Which is harder, being married or being a parent?

[Your Thainess]

I never thought I'd say this, but I find being a dad a breeze compared to being married. I thought children would make my life more complicated but the opposite has proven true, in my case. Marriage is almost a burden and I'm married to a driven woman with education, street smarts and determination. The big hang-up always revolves around money (and not in the stereotypical Thai-foreign) way. I'm not fed up with being married, but what a surprise it has been, things turning out this way. Hopefully, some balance is going to eventually materialize. For the record, I am 36 and she is 35.

Thoughts appreciated

[Morakot]

Not that unusual. Questions around how to manage one's finances tend to be a contentious issues in many marriages. It is often related to different underlying assumptions about what is considered valuable or worthwhile. The challenge is how to reconcile these normal differences in meaningful and mutually compromising ways.

[Longtooth]

Once you have kids, being married and having kids go hand in leash.

[Jackie66]

I agree with this and feel the same way. I often think being a single father would be much easier and less stressful.

[ExpatOilWorker]

Just marry a young girl, then you can be a father for both her and the child.

[ronthai]

Being Gay is harder, with all the bigotry going around in the world.

[razer]

Sitting on the horns of a dilemma.

[maidee]

your child is your blood and know since birth

the woman you married , can any man or woman that are not her parents , even come close to think they understand her ?

she was a stranger for the bigger part of your life ..

you marry with the pink / rose glasses on ... after a few months / years, the real person is what you come to see

[connda]

Kids can be a handful, especially at certain points in their development (terrible twos, rebellious teenagers pushing the edges as they experiment with independence as they prepare to move on to a life of their own), but overall they are easier to be around and manage. Marriage? To keep it together can be a lot of work. It can have some major ups and major downs. Some people are lucky and have a marriage partner who is very similar in temperament and ideals as themselves, but then some of us aren't quite as lucky - and marriage can become work, or heart-breaking (divorce ain't fun, especially when you've trusted your wife for well over a decade just to fine that she one day decides the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and the 2000 sq ft 4 bedroom house, two car garage, new cars, and plenty of toys just isn't enough - the ex just needed to have "More, more, more".. Now after divorce and remarriage, her new soul-mate got himself fired from his high-paying job and is and has been a house-sitter and recluse while the ex-wife brings in the bacon, as they are well under-water on the mortgage of the custom built home that the ex just had to have. Ain't karma fun).

Now remarriage to a Thai, the current wife decided to have a gik a few years back, I told her to practice safe sex, and let me know when she gets bored. Lol. That lasted until it didn't. Fast-forward a couple of years and her health becomes an issue and suddenly she 'needy'. Yeah marriage is work, it can be a rocky climb up a steep mountain, but at the end of the day I'd rather be married to my wife than single. It has it's peaks and valleys. I've downsized my life (I was never the collector of "more stuff") and I'm happy with less stuff and less complications. Life is simpler. Karma, Life...it's just the way it is. Fight it and it's a fight; Find some acceptance, and it can be fine.

Edited September 30, 2015 by connda

[connda]

I agree with this and feel the same way. I often think being a single father would be much easier and less stressful.

I was a single father with sole custody of my daughter. In retrospect, it was much easier. The real fun started after I got remarried.

Edited September 30, 2015 by connda

[Iquot70]

Though I'm technically not married (no papers, I mean), I live with the same young woman since now 11 years and we have three daughters.

I agree that is simpler to be a father than an husband, but only to a certain extent. All depends on the strength of your relationship and the degree of maturity of both of you. My partner is 10 years younger than me, nevertheless she's a responsible adult and we definitely share the same vision on many subjects, from child education to the very meaning of life!

But... Same problem... When it comes about money we do experience those rare moments of fight. She's stubborn, I'm stubborn, she has her priorities on money spending, so do I.

Although as a foreigner my income is much higher than hers, she also contribute in the family finance and not in a small part.

After all this years I reached the conclusion that, at least in my relationship, the best way to avoid this sort of confrontation is to set common priorities, to simplify:

1) Set a budget for all the expenses which are in common, such as schooling for the children, food and other commodities for the whole family, rent, car, etc...

2) Set a minimum budget for your and her personal expenses, such as an evening out with your/her friends, your toys, her bags and shoes, etc...

3) Both of you must share, proportionally to your income to the expenses in point 1

4) Whatever remains, goes to the point 2, possibly in a way that both of you have a similar budget for your personal expenses.

I know that our toys (we're foreigners...) might be quite expensive, but in the end, peace at home is truly a priceless commodity. I gave up many of my habits to make our relationship work, but I'm not blind enough, to see that she also renounces to a great deal of things for the very same purpose. I trust that talking things out with her, talking freely about money is the key to fix all your troubles.

[MauiSteveBKK]

I doubt this will help --- but it helped me with a 20yr marriage raising a son.

What's Important?

About twice a year over my son's first 20 years, I would get the wife and son together for a sit-down:

"What is important to you?"

Each of us would say what was important (and not important)in their life.

It changes through the years. You need to hear it .. they need to hear you.

Be open and explicit. Honest. Ask questions. Listen.

Get on the same page.

Communicate. Over - Communicate.

EX. My son was about 12. His Mother said: "I just want you to keep your room clean."

My son said: "Is that all?" His Mother said: "Yes.

My son said: "I got it." And went on his way.

( Their relationship got a bit better."

My Thai Wife has now been in the USA six months. She's 49 and from Nong Khai.

What is important to her now ... is totally different than what was important to her in

Bangkok, when we stayed in her condo.

Life changes. Perceptions change. Priorities change.

Just wait till you turn 60. I believe more changes in yourself occur from 50-60 than all

the other time frames combined. We evolve. We change.

Best wishes to you.

[Time Traveller]

From my experience being married with no children is easier than being married with one child and a nanny, which is easier than being married with one child and no nanny, which is easier than being married with 2 children, which is easier than being married with 3 children..

Who knows, maybe having 4 children is easier?

Everything is relative.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Time Traveller

[akentryan]

That's like the question "Which is more painful, giving birth for a woman or a man getting kicked in the balls?" A good answer is "I have often heard a woman say I think I'd like to have another baby". I have never heard a man say "I think I'd like another kick in the nuts". Being married and being a parent are both options that are difficult and vary widely over time. You will always be a parent. You do not have to married.

[1FinickyOne]

You are only 1/2 of each equation… Most of us have had more than one relationship, but your children are your children forever… they come into this world dependent. And they are here because you brought them here - you owe them more than a spouse and most of us recognize that…

Having a good spouse will help you be a better parent -

[kerrysum]

Being Gay is harder, with all the bigotry going around in the world.

So what does gay have to do with it? If you want a cocksucker then marry one.....Just my opinion.... Personally I am so tired of the Gay Agenda...... Get over it!

[NickJ]

A lot of guys have what I like to call.........Daughterwifes, when you do the math a lot of us qualify.

For me being a physician and a hypochondriac I think stress of being a parent is way more. This not just being Thailand. Internet content , saftey in general.

[smotherb]

Just marry a young girl, then you can be a father for both her and the child.

You can properly train a young one--provided she has potential. The older ones are usually set in their ways and far too often have unwanted baggage.

[thailanddogerator]

Being married and having kids, why not just suicide ? It would be less painful !

[MockingJay]

Harder is to read the TV forum day by day...

[cyberfarang]

In Thailand it`s about money.

After a while marriage can become monotonous and it does the man good to stray off once in a while for some temporary stimulation somewhere else. But unfortunately, there are many of us who can`t afford this luxury, options are limited.

[Wasima]

Nice topic . You can divorce from your spouse, but not from your kids... and my belief is that if you teach your kids from a very young age to distinguish right from wrong and the consequences their decisions and actions will have, then your job is done... well, almost done anyway...

[MaeJoMTB]

Nice topic . You can divorce from your spouse, but not from your kids... and my belief is that if you teach your kids from a very young age to distinguish right from wrong and the consequences their decisions and actions will have, then your job is done... well, almost done anyway...

Not true,

I was divorced from a wife and 4 kids. Never saw any of them ever again (implacable hostility).

Statistically about 50% of the children of divorced couples in western countries never see their father again.

(Definition of 'not seeing again' was given as less than once a year)

Edited September 30, 2015 by MaeJoMTB

[thehelmsman]

Nice topic . You can divorce from your spouse, but not from your kids... and my belief is that if you teach your kids from a very young age to distinguish right from wrong and the consequences their decisions and actions will have, then your job is done... well, almost done anyway...

Not true,

I was divorced from a wife and 4 kids. Never saw any of them them again (implacable hostility).

Statistically about 50% of the children of divorced couples in western countries never see their father again.

(Definition of 'not seeing again' was given as less than once a year)

How does divorcing the wife = never seeing the kids again. Could't fathom such a situation.

[aronp1]

My Thai Wife has now been in the USA six months. She's 49 and from Nong Khai.

What is important to her now ... is totally different than what was important to her in

Bangkok, when we stayed in her condo.

So you've corrupted her? Moved her to the toilet bowl of the world, great!

Anyway back to the question. Being a parent is harder, hence you have more responsibility.

[mankondang]

With all the young guys and gals enjoying one night unprotected sex. It's possible, as is common in Thailand with old guys marring a young lady, that your wife and daughter could be one and the same. Therefore the OP applies to both equally. With such a small gene pool, this may account for some of the bizzar posts here.

[mankondang]

With all the young guys and gals enjoying one night unprotected sex. It's possible, as is common in Thailand with old guys marring a young lady, that your wife and daughter could be one and the same. Therefore the OP applies to both equally. With such a small gene pool, this may account for some of the bizzar posts here.

[farangmick]

Being married. Simply because my wife is a woman, (never got into this same-sex marriage stuff). Steven Hawking may be able to understand the universe, but I defy him to understand women. Having said that, my sons are only seven and five. Post again in ten years or so. If elder son has turned up with a pregnant girlfriend and her family demanding a big farang sinsot, I might have changed my mind.

[fitzcaraldo]

Having Kids is the harder thing in the World, and it is à job for ever nowadays . The most rewarding thing as well

[farangmick]

Being Gay is harder, with all the bigotry going around in the world.

Damn site easier for you now. I was a copper from the 70's on, and I well remember the attitude we all had towards gays. Largely self inflicted though, making public toilets in parks a no go area for straights. The world has moved on, attitudes changed, and if one of my sons turned out to be gay, I'd still love him the same.

Anyway, Thailand seems pretty tolerant of different sexuality compared to other countries I've been to.