ballpoint

Need cheering up? Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

Breaking News Today in Las Vegas a man attempted to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists. The police have 3756 photos of him.

For every bloke who fails at life there is usually a woman somewhere with a free house.

Went to the doctor today and told him I was tired all the time and could he give me something. He gave me a 20% off voucher for a new mattress.

The Nepalese government are planning to charge people up to £10,000 to scale Everest. I think it's a bit steep.

My son was baptised Times New Roman. I think the priest used the wrong font.

Gymnasium in ancient Greek means "naked exercise" Try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

You know you're old when...

A lovely woman from the Countryside died. She found herself outside a beautiful garden with splashing fountains and bright flowers; but she was alone and the gate was locked. When St. Peter finally came by, the woman said to him, "This is surely a wonderful place It must be heaven. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," said the saint. "What word might that be?" "Love." said he. Well , she spelled it all right and was admitted through the Gates of Heaven. About a year later, St. Peter asked this woman if she would mind guarding the Gates a short while for him. While she was waiting, her husband arrived. "How've you been?" she asked. "Oh, not bad," he said. "I married the pretty nurse who took care of you, and then I won the lottery. I sold our little cottage and bought a lovely mansion. My wife and I traveled 'round the world. Today I was skiing and broke my neck and...and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word." "What word?" "Czechoslovakia"

Doing some family research, my Great Great Grandfather was on the Titanic. I suppose he still is.

"It's important we remember the true meaning of Easter" says The Archbishop of Cadbury.

Recent Studies Show That Over-Exaggerations Have Gone Up By Ten Billion Percent!

I know it's a long shot -- but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

The first Transgender whale has been found. It's been called Maybe Dick.

It has been said that a thousand monkeys banging on a thousand typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to social media, we know this is not true.

The last time I played darts in the pub, first arrow treble 20, second arrow single 20 and final dart straight through Sister Margaret's eye. I got banned for shouting "One Nun Dead and Eighty!".