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chickenslegs

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Everything posted by chickenslegs

  1. chickenslegs
    They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim? My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.” I took saxophone lessons for six months. Until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? RIP Tommy Cooper.
  2. chickenslegs
    There was a surprise frost this morning and I didn't have a tool to scrape ice of my windscreen. I had to use my supermarket loyalty card. Only got 5% off.
  3. chickenslegs
    Aviculturists have bred a messenger pigeon crossed with a woodpecker. Not only does it deliver a message, it knocks the door when it gets there.
  4. chickenslegs
    I bought a Christmas jumper made of polyester, but it keeps picking up static electricity. So I’m going to take it back to the shop and get it exchanged for another one - free of charge…
  5. chickenslegs
    Apparently it takes up to 12 sheep to make a Christmas jumper. I didn’t even know that sheep could knit.
  6. chickenslegs
    My friend worked in a circus as a human cannonball act. When he retired they never replaced him - they couldn’t find anyone else of the same calibre.
  7. chickenslegs
    I lost my job for giving up my seat on the bus for a pregnant lady. Apparently you’re not supposed to do that when you’re the driver.
  8. chickenslegs
    Curry
  9. chickenslegs
    Don't invite me to your place on Christmas Eve.
  10. chickenslegs
    This morning at 6.00am I was rudely awakened by a voice shouting “It’s time to get up, my precious.” It was my new Tolkein alarm clock. That reminds me about an old friend of mine who kept changing the sound that his alarm clock made. I wonder what he’s getting up to now?
  11. chickenslegs
    An actor friend of mine just got a part in the Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs panto. But it wasn’t the part he wanted. He isn’t happy.
  12. chickenslegs
    There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, a hole. Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry, Then mend it, dear Henry, dear Henry, mend it. Etcetera ...
  13. chickenslegs
    Crusader
  14. chickenslegs
    On the other hand the odds of winning the Thai jackpot are 1 in 1,000,000 but the odds of a jackpot in the Euromillions are 1 in 139,838,160 (nearly 140 times lower).
  15. chickenslegs
  16. chickenslegs
    Sirocco
  17. chickenslegs
    Christmas cracker jokes Q: What music do they play in Santa's workshop? A: Wrap. Q: How do elves respond when Santa takes attendance? A: “Present!” Q: What is Santa’s primary language? A: North Polish.
  18. chickenslegs
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  21. chickenslegs
    Let's keep it light ...
  22. chickenslegs
    Jeanette
  23. chickenslegs
    Gatling (gun)
  24. chickenslegs
    I went to a journalist friend’s house for dinner and he’d put stickers over his ketchup and mustard bottles. Apparently he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.
  25. chickenslegs
    I've been trying to lose weight recently, with some success. Yesterday I went for a long walk along the Blackpool promenade and lost lost 300 calories. A seagull stole my Mars bar.

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