ballpoint

The large pane of glass fell out of my front window & smashed, I called a glazier & he replaced it. Two days later the glass fell out again so I called the glazier back. While he was replacing the glass again I asked him why my glass keeps falling out he said “its quite common around here it’s down to an animal going round eating the linseed oil in the bonding that holds the glass in place”, I said “an animal? What kind of animal?” He said “its a cat. A putty cat”

The Government is going to ban kids using Nitrous Oxide to stop Anti-social behaviour. That makes me laugh!

I accidentally paid for my groceries with my library card. My macaroni cheese is due back next Friday.

I asked our local librarian if they had any books on the Titanic she said yes, lots of them. I said well you won't be getting them back will you?

My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position

The Self-Deprecation Society is now accepting new members. I've already put myself down.

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said, ……."Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For goodness sake, give me a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

Still looking for that 10mm socket...

Good as new...

I’ve got a Polish friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too.

My Grandad told me that if I ever get into a proper fight, the best thing to do is put a snooker ball inside a sock. Worst advice ever. I could barely walk let alone run away.

I don't think my girlfriend approves of my schizophrenia medication. Every time I take it, she goes away.