ballpoint

Seeing the way some people dress and act in immigration offices, and reading comments about their staff on sites like this, then if I was a Thai immigration officer then damn right I'd have some fun with the applicants.

I like some music from every era, and dislike some music from every era. Good music is good music, no matter when it was made, and conversely, I can think of many bad songs from the 60's and 70's, which some think of as the holy era of music making.

Quasimodo went into a gent's outfitters and asked the manager, "Have you got a suit that will fit me?" The manager replied, "If I do then someone's getting fired!"

Hard times make strong men. Easy times produce vegans.

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents: A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, had watched the whole event. Laura, addressing the Harley rider says. "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.” The Harley rider replies. "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.” Miss Kuenssberg. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?” The biker replies. "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit.” The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions. BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

The person who stole my shoes while I was on the bouncy castle, needs to grow up!

I'm fed up with buying all this snooker equipment. There's the table, the balls, a cue...and the rest.

I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!

Tips on how to fall asleep on a living room chair: 1. Be old. 2. Sit in the chair.

My friends kept making sexual innuendos about characters from 'The Magic Roundabout' In the end I said: 'I've had enough of your Dougal Entendres!'