ballpoint

I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall. I said " that must have been a big bull" The barman " That bull killed my grandfather" I said " Was he a bullfighter? " He said " No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him! "

Last time I went to a nightclub, I got turned away by the bouncers. They said I'd had "a few too many". I said, "I've only had 3 pints", but one of them replied, "birthdays pal, birthdays..."

Ever played silent tennis? It’s like normal tennis, but without the racket.

Police are investigating why the plaque on the wall outside the Colgate head office keeps disappearing.

I went to my eye test today. Optician said : "I want you to look into this machinery and tell me what you see.." I replied: "I see a geezer eating a bat, pubs closed and people wearing masks " 'Fantastic '..he says 'you've got 2020 vision '

My doctor told me I'm paranoid... I wonder who else he's told?

I keep getting nuisance text's on my mobile phone. The most frequent one is 'You said you were leaving the pub three hours ago'

When we go on holiday my wife has to take a suitcase just for her knickers. God knows what we'd do if she took two pairs.

I've just started resistance training at the gym. So far this week I've resisted training four times!

The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.

Colonel Mustard. In the living room. With the door handle. Next.

Did you know if you said Mama Mia! in Italy it's an exclamation, but if you say it in Yorkshire it means "I'm home".

I asked my hairdresser if she has ever given a henna rinse? She said "no, but I've given a duck a bath."

I got home last night and my wife shouted "There is bright red lipstick all over your collar! Where's that from?" "I don't know" I replied, "But I'm seeing her again tonight so I'll ask her."

My neighbour Sid was a miserable chap. Sadly though, he’d been ill for some time. Fearing that his end was near, he called his wife to his bedside. "I have one last wish”, he said to her. "Promise me that 2 months after I die, you'll marry our neighbour, Ken". His wife was perplexed. "But, my dear, I thought you hated Ken", she asks him. "I do", said Sid.

TRAFFIC ALERT....A truck carrying incontinence pants has spilled its load on the M62... Police are warning of long delays due to rubberknickers.

My wife bought me a ceramic Rubik Cube, but I soon cracked that.

IKEA have sponsored our local primary school. Now assembly takes ages.

My wife just slipped and dislocated her jaw, and now she can't talk. I'd better phone the doctor and ask him to drop round anytime, in the next couple of months...

How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Please send answers on a coastguard.

If the Stork brings good babies, and the Crow brings bad babies, what brings no babies? The Swallow.

If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in? Quick answers please!

My mate said, "I like your sports car." I said, "it's not very practical now we have a baby." He said, "how about I buy it off you?" I said, "Go on then. Three Grand?" He said, "you've got yourself a deal." I said, "Nice one. You're going to make a brilliant dad!!"

Elvis Costello has a new job at the biscuit factory. He's watching the digestives.

My Wife thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted. Oh well, better get back to it I suppose.