha ha ha

[kannot]

Smack him in the face hard ...............I doubt hell come near you again.

[CharlieH]

MOVED to Family & Children

[nottocus]

You tink too mut farang

[Costas2008]

OP, are you British by any chance?

You are the ones that don't want to be touched......in case you loose your virginity.

Touching another person shows affection and care.

Try to loosen up a little and treat your BIL the same way.

He is trying to come near you, to become your friend.

You are the one that pushes him away.

Your wife has more brains, I think............

[zeichen]

Sounds like one of you is clearly insane and should head back to his own country. Wild guess who that is?

Touching is a part of Thai culture. You admitted that your brother did a lot for you and then you were rude to him. My guess is that your wife is right, you are over analyzing this. Accept him or ruin your entire family relations. Everyone in the family including your wife will side with the brother and not you. Your mother in law now sees you as an aggressive and rude person. You insulted her son, you need to repair this.

[Stradavarius37]

OP is a hypersensitive fella. Lighten up and drop your "personal space" which is a western construct that has no relevance in Thailand.

[seajae]

one of my wifes workers started to touch me at the annual christmas do, even started to punch me which tended to really piss me off, He didnt speak english so I couldnt really explain what I was feeling at the time(not happy jan) but gave him a pretty dirty look, didnt help, I dont mind when they put their hand on your shoulder etc but simply dislike the touching/pinching in various body places. I talked to my wife later about it and she said some thai men simply like to touch/pinch you because you are different. I explained to her that I dont appreciate being man handled by men just to get their jollies and that if he ever did it again I would retaliate which I didnt really want to have to do, it has never happened since. The worker still smiles ans waves but no longer touches me . Talk to your wife, tell her that it really pisses you off and that if it continues to happen you will retaliate, see if you are as lucky as I was, she has to remember she is married with you not him.

Edited April 14, 2015 by seajae

[macksview]

i have had old male family members hold my hand, rest their palm on my legs when sitting next to them, i dont think it is gay foreplay, its more like they are showing respect/acceptance to me, i might be wrong and i am now a gay icon to the over 60s set

[mesquite]

He's not her brother.

[saakura]

I think you are overly sensitive, light touching is just like a handshake here. Or maybe you are homophobic?

[steven100]

OP , please think about this advice ... seriously

OP .... to be fair and honest it sounds like your being a tad arrogant towards this guy. He may be acting this way as thats the way he is and thats it .. I seriously don't think he's trying to annoy you or piss you off.

You told your wife ... ok enough, and now the mother knows ..... and now you want to escalate this and tell her father !!!!!

Are you crazy ? you want to act like you want your own space , so nobody else is a concern to you ? how do you think the family will see you if you tell papa also ??

If you tell the father , your also shaming the brother in-law , and making a fool of yourself at the same time .

You want to destroy the family relationship between everyone ??? because that's what will happen if you keep harping about something as immature as this.

Just forget the issue and keep happiness within the family or your going to screw it all up !!

[slightlychilled]

Thai mentality and psychology is totally different than in the "West". You went ahead and married despite knowing this so now is the time to buckle down and get on with keeping the peace. By marriage you've signed up for life so no wobbling at this first hurdle.

[fey]

this kind of touching is 'dominance behavior'

basically this means he sees you as a threat and needs to reinforce his 'pack position'. with a marraige and new kid all the usual family position status and hiearchy gets mixed up and has to re-settle.

if you keep letting him touch you it will likely extend to other things like how you live, unwanted advice, loan requests etc. but dont get upset, that gives him position or power.

the 'alpha' response would be to firmly insist on no touching like you have been doing. if it continues grabbing his arm in return firmly, not forcefully, may do the trick. you can laugh about it. i would bet he would not like it one bit and future gestures will stop.

or he could get pissed off thinking your angling for alpha position, so it has to be done low key and in a friendly but understood manner.

talking to the father or family friend is a good option since they have good status. i would probably mention it to the friend first before the father. it also reinforces pack position by deferring to the leaders which the brother will respect and feel safe that you asked them about it. he will understand that your not truly trying to become the "alpha male" of the family, at least for now.

[zeichen]

"this kind of touching is 'dominance behavior'

basically this means he sees you as a threat and needs to reinforce his 'pack position'. with a marraige and new kid all the usual family position status and hiearchy gets mixed up and has to re-settle.

if you keep letting him touch you it will likely extend to other things like how you live, unwanted advice, loan requests etc. but dont get upset, that gives him position or power.

the 'alpha' response would be to firmly insist on no touching like you have been doing. if it continues grabbing his arm in return firmly, not forcefully, may do the trick. you can laugh about it. i would bet he would not like it one bit and future gestures will stop.

or he could get pissed off thinking your angling for alpha position, so it has to be done low key and in a friendly but understood manner."

written by someone who obviously knows nothing about Thai culture. First of all your pseudo sociological understanding of Alpha relationships isn't even accurate for western people let alone Thai.

Second of all everything that the OP did and that you did actually are more of how a beta or lower animal would deal with it. Sounds like both of you have inferiority complexes. A real Alpha doesn't actually get into pissing contests or worry about others in his/her space. A real alpha just exists and others fall in line.

Posters like this one and the OP are the real reason why cross cultural marriages have such a bad rap. You clearly don't understand people nor respect other cultural perspectives.

[petermik]

Next time he touches you put your arms round him pull him close and whisper in his ear "ooh I do like you"

[Boo]

I get the impression that you were probably being culturally rude or a bit oafish the first time he grabbed your arm hard and later he is trying to "guide" you by gentle touching now as you reacted so badly the first time. He doesn't want you to lose face again so is trying to be gentler in his handling of you.

My MIL will drag me to where she thinks I need to be or prompts me to do or act someway with a poke or a tap on the arm. Is it annoying? Yes, Do I get all pantsy about it? No. She does it because she thinks she is helping me, I let her think she is helping me to keep peace & because in the grand scheme of things, it is minor.

I'd suggest looking back at your own behavior, were you being the stereotypical oafish farang, doing what you want because that is your right or were you being respectful & sensitive to the situation?

[BKResort]

Sorry to tell you. In any country, in any culture, you married a woman you married her family too. If you have any problem with the family members, sooner or later, you will have problems with your wife too. Ignoring the ones that bothers you, will be better attitude that trying to change theirs. After a while...they will notice your indifference, and will let you alone....if that it is what do you want.

[NickJ]

Your either an alpha or not. An alpha would have nipped it it the bud the second it ticked him off. Its a challenge.....

[Thongkorn]

OP, are you British by any chance?

You are the ones that don't want to be touched......in case you loose your virginity.

Touching another person shows affection and care.

Try to loosen up a little and treat your BIL the same way.

He is trying to come near you, to become your friend.

You are the one that pushes him away.

Your wife has more brains, I think............

whats this British bashing,

If it was me i would turn quickly, making certain i bump into him very had, then say sorry, and keep doing this till he stays clear of you.

[bino]

You have tried being nice about it, and everyone knows it. As mentioned above, you are being challenged for the "alpha" position. If talking to your wife and asking her to talk to him about it doesn't accomplish anything...

Next time it happens, grab his wrist, twist his arm up behind his back, frog-march him up against the wall and yell "NO" in his ear as loud as you can.

[fey]

Your either an alpha or not. An alpha would have nipped it it the bud the second it ticked him off. Its a challenge.....

the op does not want to be alpha, he simply does not like being touched by other men.

in fact, i dont blame him. being touched by other men is not my cup of tea either. especially asian men, just not interested.

i had a former supervisor who liked doing this touchy thing. it was clearly a dominance gesture. its common in the animal kingdon and crosses cultural lines, so uou dont have to put up with it in any culture. he also enjoyed talking 'down' to female staff by standing real close deskside while they were seated wigh his willy right ghere in their face. another unconsious non-verbal cue of dominance. people dont realize they are doing it.

[samsensam]

i'm guessing that you are bankrolling your relationship and possibly your wife's family as well.

you seem to be handing over your money and your control to your wife's family.

dont go crying to your father in law. man up and solve the problem yourself. let the guy know with calm, controlled body language and words when he is out of line. and mean it.

[Fookhaht]

this kind of touching is 'dominance behavior'

basically this means he sees you as a threat and needs to reinforce his 'pack position'. with a marraige and new kid all the usual family position status and hiearchy gets mixed up and has to re-settle.

if you keep letting him touch you it will likely extend to other things like how you live, unwanted advice, loan requests etc. but dont get upset, that gives him position or power.

the 'alpha' response would be to firmly insist on no touching like you have been doing. if it continues grabbing his arm in return firmly, not forcefully, may do the trick. you can laugh about it. i would bet he would not like it one bit and future gestures will stop.

or he could get pissed off thinking your angling for alpha position, so it has to be done low key and in a friendly but understood manner.

talking to the father or family friend is a good option since they have good status. i would probably mention it to the friend first before the father. it also reinforces pack position by deferring to the leaders which the brother will respect and feel safe that you asked them about it. he will understand that your not truly trying to become the "alpha male" of the family, at least for now.

I would discount this animal behavior analysis (what do you think they are, a pack of wolves?), and just brush up on your Thai culture a bit.

The field is cultural anthropology, not animal science.

Edited April 14, 2015 by Fookhaht

[tubby johnson]

Never stand close to an Englishman, they consider that a sexual violation. Each culture has its own 'personal space'. But this is Thailand, where some provincial types like to get a bit touchy feely with each other. So it's adapt and improvise, or suffer.

So you either: Give him a friendly pat on the head and ruffle his hair, with a smile, each time he touches you. He'll stop in no time.

Or: Touch him on the bum and wink at him. Tell him you married the wrong sibling and you and him could be a really passionate item together. Just don't let your wife find out!

[konying]

Sorry for being out of line, but who is the childish one?

Brother touched my hand? is this some kind of a joke?

Has brother hit the OP? no, Has brother said anything bad to OP? no

OP, Grow a pair of balls and either be a man of the family or move aside.

What is wrong with being touched? its not as if brother grabbed your testicles or grabbed you by the neck.

If you too insecure about your sexuality, go try a ladyboy and then a man and see what you feel.