chickenslegs

Heads

If this photo is correct, the grip is barely 5cm long (2 inches). Maybe it was specially made for the child to carry into the next life.

Batman

I am 66 and have been receiving my state pension for less than 1 year. I was sent a proof of life cert a few months ago.

That's a very good point. All the debts that are incurred during the marriage will be the responsibility of both the divorcing spouses in Thailand. https://www.thaiembassy.com/family/divorce-in-thailand

Suicide

Pelé

Jazz

Now you're just confusing the Europeans.

A guy goes into a shop and orders some Irish sausage. Shopkeeper says: "Oh, you must be Irish." Guy said, "Come on, man. You think because I order Irish sausage I'm Irish. What if somebody came in here and ordered French toast? Would you think he was French? What if somebody came in here and ordered a Belgian waffle? Would you consider that guy a Belgian? If a guy came in and ordered a German bratwurst, would you consider that fellow to be a German. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that just because I come in and order Irish sausage you assume that I'm Irish. Why would you do that?'' And the shopkeeper says: "Well, first of all it's a hardware store." (adapted from an old Norm Macdonald joke - RIP Norm)

Alan: "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?" Dad: "Because your mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter." Alan: ...

Note for Europeans: A dozen is 12.

Ryan

Scram

Borrowed from the ISIHAC archives - Featured prizes: An ideal gift for a favourite uncle who’s concerned about his wife’s security - an electronically coded Aunty theft device. A perfect labour saving kitchen device for every Arctic rodent enthusiast - an automatic Lemming squeezer. Sure to delight every Gazelle enthusiast who hates his pets going astray - it’s this stamped addressed Antelope.

Wouldn't that require rubber gloves and lube?

No radiator on a Beetle

Demijohns

Definitely the easiest option - but also one of the most expensive.

I decided to buy one of the new high-speed Stannah stairlifts. Apparently, they're guaranteed get you to the top of the stairs before you forget what you went up for.

Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative. What’s the best part of old age? That it doesn’t last very long. Which underwear brand do seniors love best? It Depends. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold. A woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?” What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays? Retired.

I caught my wife going through the neighbour’s bins... She's not nosey, she’s just terrible at parking!

I hadn't seen my neighbour put out his bin for a while. One day I saw him in the garden and asked him: "Where’s your bin?" He said: "I've been on holiday." I said: "No, where’s your wheelie bin?" He said: "Ok, I’ve really been in prison."

Plenty og OMO in Thailand