ballpoint

TODAY'S TRIVIA FACT Although Jesus was known as a carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.

I was in Powerbuy the other day and I saw a TV made totally from pasta. "What's that?" I asked the manger. And he said "It's a tagliatelle".

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Bless Me, Father for I have sinned. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?

I had a terrible night. I dreamt something bit me on the neck. I tried to check this morning, but the mirror wasn't working.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. The first page says, “You’re not helping”

Went to HomePro this morning, the bloke on the door asked "do you want decking"? and it all went downhill from there....

Trust you to get to the butt of the problem.

I resigned from the Archaeology Society because of bullying. I just couldn't take the endless digs.

Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. After all, I still wear underpants.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door.

If Concorde traveled faster than sound, how did they get a radio message to it? (Pedantic replies coming in three.... two..... one.... )

Head and Shoulders. Whose shoulders are so hairy, they need shampoo?

He was actually a petrol head, and pined away for some faraway Fords.

You shouldn't put them up yourself. You should put them up in the living room.

The pot hole outside my house was so big it took six council workers to watch the guy who came to fix it.

Porky, my Obese Parrot has just died. I have mixed emotions. Naturally I'm so sad, but it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

A lot of it about... PREMATURE TREEJACULATION The act of putting up festive decorations at any time before December.

I've got a West Indian Hair themed Party at work next week. I'm dreading it.

When I was a kid, I went into the barber's and asked him to give me a haircut the way George Best had it done. He took out his clippers and shaved my head, cutting my ear in the process. I said, "George Best doesn't have his hair cut that way." He replied, "He would if he came in here, I'm a City fan."

That's just the sort of wooly thinking that has flocked us all.

In 1987 when I was 20, I got a job based in Singapore. It was the first time I'd been outside of New Zealand or Australia, and the first time I'd been out of the country on my own. Back then, with no internet and limited choice of TV, and not wanting to go out partying every night, I decided to keep a journal to record some of my thoughts about the new culture I was now a part of. It wasn't something I'd write in every night, but whenever I had something to say about what I'd seen that day, or some thought had occurred to me, I'd scribble away in it. I also built up some short stories based on my feelings and observations. As someone said previously, the actual process of writing them down was somewhat therapeutic, as it allowed me to assemble my thoughts and put them down in an ordered way. I kept at it for the three years I was based there, and the first year I spent in Bangkok, after transferring to the company's Thailand operation, before winding it down. I still have it with me, and occasionally look through it. Some of the things I wrote make me marvel at my naivety, while others actually impress me by my insight at that age, and, on the whole, it's good to have a record of what was a major turning point in my life. It's not meant for anyone else, though I wouldn't care if someone did read it. Apart from one or two of the stories, which I quite like, I doubt if anyone else would find much of interest in it. Maybe I'll get it placed in my coffin when the time comes to be cremated. Take my thoughts and memories with me when I go.