ballpoint

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a harp. My mate told me the costume was too small to be a harp. I said to him “Are you calling me a lyre?”

A pirate came up to me and said that he had lost his crows nest. I said, 'that's your lookout'

I’m just on my way to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan. Awning has broken.

When asked what she thought of Poe's work, Nadine Dorries, the Culture Secretary, stated she prefers Tinky Winky

I am asking everyone to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!! I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!

Almost all serial killers are men. That's because women prefer to kill one man slowly over many many years.

Elon Musk built electric cars and is going to Mars. Why's he even involving himself with Twitter? It'll be like if an English prince gave it all up just to marry an actress from Suits..

A young guy walks into a bar and orders 3 whiskys in quick succession. Curious - the barman asks what's the occasion. "My first BJ" The barman offered the lad a drink on the house to celebrate. "Nah, it's alright" he replied. "If the first 3 don't get rid of the taste, another one won't help".

I just learnt who the patron saint of copying people into emails is:- St Francis of a CC